Can a Woman be a Happy Other?

[msoptimistic]

I originally typed a very long post with pros and cons about my question, but decided to back up and keep it very simple. On Aug. 24, I discovered info that forced me to rethink my 4.5 year long A and should have brought about an absolute end and going into NC. Instead, after attempting to spend alot of time thinking outside the box, I have decided to explore the role of being the OW from a different point of view. If I decided that I did not want to give up this person completely then I would have to at least redefine "us". We are both M and both have marital issues that an A cannot help, only hurt. But we make it tolerable for each other. Not because we run into each other's arms every chance we get, but because we build each other up. I admit that I enjoy the attention of this drop dead gorgeous man. He makes me smile and feel good about myself. Lately we steer clear of too "personal" conversations and provide a happy escape for each other by talking a couple of times a day. Surprisingly, he is the one who has continued to bring up more personal subjects than me. He was never going to leave his W and if he did, did I really want all the bad with the good? I was obsessed but with the good qualities that he let me see and vice versa. I am in no way trying to morally justify this thought process, but I'm looking at alternatives to being completely out of each other's lives.

Has anyone ever known of a successful "other" who simply enjoyed a R with someone special without expecting more? And possibly, by being a happier person, improve other areas of their lives? I haven't committed to this thinking yet, just still exploring the possibilities.

[Midlifecrisis1]

What if your spouses found out? Are there kids involved in the equation?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I originally typed a very long post with pros and cons about my question, but decided to back up and keep it very simple. On Aug. 24, I discovered info that forced me to rethink my 4.5 year long A and should have brought about an absolute end and going into NC. Instead, after attempting to spend alot of time thinking outside the box, I have decided to explore the role of being the OW from a different point of view. If I decided that I did not want to give up this person completely then I would have to at least redefine "us". We are both M and both have marital issues that an A cannot help, only hurt. But we make it tolerable for each other. Not because we run into each other's arms every chance we get, but because we build each other up. I admit that I enjoy the attention of this drop dead gorgeous man. He makes me smile and feel good about myself. Lately we steer clear of too "personal" conversations and provide a happy escape for each other by talking a couple of times a day. Surprisingly, he is the one who has continued to bring up more personal subjects than me. He was never going to leave his W and if he did, did I really want all the bad with the good? I was obsessed but with the good qualities that he let me see and vice versa. I am in no way trying to morally justify this thought process, but I'm looking at alternatives to being completely out of each other's lives.

Has anyone ever known of a successful "other" who simply enjoyed a R with someone special without expecting more? And possibly, by being a happier person, improve other areas of their lives? I haven't committed to this thinking yet, just still exploring the possibilities.

 

This is probably one of my useless posts no one will read but you can actually have that without all the drama and betrayal - it's called a guy friend. I have two, each different in his own way. They each provide that emotional support and friendship you are talking about, plus it is just fun to have friends of the opposite sex, but without any issues. They have listened endlessly to me going on and on and on for over a year about xmm and provide a different perspective than my female friends do. In return, I provide them insight on women (they are both divorced/divorcing).

 

Besides the obvious, my marriage is not threatened, I can send epic emails or 25 texts in a row and I do not sit around and post on LS asking everyone's thoughts on why they didn't respond. So to answer your question, I do not think an affair can enrich your life. However - people can enrich your life. Why not make new friends - men and women? Branch out. Honestly sleeping with someone else's husband (because let's call it what it is hun), will do zero for you. It is a cancer.

 

And I know what I am talking about.

[Onlywhenitrains]

This is probably one of my useless posts no one will read but you can actually have that without all the drama and betrayal - it's called a guy friend. I have two, each different in his own way. They each provide that emotional support and friendship you are talking about, plus it is just fun to have friends of the opposite sex, but without any issues. They have listened endlessly to me going on and on and on for over a year about xmm and provide a different perspective than my female friends do. In return, I provide them insight on women (they are both divorced/divorcing).

 

Besides the obvious, my marriage is not threatened, I can send epic emails or 25 texts in a row and I do not sit around and post on LS asking everyone's thoughts on why they didn't respond. So to answer your question, I do not think an affair can enrich your life. However - people can enrich your life. Why not make new friends - men and women? Branch out. Honestly sleeping with someone else's husband (because let's call it what it is hun), will do zero for you. It is a cancer.

 

And I know what I am talking about.

 

THIS!!

 

Plain truth!

[jah526]

This is probably one of my useless posts no one will read but you can actually have that without all the drama and betrayal - it's called a guy friend.

 

Is it ever possible to redefine a previous A relationship as a friendship? Just wondering if anyone has managed to do that successfully.

