Crush on Doctor - Does he feel the same? [Update: Jan 2019 - Doc brushed me off]

[ja123]

Well here is the logical bloke's approach to this.

 

You live in Florida and decided you didn't want to have a hurricane tear down a few trees and fences in your yard.

 

Therefore, in conclusion, you must demolish your house so that the next hurricane will not tear down a few trees and fences in your yard.

 

One thing doesn't follow the other.

 

No, no... you see, I did build a house in Florida with someone and the hurricane hit and demolished it.

 

I now live on a very small desert island and built a modest house (all by myself) on the lee side.

 

I have a small boat which you'd think she were the finest ship on the seas by the way I sail her.

 

Sometimes, I'll risk the gales and sail her out to meet someone in another boat.

 

But, that's all it is, you see ... two ships passing in the night.

[ja123]

but I have looked up difficult or unstable clients on Facebook only out of curiosity - I’m curious to see who they really are and what their daily existence is like because what I see is sometimes a little “cray-cray...”

No disrespect intended Op, but I can’t imagine that this doctor would want to have any kind of personal relationship with a patient - not if he values his career.

 

Haha @BaileyB - I imagine that I might very well have been on your list as being a little "cray-cray"

 

In any case, the doc, as far as I can see, has already taken some risks ... I mean I could've told the story about the red boots, the weekend phone call promise, the chit-chat, the looking me up on google and telling me, etc. to the psychiatrist ... but, I haven't made one peep.

 

Only way to know is to remove myself from his patient roster (even though I'll be without a PCP) and ask and see ...

 

Or ask and have some type of resignation letter when he gives me his response, either positive or negative, as there'll be no going back to just a patient after I've asked.

 

Remember, the difference between you and doc is that you look people up discretely... you don't go and tell them, yeah I saw you on the internet, read about you, looked at your pics, etc. Right?!! You keep it to yourself.

 

Doc wanted me to know ... why? Only he could answer that, I imagine... less you have some idea why? You're a professional ...

[Garcon1986]

And can you picture yourself having friendboys, or if you find a lad you fancy, you have got to have an affair, no other way about it?

[ja123]

And can you picture yourself having friendboys, or if you find a lad you fancy, you have got to have an affair, no other way about it?

 

It's not a s easy as you might think ... Garcon1986.

 

Women, or at least I, don't find every Tom, Dick or Harry attractive; whereas, I have the impression that, for men, Mary, Jane or Sue would do. Men aren't as fussy.

 

Besides, this attraction, dare I say mutual attraction, has been going on for quite some time now. How do you get over that?

[Garcon1986]

Well as for me, I just like Mary. I have requirements just like you

 

What I'm wanting to point out here is that you could jeopardize a career and a marriage if you go all out. Do you think it's worth all that? There's going to be delicious blokes just like him. If you can control yourself and just have a guy in your life, maybe it's worth a try. But can you really keep your feelings for him under control?

Edited November 14, 2018 by Garcon1986

[JuneL]

Well as for me, I just like Mary. I have requirements just like you

 

What I'm wanting to point out here is that you could jeopardize a career and a marriage if you go all out. Do you think it's worth all that?

 

If she goes all out, the most likely outcome is that the doctor will put her transference in her medical records and help her find a new gp.

 

What would you do if one of your attractive and favorite female patients told you she has a huge crush on you?

[Starswillshine]

It's not a s easy as you might think ... Garcon1986.

 

Women, or at least I, don't find every Tom, Dick or Harry attractive; whereas, I have the impression that, for men, Mary, Jane or Sue would do. Men aren't as fussy.

 

Besides, this attraction, dare I say mutual attraction, has been going on for quite some time now. How do you get over that?

 

An attraction is easy to get over....

 

Affairs, not so much.

[Logo]

A good doctor is way harder to find than a good lover.

 

Don't ruin a good thing.

 

- "Are you a good doctor?"

 

 

 

- "Yes"

 

 

- "I've been a bad patient, doctor"

Edited November 15, 2018 by Logo

[anika99]

Actually I think the way to break this obsession might be to tell the doctor you’ve been having a hopeless crush. If he’s decently professional, he’ll conclude that it’s inappropriate to continue to be your doctor.

 

I don't think you will ever tell him OP. This thread has been going for 2yrs now so I think you rather enjoy this obsessive fantasy over reality. If you tell him and he turns you down or even refuses to treat you anymore then your fantasy will be ruined.

