I sabatoaged the best thing that ever happened to me.

[dream_avacado]

I don't even know why I'm writing this, or where to begin. I really ****ed up and betrayed him, /!: I don't deserve any less than this pain, anxiety, depression I'm living in right now.

 

It started a year and a half ago. I met him, he was everything to me from the moment my eyes met his. He made me feel something that I had never felt before, alive. He saw me, the true me, the one that believed she was worth something. Turns out, that wasn't me. I'm not worth anything, and I honestly need to get that through my mind.

 

He had a girlfriend, I was engaged, and I broke it off with my fiancé and the father of my kids because I couldn't not have this guy in my life. I knew it wasn't fair to anyone to have me running around living two lives, and decided that the guy I fell for was my twin flame and the person I needed to be with. Things with him were far too different to let go of, and this terrified me beyond anything I've ever felt but I still didn't want to walk away from him.

 

I tried a few times to walk away. I told my ex all the right things and told the love of my life it was over, more than once. I know, I should have learned my lesson right? I couldn't let go of that guy no matter how hard I tried. My ex and I made sense on paper, common interests, a family, we were supposed to get married .. but the guy I love would just look at me, and I would break .. because how could I hurt such a perfect man. We had far more in common, even thought the same about many things, the connection I had with him I just couldn't break it no matter what I told myself. "He's too good for you" "he deserves better" "you're a worthless piece of **** that doesn't deserve to be happy" "how could he ever truly love you" "you're nothing". The girl that got us together, started feeding bull**** into my mind that he was sleeping with other people, and there was no way he would ever leave his relationship to be with me, and it started to eat at me. That guy is perfect, and deserves all the best that life can offer him.

 

This past summer we weren't through a horrific experience, I was pregnant with his baby. At first, I was scared senseless, because of all the back and forth I played. Because of his history that was beyond his control. Because of reasons I would never tell a soul. But then as time went on, I joined him with his excitement and wanted that baby more than I had ever wanted anything in my whole life. There was one problem though, my body was rejecting him. We named him early, this wasn't the first baby I lost of his, we needed something to hang onto. That's when the doctors decided that for my health, and the wellness of our baby, I needed to terminate. My body was already miscarring and there was nothing I could do to stop it. That was the day that I died.

 

I didn't think that I could ever be with him again, after all I just had his baby murdered. And frankly, I didn't want to live. My ex took our kids for a couple of days, just thinking it was a routine surgery .. and in those days I contemplated how I would kill myself. Depression took over my life, and I didn't want to see another sunrise. He came back, held me and told me everything would be alright. Even though I knew I didn't deserve his love, I clung onto him like super glue. That's when I realized that I had been searching my entire life for this man, I need, want, desire him in ever sense of my life. And that scared the **** out of me even more.

 

I started listening more to my family, and told them more than I should have. I betrayed his confidence in me, and suddenly I started becoming extremely worried that I was in another abusive relationship. Little did I know the abuser was me. I drove that man insane, all he wanted was my eternal love. And I broke him, and us. I don't even know WHY I became my ex, without physically assaulting him. But he loved me enough to stick by my side through that dark time. Until the day our whole world spun out of control.

 

My ex found out about him, it was about time. He needed to know that the guy I was with was my everything. I was scared so I tried to deny it all. But then I gave up. He took my kids from me, and blamed my new boyfriend for his actions. In my vulnerability and soul sucking depression, I believed him. So I pushed him away not knowing what else to do. I ended up being assaulted by my ex and his mother, and the one person I needed the most, couldn't even be there because I had already hurt him. CPS decided that until they talked to him, he couldn't be around my kids (whom I got back because of the assault), and I didn't want to put them at risk. But I still did. I still took this guy into my arms every night, and hid him every morning .. then it happened. I told him he had to leave, so he broke up with me, we called it mutual, and said I would try with my ex. How could I ever have done that to him?! Instant regret #756.

