H is 66 and a convicted felon,is there any point?

[GinaB]

I need some advice please. I have been married 25 years to an often angry and depressed pothead husband, who is now a convicted felon. I don't use the term pothead lightly, but I think a regular wake and bake habit (even after being put on probation for pot trafficking) qualifies him. Yes I stayed with him all these years "for the children" because he was our breadwinner and they needed a dad. In retrospect, I should never have married him but I guess I was in too deep, too passive, too fearful of his anger. That is on me.

 

We have four college-aged children, two of whom still live with us, along with a daughter in a law and a granddaughter. He has been unemployed for two years and sort of half-heartedly job searched (he is age 66 and has no real drive, plus he is now a convicted felon for the marijuana trafficking) so he has chosen to live off his retirement and social security.

 

I am 62 myself and no real income, so sadly, I am not coming from a position of power financially. If he had quit the pot after the felony conviction (he got off with 3 years probation), I could have respected him. If he were doing something, ANYTHING, besides sitting around in his robe watching TV, I could have respected him. He just surfs the net, smokes his dope and watches hours of tv. I actually dread coming home now and will often just sit in my car outside for half an hour just to prepare myself to face him and his moods.

 

I stay busy and happy with various jobs and hobbies but then when I see him, my stomach clutches into knots. Fortunately we are in a large house and so he spends most of his time with his tv and his pot. He doesn't get stumbling drunk but he drinks alcohol in the mornings as well as smoking dope, despite the fact that he was arrested for trafficking and I had to bail him out with 50k plus a lien on the family house. Is there any point in staying with him to continue providing stability for my kids, who are grown now?

 

The kids don't know about his prior arrests and such (I have bailed him out of jail 3 times now but this last one was by far the worst). I am so afraid and confused. I know this situation is unhealthy but I am so fearful of his moods (he isn't violent, but he is vengeful), I am afraid I cannot support myself (plus I am old!), I am afraid I will be all alone if I get sick, I am afraid because I know my kids will blame ME for this. Is there any reason that I should hang in with this relationship?

Edited November 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[MidwestUSA]

You're not old. At least not so old that you shouldn't try to get a few years of enjoyment out of life.

 

Get your ducks in a row and get out now.

[Satu]

62 is the new 52.

 

Reach out for a happier future; only you can stop yourself doing that.

 

You get what you choose.

 

Take care.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Gina, I am sorry so few people have deigned to respond to your OP. There are a lot of experienced and knowledgeable folk on this forum who can offer you some really helpful advice and I am surprised they have'nt come forward to offer their help. Actually if you or your husband were involved in an affair a lot of people would have jumped in to offer their advice. I guess that is where they have more experience.

 

Having read your OP I get the impression that you have more or less resigned yourself to living out your life with your husband who of course seems to be on s downward path. I want to ask you if you are qualified in terms of education and experience at any viable profession? You have not mentioned anything about whether you have in the past or are now in the present worked/working at s job. If you have the necessary qualifications and experience could you not get a job again? I know that people beyond a certain age find it extremely difficult to get a job. However if that be the case you could look at something like a carer for elderly disabled people or any other job which does not bar you due to age. If not and if you have an interesting hobby which you can convert into a business proposition you could try your hand at that. The thing is that you have to pull yourself up with your boot straps if you want to escape from the situation you find yourself in. Do not be defeatist. I guess your self esteem is at a low point so you must do something about that. What about your children? Would they be prepared to help you establish yourself? After all you stuck around in an unpalatable situation for their sakes and I guess to some extent they owe it to you to see that you are properly established in your twilight years. I would suggest you get a copy of the book 'Psycho Cybernetics' by Dr. Maxwell Maltz and read it through. Apply the principles laid down there. It will open your eyes to the hidden possibilities within you and make a new person out of you. A new, positive and highly productive person. I really wish you all the very best. But first get off your b..kside and get going. Warm wishes.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am afraid I cannot support myself (plus I am old!),

 

Just one of the many times you contradict yourself - sounds like you currently support both of you to some extent.

 

Your job as a parent is to give your children a solid platform from which they can launch, the rest is up to them. Having done that, it's "me" time and you'll need to decide what a healthy future looks like.

 

I'd guess it's not sitting in your car, dreading the walk into the house ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

Why would your children blame you? Do they not see their father for who he is?

[Arieswoman]

Gina B,

 

H is 66 and a convicted felon,is there any point?

 

Yes, there is every point.

 

You say you are 62. So barring serious illness and accident you could live until you are at least 82, possibly 92.

 

Do you want to spend another 20 years or more living like this?

 

If you husband wants to addle his brain and pickle his liver, that's his problem, but you don't have to let him drag you down as well.

 

Start making plans to leave and then do it.

 

Good luck x