Can a Woman be a Happy Other?

[freengreen]

I am working it as i type to you " I am better than this, I will fix whatever led to it and keep all the people who love me with their hearts ( not with their ..). I am going to be my old fab self, watch me"

Edited November 28, 2016 by freengreen

[malvern99]

I would love some help with an escape plan. Waking up in the morning and remembering whats going on is going to be the hardest for me. Since yesterday I have just kept telling myself to hold on, give my mind time to start thinking about other things, give my heart time to heal and just imagine how beautiful it is going to be on the other side where peace exists. That is the only thing I know to hold onto at this moment.

 

And what I actually meant about the blocking was that I have blocked all the known ways that he has used before. He has however, purchased a burner phone, used a work and then an old email before for contact. There may be avenues that I dont know of till they happen and I will block those as they occur.

 

What are some active tools to use to move forward? It seems that for so long my mind has always drifted to him and I want that to stop ASAP.

 

If you really want to move forward from this, you know exactly the steps you have to take. You've been doing this for 4+ years so you're not exactly new to this rodeo. Look back at all the times you've tried to end this over the years, and if you're honest with yourself you'll realize that it never worked for one simple reason. You had no one to be accountable to. That lack of accountability allowed you to continue to act selfishly without having to face the consequences, and as a result, the A kept rolling on. This attempt to end the A will end in the exact same way if you try to end it in the same way. You can't expect to do the same thing over and over again and get different results.

 

So, the first thing to do is stop with the lies (even those by omission). Sit your BH down and tell him the truth. Tell it all and tell it true from beginning to end. It will very be hard to do but it is a necessary step to move forward. Don't worry about saving you marriage right now because frankly, that won't be your choice to make. Give up your desire to control the outcome and allow your BH to make the best decision for his life with all the relevant information. Don't hide behind the "I don't want to hurt my husband" so I won't tell him trope because that is just a cop out. Your choice not to tell him would only be a continuation of your selfish behavior, because if you make that decision, you are only making it to protect yourself from the consequences of your actions.

 

Got to run. Will finish later.

[freengreen]

and yeah.. when you hear a love song and you start thinking about MM, try replacing with your H, the songs have been making enormous sense to me that way. Nifty.

[msoptimistic]

I am settling in for the long haul. 4+ years will obviously not go away in a few days or weeks but hopefully will begin to fade in a few months. I have a very close friend who lost his wife tragically in June and he told me just last week that the days are getting better. I thought to myself, how can I place so much importance on a man who doesnt even rank me in his top 10. I am trying very hard to see him fot exactly what he really is and how unlucky his BW is instead of being the luckiest woman in the world which is what that lovely A fog leads you to believe. He is a smooth talking player and that aint gonna stop.

And I believe it is true that the harder you try to not think about something, the more it invades your thoughts. I am trying really very hard to keep looking at what the future can look like and each time I get in a funk, I think OK, this is as bad as it can get and you are now beginning to get better. I promise you I will take every baby step accomplished like winning the lottery!

I have started trying to communicate with H more...even just simple texts during the day. And I remind myself that the MM has just as many if not more and worse annoying habits; I just have never seen them. H knows that something has been going on for a long time. I have offered him an easy path out so many times its not funny. I'll figure out the best time and the best way to tell him and we'll figure it out.

I keep feeling like I've lost an arm or a leg. Something that is vital to my everyday functioning and I'm floundering around trying to live without it. Its weird and it hurts and its depressing but uts a step in the right adult direction.

[BluesPower]

You just have to stay strong...

 

I realize that this just hurts so much.

 

You are doing the right thing. You have a long road ahead and frankly there is not easy way out.

 

You are really starting to think about things in the correct way, as hard as that is. And yes, your husband already suspects that you are having an affair. That is the next thing to deal with, but you have to get better with this part first.

 

It is so easy to say stay strong and so hard to be but it is the only way.

 

I get tired of saying that to myself but I keep doing it, because I have a ton of stuff to work though.

 

You will be ok in time. Just hang in there...

[msoptimistic]

I have been working on NC for the past few weeks and I gotta tell you that no amount of warning about how difficult it is even begins to describe the pain on the bad days. And today is definitely my worst day yet. I woke up with him on my mind and even tried to call him. He didn't answer. I have caved probably 3-4x over the past few weeks but I pick myself up and move on. I tell myself that the "affair fog" will left. And that many other strong women (like Poppy) have succeeded and gone on to not only leave the fog but find some peace and that I can too.

