A week giving her "space." Had enough

[Nadine123]

My advice to you would be not to text her. If she doesnt get back to you by today then you know your answer.

[kgcolonel]

OP....In my opinion, no response is an answer....it sounds like you really just want her to say, "I don't want a relationship anymore".....if anything at all, i would send a message stating that you got the response you needed and and wish her well. (Don't burn bridges or be vengeful) just let her know that you're moving on and hope she is well.

 

If you think about it, wouldn't you want a girl that doesn't have to think so hard about whether or not she wants to be with you?

[Sunkissedpatio]

Slimtripper I wouldn't get carried away on emotion now. You can certainly say to her that you'd like an answer and that your plan still stands and that you can discuss this together.

 

Don't forget, she's probably thinking I also wanted to hear I love you, wanted to know where the relationship was going and wanted him to not ignore me for days even weeks at times and he wouldn't. Pressuring her or being rude to her now will only get her to say "ok then I don't want this.."

 

I wouldn't push in anger but I would say something that at least opens the channel to talk.

[Slimtripper]

Slimtripper I wouldn't get carried away on emotion now. You can certainly say to her that you'd like an answer and that your plan still stands and that you can discuss this together.

 

Don't forget, she's probably thinking I also wanted to hear I love you, wanted to know where the relationship was going and wanted him to not ignore me for days even weeks at times and he wouldn't. Pressuring her or being rude to her now will only get her to say "ok then I don't want this.."

 

I wouldn't push in anger but I would say something that at least opens the channel to talk.

 

Do you not think i'm being a bit of a walk over. I CANT go through another day of this. Its easier just being broken up. At least you can focus on moving forward.

If you were going to break up with someone, wouldn't you not be facing that decision if you know that they are waiting for you to get back with them?

I feel like if i actually say i cant do this anymore then she'll actually have to decide. At the moment its so easy for her dangling me along and its just so unfair to do that. Iv definitely hit the end of my patience.

I think you are right not to react with anger. But i think i need to be firm in that i've laid out my cards now. I want an answer today so that i can move on one way or the other.

But i did say to take a couple days. It's going to be a couple days tonight, her morning. So to react with emotion and anger after having that discussion i think wouldn't help, you are right.

[dumbass2]

Don't text her. Let her come to you if she wants. She hasn't forgotten. If she doesn't get back within a few days you have your answer. Actions mean more than words.

[Sunkissedpatio]

No I don't. I think you are doing what you need to do to rectify what you have been posting you've done to push this girl away. There are always two sides to every story and every relationship but you have stated clearly here what you feel was the issue leading up to her decision. Not once have you stated what she has done to cause you to push yourself away, so I've been giving you advice on what you posted throughout the thread.

 

So no, I don't feel you are being a pushover at all. I feel you were a bit late to react to what was needed to save the relationship but ultimately if you were doing this solely out of a need to stop her from walking because your ego was bruised I'd say let sleeping dogs lay. I believe you actually want this relationship to work and want to save it for all the right reasons. Even if took this to see things differently you are at least seeing things differently and want to put your thoughts to action.

 

My gf out of the blue said she wanted space a week ago. She sounded like she wanted to break out off but couldn't. She is very patient normally but I think I was just too busy with work for a long time and wasn't a great boyfriend.

 

After the first day she text me saying she hopes I'm good and apologies for not calling yet. I text back saying that's fine, no rush.

She text back the day after saying she was ok and just been busy. I didn't text back as was nothing to text back about and she said she wanted space!

 

 

She's never been like this. But we talked for an hour. She said she wasn't sure how she felt because I was neglecting her so much with work. I agreed to give her space so obs been avoiding calling and only text once.

 

I feel that because I didn't text back she's annoyed but she asked for space.

 

 

I've been in a different country for 4 months and just presumed she would be ok handling things. I still am a long way away so we can't just meet up and talk.

When I arranged to go back and see her, that's when this happened. She suddenly said she didn't know if she could handle it because I will just leave again.

