Catching feelings

[pretty_simple]

Hi people,

New here, just need to vent. I met this guy at work 6 months ago (we don't work together anymore). He approached me already first day at my, at that time new job. He was always so sweet to me, I've seen a sparkle in his eyes. I found him very attractive so when he asked me out I agreed. I didnt plan anything, we had sex, it was awesome, we met again and again and again... He didn't tell me he's married though, when I found out I dumped him. BUT he didn't give up on me, he tried so hard to get it back, sex was so good... The best I ever had. Because I knew its nothing serious I started seeing him again. After some time he started to open up and we started seeing each other more often, we started going out and talk deep and stuff. We get a little closer, a lot closer. I can see the difference, when we started, we met, had sex and went home. Now he calls me every day, we see each other on a daily basis, he just show up at my flat to say hi and ask how I am. We don't talk about his wife so there's nothing I know. I know she's too busy. Last time he told me he likes me a lot and he's getting attached. So do I. I didn't want it but I'm catching feelings. I asked him if he had affair before, he said no but honestly how do I know?

I'm going for long holidays tomorrow, I'll be back in January so there's gonna be plenty time to think. I'm lost. Also, his wife is due December... They got married last year, its gonna be their first child. I know its disgusting he cheats on his pregnant wife but he doesn't want to talk about it. I said to myself, its not really my problem because he knows what he's doing. I know its bad but he wanted to meet me first. He was asking me a lot of questions like if I want to have a baby, if im seeing someone atm, if I want to get married and that kinda stuff... I think he wants to have two women for the rest of his life lol. It won't happen tho, he needs to chose. Is it ok? I don't even know if he loves his wife... Maybe he's not fully happy, I don't know. I feel so good with his company.

[aileD]

The only way you will know is if you cut off all contact with him and give him a little time to divorce his wife before he contacts you again.

 

If he does that, perfect!!

 

If you don't cut off contact he will keep giving you excuses why you will always be second to his wife.

 

Dump him again, let him take care of his home life and get single before he calls you.

[eye of the storm]

Prettysimple, you are in the beginning of a very painful journey. How painful and how long is entirely up to you.

 

The odds are he is never leaving his W. If you are ok with always being second, always being a secret....I was going to say then fine. But, I was fine with it. Till I wasn't.

 

Please at least don't get pregnant.

 

This path you are on has nowhere good on it. You are going to suffer walking it.

 

Getting of it sucks but at least you know you can go somewhere good. The pain will lessen and you can find someone who will put you first. Someone you can call anytime and go anywhere with and not sweat who sees you or who knows.

 

I wish you luck on getting out before you hit face first into the wall that most OWs here have hit. That is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.

[minimariah]

I said to myself, its not really my problem because he knows what he's doing.

 

you're "catching feelings" for this man -- the fact that he is married & about to be a father is most definitely your problem. IF he divorces, you TOO will have to deal with the consequences, the ex AND the baby. those folks aren't going ANYWHERE and they will be a permanent factor in your life.

 

i don't know about you... but i like and NEED to inform myself about the person i have feelings for - that includes their character. the fact that the man is cheating on his pregnant wife most definitely tells you SOMETHING about him, his life, views on marriage & character - so i fail to see how it's NOT your problem or your business. ESPECIALLY if you see yourself wanting some kind of future with this man.

 

you need to decide what you want 1st. take EVERYTHING into consideration... including the backlash & the consequences of the divorce. if you think you can deal with it... discuss it openly with him, put up some boundaries... if not - go full NC. things work out differently for different folks who use different tactics, so i don't think there IS a good advice in this situation anyway (apart from you going full NC because frankly... i'm not sure you're aware of what you're getting yourself into).

[jah526]

My MM also started coming on to me while his wife was pregnant with their second. Apparently she was refusing sex so he decided to put the needs of his penis above those of his wife and unborn child.

 

I have a feeling that some men freak out when they are about to have a child. I know that my dad went into a deep depression when my mom got pregnant with my brother and had to actually be hospitalized. They feel trapped and mourn their freedom, I believe.