I told my H as much as he wanted to hear about the A. He admitted that he would be hitting the road if it weren't for the fact that he knew he had checked out of the M and he actually felt some responsibility himself. I try to focus on renewing the M but the MM just keeps popping into my thoughts. Don't get me completely wrong here. I have made some good progress too. I do see him as a lying cheat on his pregnant wife. I have had a really hard time dealing with her "winning", but I know that all she has won is more trouble and adding a baby to the picture. I still fight the urge to tell her everything since the only thing that truthfully kept me from telling her before was fear that it would backfire and he would cut me off completely.

I am so sad that it didn't bother me at all to have an almost 5 year relationship with a MM. Why didn't it bother me. Where was my guilty conscience because truthfully, the cold hard fact is that yiu have to say you feel guilty but in reality, if I really felt guilty I would have walked away. I loved that man, heart and soul. At least I loved the man I made him out to be in my mind. But he never loved me. I so badly wanted to think I was different. I felt so sorry for the ladies who posted here that were begging for attention from men who obviously didnt love them or they wouldnt stand by watch the lady they loved suffer like this. And guess what? I was justifying every time I cried, every time he couldnt answer the phone, every time he broke a time to meet by saying he loved me and he was doing the best he could. And I/we were different.

There are threads going here (and I read them everyday) about being his #1 or being happy being the OW or surviving holidays as a secondary but the answers are simple. No, in all likelihood, you will never be his #1. No, being a happy OW might serve as a temporary excuse to be in an A but if you love your MM, you cant be happy being second string to his real family. And holidays? Or your birthday? They will always suck because celebrations will be in secrecy and you will always have thoughts in your mind about him happily celebrating without you.

Thoughts of the MM I was involved with being intimate with his wife, becoming a father again at 57, taking his grandkids to vacation in FL....all these things torture my mind. Pure torture. And on these bad days, I wonder what more I could have done but knowing thats a rhetorical question with no answer. Because I never could have done enough.

So, it is just one of those bumpy days on the road of NC. My H and I are taking a short road trip tomorrow and I will work my *** off to leave MM behind and focus on moving on.

I appreciate the opportunity to vent. Not all days are like this and this too shall pass. NC may be the only viable path to breaking free, but it sure feels like its gonna break me as a woman first!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have been working on NC for the past few weeks and I gotta tell you that no amount of warning about how difficult it is even begins to describe the pain on the bad days. And today is definitely my worst day yet. I woke up with him on my mind and even tried to call him. He didn't answer. I have caved probably 3-4x over the past few weeks but I pick myself up and move on. I tell myself that the "affair fog" will left. And that many other strong women (like Poppy) have succeeded and gone on to not only leave the fog but find some peace and that I can too.

I told my H as much as he wanted to hear about the A. He admitted that he would be hitting the road if it weren't for the fact that he knew he had checked out of the M and he actually felt some responsibility himself. I try to focus on renewing the M but the MM just keeps popping into my thoughts. Don't get me completely wrong here. I have made some good progress too. I do see him as a lying cheat on his pregnant wife. I have had a really hard time dealing with her "winning", but I know that all she has won is more trouble and adding a baby to the picture. I still fight the urge to tell her everything since the only thing that truthfully kept me from telling her before was fear that it would backfire and he would cut me off completely.

I am so sad that it didn't bother me at all to have an almost 5 year relationship with a MM. Why didn't it bother me. Where was my guilty conscience because truthfully, the cold hard fact is that yiu have to say you feel guilty but in reality, if I really felt guilty I would have walked away. I loved that man, heart and soul. At least I loved the man I made him out to be in my mind. But he never loved me. I so badly wanted to think I was different. I felt so sorry for the ladies who posted here that were begging for attention from men who obviously didnt love them or they wouldnt stand by watch the lady they loved suffer like this. And guess what? I was justifying every time I cried, every time he couldnt answer the phone, every time he broke a time to meet by saying he loved me and he was doing the best he could. And I/we were different.

There are threads going here (and I read them everyday) about being his #1 or being happy being the OW or surviving holidays as a secondary but the answers are simple. No, in all likelihood, you will never be his #1. No, being a happy OW might serve as a temporary excuse to be in an A but if you love your MM, you cant be happy being second string to his real family. And holidays? Or your birthday? They will always suck because celebrations will be in secrecy and you will always have thoughts in your mind about him happily celebrating without you.

