Catching feelings

[BluesPower]

minimariah - Well I guess you must be right...

 

I will say that for this MM it was about sex. It does not mean that there is not a connection or companionship though. I mean I liked all my OW's and just really dug some of them a lot or I would not have been with them.

 

But I also would not have been with them if we were not having sex...

[minimariah]

I will say that for this MM it was about sex.

 

i understand & i assume it's like that for a LOT of MMs. my point was more that the A is possible even when the partner IS sexually satisfied; sexual satisfaction doesn't necessarily include satisfaction on every other level. you don't have sex 24 hours a day, no? at one point, you gotta hold a conversation and THAT is when the trouble might appear. also, being sexually satisfied doesn't mean that there won't be strong sex chemistry & attraction toward other folks at some point; sexually satisfied doesn't mean blind or immune to noticing others. in this particular situation - it seems as if the A started as SEX only and... frankly, it seems as if it's STILL that way. there is mutual liking... but i believe it comes as a result from good sex, not from liking each other's character.

 

+ they've only known each other for 6 months.

[pretty_simple]

Well, he told me that now its something more than just sex, now he said he likes my personality and character. We both didn't know each other so well on the beginning because we never really made a conversation, but when we started getting to know each other we found out there's a lot of things we have in common, he always complements me that I'm smart, funny and he never expected it from me. He just saw my pretty face and nice body (so do I) but now there's more, we've connected. There's no day without us talking, we see each other quite often. I've realized he's becoming a very important part of my life and I have no idea how its gonna end. I totally lost interest in other guys, I don't even reply for their messages anymore. Now I'm out of the country and need yo wait until January to talk to him fave to face. I guess a lot of things may change until then. We'll see.

[eye of the storm]

He is pulling this right out of the A play book. He is playing with you. It is easier to keep an OW than groom a new one. He does not want to lose you. Not because he has this great love/connection to you but because he already thinks he has you hooked. So he will say/do anything.

 

I loved my MM and I still believe he loved me. But he would not choose me. I was, and would always have been, second. It doesn't matter the reasons they stay married. What matters is they choose to keep us tied to them, trapped in a box until they want to take us out to play, unable to have a life of our own. We give them our lives, our hearts, our souls and they put us in a box to be hidden.

 

Im telling you. From experience. Pain. Lots and lots of pain. Until you decide you have suffered enough. Then more pain until you heal.

 

You are on the edge. don't fall into this pit. Its not fun and we do not have cookies. We have pain.

[pretty_simple]

Dear eye of the storm, I can tell you are being very hurt and I feel for you. I might just go through your threads.

 

I think I'm strong enough to give us a few more months, if it won't work I'll move on. Because I don't wanna be the second woman for the rest of my life, I want to have a baby and family. Maybe I'm being extremely naive to think he'd chose me, but if I won't try I will blame myself for the rest of my life for not trying.

[DKT3]

Dear eye of the storm, I can tell you are being very hurt and I feel for you. I might just go through your threads.

 

I think I'm strong enough to give us a few more months, if it won't work I'll move on. Because I don't wanna be the second woman for the rest of my life, I want to have a baby and family. Maybe I'm being extremely naive to think he'd chose me, but if I won't try I will blame myself for the rest of my life for not trying.

 

Yes you are, in a few months only are thing that will change is your level of attachment.

[eye of the storm]

In a few months it will be harder to separate. Your feelings will be stronger and his grip will be tighter.

 

My pain is self inflicted. I did this. I fell in love with MM. I have no one to blame but myself.

 

But if you like to damage yourself. Welcome to the club.

[pretty_simple]

I won't see him till January anyway, so we will see how it goes.

 

Do you actually think is it possible to build a relationship with MM? I know they rarely leave their wives, but who knows for sure? I am aware of the fact that men lie a lot and they put their needs first however, I want to give it a shot.

 

But maybe I will actually end it up, I may just give him a choice when I'm back. Because I need to know, I need to hear it from him. Until then, I'll try to put my feelings on hold.

 

By the way, eye... I went through your story and honestly it wasn't a pleasure to read. Your xMM is a guy who just were using you for so many years (its hard to believe). I will be cautious.

[eye of the storm]

PrettySimple, I don't think he used me. He wanted sex and I was angry at everything. Don't try to figure that one out, even my therapist couldn't wrap her brain around my choices during that time.

 

My A started with me knowing full well he was married. I was doing some self destructive behaviors and he was one of them. But in time, we became friends. Then we fell in love.

 

I tried cutting it off many times. I always went back. I tried to just be friends. I couldn't handle it. He respected my boundaries. I couldn't respect my boundaries. I just wanted him. As my friend, as my lover, as my Master.

