Family more supportive of H than me during separation

[iwillsurvive]

Background: I found out at the end of May 2005 that My H had fallen for a co-worker. We have been married for 4.5 years. he is 34 I am 27.

 

He had written down his feeling, in order to work it out he said, and left it buried in a pile of paper work on the kitchen table. He says he forgot about it, that it was a few months old by the time I found it.

 

He wrote about how he had to decide whether to go to her and tell her off his feelings and see if she wanted him or just leave me and walk away from any possible relationship with her too.

 

He said he is pretty sure the feeling was mutual. My sister works in the same office as my H and people had bee making comments about my H and this (single) woman for months. She always laughed it off.

 

In the letter/note thing he wrote he said that he should have kept his big mouth shut, that if he had they still might be friends.Now he normally is not a liar, but he tells me that he never told her how he feels. Yet they suddenly stopped car pooling together at some point in April. I really wonder if he did tell her. But he denies it. I know that she now has a boyfriend though.He had the nerve to let me come face to face with this woman. I have met her twice with him.

 

So I found that note and flipped out. I went to stay at a friends house till he could arrange somewhere to stay as I could not fathom staying in our apartment together. I asked for a month alone. We have since decided to remain separated. I really am liking being on my own

 

I should mention that he is no longer at that job working with the woman he has fallen for.

 

 

Okay on to my issues with the separation.

 

We separated just before he had his university graduation. No there was no way in hell I was going to go despite the fact that his out of town parents and Oma were coming. My parents were unable to attend, but the night before they wanted to come over and drop off a gift for him. So they came over, my friend was here with me. My mom was asking me all these questions about what we were doing with H's family and I kept saying I don't know. My Mom finally asked aren't you going? I said no. Than I said that H wasn't living here right now and that right now I really didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to make my friend uncomfortable. My parents said nothing. They went to leave. I always let my cats walk down the hall when people leave so one kitty went out and I went with them. My Dad asked if I was okay and I said yes. Then I said that I had asked him to leave and that we both agreed that we should be apart. My Mom then proceeded to ask Why? and I said does it really matter? I didn't feel like going into details. She said in the snottiest tone I have heard Well it matters to me. So I said he fell in love with a co-worker and apparently the whole office knew about it. Their response? They got in the elevator and left. I think they said bye but they didn't say anything else.

 

WTF??? Maybe they didn't know what to say to me but how is that for support?

 

My sister has been supportive.

 

My parents act like it is a taboo topic and the only time they have brought it up is to worry about money. I am not currently employed so have to rely on H for money which sucks!! Puts me in a crappy situation. I think they are afraid I will come to them for money which I won't!

 

H had emailed my parents to say thanks for the grad gift and wrote that they probably think he is the biggest jerk on the planet right now. Apparently my Dad called H at work to say that no we don't think anything bad about you, you are family.

 

WHAT???? Why does he get support and not me??

 

I told two of my aunts about a month after we separated. My sister is getting married at the end of this month and everyone is going to find out then as he won't be there. But I wanted to let them ahead of time.So I told them after her bridal shower.I told them and for the first time since this all happened started to cry. But I made myself quit crying and we didn't say much about it. One aunt was supportive

 

Now the other aunt has emailed my H and said that no matter what he will always be family. She wanted his contact info for where he is living now so she can keep in touch with him.

 

This makes me so angry. I don't expect him to just be written out of my family's lives but they don't know why we are separated. What if he had been screwing around behind my back for years or something?? Or if he had been hitting me or something??

 

I am frustrated because they know nothing about it but show him more support than I get.

 

My Mom is very obvious about liking my H more than me, she is the dame way with my sister and her Fiance. She likes him more. Oh nice happy family.

 

I really don't know what to do. Part of me wants to tell this aunt why we are separated but that makes me feel petty. It isn't like I want everyone to chose between me and him, but I just don't think it is fair that he seems to be getting more support from my family than I do!!! I know I am whining!! Sorry.