Thoughts of the MM I was involved with being intimate with his wife, becoming a father again at 57, taking his grandkids to vacation in FL....all these things torture my mind. Pure torture. And on these bad days, I wonder what more I could have done but knowing thats a rhetorical question with no answer. Because I never could have done enough.

So, it is just one of those bumpy days on the road of NC. My H and I are taking a short road trip tomorrow and I will work my *** off to leave MM behind and focus on moving on.

I appreciate the opportunity to vent. Not all days are like this and this too shall pass. NC may be the only viable path to breaking free, but it sure feels like its gonna break me as a woman first!

 

It takes time and it's not a linear path. It curves around on itself at times and you feel back where you began. Five years is a really long time. It will take you a while to get over him and it will be harder than a normal breakup because you are married. How do you feel about your husband? Is he the one you want to be with? Do you love him?

 

The guilt will come, don't worry. It will take about 9-12 months after it's over.

 

There is no magic pill or advice, you are doing the right things (except obviously calling him but you know that). I assume his wife does not know? How old is she?

 

The other thing I would suggest is you need to replace xmm with something in your life. Obviously not another man but you need to fill that space with something that drives you. Ideally this would involve your husband. Your mind is a computer and you need to get a new program running, focus your attention on something new. For me we started a business together. Some people train for an athletic event or maybe travel. You need to majorly shake it up. Distract yourself.

[FortyandForlorn]

I don't have much to say except we're here for you. I'm learning that I need to post more, especially when I'm having bad days. I'm terrified of feeling those emotions again, but also terrified that I'm not fully ready to move on. Last week I had a full on panic attack - afraid that OM break NC and stop by my office and talk to me. And he did. But we're back to NC and that feels good, though I need to get him out of my head.

 

5 years is a long time. Take it one day at a time.

[DKT3]

So what's the difference between mm and you =you and husband? He kept you in a position to hurt you're doing the same to husband.

 

Point is, compassion and empathy, think of your pains and struggles of decisions you've made, now look at your husband....Same pain and struggles again by your decisions. If that isn't enough motivation then maybe compassion and empathy would have you walk away. The longer you allow MM to consume you the more you prolong husbands pain.

 

Good luck to you

[jennifernyc84]

You sound sooo much like me. I know those bad days all too well. But they do pass. The only thing calling him would do, is prolong that pain.

 

NC hurts, no doubt. But if you let the pain flow, you become immuned to it. Then it won't hurt anymore. Stop looking for quick fixes and look at the big picture.

 

You have a husband and kids I suppose. You have something that fills that void for you. Imagine not having anything or anyone. That is what I deal with. My parents and siblings live 2 1/2 hours away so I don't even have them. You're lucky. Don't call. I mean, don't kill yourself if you do, but you'll only be setting yourself all the way back.

 

I thought there would not be life after my MM. I honestly felt sick without him. Now it makes me sick to think I was so desperate for a man only giving me spare time. Do I still have weak moments? Omg yes! But I am no longer afraid of that pain.

 

The other day, MM sent roses and tickets to a broadway show to my door, with a card saying for me to call him. You better believe I called him, and told him I would NOT attend and that it would take a WHOLE lot more then some roses and play tickets to win me over. What was I, a h00ker? Then I hung up, and cried..and got drunk..and cried some more. But you know what? After all that crying, I didn't feel like crying anymore. Thinking of him didn't sting as much. And today, it doesn't at all.

 

I'm sure I'll have some bad days to pass through again myself. But I'm not afraid. We've got each other's backs here at LS.

 

Not to sound like a cheesy weight loss program commercial but, if I could do it, you can do it!!!

 

Good luck and all the best!

 

-Jen

[jennifernyc84]

Oh and the A lasted 4 years on and off. If it didn't change in that time, I don't think another 4 years would change it either. And let's face it, I'm not getting any younger.

[whichwayisup]

Did you tell your husband that you called him and your exMM didn't pick up your call? Time to be honest with your husband, tell him what you're feeling and how hard it is for you to let go of exMM. That it seems you're still in love with him and want him, miss him...

 

Maybe you and your husband need to separate so you can figure out who it is you truly love. Maybe you're better off alone and being on your own because staying with your husband and still pining this much over your exMM, even calling him knowing full well he's moved on and wants nothing to do with you, you still don't get it.

