How do you decide what family you spend holiday's with...

[WCSU1987]

For the future wife and I, marrying Friday, we have yet to spend a Holiday together over the last three years together. Usually one of us is working Thanksgiving or Christmas. This year we are both off for Christmas. I have yet spent a Christmas with the FWs family. Did exchange gifts once in the morning with her and her mother.

 

This is causing a big conflict between the FW and I. I suggested Christmas eve that her mom, my mom, and both of us celebrate Christmas eve. Suggested I'll cook dinner and so forth maybe go to Church later in the night. That was fine.

 

However, the issue is Christmas Day. I suggested we exchange some gifts Christmas morning. Then I'll go see my mom exchange gifts, suggested the FW can come with me or sleep in. Then around 11 to 1 the FW comes with me to have lunch and exchange gifts with my grandparents. Then we go back home pick her mom up then go see her family by 2 for the rest of the day.

 

The FW is upset over this and wants me to spend the entire Christmas day with her.

 

Not going to mention it till after the wedding. To avoid trouble.

 

What's your thoughts? I feel I am being pretty reasonable.

 

Appreciate any insight or feedback can give.

Edited November 22, 2016 by WCSU1987

[olivetree]

The plan itself sounds reasonable, but...

 

Perhaps she is upset by the phrasing that she can "come with (you) or sleep in" by herself, as if she is tagging along with your plans.

[lovemebreakme]

Honestly I'd just ask her what exactly is bothering her regarding these plans. It could be a clear miscommunication that could easily be cleared up.

[SJS]

Is she upset because she wants you to spend the entire day ONLY with her? Or she just doesn't want you to go to your mom's without her? If it's the latter I can understand, maybe she feels awkward showing up late while you & your family already started celebrating.

[typingrandma]

That is a rough one and shared by many families....... I am a nurse so my family quickly got used to "celebrating" on off days. That worked fine when the kids were young and in our home...gets a little more complicated when you add the in-laws. When my oldest son married, her family demanded every holiday! We finally had to set a limit and ask for equal time, and now we do every other holiday....Thanksgiving one year, Christmas another. Knowing ahead of time which holiday we have with them allows us plenty of time to request that holiday and has saved much grief and conflict. At the same time, you will need to set aside some time for the two of you and also for your children should you have a family down the line. In that case, the Christmas Eve and Christmas Day option is a real help!!! Perhaps do Thanksgiving this year with your family and Christmas Eve with hers??? Ultimately, make sure your wife feels she has had her say in this because she is your priority!! Good luck!

[hannahph]

Myself and my husband have struggled with who to spend the holidays with as well, so I completely understand. It sounds like you're trying to spread the time pretty evenly which is always helpful when both of you want to spend time with family. If she is mad about not being with you all day, make sure to make her feel welcome and wanted at your family stuff as well instead of sleeping in. Goodluck and Happy Thanksgiving!

[sandylee1]

It's usually spent with my family, because our kids (and I ), prefer it. My siblings have kids of similar ages and all the cousins love spending time and having fun.

 

To be fair my husband prefers Christmas with my family as well and we're a pretty fun loving bunch

 

My parents are quite lucky to always see you the Grandchildren on Christmas day., unless we go on vacation.

 

We see his family on boxing day

 

I can't see that changing any time soon.

[basil67]

I completely understand her wanting to spend the whole day with you.

 

Talk with her. Find out how she envisions the day and look for compromise. But do include her in what you're doing.

[adna89]

she is your wife and should be number 1,so you spend the holidays together,no matter your plans..she should be included

 

i would be angry as hell if my husband suggested we celebrate separated,he with his family me with mine

[Who_took_my_name]

Tough one and it's part of the Christmas period I hate. Sounds like you're lucky and everybody is fairly local because then you can split it all easily. My family are hours away but hers are around the corner. Now we have two kids we spend Christmas "just the four of us", although in reality that means her family pop in for an hour or so. Whilst I get that it's tough for me because we've agreed (sort of) that my family can't come to stay on Christmas Day as it's just going to be "the four of us". It's definitely something you need a plan for. She doesn't get in with my family (not she why, she won't say but she used to) and that makes it harder. Her family are fine, I like them but they're very different to me and I tend to find I get bored just sitting around with them.