 

You don't see his family contacting me to tell me I am still family?? I just don't know how appropriate it is for my Dad and my aunt to have done this. I know they mean well but it is really really hurtful to me.

 

Since we have separated I have had severe insomnia. It is to the point where I stay up all night about 4 nights a week. I look like hell I think I am still in shock over this whole thing. I am proud that I have been really strong. I always thought if something like this happened I would break down or would be screaming and yelling. I was calm and cool....although I got one good slap in!!! I think I'm still in shock because until recently I haven't really just let it all out and cried. I have been numb. It hasn't hit me yet. Ihave dealt with severe depression several times in my life, and sleeping disruption is always a part of it for me. I really don;'t need the headache of all the medication and doctors right now but fear I may have to do something about it soon.

 

Yesterday was H's birthday. For some reason that hit me. I felt so alone as I sat here and cried and cried. My aunt emailed him a card and that also really hurt. Petty I know No one probably really thought about his bday or that it might affect me so I can't blame them. I mean their lives are not all about me. I know that! But feelings aren't always rational. I was feeling really alone and hurt that my friendsds/family didn't think that it might affect me.

 

My sisters wedding is at the end of July. I am really dreading it. I will be one of the only single people there

Plus all of our out of town relatives will be there. We are having a big party the night before so they will find out then that we are separated. This time is not about me at all, it is about my sister and her fiance. I am wondering if I should perhaps email as many of the relatives and family friends as I can now so that they know before hand. It would be too hard to cal lthem all. What do you think????

 

Sorry for the huge long whine!!! Phew I threw myself a pity party huh?

[Zaira]

Are you really happy without him?

Did he have an affair with her, or just "fell for her"?

Is there any chance of reconciliation?

 

If your family want to keep in contact with your husband, I think that is there business, but I can understand why it's upset you. Have you told them how you feel? Have you told them that YOU need their support right now?

 

If you don't want to be with your husband, then this is the time for YOU. Find your own happiness, and don't worry about what everyone else is doing, because it will only make you feel bad. Smile, hold your head up high and get on doing the things that will make you happy.

[justjen]

I've had the same problem with my family. When we were at our 4th of July gathering, they told my H how happy they were that HE had stuck around. That was like a slap in the face for me. I just keep reminding myself that I'm doing what's best for me. Hopefully they'll see that someday.

 

I don't know what I expected them to do. I guess it's the fact that my H has hurt me so badly. I wanted them all to gripe him out or want to kick his butt for it. Even though their actions make this a bit harder for me to go through, I still love them. I'm thinking they're all in shock and don't know how to handle it. We never talked about having any problems prior to this. I guess they thought we had this perfect relationship. I'll take comfort in my friends for now and maybe they'll come around.

[iwillsurvive]

Originally posted by ~Zaira~

Are you really happy without him?

 

Yes I am. Things haven't been great for awhile and we both need the space.

 

Did he have an affair with her, or just "fell for her"?

 

an emotional affair, not a physical one

 

Is there any chance of reconciliation?

 

at this point I really don't know for sure....but we have both admitted we aren't sure we want to stay together.

 

If your family want to keep in contact with your husband, I think that is there business, but I can understand why it's upset you. Have you told them how you feel? Have you told them that YOU need their support right now?

 

I know I know it is their business....but no one said feelings have to be rational. Have I told my family that I need their support right now? No I guess I have't.....but then again H certainly never told them he needs it and he is getting more from my family than I am. It is like my family just ignores it. Maybe they think that is what I want. I don't want to get into some fight with my parents so close to my sisters wedding so I am not going to bring it up now. I will wait. I don't want to cause tension during their time. I know my Mom and she will think I am attacking her.