[anika99]

I am very confused. Just the other day you started a thread stating you wanted to propose to your husband and renew your vows because you want to prove to your husband that you really love him and want to change. Now you are asking if you can be a happy other woman to a MM. I would recommend divorce and then you can pursue another (hopefully single) man.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Is it ever possible to redefine a previous A relationship as a friendship? Just wondering if anyone has managed to do that successfully.

 

There is a very slim chance. Leaving the obvious issue (you are married) aside, you would both have to have zero feelings for each other. This is pretty rare. Usually one wants something with the other. If one person is in love with other, is it no friendship, it is a recipe for pain cake.

 

And no, FWB is not a friend.

 

The thing is, when a guy is really a friend, you are not really attracted to him and you definitely don't have romantic feelings. Add enough alcohol and you could hook up with anyone, hence the slim chance above, but really - don't hit on your friends.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am very confused. Just the other day you started a thread stating you wanted to propose to your husband and renew your vows because you want to prove to your husband that you really love him and want to change. Now you are asking if you can be a happy other woman to a MM. I would recommend divorce and then you can pursue another (hopefully single) man.

 

Obviously she does not want to get divorced, that is why I presented the not so black and white solution. I was thinking of Blues Power, we are all not so black and white. Men are fun to know. Just don't sleep with them.

[BabyDont]

I am happy.

I do not want more I just want it to stay how it is. But I do get a fair amount of attention from him, and I still date.

I'm not married.

 

He told me we needed to end it only ones in last 5 years. He regrets doing that but it was good for me. I feel strong knowing I would make it through that fine. Everything hurts eventually in this kind of situation I have accepted it for what it is. It'll end one day. Maybe that will hurt but I'll be fine because I take care of myself first.

[AutumnMoon]

I'm happy.

We have never argued never complained that either wanted more. We have discussed it from every angle. I do not want more I just want things to stay as that are.

[malvern99]

Has anyone ever known of a successful "other" who simply enjoyed a R with someone special without expecting more? And possibly, by being a happier person, improve other areas of their lives? I haven't committed to this thinking yet, just still exploring the possibilities.

 

In order fully explore this idea, you need to define what "successful other" looks like to you. Would your husband be present in this scenario or would you have left him? Does success in your eyes focus on only your happiness and no one else's? Can you be a "happier person" carrying the guilt of knowing you are potentially destroying many innocent lives who have no say in how you behave? Most people can't handle that kind of betrayal.

 

If this AP makes you so happy, why not just leave your BH so you can pursue your AP to your heart's content? Why continue down this path putting other people at risk?

[msoptimistic]

I have been all over the map regarding this A and my M. In a perfect world, my M would be everything and there would never have been room for the MM. For a very long time I struggled with all or nothing where MM was concerned and tried to break away many times. When a decision was absolutely forced a few weeks back, my first inclination was to give him up completely, no matter how hard. But the though just came to me one day that I could not have him at all...or I could have him on some level if I could negotiate boundaries that we could both live with. Again, this story is still bwin written everyday. He may very well decide to walk and the choice will be out of my hands.

 

There are grown children involved and yes I have felt very guilty. One of the new limits would be that we continue the couple of conversations daily (mostly sexual flirty stuff), not so much personal stuff...the fun feel good stuff....taking away the stuff that connects you on a higher level. We flirt, we laugh, we joke bit we rarely meet...too dangerous and, again, causes attachments. For the short time we have been considering this, I have been calmer and more attentive to H. Children are grown and gone. Still considering it all though I will admir that if he left his W tomorrow, I'd be there in a heartbeat and that does bother me.

[malvern99]

Infidelity is like cancer. It requires major surgery to cut it out. You are talking about taking a couple of pain pills to dull the pain which might help in the short term, but it does nothing to address the cancer. The longer you ignore it, the more likely it is that it will destroy you.

 

There is no such thing as a perfect world. The world is what we make it, and the grass only grows green where we water it. Think of all the time and energy you have spent on this A. What has it given you in return? Sure, it makes you feel good in moments, but I would bet my bottom dollar it brings you more pain than joy. This may be a little bit too morbid, but I often use this exercise to help me set my priorities. I picture myself laying on my deathbed (hopefully many years from now ). What am I thinking about as I fade to black? Those things that I picture myself thinking about are the things I think to be the most important things in my life. Those are the things I focus on in my day to day life. My wife, my children, my family, my friends. That's what counts. I've never pictured myself thinking about people I dated before I was married, or women I was attracted to after I was married, because those people are only in our lives for a season, then like almost everything else, they are gone.