 

It would be crazy for him to get romantically involved with a patient, especially one with mental health issues. There is too much at risk. If things turn sour you could do so much damage to his life. Not just to his career but also to his marriage and family.

 

Sure you might look all sweet and harmless right now but wait until he hurts your feelings one too many times and then see what happens. Oh I'm sure you think that won't happen because you think being the OW is just fun and games but go read some other threads on this board to see how that worked out for others.

[JuneL]

My understanding about physicians dating former patients is consistent with the guidelines posted by Garcon1986. Actually the UK has similar guidelines:

 

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/9953843/Doctors-allowed-to-date-former-patients.html

 

Like I said in my previous post, psychologists and psychiatrists are always out of bound, no matter how long the medical relationship has terminated. I also mentioned that, since the OP's doctor has been sort of treating her alcohol addiction and mental health issues, she would be in a vulnerable position and dating the guy may create boundaries issues even after terminating their medical relationship. In any case, her doctor has engaged in some borderline unprofessional behaviors which may be taken wrongly by a vulnerable patient like the OP (this point is mentioned toward the end of the AMA guidelines).

 

I am not sure what field you are in exactly. If your clients are particularly vulnerable (like the case of special needs individuals), then it's understandable any form of personal relationship is discouraged.

 

 

Huh? I am an associated medical professional and in our code of ethics, any kind of personal relationship is discouraged with a client. We are not even allowed to befriend a client on Facebook, go for coffee or form a friendship with a former client.

 

I have looked up a few favourite clients because I want to know that they are well. And this will sound awful, but I have looked up difficult or unstable clients on Facebook only out of curiosity - I’m curious to see who they really are and what their daily existence is like because what I see is sometimes a little “cray-cray...” We are very careful in our dealing with these clients because we know “this is someone who could cause serious professional consequences if a false accusation of misconduct is made to my professional college.”

 

No disrespect intended Op, but I can’t imagine that this doctor would want to have any kind of personal relationship with a patient - not if he values his career.

[ja123]

@BaileyB - you haven't yet answered whether you yourself would tell a client/patient that you googled them - I'm guessing you wouldn't.

 

@Garçon1986 He's a grown man capable of making his own decisions. I'm not jeopardizing anything. // But, I cannot, as of now see him anymore as my doctor b/c the doc-patient relationship has already been compromised. After my film screening, I'll ask a secretary at another clinic (even if it requires payola to jump the queue) for a woman PCP. ?? Also, you said that you'd be attracted to "Mary" not Jane or Sue .. what would you do if you had a "Mary" for a patient? Would you tell her you googled her, tell her to wear red boots not her current black ones to show confidence, would you offer to call on the weekend? // I'm attracted to him as you are "Mary". "Marys" don't come along that often. // If he were single then I'd probably run in the other direction, as I cannot handle getting too close. I need the distance and fleetingness.

 

@StarsWillShine This attraction has been going on for 2 years, I don't think it's easy to get over either.

 

@anika99 I have no choice but to tell him so I can know one way or the other to move forward. Maybe it would be better if he were to end the "fantasy" flat out... still, I cannot understand why he'd give me signals (and no, they're not all in my head). // I agree that it would be crazy for him to get involved with me. If I were in his position, I wouldn't take the risk - but then I wouldn't have sent mixed messages. // As for being the OW, well, I don't see it that way... I'd just be the occasional hook-up.

 

@June L Yes, June! Thank you for not gaslighting this situation as others have been. The doc HAS engaged in "borderline unprofessional behaviours" which have actually encouraged me. He's in part responsible, IMO.

Edited November 16, 2018 by ja123

[BaileyB]

@BaileyB - you haven't yet answered whether you yourself would tell a client/patient that you googled them - I'm guessing you wouldn't.

 

No, I wouldn't. That doesn't mean however, that because he did he has any interest in having anything more than a doctor/patient relationship with you.

 

As to your other question, if you were my patient I would probably call my college to advise them that there is risk for a complaint, to protect myself professionally. I would then ask you to find another care provider.

 

There is way too much risk to keep you on as a patient... Although, I agree with Anika. I think you like the fantasy, and you are unlikely to act on anything.

[ja123]

@BaileyB How about this for an opening...