 

 

Originally posted by justjen

 

I don't know what I expected them to do. I guess it's the fact that my H has hurt me so badly. I wanted them all to gripe him out or want to kick his butt for it. Even though their actions make this a bit harder for me to go through, I still love them. I'm thinking they're all in shock and don't know how to handle it. We never talked about having any problems prior to this. I guess they thought we had this perfect relationship. I'll take comfort in my friends for now and maybe they'll come around.

 

That stinks! I think my family may be in shock too because one relative in particular kept saying that we have such a strong relationship that we would be able to pull through anything....but she doesn't know any details. It is funny how differently things can look from the outside looking in isn't it?

 

My 2 best friends were great at first. I tried not to make everything about me after the first week or so. I don't want to talk about nothing else and piss them off. So I made sure that I only mentioned if I talked to him etc I don't want to dwell on it all the time because I know they can't want to hear about it all the time! Now it rarely even comes up. They never ask how I am or anything.

 

Maybe the fact that I am trying to be so strong for myself and not impose by constantly running to them to listen to me makes them think I don't want to talk about it, or makes my friends/family feel uncomfortable bringing it up. They can't all of gotten so uncaring. But I do need to be strong for myself so I guess I just need to remind myself that of course they care.

[Ladyjane14]

Just my 2 cents....but it seems to me that your family members truly are being supportive of you.

 

It makes it ALOT easier for you....should you eventually choose reconciliation....if your husband is NOT ostricized by his in-laws. In offering forgiveness and acceptance to him, as a family member who has made a mistake....they give him the freedom to work on his relationship with you. They alleviate his worries about how he'll be treated by the extended family.

 

You don't appear to have given your family much guidance on how they can help you in specific ways. They've been left adrift, and are muddling through on their own.

 

Clearly, you dropped the ball by not informing them of your situation in a timely manner. And you've made them uncomfortable broaching the subject with you now, by not taking the time to enter into honest communication with them when they did find out.

 

I think in an effort to repair the damage, a sincere apology might be in order. It's a confusing time for you...and you didn't handle it as well as you might have regarding good communications with your family. An admission of that might go a long way in making your sister's wedding a bit more comfortable for you as well as your family members.

 

It's not always necessary to tell your family specific details. I didn't tell my husband's family when he became infatuated with another woman. But I did tell them that we were having problems, and that we were working on them. And I did tell them that in the interest of preserving his privacy, they wouldn't hear the details from me.

 

I told my family everything, but I also insisted that they be supportive of my reconciliation efforts by NOT castigating my husband. It was difficult for them to understand that part of the blame for the state of my marriage was MY responsibility. They felt I was blaming myself unduly. But in time, and with my guidance....they were able to see that it wasn't ALL his fault, even though he had made a major mistake.

[iwillsurvive]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

 

It makes it ALOT easier for you....should you eventually choose reconciliation....if your husband is NOT ostricized by his in-laws. In offering forgiveness and acceptance to him, as a family member who has made a mistake....they give him the freedom to work on his relationship with you. They alleviate his worries about how he'll be treated by the extended family.

 

I can see your point. HOWEVER most of my family members that immediately got in contact with him, saying he is always family etc have no idea what has happened between us. What if he was being abusive to me? They don't know, it could be anything. They could be forgiving him for hitting me for all they know. I don't want my H to be blamed and treated horribly by my family. I hope I am not coming across seeming like I do. But he is getting 90% support from my family and I am getting 10%. To me that seems wrong. Deep inside I am an absolute mess so maybe my thinking can't be trusted.

 

You don't appear to have given your family much guidance on how they can help you in specific ways. They've been left adrift, and are muddling through on their own.

 

I don't know how I can give them guidance on how t hey can help me when they barely even talk to me right now. They are too busy supporting H to bother with me. My parents actually went and blabbed the only details they know about our separation to a couple of other family members. I had specifically asked them to keep it to themselves. I had a big talk with them about it. So I had told them specifically how they could help me in one aspect and they chose to completely ignore that. They couldn't even say they were sorry when I called the mto discuss why they had told other people. And I should have to give guidance for my family members to even be able to ask me if I am okay?? I think they can manage that on their own.

