Married, can't stop thinking about another woman

[fifa20000]

I've been married to my wife for a year and a half. We met in college when I was 20 and she was 23 and have been together for seven years (I am now 27 and my wife 30). Up until a couple weeks ago, I would have sworn that I was happily married. However, I've recently met another woman (age 25) at work who I've become infatuated with. I can't stop thinking about her, I have fantasies about being with her, and I get butterflies whenever I talk to her, as if I'm a teenager all over again. I've been thinking about her more than I've been thinking about my wife lately. These feelings have caused me to feel a great deal of guilt and I often feel irritated and angry that I can't get this woman out of my head. A part of me has recently started to wonder if the fact that I married my first girlfriend is a contributing factor. When I met my wife, I was certain that she was the one for me but of course, I had never dated anyone before her. Recently, I've wondered if I gave up too easily on meeting different people before I settled down. Another thought that has been haunting me is the possibility that I may be falling out of love with my wife. I used to look forward to spending time with her but lately, I've been indifferent about it. Also, we haven't had sex on a regular basis for the past few months, which is no fault of hers. If anything, I haven't initiated sex lately, and I can't put my finger on why. I have no intention of dishonoring my wife by cheating on her but I don't know how much longer I can stay in this marriage that I suppose I'm unhappy in. Even though I question if I am still "in love" with my wife, I know that I still love her very much and could not bear to hurt her, which would be the result if I left her. My wife moved half-way across the country, away from her friends and family, for me shortly after we got married so that I could pursue a lucrative job opportunity. I feel that I owe it to her to remain in this marriage as long as possible. On the same token, I don't know how fair it is to either myself or my wife to remain in a marriage despite the large red flag of my persistent feelings for someone outside the marriage. Any advice you have on this situation would be greatly appreciated.

[ja123]

It's good that you're not planning to cheat on your wife.

 

 

Is she someone you can talk to?

 

 

Maybe show her this post, so you can have a dialogue.

 

 

Maybe she feels the same way you do ...

[Leigh 87]

Did you go through this infatuation phase with your wife?

 

All new relationships mostly go through this intense and obsessive phase...

[OldSoulBiz]

Did you go through this infatuation phase with your wife?

 

All new relationships mostly go through this intense and obsessive phase...

 

Listen to what this lady is saying.

 

In this day and age, people seek short term satisfaction and gratification. More so the younger they are. Basically what you're looking for is the flare and "love" you once felt for your wife. Except you're looking for it in someone else now. Hence:

 

I can't stop thinking about her, I have fantasies about being with her, and I get butterflies whenever I talk to her, as if I'm a teenager all over again.

 

You are indeed acting like a teenager.

 

What you need to do is remind yourself that all those feelings you're currently feeling towards this other girl are temporary, and that even if you end up leaving your wife and getting with this girl, then the cycle is going to start all over again... With yet another girl.

Edited November 22, 2016 by OldSoulBiz

[Methodical]

What type of relationship do you and your colleague have? Is she flirting with you and vice versa?

 

Seems like you flipped the happily married switch overnight.

[l8estnews]

You really have to look deeper on this one. Are you really sure you are unhappy with your marriage or are you feeling that because of your infatuation with this new girl?

 

For me, it's not worth throwing away your marriage and start building a new one just because of "butterfly" feelings. Like people says here, sooner or later, that feeling will die down and you might experience the "bored" feeling once again. That's the usual time when you will be able to see if this person is someone you really wanted to be with in the long run.

 

How's your wife as a wife, partner and everything? Answer this to yourself without bias. Meaning, don't create faults just to justify leaving her, but look at her really.

[Leigh 87]

Well it is one thing if the OP never actually went through the butterfly phase with his wife.

 

I personally believe high chemistry is the all important glue that can help hold things together when the mundane everyday life hits. Monogamy can be hard at the best of times, in even the relationships that are very passionate; bypass the infatuation stage, and men usually feel like something is missing.

 

Sure, real love is giving a kidney. It is sacrifice. It is doing things you don't want purely for their gain.

 

But I just don't believe you can fall madly in love or head over heels and reach that exrra depth of love in absence of the initial spark. If the OP did not ever feel this special spark with his wife, then frankly, he grew to love her rather than fall head over heels in love.

 

On the other hand...if the OP was also head over heels, smitten, enamored and infatuated wifh his wife at one stage.... then he needs to evaluate WHY he needs to indulge in the lust filled beginning again; is it because him and his wife have grown and changed to an extent where their relationship is no longer optimal or ideal or the best fit?

 

Or is he the type if, no matter how white hot he starts out , always get bored and have a TENDENCY TO fall hard for new women every few years???????