 

Eventually the pain outweighed the pleasure and I finally ended it. But it heartbreaking. That is why I am trying so hard to get you to see, now, before you are in to deep, that this is not a good place to be.

 

My MM, for all his faults, does love me. But he won't choose me. Just like your MM won't choose you. So, it doesn't matter if they love us. Love without action is just like saying "sorry I stole your last soda" when you know full well you'll do it again. It doesn't mean anything.

 

Honey, take this time you have to put him in your past. When you get back just keep moving forward.

 

But if you absolutely must give him a chance then do it with details. If you want to be with me, call me when you file. I want to see papers. Then keep him on a time frame. If he won't file, you know. If he won't move out of their home, you know. Remember, him loving you does not matter. His actions do.

 

Make him choose you or YOU walk away. You have the power.

 

lol I have a lot of pride and having to say to all the posters who knew back in 2014 what an idiot I was that they were all right and I was 100% wrong was sobering. I don't want you coming back here in a few years battle scared, humbled, and hurting.

[pretty_simple]

I don't get, he loves you but doesn't want to be with you? I think that person he loves the most is himself.

[eye of the storm]

She is family stability, mother of his children, holder of half his retirement and assets.

 

I am conflict.

 

He would have to give up so much to be with me. Half of everything he owns. He would have to deal with upset (adult) children. He would have to deal with parents who don't approve of divorce.

 

So as much as he loved me. He didn't love me enough to deal with the fallout of choosing me.

 

So love without action means nothing. Sounds pretty. looks pretty. means nothing.

 

I won't even say your MM doesn't care for you. I am telling you he will not leave her for you. She is the new mother of his child. She is 18+ years of child support and possible alimony.

 

You are conflict. He won't like that.

[pretty_simple]

Like I said, I will keep my feelings on hold. Thank you for your replies.

 

Eye of the storm, I hope you'll get over him soon and find someone else who will fully love you. Bless

[pretty_simple]

So I'm here wondering, while I'm away we are in touch all the time, we talk every day though. We were Skyping today and he told me for the first time that he's considering a divorce... He also told me that he misses me like crazy, what surprised me was him saying he misses my company, my voice, my laugh. So I asked him what about his wife and we finally had a conversation about it. "When I met you I realized that me and my wife are totally different people, you made me think about what makes me happy and what I really want in a relationship", that's what he told me. It just made me think.

[eye of the storm]

Words are cheap. Only listen to actions.

 

Thought you were taking till Jan to think.

 

Most MM will not leave you alone to long because they worry you will come to your senses.

 

Tell him if his M is so bad he should move out. He won't but watching him backpedal and the excuses he gives you will be fun.

[MargR]

I think you should call his wife and ask her if she minds sharing her husband with you because the sex is so good.

 

Are you out of your mind? He's using you! Sex is uncomfortable for his wife being pregnant and all. He's going to bond with his child and you are going to be out the door.

 

Use this time to meet someone who is a v a i l a b l e - not married!

[pretty_simple]

Well, I try to think but why go total NC? I feel like I am being hated for getting involved with a married man but I'm not the first and not the last. This is certainly a two-way process, it takes two to tango.

 

On the other hand, I am concerned about the whole situation, I'm aware I need to be cautious and I will be, but I can't stop thinking about a potential way of us being together, I don't know, I just overthink maybe.

 

I think the best option will be to back off and give them some time, just let him make a decision in peace. I know he's honest with me, I have that feeling.

 

Just for the record, he did have sex with his wife before he met me.

[eye of the storm]

I'm not hating on you. I'm just trying to get you to see the massive sinkhole you are running full out towards.

 

I wish I had listened from my first post. I didn't and paid the price for it.

 

If you thought that you were in a good relationship you wouldn't be here.

 

Remember one thing though, you know he is telling you the truth...his W would say the same thing...and both of you are wrong.

 

But it sounds like you have decided to listen to his words and ignore his actions. So I'll just wish you luck.

[minimariah]

It just made me think.

 

...about what? he gave you the most shallow & generic explanation. he might leave his marriage... he might not. the thing that baffles ME the most is how neither one of you thinks BEYOND that. there is absolutely NO MENTION of his child... at all, for example. it doesn't seem to even cross your mind.

 

I think the best option will be to back off and give them some time...

 

don't lie to yourself - you're not backing off. you're not going anywhere, no matter what happens.

 

Just for the record, he did have sex with his wife before he met me.

 

well, obviously. she didn't get pregnant on her own.