 

 

I think that is it. She doesn't think I can give her what she needs. I'm not very emotional, I haven't been. I still feel awkward saying the L word. My parents never said it to me, I was more of showing people how much they mean by ur actions, so I do struggle with that a lot. We were apart for 4 months and she asked me where I saw the future, which I avoided. I've had several warning signs all the way along here but ignored them.

She would call me all the time I wouldn't be available. I wasn't texting her as much as she was me. But I had a plan. I was working out how I could get back to see her and was looking at it more bigger picture than us sitting saying we loved each other every night.

 

A week before she called me n left me a voicemail which she never does. She's really trying at this stage. We arrange to call and I am a few hours late then have to go to sleep, and that's when it all changed.

The next day she wasn't herself. I called her and smoothed it over and convinced her I would be there soon. But every time she got close again, she'd go strange. She text me saying that she needs to know what our long term plan was. I assured her we would be together, but didn't really give her much, once more.

 

You see, you had all the greatest of intentions but at a distance without communication her head started caving in trying to figure you and your emotions out. Having all the great intentions that you had were pointless if you weren't expressing them with words and actions, especially since you are so far away. I feel for you that you didn't have the insight to see this, but I feel for her too that she was on the other end wondering what the heck is he thinking and up to these 4 months away at work?

 

And now the roles have been reversed, you're the one doing your head in trying to figure out where she is at.

 

 

Then we continued being close. Saying we loved each other, but then she would drift off again. Then she drew back again, I called her and said are we ok, and she paused and said she didn't know.

 

She wasn't sure if she was the one for me. That she needs someone who is head over heels into her. I said I was ( I am) She said why didn't I tell her this. She sounded like she didn't know. I tried to convince her I was, explained how I found it hard to be open with people but she was the person I had been open with the most. She said she would love to see me but scared she'll feel down when I leave.

 

If the communications breaks down or you aren't even talking for weeks at a time while you are in a long distance relationship there is no way that emotional intimacy can survive. Naturally you will both start to wonder where the other stands and if the relationship is even something the other wants.

 

We kept talking. She sounded like she wanted to break it off but then she started becoming extremely anxious and hyperventilating and couldn't. So she said just give her some time and she will contact me.

 

She's fighting an inner struggle at this point, my heart tells me stay my head based on his actions is telling go, run as fast as you can, you will only get hurt some more.

 

 

 

Do you think I have any issue with telling her I'm done? I don't. This isn't an argument born from a power struggle. She has always been patient but iv pushed this so far with not being available that she clearly doesn't know if I'm going to be there for her long term. I don't think it's something u can just jump into over night.

If it's over, I'm ok. But it needed some space. There's nothing wrong with giving space. It would be much easier to just give an ultimatum but from what I'm being told that wasn't the route to go. And so far that has worked out.

I said yesterday that I'll move countries to do this properly. She said she'll be guilty of it doesn't work out. I told her to take a few days no more.

 

Being bull headed isn't going to help here I'm telling u. Iv done that before and even if it does work, the same problems resurface.

And it wasn't a break. She said she wanted time to think.

It is going on too long now, but in a day or so, that will be the end of it

Edited November 24, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Sunkissedpatio]

People who go away for work have a very tough time with relationships, it isn't easy on either party.

 

It isn't easy for the person away at work to sustain the relationship and it isn't easy for the partner that stays behind. Long distance relationship are intrinsically difficult because of their make-up and they require often more communication and reassurances than the average face-to-face one.

 

So in this case if the communication was wavering as it was and neglect became a big part of it, then it's no wonder it ended as it did.

[Slimtripper]

People who go away for work have a very tough time with relationships, it isn't easy on either party.

 

It isn't easy for the person away at work to sustain the relationship and it isn't easy for the partner that stays behind. Long distance relationship are intrinsically difficult because of their make-up and they require often more communication and reassurances than the average face-to-face one.

 

So in this case if the communication was wavering as it was and neglect became a big part of it, then it's no wonder it ended as it did.

 

OK i understand. Im going to text her in a couple hours, her morning. I said take a few days. Its been a few days. I could wait it out but i just cant deal with it any more. I feel like she either knows or she doesn't and i need to know what's happening to move on with my life.

So what shall i text?

Can we talk today? I meant everything i said but Its time to let me know where i stand.

