Phantomlady Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 So I was speaking with a man I had met. We spoke for the last month or so and I felt like we got to be good friends and spoke more intimately. He basically began sending me personal photos and we spoke on more sexual terms.(but we never carried this out in person) He then tells me that he is married. Things ended badly after that, as I am not about to willing get involved with a married man. We had each other on our social media sites and I worked out who his wife was, and he admitted that it was. I had my suspicions before but I wasn't sure. They are still living together and I'm not sure if she has any clue what he's doing behind her back. I feel like giving her the heads up, but I also feel like walking away from all of it and not saying a word. If you were the wife, would you want someone to tell you? Or is it better for me to just not say anything? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 Yes. I would definitely want to know. Wouldn't you? Have proof to show her. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 I would want to know whom I married. Tell her. She has right to know, and its better to know sooner than later. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 Holy cow would I have wanted to know! The other betrayed spouse knew about the affair and didn't tell me. Please find a way to gently let her know. You're obviously a good person, so many people choose to believe that the poor husband is in a terrible marriage etc. My wh was not special, he was just the guy who said yes to the woman. The ones who say no are the gems. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phantomlady Posted November 21, 2016 Author Share Posted November 21, 2016 I am just worried about wrecking a marriage and him coming back at me for it. He told me the same lines that all the men seem to do..his wife is horrible to him and they have not been close for ages..blah blah..which anyone with a brain knows those are lies, If he is still with her...then they obviously are getting on well enough to not want to separate. I know enough in this world now to know the lies men say to carry on with a marriage and an affair. I just don't want repercussions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 I've been wondering about this too, and whether it's appropriate to tell the wife in all situations. Maybe wait awhile, a few months, and then send her an anonymous message? By that time he might not be able to work out who sent it. In my case, I'm not sure it would be a good choice. He would know it was me and I have reason to believe it could get violent. He has two small kids, one just an infant, and I don't think his wife has anywhere to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 We would all like to know if it were us, that's a given. Is it your duty to get further involved in the matter? No. Is there marriage for what ever it is your business? No. Do you need the possible drama in your life? No Do you want to look over your shoulder and worry about him blaming you for his problems? No You wisely cut it off. Is it any of your business now? No 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 My advice in this is the Golden Rule. Would you want to know? Really be honest with yourself. For myself I would. And if you have proof I would want that too. The BW in my situation first time around wanted proof but we had been to careful for that so there was none just my word against his. She actually was kinda deseperate about it and my husband tried to recover my texts and couldn't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CommittedToThis Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 I agree with RockDad™, you're out of this situation and it's best to never look back. However, with cads like this guy I can see the temptation of telling his wife; I'm not sure I could live with the karma of being the catalyst for ending their M, but if you can do it anonymously, and live with it, why not? The MM's an a**hole. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 You don't want repercussions. After learning the truth, you ended contact. Leave it be. A manipulative person is skilled at turning the table, and he will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 Tell her anonymously. Then walk away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 For me if you knowingly got into an A with a WS, then I'm in the don't tell category. Sour grapes and all... For the people like you who didn't know and then found out and stopped it I usually think telling is a good thing. Because you didn't do anything wrong and have "clean hands" in this situation. But, for you, since you are worried about blow back I would go with walk away and count yourself lucky. Because you never know if the WS or the BS will get a wild hair to go on a payback campaign. I'm glad you got out before you got in to deep. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 Since this really wasn't an affair, more like a totally inappropriate friendship on his end, IF you are going to tell his wife, have the evidence to show her and DO sign it as you. You've done nothing wrong, so why tell her anonymously? You thought you were getting to know a single guy, when you found out he was married, you ended it. He's the bad apple here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 You would not be the reason the marriage was hurt. His looking for another partner has already done the damage. And anonymous with proof will work. I just recently sent a letter to a bw. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 Why do it anonymously? Seems a bit cowardly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 Not your circus. Not your monkeys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 I've been wondering about this too, and whether it's appropriate to tell the wife in all situations. Maybe wait awhile, a few months, and then send her an anonymous message? By that time he might not be able to work out who sent it. In my case, I'm not sure it would be a good choice. He would know it was me and I have reason to believe it could get violent. He has two small kids, one just an infant, and I don't think his wife has anywhere to go. I'm a betrayed spouse and these are my thoughts.... Most other women want to tell the BS after they get dumped by the MM as some sort of revenge OR they suddenly get a heavy conscience. But in reality, the real reason, whether they believe it consciously or not is to get the MM back into their life. Most OW are already hurting immensely but even though they were dumped ...they're really on the mend as long as they stay NC with the MM. In that case I say "don't tell" because it just gets her right back into the drama and everything she just got out of and delays healing. Even though I'm a BS and I'd want to know....I wouldn't be happy that and OW told me only after the relationship was over, since she knew the whole time he was married and didn't say a word. Because that again draws her back into our marriage. The other cases, like yours where you had no idea he was married and ended it immediately, I say tell her. An anonymous email saying "I met your husband on a dating site (or however) and he led me to believe he wasn't married. Once I found out he was married I cut it off immediately. I thought you should know that your husband is portraying himself as unmarried. I wish you the best, in sorry". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Why do it anonymously? Seems a bit cowardly. Absolutely not. It's more about safety and staying out of the aftermath. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Absolutely not. It's more about safety and staying out of the aftermath. No, that's called not wanting to own your part in the affair and apologizing to his BS. Not in this situation though as the original poster was lied to and broke it off immediately so she has nothing to be sorry about. The aftermath as you call it is a huge consequence of choosing to have an A with a MM, but again, not in this situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 She may already be aware of who her husband is and will only place blame on you. I did contact his spouse for a completely different reason than to tell her but it ended up setting off a d day and she placed all the blame on me and was livid I contacted her at all. She would have preferred to have lived in blissful ignorance. Not all wives want to know or already do know and prefer to let him live his life and she lives hers believing in better off leaving things unsaid. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phantomlady Posted November 22, 2016 Author Share Posted November 22, 2016 (edited) Thank you all so much for you replies. I can't tell her anonymously if I want to prove it. He did send me explicit photos and I do still have our texts where he was talking far more than a friend. But if I were to tell her..I'd obviously need to show proof and then none of it could be anonymous. I also am not considering any of this to try and win him back. Who in their right mind wants a known cheater? I don't want to be in the wifes position one day..no thanks. But I do feel for her, she is living her life with this man thinking it's okay and even if they have their problems, I don't think she knows that he is going to other women now. That bothers my conscience greatly because I would hate for someone to not tell me if I were ever in this position. For now anyhow, I think I will just shut it off and try not to think about it too much. I am not okay with being someone who stirs the pot either. All I can literally think to do is just not think about it and hope that the wife finds out through other means. (Maybe the next one he chats up she will find it through his phone)...fingers crossed, as no woman should ever be treated this badly and be hurt like this. Edited November 22, 2016 by Phantomlady 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 We would all like to know if it were us, that's a given. Is it your duty to get further involved in the matter? No. Is [their] marriage for what ever it is your business? No. Do you need the possible drama in your life? No Do you want to look over your shoulder and worry about him blaming you for his problems? No You wisely cut it off. Is it any of your business now? No I agree with all but the first line... it's not a given for everyone, but it does seem that the majority of LS posters who participate in such threads say they'd want to know. I think you'd get a different consensus if you polled random people on the street. I just don't believe that people should go around trying to change the course of the universe simply because they have dirt on someone. That's not to say never, just not usually... including this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Anonymously can work because it keeps the focus and drama off the sender of the letter. "She's jealous and vindictive" or whatever. By having a known person in the mix, he/she becomes the bad guy in the mess. But anonymously the focus stays on the cheater, where it belongs. Cheaters are excellent projectors and conflict avoidant and masters of the plausible lie and distracting people from the truth. A penned slap in the face can save the betrayed months if trickle truth which I can tell you is pure hell. I wrote a very gentle letter with one or 2 details and mailed it. I knew that the wh had met his ow at a resort hotel with his child, which was a vile detail I would not have divulged, but the fact he'd done that made me out him. The bw didn't deserve that at all, and she was completely in the dark. The letter wasn't traceable and the drama and noise had to be dealt with by the cheater. I wasn't part of it, which is as it should be. The affair ended immediately, I don't know the status of the marriage. But at least she's informed. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Thank you all so much for you replies. I can't tell her anonymously if I want to prove it. He did send me explicit photos and I do still have our texts where he was talking far more than a friend. But if I were to tell her..I'd obviously need to show proof and then none of it could be anonymous. I also am not considering any of this to try and win him back. Who in their right mind wants a known cheater? I don't want to be in the wifes position one day..no thanks. But I do feel for her, she is living her life with this man thinking it's okay and even if they have their problems, I don't think she knows that he is going to other women now. That bothers my conscience greatly because I would hate for someone to not tell me if I were ever in this position. For now anyhow, I think I will just shut it off and try not to think about it too much. I am not okay with being someone who stirs the pot either. All I can literally think to do is just not think about it and hope that the wife finds out through other means. (Maybe the next one he chats up she will find it through his phone)...fingers crossed, as no woman should ever be treated this badly and be hurt like this. Get the censor ninja app. Screenshot your texts...censor out your name and info. Take a screenshot of his number in your contacts and censor out the other stuff. Make a fake gmail account and send her the screenshots. Did he send you dick pics? She'll recognize him Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 (edited) No, that's called not wanting to own your part in the affair and apologizing to his BS. Not in this situation though as the original poster was lied to and broke it off immediately so she has nothing to be sorry about. The aftermath as you call it is a huge consequence of choosing to have an A with a MM, but again, not in this situation. My advice was just for this situation where she didn't know he was married and broke it off right away. She's not a coward because she didn't do anything wrong and didn't choose to keep on with him once she found out. Any woman who knowingly has a relationship with a married man and wants to out him anonymously after the affair ends is cowardly I agree Edited November 22, 2016 by aileD Link to post Share on other sites
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