 

I was shattered. I lost the man that I love. He started seeing someone new. I was lead to believe they were sleeping together, and although that killed me I sill wanted him back home. He kissed her, and he admitted to pantsing her and seeing her vagina, it hurt, but I deserved it, and I still wanted him home. I told him that I love him still to this day, and he said "I did love you, and I do like her". I broke. Completely! But I deserved that too. I had hurt this man so bad that I pushed him into the arms of someone new. I was so incredibly shattered that I fell apart completely. Couldn't sleep, didn't eat, ended up relapsing with two separate addictions. I ended up going to my ex's to get away from the street, I needed a distraction. I went to talk to him about our custody arrangement, ended up crying for a while, then we had the worst 2 minute sex of my guilt ridden life. I regretted that right away too. All of my karma came to kill me at once. And I was ripped apart, but that is again something I very well deserved. The only good that came out of that, he said that he would consider not taking the kids from me. But then I felt even worse!! I felt like a slut that would do anything to save her kids.

 

I tried too hard to forget about it. Wrong coping again. The love of my life came back to me, we had sex a couple times, talked lots and everything was alright. Then he caught me in my lies, and I was so ashamed that I didn't want to admit it. Not one little bit. He took off, went to the girl's house that he was seeing .. and again, just another stab that I deserved. I talked to her, and she was clearly very blunt. I don't blame her though, he is perfect, how could she not hate me for what I had done to him. He came back, and we talked for hours. I told him how sorry I was. My desperation and vulnerability came out and somehow he still managed to tell me that he loves me. The next thing I know, we're having sex. He was telling me the whole time how much he loved me, and I believed him. He stayed the rest of the night with me, holding me in his arms. I was so lucky when I got up for the day he was still there. I held him for a moment, kissed him, went to school. Came back home, and he held me close for the rest of our day. He woke up and he hated me again. And honestly I can't blame him.

 

I betrayed him, made him believe that I don't love him, hurt him so deeply. I deserve the pain he puts me through, and now I'm with her. He asked me to give him time, and time I'm willing to give. I know I'm going to be replaced, and I know I'm not going to live. I cannot blame him, this was my mistake, I wish I could take it all back .. but there is nothing I can do. I deserve whatever hell im going through. I sabatoage everything good in my life, because I'm not worthy, I'm far from good enough.

 

Please don't take this confessional as an act of self pity .. because that it isn't. I'm owning everything I've ever done to that man. I never deserved him. And I never should have hurt him the way I have. Now that this is all out, and although I am ashamed of myself, my conscious is now clear .. I can die without regret, and he won't shed a tear. How could I expect him to, after all that I've done. This is the end for me, and he will then be able to live on happily without worrying about me. Without me chasing him, because I can't let him go. I love him more than anything and everyone, and I destroyed that. I destroy everything I touch. And before I destroy anything else, I have decided it's time for me to go. Not tonight, maybe not even this week .. but it's coming close to the end. As my final act of love towards that man, my children, my family and friends; I have to put an end to their suffering much more than an end to my own. I deserve every ounce of this pain pulsating in my veins. I love you, way more than I have ever shown. Way more than you will ever know. I will love you long after I die.

[Lorenza]

I honestly think that self-bashing is not equal to owning up to your actions.

 

Owning up to your actions is when you can calmly think through what you did wrong and make a plan on either how to improve the situation or how to not repeat your mistakes in the future.

 

I know what it is to have a low self-esteem and do things that confident women would never allow happening, but what good comes with whipping yourself for your sins like that? Repeating how not good enough you are? Will the love of your life want to share his life with someone who hates herself so much?

 

Seems to me, that you are in a very fragile and unreasonable state of mind right now and in need of medical assistance!!

 

Just one thing before I go - how can you be so certain he is the love of your life if you had such a hard time leaving your ex for him? Why did you believe gossip and gave into manipulations? As I imagine it, true love doesn't doubt and play games. Maybe you're suffering from bipolar disorder? As that would explain the back-and-forth and anxiety.

[Buddhist]

After reading all of that I still have no idea who the love of your life is or even WTH happened. I think you need to take some deep breathes and calm down. Your life is full of drama, no doubt about that at all. Is it all self inflicted? Likely.

 

But I think what you need to ask yourself is this....