 

Doctor - I'm afraid I have feelings that are outside of the doctor - patients bounds. Would you help me find another doctor, please? Preferably a woman. I don't wish to cause trouble, so this is a letter saying that I'm no longer your patient. .... (I could add, if you're so inclined, then call me in 6 months, I'm very discreet.)

[BaileyB]

@BaileyB How about this for an opening...

 

Doctor - I'm afraid I have feelings that are outside of the doctor - patients bounds. Would you help me find another doctor, please? Preferably a woman. I don't wish to cause trouble, so this is a letter saying that I'm no longer your patient. .... (I could add, if you're so inclined, then call me in 6 months, I'm very discreet.)

 

Sure. Although, I wouldn't advise you to include the "call me - I'm discreet" addendum. I don't want to give you false hope, as I think it is extremely unlikely that he would be willing to risk his professional license to practice.

[Veronica73]

Haven’t you’ve been saying that you are getting a new doctor for ages?

 

And I google everybody. It’s just curiosity and nosiness. It doesn’t mean I’m interested in them romantically or sexually. I certainly google my doctors... men or women. I look them up to see if they have criminal records too. I assume lots of people do this kind of thing. It really takes very little time or effort.

[ja123]

Sure. Although, I wouldn't advise you to include the "call me - I'm discreet" addendum. I don't want to give you false hope, as I think it is extremely unlikely that he would be willing to risk his professional license to practice.

 

OK, thanks ...

[ja123]

@Veronica73 Yes, I have been meaning to get another doctor. I remember all your advice ... I just put it off ...

[BaileyB]

Haven’t you’ve been saying that you are getting a new doctor for ages?

 

And I google everybody. It’s just curiosity and nosiness. It doesn’t mean I’m interested in them romantically or sexually. I certainly google my doctors... men or women. I look them up to see if they have criminal records too. I assume lots of people do this kind of thing. It really takes very little time or effort.

 

Good point. I have also googled my doctor - it doesn’t mean that I have any romantic interest in her. I’m just curious to know if she has good reviews, or if she has family pictures on a Facebook page (which she does). I haven’t told her that I’ve googled her...

[Logo]

Have you asked him if he’s interested in playing doctor-patient?

[ABernie]

My sports massage therapist knows the result of every race I do when I come in. I don't think he's interested in a relationship. I think he's interested because we talk about it.

 

I think your opening line is perfect though! But ITA, I wouldn't put the discreet part in. He will know you are interested and can make a decision with or without that last line.

[ja123]

My sports massage therapist knows the result of every race I do when I come in. I don't think he's interested in a relationship. I think he's interested because we talk about it.

 

I think your opening line is perfect though! But ITA, I wouldn't put the discreet part in. He will know you are interested and can make a decision with or without that last line.

 

 

I'm glad to hear positive feedback about the opening line ... I will use it when I speak to him next.

 

I'm just afraid he'll report me to my psychiatrist, but it's ok if he does, I guess. It's just that I haven't said anything about his "borderline unprofessional behaviour", and I haven't any intention about sharing that with the psychiatrist, so I don't want the psych to go digging for it.

[Garcon1986]

If she goes all out, the most likely outcome is that the doctor will put her transference in her medical records and help her find a new gp.

 

What would you do if one of your attractive and favorite female patients told you she has a huge crush on you?

 

 

I would write down that the transference happened and call another physician to witness. Most of my colleagues and myself would all say that dating your patients will always come back to bite you. There is always a lawyer somewhere looking to take down a doctor. Then, I would say because of professional boundaries, I can't do that, but I hope your search for a date goes fantastic.

Edited November 20, 2018 by Garcon1986

[ja123]

I would write down that the transference happened and call another physician to witness. Most of my colleagues and myself would all say that dating your patients will always come back to bite you. There is always a lawyer somewhere looking to take down a doctor. Then, I would say because of professional boundaries, I can't do that, but I hope your search for a date goes fantastic.

 

Oh my, I feel vulnerable at the prospect of being reported.

 

I do not wish to be embarrassed, but I guess that's the risk ...???

[Garcon1986]

The few times I have heard of this happen, it always went down like a Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky type deal, and the lawyers go home laughing all the way to the bank, with the doctor's relationship destroyed forever, being made penniless from lawyers fees, and the woman being labeled various nasty things, but not necessarily quite the same serious consequences. There have been times where physicians can date residents and medical students but, this was always after the evaluation period had ended so there would be no undue influence on grades or career.

[ja123]

Sounds like physicians have limited ways to meet prospective dates, etc