 

So, if your guy is like this, imagine a few months down the road when he gets adjusted to having a new person in his life, maybe even loves it. Where are you going to be then?

 

It's good you don't work together anymore. Will make NC easier if you decide to go that route.

[Forever broken]

My MM also started coming on to me while his wife was pregnant with their second. Apparently she was refusing sex so he decided to put the needs of his penis above those of his wife and unborn child.

 

 

 

Am sorry but this made me laugh. You are 100% right too.

[kckc]

My MM also started coming on to me while his wife was pregnant with their second. Apparently she was refusing sex so he decided to put the needs of his penis above those of his wife and unborn child.

 

Most of A starts because of exact same reason. I don't think that A will start when partner is sexually satisfied. I think there's ALWAYS some issues in bed when one of the partners decide to have an A.

[minimariah]

Most of A starts because of exact same reason. I don't think that A will start when partner is sexually satisfied. I think there's ALWAYS some issues in bed when one of the partners decide to have an A.

 

you're wrong.

 

 

also, most researches show that As are very rarely about sex.

[pretty_simple]

The only way you will know is if you cut off all contact with him and give him a little time to divorce his wife before he contacts you again.

 

This seems the most reasonable, but is it possible? I have never spoke to him about his marriage or eventual divorce.

[pretty_simple]

you're "catching feelings" for this man -- the fact that he is married & about to be a father is most definitely your problem. IF he divorces, you TOO will have to deal with the consequences, the ex AND the baby. those folks aren't going ANYWHERE and they will be a permanent factor in your life.

 

i don't know about you... but i like and NEED to inform myself about the person i have feelings for - that includes their character. the fact that the man is cheating on his pregnant wife most definitely tells you SOMETHING about him, his life, views on marriage & character - so i fail to see how it's NOT your problem or your business. ESPECIALLY if you see yourself wanting some kind of future with this man.

 

you need to decide what you want 1st. take EVERYTHING into consideration... including the backlash & the consequences of the divorce. if you think you can deal with it... discuss it openly with him, put up some boundaries... if not - go full NC. things work out differently for different folks who use different tactics, so i don't think there IS a good advice in this situation anyway (apart from you going full NC because frankly... i'm not sure you're aware of what you're getting yourself into).

 

I know, but as long as he stay married, problem isn't mine. Sorry if you don't agree but that's what I think.

[BluesPower]

Honestly for men they are...

 

I know a lot of people will say different.

 

But for almost all men, affairs are about the sex.

[pretty_simple]

The odds are he is never leaving his W. If you are ok with always being second, always being a secret....I was going to say then fine. But, I was fine with it. Till I wasn't.

I wouldn't be ok with it.

 

Please at least don't get pregnant.

This would be the worst thing I'd do.

[kckc]

Honestly for men they are...

 

I know a lot of people will say different.

 

But for almost all men, affairs are about the sex.

 

That's what I think, that's what almost every man told me. We all know that men can separate feelings from the needs, women can't so we often end up attached.

[minimariah]

...but that's what I think.

 

& it's somewhat typical, too. it seems like you never really bothered to REALLY think all of this through. it also seems that the A is based solely on sexual chemistry + comfortable company. it's a little baffling that he never discussed his situation with you and it's even more baffling that it never occured to you to ASK. he lied to you -- you found out & dumped him... he reached out again. THIS is the "communication" moment where he answers all your WHYs and WTFs... that simply never happened with the two of you and i wonder why.

Edited November 22, 2016 by minimariah

[minimariah]

This seems the most reasonable, but is it possible? I have never spoke to him about his marriage or eventual divorce.

 

if you ARE to do this... you should probably let him know you're interested in a relationship AFTER (if) he divorced. cutting off all contact without letting him know you're willing to give the relationship a go probably isn't a good idea. he should divorce for HIMSELF, of course... but he'll need a lot of support (i assume) - especially because he'll leave the wife alone with a newborn.

[minimariah]

But for almost all men, affairs are about the sex.

 

if this was the case, men wouldn't engage into EAs at all. LoveShack alone is full of OWs whose affairs never reached the physical level.