[NopeNah]

OK i understand. Im going to text her in a couple hours, her morning. I said take a few days. Its been a few days. I could wait it out but i just cant deal with it any more. I feel like she either knows or she doesn't and i need to know what's happening to move on with my life.

So what shall i text?

Can we talk today? I meant everything i said but Its time to let me know where i stand.

If you're intent on texting her today, I'd suggest a simple "Hey..How's things for you?" It's low pressure and can lead to a conversation,without coming across as 'weak'.. Personally, I wouldn't text her and assume that it's over.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Do what you have to do, for your own sanity at this point. Yes that sounds good to me.

 

Good luck!

[Slimtripper]

If you're intent on texting her today, I'd suggest a simple "Hey..How's things for you?" It's low pressure and can lead to a conversation,without coming across as 'weak'.. Personally, I wouldn't text her and assume that it's over.

 

If I don't text her then ill spend another week wondering what's going on in the back of my mind, maybe even a month. Even if i tell myself its over and im sure it wil be, i want to just clarify n hear it so i can move on.

 

SKP do u think texting "hey how's things with you?" Is a good idea?

My intuition tells me that i need to stop pushing now. I need to pull away for my own sanity and at that point she will either follow or wont.

I do think that the only reason she could be "guilty" about me leaving everything for her is that something has happened while i was away, and ultimately she knows that will come out once im there.

There isn't really any reason for her not to try as i was originally going over in two weeks anyway. It wasn't an issue until that one day she just totally changed.

 

But that's just nonsense going around in my head.

"Hey, how's things. Are we talking today?

Or Hey,

"how's things, are we talking today? I could really do with knowing where i stand"

[Sunkissedpatio]

My intuition tells me that i need to stop pushing now. I need to pull away for my own sanity and at that point she will either follow or wont.

ged.

 

But that's just nonsense going around in my head.

"Hey, how's things. Are we talking today?

Or Hey,

"how's things, are we talking today? I could really do with knowing where i stand"

 

Is it your gut telling you that? Or is it everyone saying "ya dude she has someone else"?

 

I think "hey how's things" is too casual for the point you are at. You aren't picking up a conversation you left off last night.

 

You gave her food for thought and gave her a few days to think about it and now you need an answer to move on.

 

Say that.

 

"I hope you've had some time to think things through. I love you and want to work through this and my plan still stands but we can't work on things if you keep me in the dark."

 

That's it. No asking her to call you or respond you are telling her where you stand what is expected.

 

If she doesn't respond to that then that is your answer. No further questions/answers needed. You need to accept it's over and she won't change her mind.

[Slimtripper]

Is it your gut telling you that? Or is it everyone saying "ya dude she has someone else"?

 

I think "hey how's things" is too casual for the point you are at. You aren't picking up a conversation you left off last night.

 

You gave her food for thought and gave her a few days to think about it and now you need an answer to move on.

 

Say that.

 

"I hope you've had some time to think things through. I love you and want to work through this and my plan still stands but we can't work on things if you keep me in the dark."

 

That's it. No asking her to call you or respond you are telling her where you stand what is expected.

 

If she doesn't respond to that then that is your answer. No further questions/answers needed. You need to accept it's over and she won't change her mind.

 

A year ago when we started dating I did something pretty bad. We were staying together in the same house and I couldn't leave. It was a horrible week. She was distant, felt like she didn't know me at all n it was a week of me not really going anywhere at all. Then I left for a few days and she text me.

When things were going wrong this time, when I didn't text back or call she would chase it.

I would love to send that text and it definitely conveys what I'm feeling. I just don't know if me pushing all the time is going to help her come to a decision that she is missing me

[Slimtripper]

If it was me. And his has happened with girls. I'll umm and arr and then when they finally say actually I'm not going to just sit here while u decide, then I always went after them......