 

Children, grown or not, are always affected by infidelity. How do you think your children would react if they found out what you've been up to? They look up to you. They lionize you. Why let them down over something so worthless? If I am wrong about it being worthless, then why not leave your BH and pursue this new thing of value? Stop cake eating and make a decision.

 

You can talk of limits and boundaries till you're blue in the face. They clearly have a diluted meaning to you. Not to be mean or anything, but didn't you have limits before you started the affair? What good did those limits do then?

[gettingstronger]

I guess you can be happy if deceiving someone that trusts and cares for you doesn't matter. Only you can decide if that's what you are about. This includes not only your spouse but your children as well.

[freengreen]

This is probably one of my useless posts no one will read but you can actually have that without all the drama and betrayal - it's called a guy friend. I have two, each different in his own way. They each provide that emotional support and friendship you are talking about, plus it is just fun to have friends of the opposite sex, but without any issues. They have listened endlessly to me going on and on and on for over a year about xmm and provide a different perspective than my female friends do. In return, I provide them insight on women (they are both divorced/divorcing).

 

Besides the obvious, my marriage is not threatened, I can send epic emails or 25 texts in a row and I do not sit around and post on LS asking everyone's thoughts on why they didn't respond. So to answer your question, I do not think an affair can enrich your life. However - people can enrich your life. Why not make new friends - men and women? Branch out. Honestly sleeping with someone else's husband (because let's call it what it is hun), will do zero for you. It is a cancer.

 

And I know what I am talking about.

Midnight, you got it. That waiting for theirreturn attention is like waiting for a ship at the airport. They wont care less about any real emotional connection. I am starting to wonder that my EA was a hoax.

 

OP, I dont know why you want to settle for a consolation prize when you could aswell win the first prize. It might look rosy but take a step back and see, it gives a perspective ( that you dont want to see). Affairs are blunders all most all the times.

 

Good luck

[msoptimistic]

Well, I admit to avoiding these boards for a long time because I knew my train of thought was skewed by being blindsided a few weeks ago. I do recognize that an A is wrong on all levels and that I am grasping at straws to keep a person in my life who, had he truly wanted to be in my life, would have taken action years ago to make it hapoen. If I could relate one lesson learned from my experience thus far, it would be to advise any OW to find your self respect and willpower and walk away on your own terms vs allowing circumstances to dictate your departure and there is no good or graceful way to exit.

 

Uts Thanksgiving Day and he is being thankful with her. That alone says alot for OW everywhere. Any thankfulness he has for us is thankful he has duoed us into an illucit A and he knows we won't reveal his dirty little secret but will continue to feed his ego and be available at his convenience.

 

Still thinking a bit and appreciate all the points of view. I just know this is a permanent, life changing decision that is going to leave a big hole in my world. Never ever even hearing his voice again.WOW...that is tough!

[Forever broken]

Well, I admit to avoiding these boards for a long time because I knew my train of thought was skewed by being blindsided a few weeks ago. I do recognize that an A is wrong on all levels and that I am grasping at straws to keep a person in my life who, had he truly wanted to be in my life, would have taken action years ago to make it hapoen. If I could relate one lesson learned from my experience thus far, it would be to advise any OW to find your self respect and willpower and walk away on your own terms vs allowing circumstances to dictate your departure and there is no good or graceful way to exit.

 

Uts Thanksgiving Day and he is being thankful with her. That alone says alot for OW everywhere. Any thankfulness he has for us is thankful he has duoed us into an illucit A and he knows we won't reveal his dirty little secret but will continue to feed his ego and be available at his convenience.

 

Still thinking a bit and appreciate all the points of view. I just know this is a permanent, life changing decision that is going to leave a big hole in my world. Never ever even hearing his voice again.WOW...that is tough!

 

Powerful post. It is thanksgiving and he is where he belongs his wife and family. While the other woman stays with her family and awaits for a call that might or might not happen. I hope someday, some people will have the courage to leave their affair.

[AutumnMoon]

He might physically be with her on Thanksgiving , on the other day so he's unable to be with you .. But Im married to and just because I'm physically with my husband on this holiday or another doesn't mean I'm not thinking of my OM, and fully aware he has me on his mind.

[Got it]

OP - you are both married so on even playing field there. You are with your husband just like he is with his wife. Doesn't mean happy or unhappy either.

 

In regards to a happy OP, or HOW, sure, I know of a few. The affair is the icing on the cake, they understand the perimeters around it, enjoy it, and are waiting for anything to change. Those are HOWs.

 

Whether you can be one is really up to you and your emotions tied to it. I do question you saying if he left you would be there in a heartbeat. You divorcing should be solely on your marriage and the reasons for ending it and a soft spot to land should not factor in. Your marriage needs to end by it's own merits or don't end it. If you ended it for someone else, not because you were truly ready to end it, that puts a huge burden on that person. You need to leave for you. Not for someone else.

