Crush on Doctor - Does he feel the same? [Update: Jan 2019 - Doc brushed me off]

[kittencupcake]

I'm feeling different today ... I'm really busy ... overloaded,,, and someone relatively close in our community has died....

 

Anyhow, I'm just looking forward to seeing the psych, speaking in the "I" and admitting that there was some transference on my end.

 

Not looking to psychoanalyze my doc or get him into trouble with his colleague...

 

Last year, I gave my doc and his secretary a present (as I did my therapist, but the psych was new so I just gave him a card) ... anyway, I'm unsure whether I should keep him as a doc or just go to a walk-in-clinic as it's impossible to gets docs, here ... maybe, I won't give him and his secretary a gift this year ...

 

Honestly, it does not sound like your ex doc did anything that would get him in trouble so I wouldn't worry about him. Well done on taking care of yourself though!

[ja123]

Still can't get another doc, as there are thousands of people looking for family docs here.

 

Anyhow, I dropped off a gift to my doc and his secretary for Xmas just in case I need him in future.

 

This is something that I did last year, as he was so nice to take me on and not charge me for 3 sessions when I had moved and was without a card.

 

So, it's not out of keeping with my behaviour and general custom (to others as well). Also I sent a poinsettia to a woman psych that talks to me via phone.

 

Anyhow, I did go a little overboard with my doc - I got him 2 CDs and a Blue-Ray - all music and film that I like and that I think he'll like too.

 

I really need to see a doc, but can't imagine walking back into his office anytime soon.

 

BTW, I'm still going to AA and have quit drinking.

 

I admit to still having a crush on my doc.

 

Anyhow, I did get my psychiatrist to take over prescribing, so I don't have to go to doc.

 

I also wrote a letter to doc ....

[MidwestUSA]

So what's in the letter?

 

You went overboard with the Christmas gifts. You need to be no contact, and dropping off gifts violates that. A card, to THE OFFICE, would have sufficed if you had to do anything at all.

 

You're far from free of this guy, you know. What does your psych say about it all?

 

Congrats on AA!

[JuneL]

If you don't mind me asking: What gifts did you give your doctor in the past, and how did he respond? I hope they were not something suggestive...

[ja123]

So what's in the letter?

 

You went overboard with the Christmas gifts. You need to be no contact, and dropping off gifts violates that. A card, to THE OFFICE, would have sufficed if you had to do anything at all.

 

You're far from free of this guy, you know. What does your psych say about it all?

 

Congrats on AA!

 

Well, I haven't actually told my psych about the gifts, as I was planning to give him something too (but not as well-thought out and personal); however, I did not make it over to the city before XMAS, so I just sent a card.

 

The thing is with the psych, he has better boundaries than my doc and I think probably would've refused a gift, but maybe not a plant which was what I was thinking about.

 

I tried to broach the topic of my crush with the psych, but was shut down. (The psychiatrist is just there for the medication recommendations to my doc, though I did ask him to prescribe.) So, what I said is "I think that I've let my doc down." "Oh really," says the psychiatrist, "I'm SURE you didn't let doc down. If I felt all my patients let me down then I wouldn't be able to practice." "Yes, yes, you're no doubt right," I said. Then I kept my trap shut. While the psychiatrist told me to go back to doc for reassurance.

 

The fact of the matter is my doc does feel let down, I'm quite sure. By my drinking, smoking, lack of exercise. He feels let down that I've had wild sexual experiences and some with a man 13 years my junior. His way of punishing me was by taking my weight. He said right after I told him that the guy is 13 years younger: "Alright, alright, get up." He walked toward me and stood close waving his hand in an upwards direction so that I'd get up. I said "I don't need to be weighed, I'll tell you my weight." "You have no choice YOU'RE getting WEIGHED," he said.

 

So he weighed me, didn't shake my hand as he usually does at the end of a session, and didn't even look a me. He was very cross. I'd say he was rattled on some level.