[dumbass2]

It's thanksgiving. Give it till tomorrow if you're gonna text her. You did let her know you were ok with that. Today IMO is a bad day to do this. One more day isn't going to hurt. Not another week, just a day.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I agree with dumbass2 (said no one EVER, but you read it here first folks! )

 

One more day isn't going to make a difference. I know you are feeling anxious and desperate and need to know now but again that's what you are feeling. Telling her "I'm not going to sit here while you decide" actually tells her you are sitting here while she decides. And it's an ultimatum. Again, what's your goal. To get her to say "it's over" or to get her to say "ok let's discuss this some more and keep the possibility of having this relationship, open?

 

There's a difference between pushing and giving ultimatums and letting her know you are still in this and want to resolve things.

 

If you must reach out to her then you can do that without giving her an ultimatum.

 

If you just want her to blurt out "yup it's done" then lead with anger and by being emotional and she will give you that.

 

A year ago when we started dating I did something pretty bad. We were staying together in the same house and I couldn't leave. It was a horrible week. She was distant, felt like she didn't know me at all n it was a week of me not really going anywhere at all. Then I left for a few days and she text me.

When things were going wrong this time, when I didn't text back or call she would chase it.

I would love to send that text and it definitely conveys what I'm feeling. I just don't know if me pushing all the time is going to help her come to a decision that she is missing me

 

I'm sorry I didn't quite get this post, did you mean she used to chase after you more even after you did something horrible vs now that she stopped chasing?

 

Perhaps she was the doormat for too long and now is seeing the light?

 

Why have you been so on the fence about her for so long? What has she done to have you feel that way?

[lolablue17]

Don't text her. Call her. Talk to her. If she doesn't pick up the phone, send her a voice message on Whatsapp telling her that you can't continue with this anymore.

 

To tell you the truth, I would never agree to even consider being with someone who doesn't pick up the phone when I call, or at least texts me immediately back, setting a time for her to call back when she is free to call.

 

If i'm not meaningful enough to talk with me, I'm surely not meaningful enough to have a relationship.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

To tell you the truth, I would never agree to even consider being with someone who doesn't pick up the phone when I call, or at least texts me immediately back, setting a time for her to call back when she is free to call.

 

If i'm not meaningful enough to talk with me, I'm surely not meaningful enough to have a relationship.

 

 

Those are excellent points. I would bet anything she is mulling over those very same points in reference to Slimtripper and whether to proceed in this relationship or not.

[Slimtripper]

Those are excellent points. I would bet anything she is mulling over those very same points in reference to Slimtripper and whether to proceed in this relationship or not.

 

Haha yea, pretty much! Why have i not been like this before?

I was away. I didn't know many people, i was communicating with her but was trying to sort her career stuff out with a plan of us having more freedom when i returned. She says i was being more of a friend than a boyfriend, which is true.

TO me though, i guess because i was going over soon i put in zero effort because i knew id be there soon anyway and i just couldn't be bother with the long distance thing. Making time to talk, making time to make her feel special.

Just expecting her to sit there and cope while i do my thing and then be ready when i come home.

 

We had two big trips that didn't happen. One of them she had a really bad experience with immigration and didn't get over to see me. (She's UK and was traveling to the US) Then the next trip, because of that incident she was struck not being able to travel again.

I planned out all those trips and got the money together for it, but they never happened. She was terrified of traveling. Then was in the position that she couldn't travel at all outside of the country and only i could come to her, and I couldn't do that at the time.

 

With that i was giving her zero emotional support. But like i said. i was always in this, i jus had different ways of showing that. Planning ahead so when i got back we could take some time, would have money, that kind of thing.

 

Now she cant come to me, i have to go there which is pretty inconvenient for me. But i do want to anyway.

 

The weeks leading up to this break were strange but normal. The more effort i put in, the more she withdrew. She told me she loves me, id say it back then she wouldn't speak for a day. Then when we finally did speak as i said, she said she was confused.

 

But, when we spoke the other night, it was all fine. i would 100% put money on her wanting to go fwd with everything. But then, once again, a bit of time later and she goes back into the shell and I hear nothing.

 

I think leaving it another day is a good idea actually.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Ok Slim, I have to ask you this. Are you just blaming yourself now or were things really this one-sided where she was endlessly trying and you were away at work thinking that ignoring the relationship was ok until you got back to being face to face again?