 

Yes, it's great your husband has taken some accountability for the state of the marriage and understands why you reached out to another man, he's a kind guy and has a big heart but as soon as your A ended, you are responsible for the rest, NOT your husband. How you've handled this (did you seek counseling on your own to help you let go and grieve exMM?) and gone behind your husband's back still contacting exMM is not fair to him (your husband) since he is giving you chance after chance to reconnect and love him again. Being on your own will make you wake up and see what really is important.

[CommittedToThis]

OP is robbing her H of the ability to make informed decisions; because she is being deceitful, H doesn't have all the facts at hand. He's being denied the ability to make good decisions because OP chooses to withhold the truth.

 

To me, that's just shameful. To treat someone that way, mislead them, rather than just own up.

[freengreen]

I have bad days too...but that is how weaning off a drug feels. In the end , its good.

[MidnightBlue1980]

OP is robbing her H of the ability to make informed decisions; because she is being deceitful, H doesn't have all the facts at hand. He's being denied the ability to make good decisions because OP chooses to withhold the truth.

 

To me, that's just shameful. To treat someone that way, mislead them, rather than just own up.

 

How is she being deceitful? Her H knows about the affair and she has told him everything he wants to know. He is choosing to stay just as every BS we talk about here chooses to stay.

[msoptimistic]

I could have sworn I replied but apparently I did something wrong! My H and I have both been previously married 1x each. His first M ended because he had an A. We talked about it before we married but he has always said he was amazed at how easily it happened. He knew MM and I were talking long after there was no longer any legitimate reason for us to talk. H encouraged the texting and was fine with it till he realized I was getting in deep. Then he wanted to pull the plug but I was in too deep and went underground. I have told him that we continued to communicate and he wasnt surprised. He asked some questions that I answered then said he felt he should shoulder some of the responsibility and wasnt going anywhere. He acknowledged that he had felt that addiction at one time and the guilt from it was what has kept him from straying again. He also admitted to encouraging the R in the beginning because he thought the MM was -in his words- a goober head and nothing would come of it.

 

MM is 56; his W is 28. She is pregnant which must have occurred through immaculate conception since they never had sex!! I really feel bad for her. Talk about being taken advantage of, she has really been manipulated. When I let myself think about it, thats when I get the urge to tell her but I dont believe she would believe me.

[whichwayisup]

I could have sworn I replied but apparently I did something wrong! My H and I have both been previously married 1x each. His first M ended because he had an A. We talked about it before we married but he has always said he was amazed at how easily it happened. He knew MM and I were talking long after there was no longer any legitimate reason for us to talk. H encouraged the texting and was fine with it till he realized I was getting in deep. Then he wanted to pull the plug but I was in too deep and went underground. I have told him that we continued to communicate and he wasnt surprised. He asked some questions that I answered then said he felt he should shoulder some of the responsibility and wasnt going anywhere. He acknowledged that he had felt that addiction at one time and the guilt from it was what has kept him from straying again. He also admitted to encouraging the R in the beginning because he thought the MM was -in his words- a goober head and nothing would come of it.

 

MM is 56; his W is 28. She is pregnant which must have occurred through immaculate conception since they never had sex!! I really feel bad for her. Talk about being taken advantage of, she has really been manipulated. When I let myself think about it, thats when I get the urge to tell her but I dont believe she would believe me.

 

You never answered my question. Does your husband know that you've been trying to contact exMM? My guess is no. If he did, he'd be upset and disappointed since you've told him the A is over and you're in NC mode. Tell him, it may be the only way to set yourself free and actually deal with more consequences that will make you want to change and fight hard to focus less on exMM and more on healing and reconnecting with your husband.

 

Bolded. You believe what you want. Doubtful they had a crappy sex life. He just told you otherwise and you ate it up. If their marriage was that bad neither of them would be trying to get pregnant and have a baby. He manipulated her the way he manipulated you, yet you can't let go of him. You're not his wife, she is.

[ladydesigner]

I could have sworn I replied but apparently I did something wrong! My H and I have both been previously married 1x each. His first M ended because he had an A. We talked about it before we married but he has always said he was amazed at how easily it happened. He knew MM and I were talking long after there was no longer any legitimate reason for us to talk. H encouraged the texting and was fine with it till he realized I was getting in deep. Then he wanted to pull the plug but I was in too deep and went underground. I have told him that we continued to communicate and he wasnt surprised. He asked some questions that I answered then said he felt he should shoulder some of the responsibility and wasnt going anywhere. He acknowledged that he had felt that addiction at one time and the guilt from it was what has kept him from straying again. He also admitted to encouraging the R in the beginning because he thought the MM was -in his words- a goober head and nothing would come of it.