 

and also, one thing folks LOVE to ignore... research, guys. research. it can't be denied, even when it's empirical - it certainly can't be denied by anecdotal evidence based on limited personal experience.

Edited November 22, 2016 by minimariah

[pretty_simple]

& it's somewhat typical, too. it seems like you never really bothered to REALLY think all of this through. it also seems that the A is based solely on sexual chemistry + comfortable company. it's a little baffling that he never discussed his situation with you and it's even more baffling that it never occured to you to ASK. he lied to you -- you found out & dumped him... he reached out again. THIS is the "communication" moment where he answers all your WHYs and WTFs... that simply never happened with the two of you and i wonder why.

 

When I found out that he's married I asked him why he's unfaithful but he didn't want to answer, he changed the topic. I am not pushy so I just left it how it was (mistake?) And never asked again, maybe I'm a little afraid to actually hear the answer... We never had a proper convo about this whole thing.

[kckc]

affairs never reached the physical level.

 

Is it still an affair, though?

[minimariah]

Is it still an affair, though?

 

of course. there is a lot of material on EA (emotional affair), you can do your research (if interested). ALTHOUGH - there are folks who consider it an affair only when body fluids are being exchanged... so there is that.

[kckc]

of course. there is a lot of material on EA (emotional affair), you can do your research (if interested). ALTHOUGH - there are folks who consider it an affair only when body fluids are being exchanged... so there is that.

 

Interesting...

[stillafool]

When I found out that he's married I asked him why he's unfaithful but he didn't want to answer, he changed the topic. I am not pushy so I just left it how it was (mistake?) And never asked again, maybe I'm a little afraid to actually hear the answer... We never had a proper convo about this whole thing.

 

Do you have any idea how horny this man is since his wife is 8 mos pregnant? That is why he's cheating for the sex. Once the baby is born and she gets back in shape to have sex you will see less and less of him. How would you feel if you were married, 8 mos pregnant and another woman was considering making your husband her bf? Would that make you happy?

[BluesPower]

I don't get the EA thing at all...

 

I guess that it an ego thing for both people involved. I would never go there.

 

I should say that Physical affairs for Most men are about sex. Not all but most, regardless of what some sociologist says.

 

I wonder what the percentage of EA's to PA's is?

 

But I could be wrong, it would not be the first time.

[aileD]

I tend to think the EA is a prelude/grooming into the PA.

 

Affairs that are ONLY EA are either long distance, online, or got found out before it got to the PA stage

[lftbehind]

& it's somewhat typical, too. it seems like you never really bothered to REALLY think all of this through. it also seems that the A is based solely on sexual chemistry + comfortable company. it's a little baffling that he never discussed his situation with you and it's even more baffling that it never occured to you to ASK. he lied to you -- you found out & dumped him... he reached out again. THIS is the "communication" moment where he answers all your WHYs and WTFs... that simply never happened with the two of you and i wonder why.

 

A lot of the time we don't ask important questions of the AP, because we don't want to know the answers. Then we would have to see the reality of the situation, not the fantasy that we have of it.

[minimariah]

But I could be wrong, it would not be the first time.

 

you ARE wrong... i keep trying to point that out.

 

you keep relying on assumptions & anectodal evidence while ignoring professional research... that is, of course, YOUR prerogative - but it's not logical.

 

EAs exist in their own right. there is usually slight touching, kissing or hugs involved. also, if there IS sex - it doesn't happen often, for this or that reason. the affair is based on emotional connection & companionship.

 

folks like to think that MMs (&MWs) cheat only when they aren't satisfied with their home sex life and not getting any -- i believe that's a form of defense mechanism because that way... you can find comfort in thinking you're safe and protected from being cheated on as long as you keep the fire alive in the bedroom. getting cheated on when the sex is fun, fantastic, when there is communication, connection... that is REALLY scary because it means your best version isn't enough for your partner.

 

my own anectodal evidence - i've worked with over 50 MMs & almost all of them fell in love with their AP, felt some kind of connection and companionship meant so much more than sex. they were definitely emotionally connected & getting over their As took some time... so even when there is a PA -- it doesn't mean that there isn't an EA, as well.