 

 

 

Clearly, you dropped the ball by not informing them of your situation in a timely manner. And you've made them uncomfortable broaching the subject with you now, by not taking the time to enter into honest communication with them when they did find out.

 

I disagree. I told my sister the next day. I told my parents within a week of the split. I saw no point in running around telling everyone when we had no clue how long we would even be apart to begin with. We just decided around July 5th to stay separated. I answered all questions asked of me when I told whoever I told. I didn't tell my Grandpa for one week after we had decided to stay apart because Iwanted to tell him in person and I was not able to see him. All the rest of my relatives live far away. They will be told at the party the night before the wedding. Unless I decide to email the ones I can and tell them now. I would prefer to tell them face to face.

 

I think in an effort to repair the damage, a sincere apology might be in order. It's a confusing time for you...and you didn't handle it as well as you might have regarding good communications with your family. An admission of that might go a long way in making your sister's wedding a bit more comfortable for you as well as your family members.

 

Why would I apologize to my parents when they have betrayed my trust by telling others details they were asked to keep to themselves?? Why would I apologize to my aunts who I told??? They have formed their own opinions and my apologizing would not effect that. One of them is going around saying the my H wants to go to counselling and work it out and I want nothing to do with it. That is COMPLETE BS that she must be pulling out of her a$$. I have no clue where she is getting that from. Maybe I need to straighten them out but I see no reason to apologize to them.

 

It's not always necessary to tell your family specific details. I didn't tell my husband's family when he became infatuated with another woman. But I did tell them that we were having problems, and that we were working on them. And I did tell them that in the interest of preserving his privacy, they wouldn't hear the details from me.

 

The ONLY reason I told my mom and dad the detail that I did, which was he fell in love with another woman, was because I knew my mom and I know she would not leave me alone until I told her why. I did it for MY sanity. You would understand if you met my mother. Even that little detail is not the whole story, and they are aware of that. A part of the reason for me wanting to keep the details relatively private is because I don't want this held against my H if we do end up staying together. Well now they have blabbed. And I have to deal with the aftermath of their stupidity.

 

I told my family everything, but I also insisted that they be supportive of my reconciliation efforts by NOT castigating my husband. It was difficult for them to understand that part of the blame for the state of my marriage was MY responsibility. They felt I was blaming myself unduly. But in time, and with my guidance....they were able to see that it wasn't ALL his fault, even though he had made a major mistake.

 

Problems in a marriage are never the fault of one person alone. I know that. H knows thta. Our families know that.

[Ladyjane14]

Well, all I can say in the way of advice to you is that the high road is seldom the easy path.

 

You know, the best reason for posting in a forum like this one and soliciting opinions from strangers is that those opinions are unbiased. I don't know you, so I neither like you or dislike you. The great thing about that is that I don't have to protect your feelings like your family members do. They are emotionally involved with you, and probably want to avoid hurting your feelings.

 

So, with that in mind...I'll tell you truthfully what I think based on what you have posted.

 

If I "walked a mile" in your mother's shoes, I don't think I'd want to find out about my daughter's separation from her husband a week after the fact, and somewhat by chance. I think I'd prefer a heart-felt conversation in which I could offer her my support and sympathy, and whatever guidance my years of experience could provide her with. I certainly wouldn't want to hear that a friend's close proximity or possible embarrassment was more important. And I wouldn't want to hear that she "didn't feel like going into details". That would have hurt my feelings terribly, if I were in your mother's shoes.

 

This is why I think that in the interest of taking "the high road", making an apology might be best. It will go a long way to making your sister's wedding a more enjoyable experience for all of you if these hard feelings are resolved beforehand.

 

All the rest of my relatives live far away. They will be told at the party the night before the wedding. Unless I decide to email the ones I can and tell them now. I would prefer to tell them face to face.