Edited December 3, 2016 by minimariah

[drypuddle]

Have you gone through and read stories of the OW here? It was eye opening for me and I highly encourage it. There are parallels amongst most affairs and even in reading yours, I see the parallels in mine. I certainly hope you read the stories of others and think carefully about how you want to proceed.

 

Eye, I always value your contributions. When you mentioned how he would never choose you, you were always second, it really resonated with me. I would have the fight with my xMM and he always said he does choose me, I'm never second choice, etc. my response to that was "but you always go home, right?"

 

They always choose themselves, OP, which often times means staying with the wife. I hope you really hope you realize that sooner than later.

[BluesPower]

Pretty simple, think about this...

 

I absolutely will not hate on you and I have been on both sides of these situations.

 

First, if you are a grown woman, unmarried, society and a lot of women will hate you for being involved with a married man. But, you know it is his choice to be with you, but it is very difficult to be the OW as a matter of course.

 

But let me share this with you. I have had a lot of women when my marriage was in a bad place, and I never lied to them once. I explained that I loved my wife and if she got herself together I was going to stay with her. I did not actually realize that she was a drug addict until much later. And it really did not matter at that point.

 

I really liked some of my OW's, I cared for them, especially my primary OW. We were really great together in so many ways not just sexually. We really enjoyed spending time together. But when it was time to break up, she literally lost her mind. For about 2 months she went completely crazy.

 

The point is that even though you know the score, you are already falling in love. You just don't want to do that.

 

I am not saying that there is no chance that he will leave his wife, but I am saying that there is a huge chance that he will stay for a lot of reasons.

 

In the long run, your odds are better if you find a single guy that can really be with you.

[SolG]

I tend to think the EA is a prelude/grooming into the PA.

 

Affairs that are ONLY EA are either long distance, online, or got found out before it got to the PA stage

 

My A started as an EA. It wasn't until nine months in that we gave in and became physical. BUT we were a sexual powder keg by then. We'd expressed ILYs and indulged in excruciating light touches and promises. So I agree that EAs are in essence a PA in waiting. And we weren't long distance... we were in the same department and travelled together often--we mark a date when we were away together for a month as the start of our A. Think 14 hour days and then dinner and relaxing in each other's rooms and sharing everything about our lives and desires.

 

We were so deep in it wasn't until three years later that things went to pooh. Those three years were miraculous. We travelled, we worked, we shared everything... but then it became the most challenging thing I've ever had to deal with in my life.

 

I sometimes now wonder if I wasn't the most naive AP on the planet. All you ladies become self aware much sooner than I did.

 

You are six months in and self aware in a way I never was for a far longer period of time. Don't fall in love. It makes you vulnerable. Protect yourself. Or strap in for the long haul if you dare.

[pretty_simple]

All of your replies made me angry at first, I don't know why. I was upset, didn't want to hear the truth.

 

I've decided to stop sleeping with him, but we are in touch (a constant one), we go out and we're friends but there's no physical contact whatsoever. I do date other guys, he's still married, their baby was born and he is in total love with him. I have no idea what his plans are, but I know I don't want to waste my life. I do like him a lot and I am attracted to him, I realized he is a really good friend, I can always rely on him and he is being very helpful, we talk about issues and everything, I can't let it go because I know it's real and it will leave me empty.

[anika99]

You will not be able to move on until you cut him out of your life. Just not having sex anymore doesn't make this a platonic relationship. You are still in an emotional affair with him and at some point you will likely wind up in the sack with him again.

 

Stop being friends with him for your own good. You will have pain now but reap the benefits later. Or you can keep doing what you're doing and have years of pain with no rewards.

[BuddyX]

Fill that empty with something else. Go NC ASAP.

 

You know that, divorce talk he had going with you last year, you know that was total BS.

 

He's stringing you along. Unfortunately, there are 3 parties that are getting the shaft; wife, kids, and your dates. Do you ever tell your dates that you have someone on the side?

[pretty_simple]

You will not be able to move on until you cut him out of your life. Just not having sex anymore doesn't make this a platonic relationship. You are still in an emotional affair with him and at some point you will likely wind up in the sack with him again.

 

Stop being friends with him for your own good. You will have pain now but reap the benefits later. Or you can keep doing what you're doing and have years of pain with no rewards.

 

But who said that I want to "move on"? I've chosen no to have an affair with him, but I don't want to lose contact. I'm ok, I don't cry over him. I said I am attracted to him, but I know how to control myself. I date and talk to other guys, too. Would I like to be with him? Probably yes, I think we would be a very good couple, but not until he's married, it's over for me now but he is one of the best people I have in my life right now, he listens to me, not even my parents or other best friends - why to give it up, we don't and we won't cross the line. However I know this line is pretty thin.