 

Since we are getting to the bottom of things quite candidly I really am having a hard time understanding why she hung around waiting for you for this long and why you are so determined to have her now. How could you not know that ignoring her for so long while away would cause a real disconnect between the two of you?

 

Is there something you are not sharing that she did that brought all this on?

 

I'm having a hard time processing what you are sharing...sorry. I really am rooting for you guys to get back together but I wonder why you even want to be with her aside from the obvious that you feel like you love her?

 

You also say moving would be a huge inconvenience for you, she is also expressed her hesitation in having you move across the way for her. Have you said something to her to that effect "it's a huge inconvenience for me to move there and give up my job"? If so, you could see why she would be hesitant to give an answer right away to move there for her.

 

Was she in trouble with the law that she couldn't leave the country? Don't need to go into specifics here publicly but that stood out for me...

[Slimtripper]

Ok Slim, I have to ask you this. Are you just blaming yourself now or were things really this one-sided where she was endlessly trying and you were away at work thinking that ignoring the relationship was ok until you got back to being face to face again?

 

Since we are getting to the bottom of things quite candidly I really am having a hard time understanding why she hung around waiting for you for this long and why you are so determined to have her now. How could you not know that ignoring her for so long while away would cause a real disconnect between the two of you?

 

Is there something you are not sharing that she did that brought all this on?

 

I'm having a hard time processing what you are sharing...sorry. I really am rooting for you guys to get back together but I wonder why you even want to be with her aside from the obvious that you feel like you love her?

 

You also say moving would be a huge inconvenience for you, she is also expressed her hesitation in having you move across the way for her. Have you said something to her to that effect "it's a huge inconvenience for me to move there and give up my job"? If so, you could see why she would be hesitant to give an answer right away to move there for her.

 

Was she in trouble with the law that she couldn't leave the country? Don't need to go into specifics here publicly but that stood out for me...

 

No never been in trouble with the law in her life. I cant go into it on here but it was nothing to do with her, just horrible customs officials.

About two months back she did say that we need an end goal for what is going on. I took two days space as i wanted to work out how that was gonna happen.

I didn't feel we should move in together but gave her some options. But was hardly gung ho about it. I was more trying to get her to follow her passion. And then get that sorted. As in I don't want her moving somewhere for me and giving everything up (sounds familiar now.)

And I didn't really plan anything. I was going over there for 4 weeks then going back to where i was.

 

When she initially started being strange she blurted out at one point. "Well you don't want to move in with me"

I then said, what have i done, i know you are off with me, what's up.

She then said that if i go over, shell be happy but then ill leave again and shell be unhappy. I know u don't want to talk about it but i think about it all the time. What is our end goal, are we going to be together properly?

 

I said that i do want to be with her properly, but its impossible at the moment. So you need to make the best of the time you have and focus on yourself

 

So that was a pretty bad answer looking back on it and started her becoming more distant in the weeks leading up to this.

I called her and she was like , that's the first time you called me in 3 months. I told her i would get there as soon as i can and she said ok, and i thought we were ok.

But then it just gradually deteriorated. We talked about it and id arrange to go over, shed be up for it. Then a few days later go quiet again. until she told me not to book a flight because she had to work and she was worried she wouldn't be around enough.

 

Is that enough info? So im guessing everything has stemmed from that problem of her not knowing where the relationship is going and me not giving her any reassurance. until now

 

I always did plan on being in the same place. It just kept getting less and less possible.

[Slimtripper]

Moving isn't that much of an inconvenience to me though honestly. I can work anywhere and am pretty successful without any worries about money. I was just builing another project up elsewhere.

[Frozensushi]

She says i was being more of a friend than a boyfriend, which is true.

 

This whole situation reminds me of when a child disregards a toy and doesn't play with it for a long time. Then when his mother takes away the toy to give to needy children, the child suddenly starts to freak out and wants that toy more than ever.

 

"i just couldn't be bothered with the long distance thing.". You need to investigate why you want this relationship in the first place. I've known people who like the chase more than the challenge of a relationship. Perhaps this is what's happening?

 

There just seems like so many obstacles and red flags that I can't really seeing this working out.