 

Sooooo, I didn't tell my psychiatrist anymore, as it seemed part of an old boys club, nor did I go back to doc for reassurance. I just faxed psychiatrist to take over the prescribing, please.

 

But for some reason, I still think of this man and I don't think I should be. I can't write more now, but will to get your opinion as to why I'm still thinking of him.

 

RE: AA thanks for mentioning it! I'm doing really well with it.

[ja123]

If you don't mind me asking: What gifts did you give your doctor in the past, and how did he respond? I hope they were not something suggestive...

 

Last Christmas, I gave him a big watermelon, pomegranates and nuts and card addressed for best wishes to him and his family. It's hard to get watermelon here in the country, but I made a special trip into the city and I got it. I also gave the secretary an expensive box of chocolates. Really, they'd been so good to me they deserved it. Also, I sent poinsettia to my psychologist, that year as well. BTW, it was his secretary who took his gift saying he's going to love it. Then when I saw him in the New Year he was all smiles (as the gift is a tradition in his country) and thanks me more than once.

 

Once I had two used books of the same, so I gave him one which he wanted as I was showing him this book as a guide to my getting better. He gave me a "suggestive book" about how to live fully after a breakup, and it was tagged with the dust jacket at the part of how to become a love alchemist.

 

Springtime, I gave him a pack of pumpkin seeds, as we had both talked about enjoying Hallowe'en and I thought it a nice thing to do with kids. He graciously accepted and put them in his front pocket.

 

Summertime, I brought in an extra copy of my favourite childhood book about sailing. He said he'd give it back to me once he'd read it, but I said no, just pass it along.

Edited January 8, 2018 by ja123

[ja123]

As for the letter with this year's Christmas gift...

 

I gave him an interesting academic article of existentialism and depression.

 

The letter itself didn't mention his name or my name.

 

All I said was sorry. That it must be extremely frustrating to see a patient like me, so close to health yet willingly throwing the opportunity away by drowning herself in a bottle or suffocating herself in a cloud of smoke.

 

I mentioned I was going to AA.

 

That since he said he was "full" when he took me, I'd lessen the load and have my psychiatrist prescribe.

 

That I appreciated a medication adjunct he'd given me, and thought it was a good call.

 

That I wouldn't be back until I have some results to show him.

 

Also, that I never really got to show him the intelligence and great humour that can go along with mental illness ...

[Veronica73]

Let it go. Just don’t contact him again. I really don’t think there is anything to be gained by it. Don’t think about it or ruminate about what he thought when he got your gift. Just shut it down and move on. I really think that would be best. He doesn’t matter.

[JuneL]

Did this doctor know you're leaving for good? Did he ask you to stay?

[mrs rubble]

I've read this whole thread, you've been obsessing over this Doc for over a year! Everyone here (except for one bizarre poster) recommended you get another Doc, you said it could take 6- 12 months to find one. After a year you're still no closer to finding one and you've admitted in your last post that you will be back to see him when you have some results to show him.

 

 

You are still under some delusion that this man wants you, clearly to me (by the way you describe his supposed "flirting" and other actions) he doesn't. He may find you attractive, but he's not impressed by your swinging BDSM and alcoholism, not to mention your mental health problems.

 

 

It's a New year, set out to do what you claimed you were going to do months and months ago and get yourself another Doc already! Knock this wishful thinking off by never having contact with him again.

 

 

I also read that you yourself are the product of an affair, and your mother was the other woman, does this play a significant part in your depression? Do you think this may be part of the reason you're so obsessed with someone so unavailable to you?

 

 

Good on you for staying of the booze! **high five** Way to go!!, see you can give up an addiction, now you just need to give up the addiction you have to this damned Doc.

[mrs rubble]

I'm sorry if I sound harsh in my first post. I had been reading your story in my down time at work. I wanted to make my observation of your story known while I'd read it all, & I had to get back to it. (Work)

 

I should have congratulated you first on your sobriety! Before the lecture.

Secondly.....

I completely forgot to say how sorry I am for your losses, & I wish you well in going forward.

 

You are a very intelligent lady. Remember that.