 

- Do you want your life to continue to be self inflicted drama?

- Do you want to respect yourself ever? Notice how I didn't say like or love yourself. But respect yourself, it's a very different thing. You don't have to like someone you respect but you sure as hell don't dick around someone you respect.

[Sweetfish]

You need to call the suicide hotline... like now

You need help

[Space Ritual]

I don't even know why I'm writing this, or where to begin. I really ****ed up and betrayed him, /!: I don't deserve any less than this pain, anxiety, depression I'm living in right now.

 

It started a year and a half ago. I met him, he was everything to me from the moment my eyes met his. He made me feel something that I had never felt before, alive. He saw me, the true me, the one that believed she was worth something. Turns out, that wasn't me. I'm not worth anything, and I honestly need to get that through my mind.

 

He had a girlfriend, I was engaged, and I broke it off with my fiancé and the father of my kids because I couldn't not have this guy in my life. I knew it wasn't fair to anyone to have me running around living two lives, and decided that the guy I fell for was my twin flame and the person I needed to be with. Things with him were far too different to let go of, and this terrified me beyond anything I've ever felt but I still didn't want to walk away from him.

 

I tried a few times to walk away. I told my ex all the right things and told the love of my life it was over, more than once. I know, I should have learned my lesson right? I couldn't let go of that guy no matter how hard I tried. My ex and I made sense on paper, common interests, a family, we were supposed to get married .. but the guy I love would just look at me, and I would break .. because how could I hurt such a perfect man. We had far more in common, even thought the same about many things, the connection I had with him I just couldn't break it no matter what I told myself. "He's too good for you" "he deserves better" "you're a worthless piece of **** that doesn't deserve to be happy" "how could he ever truly love you" "you're nothing". The girl that got us together, started feeding bull**** into my mind that he was sleeping with other people, and there was no way he would ever leave his relationship to be with me, and it started to eat at me. That guy is perfect, and deserves all the best that life can offer him.

 

This past summer we weren't through a horrific experience, I was pregnant with his baby. At first, I was scared senseless, because of all the back and forth I played. Because of his history that was beyond his control. Because of reasons I would never tell a soul. But then as time went on, I joined him with his excitement and wanted that baby more than I had ever wanted anything in my whole life. There was one problem though, my body was rejecting him. We named him early, this wasn't the first baby I lost of his, we needed something to hang onto. That's when the doctors decided that for my health, and the wellness of our baby, I needed to terminate. My body was already miscarring and there was nothing I could do to stop it. That was the day that I died.

 

I didn't think that I could ever be with him again, after all I just had his baby murdered. And frankly, I didn't want to live. My ex took our kids for a couple of days, just thinking it was a routine surgery .. and in those days I contemplated how I would kill myself. Depression took over my life, and I didn't want to see another sunrise. He came back, held me and told me everything would be alright. Even though I knew I didn't deserve his love, I clung onto him like super glue. That's when I realized that I had been searching my entire life for this man, I need, want, desire him in ever sense of my life. And that scared the **** out of me even more.

 

I started listening more to my family, and told them more than I should have. I betrayed his confidence in me, and suddenly I started becoming extremely worried that I was in another abusive relationship. Little did I know the abuser was me. I drove that man insane, all he wanted was my eternal love. And I broke him, and us. I don't even know WHY I became my ex, without physically assaulting him. But he loved me enough to stick by my side through that dark time. Until the day our whole world spun out of control.

 

My ex found out about him, it was about time. He needed to know that the guy I was with was my everything. I was scared so I tried to deny it all. But then I gave up. He took my kids from me, and blamed my new boyfriend for his actions. In my vulnerability and soul sucking depression, I believed him. So I pushed him away not knowing what else to do. I ended up being assaulted by my ex and his mother, and the one person I needed the most, couldn't even be there because I had already hurt him. CPS decided that until they talked to him, he couldn't be around my kids (whom I got back because of the assault), and I didn't want to put them at risk. But I still did. I still took this guy into my arms every night, and hid him every morning .. then it happened. I told him he had to leave, so he broke up with me, we called it mutual, and said I would try with my ex. How could I ever have done that to him?! Instant regret #756.

