WhatWasThinking Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 I guess I'm not looking for advice, though I welcome all comments. I just don't have anyone to talk to about what's going on. I'm a little embarrassed that I've gotten myself in a situation that has the ability to ruin my entire life, yet I continue because I love him so much. I wanted to think my relationship was different, but after reading so many posts, I guess we are all pretty much the same. My affair with a MM started almost 2 years ago (I am single). He has two children and his wife is miserable to him (but do any of these men say she's an angel??) We met when he started working where I did. We quickly hit it off as friends but we both knew there was undeniable chemistry. It wasn't long before we were meeting for lunch time sex and he is hands down the best lover I've ever had. Without going into boring details, he left the job and started his own business and hired me to manage it. He was supposed to be getting divorced soon (i know, i know...) but wanted to start another business. That was done all in my name so she couldn't take profits from that one as well. I did all the start up work and aside from some financial contributions, that business is all my creation and responsibility. About a week ago I emailed him to ask just what I was to him. I would never ask him to leave his wife, I don't want him on those terms. It needs to be totally his decision. He basically told me he can't leave his kids and will stay with her until he can't stand it any more. I guess I don't understand why he has me so wrapped up in his life, when it seems like we will never be a real couple. So now I'm his right hand for business and pleasure, staying home wondering where I went wrong. I can't afford to quit and I have so much invested in the new business that I am not ready to give up on that either. I guess I just needed to vent about how badly I seem to have messed up my life, and I just don't know how to fix it. Thanks for listening, please be gentle with your replies. I am all too well aware that this is all my fault. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Read through this forum on the topic of OM/W.....you find a lot of similarities in your man as those who are posted about. My advice, break it off, and find yourself. If you can continue in the business do so, but this is a pain train with no end in sight. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Welcome to Loveshack. A clip from my journals: "The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe. What the other woman believes "He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older." This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings." It sounds like you've started to see the reality that lies beneath the illusion. You need to start thinking about finding a way out. Begin by talking to a lawyer about where you stand re the business and financial side of things. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Why does he do this? He gets everything. A wife to take care of his home and children, someone to come home to every night, support him with that mundane stuff. Plus he gets the business oriented, lunch time sex partner with all of the excitement and support that brings. Not much of a motivator to change the status quo huh? And of course she is terrible and miserable - would you have been so inclined to sleep with him if he said she is a good wife and mom and doesn't deserve any of this? I am not trying to be a meanie. I have been the OW - although we never got "deep" and my MM didn't lie - he said he was selfish and his wife didn't deserve it. Which is the real story 99% of the time. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
independentwoman Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Why does he do this? He gets everything. A wife to take care of his home and children, someone to come home to every night, support him with that mundane stuff. Plus he gets the business oriented, lunch time sex partner with all of the excitement and support that brings. Not much of a motivator to change the status quo huh? And of course she is terrible and miserable - would you have been so inclined to sleep with him if he said she is a good wife and mom and doesn't deserve any of this? I am not trying to be a meanie. I have been the OW - although we never got "deep" and my MM didn't lie - he said he was selfish and his wife didn't deserve it. Which is the real story 99% of the time. I was told the same thing, the wife was miserable, terrible, blah blah, I've come to find out that isn't the truth at all. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 I guess I'm not looking for advice, though I welcome all comments. I just don't have anyone to talk to about what's going on. I'm a little embarrassed that I've gotten myself in a situation that has the ability to ruin my entire life, yet I continue because I love him so much. I wanted to think my relationship was different, but after reading so many posts, I guess we are all pretty much the same. My affair with a MM started almost 2 years ago (I am single). He has two children and his wife is miserable to him (but do any of these men say she's an angel??) We met when he started working where I did. We quickly hit it off as friends but we both knew there was undeniable chemistry. It wasn't long before we were meeting for lunch time sex and he is hands down the best lover I've ever had. Without going into boring details, he left the job and started his own business and hired me to manage it. He was supposed to be getting divorced soon (i know, i know...) but wanted to start another business. That was done all in my name so she couldn't take profits from that one as well. I did all the start up work and aside from some financial contributions, that business is all my creation and responsibility. About a week ago I emailed him to ask just what I was to him. I would never ask him to leave his wife, I don't want him on those terms. It needs to be totally his decision. He basically told me he can't leave his kids and will stay with her until he can't stand it any more. I guess I don't understand why he has me so wrapped up in his life, when it seems like we will never be a real couple. So now I'm his right hand for business and pleasure, staying home wondering where I went wrong. I can't afford to quit and I have so much invested in the new business that I am not ready to give up on that either. I guess I just needed to vent about how badly I seem to have messed up my life, and I just don't know how to fix it. Thanks for listening, please be gentle with your replies. I am all too well aware that this is all my fault. I know someone in this exact situation IRL, only some of the details are different. But the business thing - it is odd and I didn't understand it but let me ask you - and you do NOT have to respond on a public forum, just think about it. What is he gaining from your business? I mean that literally. You said he started a business too. Is his business giving money to your business? Or vice versa? There is always a catch and a hidden agenda. No one does this sort of thing for altruistic motives. Be careful you are not being used for something illegal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 (edited) Just understand that he's still having sex with his wife. Now, let that one sink in. Also do the daughter test. What would you tell your daughter if she came to you with this story? He's staying till he can't stand it anymore is code for "he's not leaving". A previous LS member said it best. And I quote "They all say its guilt, kids, blah blah. Translation: I don't want everyone to know what a selfish ass I am. I want to keep my money and maintain the status quo. If they felt guilty about their affairs and their kids, why are they spending time away from their kids in bed with an OW?" Edited November 22, 2016 by BuddyX Grammar 6 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 I can't afford to quit and I have so much invested in the new business that I am not ready to give up on that either. the second business is in your name - fire him. dedicate yourself to THAT business and once it takes off... you might be okay. as long as you're his right hand (profesionally AND personally)... you won't move on. that's the only truth and it's up to you to decide what kind of life you want for yourself. why is he keeping you when it seems like you'll never be a real couple? because you're his escape from tough reality. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever broken Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 I have been there. I heard the same stories. My wife is horrible among others but where did that lead me, forever broken. His wife is still in his present and I was left in the past. Just be careful because if his spouse finds out, the same person that claimed to love you will show you his true colors. Please, don't end up like me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 I know it seems special to you, but your post reflects a classic affair. "My wife is cold, detached and doesn't understand me" is the oldest line in the book. He's no martyr. He's married to his wife because he wants to be. If she finds out, you might discover, like so many women on this board did, that he is willing to do anything to stay married to this person making him so miserable. People divorce every single day. How many divorced people do you know? He's no martyr, he's got it going on. His wife at home, which you can be pretty certain he is sleeping with, doing nice things for and telling her he loves her, and you on the side, for some midlife crisis sex. Continuing this relationship will be more of the same for you, this is the status quo he's offering you, is it enough? Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Plus "I can't leave my kids". Oh,please. Do you know divorced parents? Have they left their kids? I am divorced, I did not leave my kids and neither did my ex-h, their father. We are their parents exactly as we were before. He says "I can't leave my kids" but he means "I don't want to leave my wife". Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 This is the part of your life you would never want to look back or step into it again, so keep it as short as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
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