 

Let's say you get her back, then what? You give up your career for a relationship that's already teetering on the edge of ruin? I mean, that's a bold move and all, but what if a few months from now she's still feeling the same? Then you break up. Where's that going to leave you?

[Slimtripper]

This whole situation reminds me of when a child disregards a toy and doesn't play with it for a long time. Then when his mother takes away the toy to give to needy children, the child suddenly starts to freak out and wants that toy more than ever.

 

"i just couldn't be bothered with the long distance thing.". You need to investigate why you want this relationship in the first place. I've known people who like the chase more than the challenge of a relationship. Perhaps this is what's happening?

 

There just seems like so many obstacles and red flags that I can't really seeing this working out.

 

Let's say you get her back, then what? You give up your career for a relationship that's already teetering on the edge of ruin? I mean, that's a bold move and all, but what if a few months from now she's still feeling the same? Then you break up. Where's that going to leave you?

 

I cant go into specifics but i can work anywhere and the end goal isn't to be where she is, but sort all the red tape stuff out, stay there n then leave together.

I know what u mean, about the relationship ending and me wanting to make it work now. But i always did. I just had a LOT of work on, i mean a lot. I was also spending a lot of time sorting her work out so she could get more money coming in. And to me, that showed i care. I didn't want to spend every night talking because it just makes it worse i think. I just wanted to concentrate on a practical way that would help us in the long run.

She presumed that I wasn't in love with her properly. The conversation before last she said that instead of thinking with her heart she needs to go with her head, which is that she isn't the perfect girl for me. And that she loves me more than i do her. That she wants an all encompassing relationship, not something where the guy cant say the L word.

So that gets her to where she is i guess. But it wasn't I didn't feel it. When we were together it was totally different. I had no problem being emotionally open.

I just didn't see the point when I was away from home as we had so much other stuff to sort out

[Sunkissedpatio]

No never been in trouble with the law in her life. I cant go into it on here but it was nothing to do with her, just horrible customs officials.

 

thank you for your honest response, no need to elaborate that was more than enough info.

 

About two months back she did say that we need an end goal for what is going on. I took two days space as i wanted to work out how that was gonna happen.

I didn't feel we should move in together but gave her some options. But was hardly gung ho about it. I was more trying to get her to follow her passion. And then get that sorted. As in I don't want her moving somewhere for me and giving everything up (sounds familiar now.)

And I didn't really plan anything. I was going over there for 4 weeks then going back to where i was.

 

Well that one is on her since moving in together is a big step and has to be a joint decision and not one that you force your partner into doing. She should accept your readiness for that next step and be patient with your decision so long as you are dedicated to the relationship and she feels you are moving towards a common goal. But it sounds like somewhere down the line that notion of sharing a goal got lost in the shuffle. So it makes that moving in together discussion an even sharper sting.

 

When she initially started being strange she blurted out at one point. "Well you don't want to move in with me"

 

Well obviously it isn't what she wanted to hear but she should have discussed this with you rather than revert to passive aggression.

I said that i do want to be with her properly, but its impossible at the moment. So you need to make the best of the time you have and focus on yourself

 

Slim!!

 

Correct me if I am not reading that right but it really sounds like you actually dumped her months ago?

 

So that was a pretty bad answer looking back on it and started her becoming more distant in the weeks leading up to this

 

She was hanging on for dear life and it culminated with her anxiety attack and wanting to walk away but not really. Correct?

 

So here we are full circle from page one and the first post I offered which was:

 

 

You've been neglecting her full stop.

 

And is it really "out of the blue?" You seem to have known what is causing her to feel like she is and now she's had enough....

 

Sorry but this one is on you.

 

And this is why I have been suggesting you proceed with caution and if you want her you will have to prove you are serious about it and you'll have to chase her a bit.

 

This whole story now is quite a different picture from the simple "she asked for space and I am fed up of waiting"

 

I'm having a difficult time understanding why now all of a sudden you do want her that she isn't chasing and if you really want her for all the right reasons.

 

Please do yourselves both a favour and take this time that she is not responding to really think about why you want her back and if that is ultimately what you want. You too should be using this time to reflect and decide.