[msoptimistic]

I have thought about this alot today and I don't think I can do it. In some strange, weird sense, the pain is almost mixed with relief. Not speaking for any other woman but I think trying to convince myself that I could be a happy OW was just masking still trying to hold onto hope. The pain will eventually subside and the anxiousness from wondering if I will talk to him and how the conversation will go if I do will no longer be a burden.

My children are grown and instead of that being an excuse to dismiss how this would affect them, it should be an even greater reason to strive to not set a bad example for them. I have alot of bridges to mend while working to mend a heart broken into a bazillion pieces. So, today on Thanksgiving, I am grateful that I have an opportunity to start over before I lost everything on someone who would have done the exact same thing to me that I have been doing to his BW,

I am actually on a short trip with BH and kids and this is the most difficult thing I have ever attempted. I am trying so so hard to not cry while in very close quarters. But even the realization that I never really had any other options and that I have made a fool of myself and lost a ton of self respect and have made recovery even harder for myself by holding on so long doesnt make it any easier. I am no longer looking for excuses to keep him in my life. He simply doesnt and never did belong there. Lord, just please help me through this without losing my mind.

And if you are an OW who is wrestling with all this in your mind, and if you are spending Thanksgiving with one person and thinking about another, we are torturing ourselves for someone who doesnt deserve our loyalty. If anyone would like to take this step and make this journey with me, let me know. I need someone who understands and doesnt mind crying on each other's shoulder! We are so isolated in these As and that may be one thing that keeps us tied to these MM. We dont have a close enough support system to stop us from making mistakes and backsliding. Anyone ready to join me?

[malvern99]

Uts Thanksgiving Day and he is being thankful with her. That alone says alot for OW everywhere. Any thankfulness he has for us is thankful he has duoed us into an illucit A and he knows we won't reveal his dirty little secret but will continue to feed his ego and be available at his convenience.

 

Still thinking a bit and appreciate all the points of view. I just know this is a permanent, life changing decision that is going to leave a big hole in my world. Never ever even hearing his voice again.WOW...that is tough!

 

Therein lies the reality of infidelity. The quote encapsulates just how insidious it is and how it infects everything and everyone it affects. Instead of living in the moment enjoying Thanksgiving with family, the only people whose love is free of charge, OP is consumed with thoughts about someone else. If it weren't so tragic, the ridiculousness of it all would be funny. These are moments in time you'll never get back, and for what? Can ego kibbles be so important to you that they leave you thinking about someone else while your family celebrates Thanksgiving around you?

[Deidre]

No. You'd have to redefine happiness and that would require justifying lying, and cheating in order to do so. Happiness should flow, and it will never come from doing something wrong. No matter how you spin it in your head, or change the view, infidelity always leaves a person empty. Maybe not at first, but eventually.

[msoptimistic]

You all are correct. The A consumes and robs you of so much. The little things you miss in the real world when you are living in a whole other world in your mind can never be gotten back. Planning your life around phone calls is no way to live. Now, having said that, I loved him. I won't speak for him, but I did love deeply. The hardest part for me at this very moment is something I would think every OW deals with....I am pissed at the entire world that she has everything I want (or at least thought I wanted)! She has no idea what a slippery slope she's building her life on, but that doesn't help me feel better. Its not that I'm wishing bad things on her. She is probably very innocent and doing the best she can and I'm the one intruding in her workd. How do I deal with this resentment of her?

[ladydesigner]

No. You'd have to redefine happiness and that would require justifying lying, and cheating in order to do so. Happiness should flow, and it will never come from doing something wrong. No matter how you spin it in your head, or change the view, infidelity always leaves a person empty. Maybe not at first, but eventually.

 

Quoted for truth! Infidelity has destroyed my M (both my stbxwh and I had A's). We were never able to put the pieces back together again.

[ladydesigner]

You all are correct. The A consumes and robs you of so much. The little things you miss in the real world when you are living in a whole other world in your mind can never be gotten back. Planning your life around phone calls is no way to live. Now, having said that, I loved him. I won't speak for him, but I did love deeply. The hardest part for me at this very moment is something I would think every OW deals with....I am pissed at the entire world that she has everything I want (or at least thought I wanted)! She has no idea what a slippery slope she's building her life on, but that doesn't help me feel better. Its not that I'm wishing bad things on her. She is probably very innocent and doing the best she can and I'm the one intruding in her workd. How do I deal with this resentment of her?

 

Maybe if you can look at it from her not knowing WHO she is really married to. Her M is a lie that is not something to be envious of.