mjhacker Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 Hi. My wife and I have been married a little over 2yrs now. We are both in our mid thirties and just had our first kid this past July. At the moment the relationship between my wife and my mom is non existent. This started around 12 plus months ago when we first found out we were going to have a baby. At that time the relationship between my wife and mom was actually good. Things started to go down hill when we told my parents that we were expecting our first child (their first grandchild) and asked them to keep it a secret until we were ready to announce it to everyone else. The same day we told them this news my wife and mom went shopping together and they ran into a old co-worker my mom use to work with. They started to chat with my wife also present and during the conversation my mom tells the coworker she is going to be a grandmother and pointed to my wife. After they left my mom made the comment to my wife that she need not worry about that lady knowing the news because she does not know any of our friends and family. Of course this made my wife extremely upset. It was like my mom did not respect our wishes.* This is the part where I made things worse between my wife and my mom. Instead of confronting this issue to mother as soon as I found out I did nothing.* It wasn't until another month or so later that I even talked to my mom about this. There has been a few more instances since then of my mom doing what she thinks is best and not respecting what are wishes might be. *Fast forward to the present and things are not good between my wife and mom and now there is starting to be some tension between my wife and me. Over the past two plus weeks I have had conversations with my mom going over here actions that me and my wife felt* crossed the line. During the phone calls with my mom I would bring up a scenario where instead of respecting our wishes it would seem like she would do what she wanted or thought was best. She of course apologized and said she would never intentionally due something to offend us. I told my wife my mom's response and she told me she doesn't buy that excuse and will not accept an apology from her. There is no dialog between them so I don't see how it can even have a chance to get better. My wife does not want anything to do her and we have not seen my mom in almost two months now. Just this week my wife told me she would like for me to cut all contact with my parents if our marriage was going to have a shot at improving. I'm at a loss of words because I know I would never request my wife to do that with her parents. I need some help. I'm so stressed because I want this marriage to work and for my wife and me to be close and grow. Is it wrong for me to think that it unfair to ask me to cut all contact with my parents? Even not letting them know how their grandson is doing? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 I think your wife needs to step back and think about this. Yes your mom crossed the line and betrayed but she was obviously excited. She has also apologized. What more does your wife want from her? I would ask her this. Its very unfair for her to ask you to cut off your family over something like this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 It was wrong of your mom to not respect your and your wife's wishes. Since it was more than one instance, I guess, you have no choice but to either stop telling anything to your mom or cut contact. Your wife didnt do anything wrong except ask for privacy and your mom crossed it. Unfortunately, you have to make a choice here. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 As a parent and a Grand Parent you and your wife, IMHO need to lighten up by about a 100%. First off, if you and W are so uptight about anyone knowing that you are pregnant, DON'T TELL ANYONE!!! I have no idea where you or your wife are from or your socioeconomic background, but whatever it is you need to step back. Nobody needs to be that tight***ed about anything. Are you going to be helicopter parents? I don't mean to be quite so harsh, but this is NO BIG DEAL and it is no reason for you wife and mother to be at odds. The other thing that you have to understand is that this is the most exciting thing to happen in your mothers life since she had you. Do you get that? She has been waiting for a grandchild since you left home and probably before. Let me warn you about something else, your mom is going to love that child more that she loves you. Are you and wife going to get butt hurt about that. It is not more per say but it is more intense and instant. You guys really need to lighten up an have a beer, after she has the child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 This is the part where I made things worse between my wife and my mom. Instead of confronting this issue to mother as soon as I found out I did nothing.* It wasn't until another month or so later that I even talked to my mom about this. There has been a few more instances since then of my mom doing what she thinks is best and not respecting what are wishes might be. *Fast forward to the present and things are not good between my wife and mom and now there is starting to be some tension between my wife and me. Over the past two plus weeks I have had conversations with my mom going over here actions that me and my wife felt* crossed the line. During the phone calls with my mom I would bring up a scenario where instead of respecting our wishes it would seem like she would do what she wanted or thought was best. She of course apologized and said she would never intentionally due something to offend us. mjhacker, I get a feeling you're understating the degree to which your mom is - or tries to be - involved in your lives. And your wife is probably reacting to that. You'll need to think about boundaries going forward. While your wife is obviously over-reacting and NC is inappropriate, I'd guess you'll need to limit things going forward. Your wife and child are your family now, they need to be your focus... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 No doubt, Grandparents need to respect your role as the child's parents. And, when there is conflict within a family, it is your job to negotiate the differences and your wife needs to feel supported by you. However, your wife's reaction is extreme - to say the least. Is she like this in other aspects of her her work and family life? I too wonder if you are understating your mother's influence in your family and I think there is probably more to the story, between your wife and your mother? I will say, any child is blessed to have the opportunity to share a loving relationship with their grandparents. In all fairness, this is what grandparents do... it's the old saying "What happens at Grandma's house, stays at Grandma's house". I think you all need to be more kind and considerate of each other. It would be a real shame if your child lost his relationship with his grandparents because your mother is unable to respect healthy boundaries or your wife is so inflexible that she can not tolerate someone else's influence with your son. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Who_took_my_name Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 So, as someone who has a wife that doesn't really get on with my mum (don't ask, I can't entirely work it out) it's highly unlikely this will ever get resolved. My wife generally acts like a moody teenager when my family around and it winds me up beyond belief but it is what it is. That said for your wife to ask to cut all contact with your mum over this one incident is ridiculous, she didn't respect your wishes and that's no right but come on, it's not like she tried to steal the baby or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Your wife is being unreasonable. If she forces you to cut ties with your parents, jut wait until you have a friend she doesn't approve of...or a job she doesn't like. You will wind up walking on shredded glass around your wife for fear of setting her off. It's too bad she didn't reveal this side of her personality to you before you married her - so you could run away! I was going to say something else, but figured the above conveyed a sense of my original post without the risk of getting deleted by the great folks who run this site (and for good reason). You, my friend, have a problem that is only going to get worse as time passes... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Ask her would she agree to your child cutting her off for a reason like this. If she says yes she's lying. She's overreacting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WilyWill Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 I agree with the people who say she's overreacted. Sounds like you mom was just so excited that she couldn't help but brag. The way my wife and I handle my own mother's big mouth is to make sure she's the last to know anything. I'm concerned that your wife has some ulterior motive in trying to distance you from your mother. Does she have some control issues? It almost sounds like she's trying to manipulate you into bad relationship with your mother. It's a lot to ask someone to have no contact with their own parents. Your wife really doesn't want her children to know their own grandparents? That's extreme. If your mother apologizes for such a small issue, why wouldn't that be enough? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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