Edited January 13, 2018 by mrs rubble

[ja123]

Let it go. Just don’t contact him again. I really don’t think there is anything to be gained by it. Don’t think about it or ruminate about what he thought when he got your gift. Just shut it down and move on. I really think that would be best. He doesn’t matter.

 

You're right. I do tend to ruminate on things.

 

I guess I'm just wondering what it would be like to see him again, especially when I've improved.

 

Bur, I'm living in lalaland .... even if he were interested, it's too much of a risk for him to take.

 

I used to work in the pharmaceutical industry and once asked a cardiologist out, as I'd been given bonus certificate to a nice downtown restaurant for two. He said yes, but then called to cancel. Maybe he, too, was married even though he didn't wear a ring.

 

Yadda yadda ... BUT this guy really is married. What have I been thinking.

 

I guess I kinda want a married man, as I'm too afraid of men and want my freedom, too, now after all I've been through. But, in truth, I'd like more than a MM as he wouldn't even be able to go out on nice drives with me in case we got caught.

 

It all just sucks.

 

Anyhow, thank you very much for responding.

[ja123]

Did this doctor know you're leaving for good? Did he ask you to stay?

 

The answer to both questions is "No".

 

I actually didn't give him the chance for the last question, as I dealt directly with my psychiatrist to take over prescribing.

 

Funny thing is, I was near the clinic the other day and doc pulled out ahead of me. I'm not sure whether he saw me in my car, but he took a particularly long time to make his left turn and didn't use a signal light. I turned right and saw through my rear-view mirror that he was going very slowly ... odd.

 

Anyhow, if he wanted to see me ... he could just ask his secretary to call me to come on for a consultation.

 

Right?

[ja123]

Thank you mrs rubble!!!!!

 

I've read this whole thread, Thank you for taking the time to do so, it means a lot to me. you've been obsessing over this Doc for over a year! It's true.

 

Everyone here (except for one bizarre poster) recommended you get another Doc, And we the exception of my current psychologist who said he's too close to treat me (i.e. he seems to have a very personal interest in my success), yet hang on to him in case you need him. My former psychologist would've told me to find a new doc you said it could take 6- 12 months to find one. After a year you're still no closer to finding one I could've been more proactive in finding a doctor. I didn't even sign up for the provincial list to find a new doc. But I did call some women doctors' offices, but to no avail and you've admitted in your last post that you will be back to see him when you have some results to show him. Yes, that was the plan. I wanted to "show HIM".

 

 

You are still under some delusion that this man wants you, clearly to me (by the way you describe his supposed "flirting" and other actions) he doesn't.

 

I'm going to accept your call on this. I've been only seeing it mainly from my side, and you've taken the time to read the whole thread He may find you attractive, but he's not impressed by your swinging BDSM Personally, I think he was rattled by it and perhaps jealous as he doesn't get to do any of that wonderful stuff! But, then again, I'm seeing it from my side. and alcoholism True, not to mention your mental health problems I'm so high-functioning that he said I don't need meds and that he was going to get me off them, which is why I requested a psychiatrist. It's naive to think I don't need some meds, even lower-dose maintenance meds for the rest of my life. I've have too many bouts of the black dog and I know this, you see. I also disagree with doc in his approach to try to "solve" all the problems and be a Pygmalion of sorts. At least the psychiatrist acknowledged that my mental illness is a double-edged sword with the upside being creativity.... but there's a downside, of course which has to be managed. One thing I don't want to happen is for someone to try to take my creativity away as life would really not be life anymore in my eyes. So, yes, my doc appreciates music, film and art but I don't think he thinks deeply enough to understand that sometimes creative people do "bad" things or suffer from addiction or can be particularly open-minded. So why am I so interested in him. Just knowing that, I shouldn't want him.

 

 

It's a New year, set out to do what you claimed you were going to do months and months ago and get yourself another Doc already! Yes, I'll schedule finding a doc in my agenda and be serious about it. It's the only way. Knock this wishful thinking off by never having contact with him again. That's a hard-pill to swallow.