 

I think in actuality, this will probably introduce even MORE gossip and drama at your sister's wedding. It would probably be easier on you to go ahead and send your emails, or make phone calls now. That'll give them an opportunity to 'get it out of their systems' before they ALL get together. Can you imagine if it's fresh news? It would likely be the ONLY subject of conversation all day during the wedding.

 

You might also consider a few prepared responses for family members who offer sympathy at the reception. Something like, "I appreciate that. Thank you. But I'd like to concentrate on Sister's happiness today." Even if the news isn't fresh, you may still have quite a few people offering you condolences. Best to be prepared so it doesn't spoil the event for you.

 

Anyways, good luck to you. It's very difficult to deal with separation and possible divorce. Even more so, when complicated by dealing with family members who don't really understand your point of view. It would behoove you, I think, to gently help them understand, rather than to take offense.

[iwillsurvive]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

 

 

So, with that in mind...I'll tell you truthfully what I think based on what you have posted.

 

If I "walked a mile" in your mother's shoes, I don't think I'd want to find out about my daughter's separation from her husband a week after the fact, and somewhat by chance. I think I'd prefer a heart-felt conversation in which I could offer her my support and sympathy, and whatever guidance my years of experience could provide her with. I certainly wouldn't want to hear that a friend's close proximity or possible embarrassment was more important. And I wouldn't want to hear that she "didn't feel like going into details". That would have hurt my feelings terribly, if I were in your mother's shoes.

 

I can totally see your point about how my parents must have felt, and finding out a week after the fact. I didn't plan on telling them in front of my friend, it would have been easier if we had been alone and I had been able to discuss things. My Mom just kept badgering me about H's grad so I finally just came out and said I wasn't going which led to saying he was no longer living here. Not the most ideal way for it to come up.

 

 

I think in actuality, this will probably introduce even MORE gossip and drama at your sister's wedding. It would probably be easier on you to go ahead and send your emails, or make phone calls now. That'll give them an opportunity to 'get it out of their systems' before they ALL get together. Can you imagine if it's fresh news? It would likely be the ONLY subject of conversation all day during the wedding.

 

You might also consider a few prepared responses for family members who offer sympathy at the reception. Something like, "I appreciate that. Thank you. But I'd like to concentrate on Sister's happiness today." Even if the news isn't fresh, you may still have quite a few people offering you condolences. Best to be prepared so it doesn't spoil the event for you.

 

I think that your suggestion is very good, and that that would be a good way to deal with all the awkwardness of the situation. thanks

[iwillsurvive]

so....I just went and worked on an email

 

here is part of it.

 

Is it suitable?

 

 

X and X's special day will soon be here I thought that it would be more appropriate for me to share my news now than at the party the night before or at the wedding.

 

X and I separated at the end of May, and as such he will not be at either event.

 

I am not too sure of the ettiquette of handling this situation in regard to the upcoming family gathering. I thought that perhaps trying to let people know ahead of time would be the best way to go.

 

The upcoming events are for X and X, and I would very much like to concentrate on their happiness!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by iwillsurvive

I am not too sure of the ettiquette of handling this situation in regard to the upcoming family gathering. I thought that perhaps trying to let people know ahead of time would be the best way to go.

 

I particularly like this part. It lets the reader know that you're making an effort NOT to introduce drama into the upcoming festivities. Hopefully, they'll take the hint and not try to do a post-mortem on the relationship with you at the wedding.

 

It also lets them know that you're uncertain as to the correct procedure, and by being the first to admit it, you can't very well be accused of tactlessness. You know, gossiping tongues will wag no matter what you do anyway, so the best you can do is to lay it all out there and hope for the dust to settle.

 

If you're of a mind to, you might consider asking Mom and Sister for advice on this. People feel very helpless when their loved ones are hurting. It could be a good way to bring them into the Inner Circle.

 

Peace is best.