[Leigh 87]

Listen to what this lady is saying.

 

In this day and age, people seek short term satisfaction and gratification. More so the younger they are. Basically what you're looking for is the flare and "love" you once felt for your wife. Except you're looking for it in someone else now. Hence:

 

 

 

You are indeed acting like a teenager.

 

What you need to do is remind yourself that all those feelings you're currently feeling towards this other girl are temporary, and that even if you end up leaving your wife and getting with this girl, then the cycle is going to start all over again... With yet another girl.

 

I felt the instant spark only a few times. The infatuation and true chemistry has only occured a few times.

 

I know how rare true mutual sparks are.

 

I tend to hold out for a special spark; the type I know I won't find every year.

 

The instant sparks that are more attraction based with no special magnitism to them I can acknowledge and leave alone.

 

If you hold out for something special, AND you happen to be highly compatible and fit well together- then sure, you will likely feel a spark or two again in your lifetime, but because you held out for something special in the first place, the newer "sparks" are put in perspective more.

 

Whenever I have bypassed the hot and heady sparks and infatuation stage, it sucked when I DID inevitably find myself infatuated again.

[l8estnews]

Or is he the type if, no matter how white hot he starts out , always get bored and have a TENDENCY TO fall hard for new women every few years???????

 

This is one of the best things that you should ask a person when dating. How many did the person date and what made them fall apart. Marriage nowadays should be screened diligently. It's very easy to sign marriage papers but it can be costly and a hassle to divorce.

 

I am still trying to understand the concept of Marriage in this day and age.

[whichwayisup]

If you truly love your wife and you've made a choice to BE her husband, then this crush needs to be crushed and forgotten about. People can choose to not pursue a crush -- Question is, do you want to be single and do whatever you please whenever you want? Do you love your wife and life with her? You're risking A LOT for a woman who you barely know.

 

Come clean and tell your wife about your crush. Be honest and tell her you're confused. This will either strengthen your marriage and bond so you both put the effort into each other and work hard to reconnect, or it will drive you two apart.

 

You have let this happen but not putting in effort into your wife and marriage. No sex for a few months, you even said you haven't tried so that's on you - Then a new chicky comes along, turns you on and you're crushing like a teen and ready to skip out of your marriage, a vow and a commitment you made.

 

Really think about this, take giant step back and see the whole picture here.

[Gloria25]

No, I don't believe in this "come clean" crap. Yeah, tell your wife you're eyeballing other women and she will hold it over your head till you die. She will pull it out to win arguements, punish you, spy on you, and gain the upper hand with you...ok, if she's a good woman and not a manipulative one, she may not ever do what I mentioned above, but she'll be wrecked with insecurities on your fidelity and no one needs to be burdened with that - especially when you haven't strayed and are trying to not stray.

 

Like others said, time to water your lawn. Get some marital counseling with your wife...do what it takes to get that "spark" back in your marriage and/or explore how to introduce that "spark". People get complacent/comfortable in relationships and sit around waiting for a feeeeling when fact is, "actions create feelings". Relationships take work. Even when you were just dating, you still had to take "action" ( i.e getting dolled up, planning dates) to attract that person and get to bond with them.

 

So, go home and water your lawn...

 

Well wishes

[Osmium13]

I know exactly how this feels... been there, done that etc.

 

It passes - the infatuation stage that is. Maybe not completely, but it dies down. You'll feel like a bit of a tit when it does as well.

 

There's two ways of going about it. One is completely ignoring work woman, just avoid places where she'll be as much as you can. The other is to talk to her, get to know her and find out her imperfections (she'll have them, though in the infatuation mist it may not seem like it).

 

You may be in for the long haul. It took me over a year to get to a point I wasn't thinking about the OW from the moment I woke, to the moment I went to sleep again. But don't discount that she may the "the one" as well... Some will tell you there's no such thing, but I still think there is

[thecrucible]

There's two ways of going about it. One is completely ignoring work woman, just avoid places where she'll be as much as you can. The other is to talk to her, get to know her and find out her imperfections (she'll have them, though in the infatuation mist it may not seem like it).

 

I agree with this. To make this less risky, you could get to know her in situations where other people are around. You may find fantasy is much better than reality and discover something about her that puts you off. I can't tell you how many times I've been infatuated with a guy and then examined things and realised we aren't right for each other but it's a lot! And like others said, if you followed your infatuation, the relationship would get the same with the next girl. It would be a never ending cycle. I've become infatuated with guys there would be no future with because I've enjoyed the sexual tension. When you're in close proximity with someone, you just can't sustain the sexual tension.

 

You don't have to tell her about this crush but you could talk about how she feels and whether the spark is still there, what you could do to spice things up.