 

I also read that you yourself are the product of an affair, and your mother was the other woman, does this play a significant part in your depression? I have both biological and environmental depression. So, the answer is yes it does play a part, but I've worked a lot of that through. That being said ... it sure doesn't feel nice to have been abandoned by one's father. And at the beginning of therapy I was mostly angry at my mother for being so stupid. But, perhaps I haven't worked out my feeling surrounding my father. Do you think this may be part of the reason you're so obsessed with someone so unavailable to you? Yes. It's like I'm repeating the unavailable father construct and trying to prove I am worthy of love.

 

Good on you for staying of the booze! **high five** Way to go!!, Thank you!!!! I'm very proud of myself and the women at AA have been so supportive! see you can give up an addiction, now you just need to give up the addiction you have to this damned Doc. Yes, you are right.

[ja123]

I'm sorry if I sound harsh in my first post. I had been reading your story in my down time at work. I wanted to make my observation of your story known while I'd read it all, & I had to get back to it. (Work)

 

I should have congratulated you first on your sobriety! Before the lecture.

Secondly.....

I completely forgot to say how sorry I am for your losses, & I wish you well in going forward.

 

You are a very intelligent lady. Remember that.

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your tone wasn't harsh at all. I didn't feel like you were judging me, but trying to help.

 

Thank you for acknowledging the good parts of me and not just the bad ones.

 

I really do need to come clean and give up this addiction to the doc. I'm crying now. Maybe it's just not about him at all. Past ghosts perhaps ...

 

It might be too weird if I were to go to his office and admitted a crush based on nothing, but said it's affecting our working relationship and that I won't be back.

 

When we started working together, we were meant to be partners in my healthcare, and he had brought it up several times. I think he liked the idea that I had proposed. But, in any case ... I'll probably not get the reassurance and acknowlegement that I'm looking for. In fact, my very own obsession stands in the way of any partnership and I have to acknowledge THAT.

 

Again, though, thank you for your help. Much appreciated!

[Cookiesandough]

Sorry I just read the last post. I'm sorry you've been struggling with this infatuation so long. I understand

Edited January 14, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[ja123]

Sorry I just read the last post. I'm sorry you've been struggling with this infatuation so long. I understand

 

Thank you.

[ja123]

I dreamt of him last night.

 

mrs rubble he's a dark, foreign, and unavailable man .... like my father.

 

 

Yet, he's more available in the sense that he "cares" for me ... as a doc. So, maybe I've misinterpreted things.

 

But, it's hard for me to understand how we opened up to one another - sharing our delight in films and standard driving. We both have a passion to drive.

 

When he gave me the referral to my psychiatrist, I was afraid to go see the new specialist whom I didn't know. Doc said if I don't like him, he'll find me another one.

 

"Bravo, doc ... you really reassured me. I feel loyal to you," was what I thought.

 

Three ways, I've actively kept this obsession alive:

 

1- I've told the psychologist about the crush, but laughed it off and said it must be transference. I've not told her about this thread, nor to what degree and frequency that I think about this doc.

 

2- I only told the psychiatrist that I feel I let my doc down (in that I drink and smoke and don't exercise). I think I saw the psychiatrist write down "transference" in his file. But I have NOT told him about the crush. Partly, to preserve the fantasy, partly to protect my doc should we really embark on an affair.

 

3- I haven't told my doc that I have a crush on him. Why don't I? Then he can put me in my place and blow me off, and perhaps drop me as a patient. Then I'll have my answer, no? Why didn't I confront my doc when he said he'd call me everyday over his weekend, apart from Sunday, and then he never called. When I saw him next he commented about my wearing red boots to show confidence. I really should have called him out on not calling. Why didn't I? I was afraid of rejection and already felt rejected, then confused by his red boots comment.

