Do I Want a Family?

[Wave Rider]

I've been struggling a lot with dating, especially with being attracted to unavailable women, or to women who treat me badly; and I avoid available women who treat me well. One of the unconscious reasons for this that I have uncovered is that I'm not sure that I want a family.

 

I am not sure that I want a family because my family of origin was so miserable. My parents are still married and have been married for 40 years, but they have been miserable in their marriage for as long as I can remember. They are doing a little better now, but I cannot remember a time from my growing-up years when they were happy together. At best they avoided each other, and at worst, their interactions were filled with arguments and obvious hostility.

 

I suspect that my dad has Asperger's syndrome, though I'm not sure he's ever been diagnosed. He's socially awkward and withdrawn, while also acting cold, emotionally unresponsive, and generally oblivious to other people. My mom is kind of needy and she could never get my dad to respond to her emotionally without throwing a big tantrum, and even then, he was still pretty clueless about how to meet her needs. She would get angry and yell at him, because if she didn't, he would just ignore her requests. I was terrified by their arguments, and divorce was a constant threat.

 

But they stayed together for some reason, and sometimes I wish they hadn't. Me and my two siblings have all had major relationship problems.

 

If a "family" is the thing that I grew up in, then I don't want a family. I don't want to be in another situation with a bunch of people who are miserable with each other and who blame each other for their problems.

 

But I also feel lonely. I want a deeper connection, and something more to belong to, than can be provided by friends and roommates.

 

So I don't really know what to do. I don't know what a good family or a happy family looks like, and I don't know how to create one. I definitely don't want to repeat the mistakes of the family I grew up in, but old pattern die very hard, and sometimes it feels inevitable that I'm doomed to repeat my parents' mistakes, if for no other reason than I don't know how to live differently.

 

Do you have any recommendations? How do I decide whether I want a family? Is there a way to have a good family? If not, what are my other options?

Edited November 22, 2016 by Wave Rider

[Tayla]

The fact that you know what an unhealthy ( perceived or otherwise) family entails

Can be your guide post.

 

History only repeats itself if the person chooses that behavior or mindset.

 

I suggest you take some time to outline what steps you can take to incorporate healthy boundaries in interpersonal relationships. Then apply it.

[Els]

There's a very wide spectrum between 'only dating emotionally unavailable women who treat me poorly' and 'being certain I want a family with x number of kids'. You might not fall in the latter category, but that doesn't mean you automatically have to do the former.

 

If by 'family' you mean kids, there are plenty of available women who make good partners, who either don't want to have kids or are unable to have kids. So you could go with that. If by 'family' you mean marriage, then that cuts out a bigger subset of the pool (since some women who don't want kids still want marriage), but it's still doable. You just need to be up front about such things.

[Wave Rider]

Well, thanks for the replies. I guess I'll have to deal with the matter further.

[Superchicken]

Hi wave rider.

 

 

Here's my story.

My mother and father were abusive to each other. Police where called countless times. Yes, it was physical as well. I blame both my parents for the abuse.

My brother became the same person as my dad sadly, but I, however, made sure I never go down that path. Many years later, I have yet to strke, a women, and I don't ever see myself doing it. The fact your putting your thoughts here, make you already smarter than most.

So, like me, you can change the course of your family life style.

 

 

I am married, and have 2 kids, whom I absolutely love.

I could honestly say, I would give my life for my kids. This is how much you will love them.

Its different to a love, for a wife, brother, etc. Cant explain it any better.

You will not want to be away from them for too long. They will ALWAYS be on your mind, and you will have countless hours of hilarious fun with them. This is also your chance to mould a person, to replicate the best of yourself, wife, or anyone else you respect enough.

Then as they get older, you share a bond, that in some ways, is just like a Best friend.

Nothing better than when you feel bad, lonely, or sad, you go and hold and hug your kid(s) and you feel better straight away. Its actually better than a wife's hug.

I love kids, but everyone is different, so I'm biased, and blessed !.

 

 

Ted.

Edited November 26, 2016 by Superchicken

[mikeylo]

The fear is normal but believing that you too could end up having a same family life is not. You wouldn't know till you give yourself a chance.

 

The choice of woman is the main thing here. You might be chasing the women you think you could do well with but it doesn't work , so maybe try a completely different kind of woman ? The kind of you least suspect? The one that can bring calmness to your fears rather than make them worse?

 

You may end up being the same kind of father your father is or you could choose o be completely opposite. This is something in your hands.

[AMarriedMan]

First of all, it's a great thing you have identified the core need you believe a family might meet.

 

Secondly, it's also great that you have identified reluctance to have a family as a possible cause of your seeming resistance to meeting a suitable woman. Most people in a situation like yours act on autopilot and end up having families where the negative patterns from their own childhood families repeat themselves. Your "unconscious" mind might be smarter than you think.

 

There are many factors influencing the whether or not having a family is a good idea. Some have to do with you and your baggage. Those are the ones you have most control over. If you decide to try and find someone to have a family with, it might be good idea to engage in serious introspection with the help of a professional therapist to discover and undo the damage of growing up in an psychologically unhealthy home environment. You also need a clear idea of your core values and needs, and firm psychological boundaries. What's great about having boundaries is that those people who have firm boundaries tend not to find themselves in relationships that seriously test them.

 

Other factors have to do with the quality of the pool of potential marriage partners, and the legal and cultural climate of where you live. These you have very little control over. What is the probability of divorce in a first marriage in your state? In your educational and socioeconomic stratum? Among people of your religious and ethnic backgrounds? Study the legal consequences of divorce in your state. One of the worst potential outcomes of having a wife and children might be her divorcing you, alienating you from your children and you still ending up having to pay large sums in child support and alimony on pain of imprisonment with false allegations of child molestation as a cherry on top. (There are even worse scenarios but they are very improbable.) Do your research on how likely the worst cases are and decide how badly you want to take no risk of ending up in one.

 

What kind of issues have members of your extended family had in their marriages, or life in general? When you find someone to start a serious relationship with, you need to observe them and their interactions with their family carefully. What kind of issues have their families had, if any? If you are unsure about having a family and you definitely don't wan't a bad marriage, do screen aggressively for bull****.

 

You say you feel a need of belonging friends or roommates cannot fulfill. Do you have siblings? Nieces or nephews?