 

I was shattered. I lost the man that I love. He started seeing someone new. I was lead to believe they were sleeping together, and although that killed me I sill wanted him back home. He kissed her, and he admitted to pantsing her and seeing her vagina, it hurt, but I deserved it, and I still wanted him home. I told him that I love him still to this day, and he said "I did love you, and I do like her". I broke. Completely! But I deserved that too. I had hurt this man so bad that I pushed him into the arms of someone new. I was so incredibly shattered that I fell apart completely. Couldn't sleep, didn't eat, ended up relapsing with two separate addictions. I ended up going to my ex's to get away from the street, I needed a distraction. I went to talk to him about our custody arrangement, ended up crying for a while, then we had the worst 2 minute sex of my guilt ridden life. I regretted that right away too. All of my karma came to kill me at once. And I was ripped apart, but that is again something I very well deserved. The only good that came out of that, he said that he would consider not taking the kids from me. But then I felt even worse!! I felt like a slut that would do anything to save her kids.

 

I tried too hard to forget about it. Wrong coping again. The love of my life came back to me, we had sex a couple times, talked lots and everything was alright. Then he caught me in my lies, and I was so ashamed that I didn't want to admit it. Not one little bit. He took off, went to the girl's house that he was seeing .. and again, just another stab that I deserved. I talked to her, and she was clearly very blunt. I don't blame her though, he is perfect, how could she not hate me for what I had done to him. He came back, and we talked for hours. I told him how sorry I was. My desperation and vulnerability came out and somehow he still managed to tell me that he loves me. The next thing I know, we're having sex. He was telling me the whole time how much he loved me, and I believed him. He stayed the rest of the night with me, holding me in his arms. I was so lucky when I got up for the day he was still there. I held him for a moment, kissed him, went to school. Came back home, and he held me close for the rest of our day. He woke up and he hated me again. And honestly I can't blame him.

 

I betrayed him, made him believe that I don't love him, hurt him so deeply. I deserve the pain he puts me through, and now I'm with her. He asked me to give him time, and time I'm willing to give. I know I'm going to be replaced, and I know I'm not going to live. I cannot blame him, this was my mistake, I wish I could take it all back .. but there is nothing I can do. I deserve whatever hell im going through. I sabatoage everything good in my life, because I'm not worthy, I'm far from good enough.

 

Please don't take this confessional as an act of self pity .. because that it isn't. I'm owning everything I've ever done to that man. I never deserved him. And I never should have hurt him the way I have. Now that this is all out, and although I am ashamed of myself, my conscious is now clear .. I can die without regret, and he won't shed a tear. How could I expect him to, after all that I've done. This is the end for me, and he will then be able to live on happily without worrying about me. Without me chasing him, because I can't let him go. I love him more than anything and everyone, and I destroyed that. I destroy everything I touch. And before I destroy anything else, I have decided it's time for me to go. Not tonight, maybe not even this week .. but it's coming close to the end. As my final act of love towards that man, my children, my family and friends; I have to put an end to their suffering much more than an end to my own. I deserve every ounce of this pain pulsating in my veins. I love you, way more than I have ever shown. Way more than you will ever know. I will love you long after I die.

 

 

All those paragraphs just to tell anyone who read it that you don't take any true responsibility for your actions and you want everyone to feel sorry for you?

 

Surely you jest!

 

I stopped reading with objectivity about halfway through and skimmed rest because it was all too predictable. The only thing that was missing was "Lyin Eyes" by the Eagles playing in the background....

 

"So she tells him she must go out for the evening

To comfort an old friend who's feelin' down

But he knows where she's goin' as she's leavin'

She is headed for the cheatin' side of town"

 

 

LOL!

 

Ah the Classics never die....

[smackie9]

This how potent Dopamine is.......people call an obsession, infatuation. It's more addicting than Heroin. You end up wiping out your relationships, your life, your family....just for another hit to feel "alive!" until it all catches up to you, hurting your loved ones, in an emotional tailspin as you come crashing down off your high.

Edited November 23, 2016 by smackie9