 

So, all in all, I've not called out my doc to his face, nor have I told the psychiatrist about the red boot comment. I feel it's an old boys club, as the psychiatrist said:"Surely Doc, doesn't feel you've let him down?!!" with big wide eyes. The reality is that I don't trust my psychiatrist as much as I trust the doc. The doc shows that he's human and the psychiatrist doesn't. The psychiatrist is reassuring, but I don't feel he'd have my back in the same way doc would.

 

I really do feel that, contrary to your advice here on LS, I'll somehow have to see doc again to put this to rest.

 

Regarding the swinging and BDSM, (which of the two, BDSM is da bomb) all I've told my psychologist is that with age my views on monogamy have changed. She just laughed.

 

I haven't told the psychiatrist about the swinging and BDSM because he's such a prude, stuffy, doorknob that he might have a heart attack. lol But, in reality, I think he would react in a neutral manner.

 

I told doc about it because I thought he might one of us BDSMers. He reacted, for sure ... but why? Disgust? Turned-on? Jealous?

 

Who knows?

[ja123]

Sorry in advance if I'm an oscillating idiot.

 

But, I'm just trying to work this through ...

 

Thanks!

[JuneL]

I understand it's not easy. Perhaps you can be honest with your psychologist and she will work with you on some techniques.

[ja123]

I understand it's not easy. Perhaps you can be honest with your psychologist and she will work with you on some techniques.

 

I'm embarrassed to be frank about it to her. I'm afraid of being rejected. She thinks so well of me.

 

Part of me is now thinking I'm cultivating this obsession to avoid other issues in my life.

 

That, I should put my tender yet lustful feelings for this doc into poetry and convert it into art.

[JuneL]

I agree that a large part of your obsession was due to the emptiness in certain aspect(s) of your life. It's unfortunate if you have to worry about being judged by your psychologist; I thought the whole point of talking to a psychologist is that you can pretty much see her like a stranger.

[Veronica73]

I’m going to say this again, even though I just said it.... BUT JUST STOP. Stop dwelling on him, stop thinking about him, stop asking for advice about him on these boards. If you REALLY want to know, then just talk to him directly. (Not that I’m advising that, because I am most definitely not). But stop dwelling on him. It’s just prolonging this whole situation. Either deal with him directly, or just stop all this time and energy and emotions obsessing about a completely impossible situation. Just stop. This is what I advise. Just stop. You are wasting your time. When you are thinking about him, remind yourself it’s impossible and distract yourself or find something productive to do. Because he is a complete dead end. Or actually talk to him so he can tell you directly that it is a dead end. (Or if he doesn’t and he is weak, he will use you and make you feel like **** for a year or two until it all blows up). But I recommend just MOVING ON. Anything with him is a complete dead end and you are wasting valuable time obsessing about him.

Edited January 15, 2018 by Veronica73
Edit: I don’t mean to seam harsh... but...I really, really think you need to just move on. The obsession is holding you back

[ja123]

I agree that a large part of your obsession was due to the emptiness in certain aspect(s) of your life. It's unfortunate if you have to worry about being judged by your psychologist; I thought the whole point of talking to a psychologist is that you can pretty much see her like a stranger.

 

My psychologist is actually trained in toxicology with a minor in psychology, so she's not a certified psychologist.

 

But, I do talk to her ... and we stick to things like how I'll increase my income as an entrepreneur, my drinking etc.

 

Somehow, and I'm not really sure how ... people (professional, I mean) tend to think I'm terrific... smart ... nice ... tons of potential.

 

I'm so highly-functioning that I was dismissed at a psych hospital when I calmly walked in with my own diagnosis. I wasn't taken seriously.

 

So, what I'm trying to say is that through their projection of my goodness on to me, then it's pretty hard to show them another side.

 

Sex and death are what I think of ... and no one wants to talk about it.

[ja123]

Regarding, the emptiness JuneL well, this is something I feel ... like an inner void.

 

Unfortunately, I've taken unhealthy paths to deal with it - such as drinking.

 

Now that I've stopped drinking, and while I was working towards stopping, my obsession with doc grew again... so I think they're linked.

 

Maybe when the desire for drink subsides, so will my thinking of doc.