He doesn't want a LDR but wants to stay friends for the future possibility?

[caputo77]

There is this guy that I had been exclusively seeing for about a month, but we decided to just be friends since I'm going abroad for six months next year and don't know when I'd see him again after that. I was willing to give long distance a shot but he wasn't because it had failed for him before. I can respect this and understand this, but now I've gotten attached and don't know what to do.

 

We have continued to stay in touch, hanging out and texting regularly. We don't flirt or do anything physical, but we both still really care for each other in a way that I feel goes beyond friendship. He has told me that he feels a strong connection with me, cares about me, and has even said he can see things long term with me if we find ourselves together again. Being just friends eventually became too difficult for me because I just care too much, but when I tried to cut things off we ended up having an hour long conversation in which he convinced me to keep trying. I asked him to at least close the door so I could accept that we would only ever be friends, but he refused. He said he wanted to keep the door open because the hope that we could be together again one day makes him really happy. He said that it's not that he doesn't want to date me, it's just that he feels we could have something more "real" if we waited and tried it in the future (and this is all on the off chance that we end up in the same city).

 

I respect that he doesn't want a relationship. I'm not going to try to force him into one. But being friends with him is also hard for me because I find myself becoming more drawn in to who he is and caring about him more and more. He said to me: "what's different from before? Weren't we friends before we were ever anything more?" but I just can't let go of the romantic relationship we did have, for however short it was. I guess I understand that the most appropriate way to approach this situation would be to just calm down, accept our friendship, continue to live my life and let things go where they go, but I'm just not made that way. Once I care, I care a lot, and I know that even if I adopted that approach, as long as I was still in contact with him I would subconsciously be closed off to other men in hopes that I could be with him again.

 

I've heard people say that you shouldn't invest time in "emotionally unavailable" men because it won't lead anywhere, and if they wanted to be with you they just would be. Out of self-respect, I'm tempted to take that approach here, but find it hard since he really does have a valid reason to not want to date me right now, and even beyond all my romantic feelings for him, I do just really genuinely care about him as a person. So, I am hesitant to cut things off, but also don't want to wait around for someone who isn't willing to do the same for me. He's told me it's "unlikely" that he'd date someone else while I'm gone, but mostly just because he'll be graduating that semester and would essentially have the same problem with anyone he wanted to date. I'm afraid if we keep talking, I'm going to really fall for him and be crushed when he meets someone else and I can't say anything about it because we were never actually even dating.

 

Long story short: I really want to be with him and would be willing to wait for him. But am unsure if he is also willing to wait for me since he doesn't want to date me now. I'm afraid of getting hurt if he is able to move on when I can't. But I also am so afraid of letting him go because I care about him so much and don't want to lose him.

 

Sorry for the really long post, I just have no idea what to do. I'm leaving in a month. Opinions? Keep talking to him or cut it off? Should I expect him to at least want to try dating me if he cares as much as he says he does?

[Els]

He doesn't want to be with you, so it would be best to go NC. "Keeping things open" works if you genuinely don't have feelings for him and are able to maintain a casual sort of relationship with him, but it sounds like you do have feelings. So by "keeping things open" what really happens is that you end up waiting for him and not being able to move on.

 

LDRs are difficult and it's only worth investing in one with someone who believes in the relationship and is willing to put in the effort to make it work. He isn't, so there really isn't any point in the endeavour.