 

MM is 56; his W is 28. She is pregnant which must have occurred through immaculate conception since they never had sex!! I really feel bad for her. Talk about being taken advantage of, she has really been manipulated. When I let myself think about it, thats when I get the urge to tell her but I dont believe she would believe me.

 

I don't believe that for a second. My stbxwh slept with me the entire 3 year A. MOW thought the same thing, that we never had sex. It was the excuse he gave her to get into the A and the same excuse she gave herself to have an A with my H. And I'm not talking sex once a month, I am talking sex multiple times a week. A MM is a liar by definition why would an OW believe this?! Why?

[msoptimistic]

Whoa...the immaculate conception remark was me being cynical that I ever even remotely believed him. I am absolutely certain they were quite active! I fell for it for a long time but I did come to my senses.

 

Yes I told H today that I had tried to call and that he did not answer and that if he had answered, I have no clue how far I would have taken it in the mood I was in. That was a big old bump on a very rocky road of NC. I have no doubt there will be more and told H this also. Not such a bad day today. I know to listen to my head and give my heart time to process so he is not on my mind so much.

 

I just chose to vent here cause it kept me from making a bigger fool of myself and trying to call him again. Not so very long ago I would have tried till he answered and justified it in my mind.

 

My progress may be slow but i am trying!

[malvern99]

I told my H as much as he wanted to hear about the A. He admitted that he would be hitting the road if it weren't for the fact that he knew he had checked out of the M and he actually felt some responsibility himself. I try to focus on renewing the M but the MM just keeps popping into my thoughts.

 

It looks like you are making progress OP, and that is a good thing. The only piece of advise I'd add is to point out the two bold sentences above. In my eyes, those two things are dependent on each other. If you accept that your BH shares some responsibility in your A, it stops you from owning your choices. If you don't 100% own your choices (as you seem to agree some of the responsibility for those choices is your BH's), then you can't really do the work necessary to find your whys. If you can't identify your whys, then reinvesting yourself in your marriage becomes near impossible because the A will always be lurking somewhere inside of you, and that means you will stay stuck. That reasoning may seem convoluted, but I've seen it play out before. The key to full recovery is embracing the truth warts and all because without it, you are just groping around in the dark. Part of the truth is that your choice to have an A had nothing to do with what your BH did or did not do. You made that choice alone. Look at this way... your BH says he'd checked out of the marriage. That being the case, did that give him license to have an A, or did he choose a different path?

 

Falling off the wagon happens. What happens when you hit the ground is what is important. Do you dust yourself off, hold yourself accountable to those you are hurting then get back on the wagon, or do you decide "what they don't know won't hurt them"? The choice is yours, but I'll guarantee you one thing. Your A will end only when you want it to end. No one can make you end it. The fire must come from within. For many people though, the desire to end it comes too late in the game, and they end up burning down everything they hold dear. I really hope you do not fall into that category. Consider yourself fortunate that your BS is willing to give you chances. Many are not that fortunate. Do not waste these chances for something that is not real. Good luck.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't believe that for a second. My stbxwh slept with me the entire 3 year A. MOW thought the same thing, that we never had sex. It was the excuse he gave her to get into the A and the same excuse she gave herself to have an A with my H. And I'm not talking sex once a month, I am talking sex multiple times a week. A MM is a liar by definition why would an OW believe this?! Why?

 

I'll try to answer this as it is the 10 million dollar question and one of the main reasons I also got into my affair. Later he used the same lines to try and real me back in.

 

I see it as this - while a woman may distort the truth to her friends (we just kissed and so on) or her husband (the sex was bad, I didn't enjoy it), when we lie it is to self protect and not lose what we already have. We wish to avoid any unpleasantness and probably, we are not proud of what we did, and just wish it would (poof) go away and it all just never happened.

 

So we are not used to men who would lie and distort the truth to manipulate and gain something which is not rightfully theirs from another other person. In order words, we can't see what we don't understand. We would not lie about not having sex in order to get a man interested in us because honestly, men don't really care, it really would not even occur to most of us to lie about it. So when a man looks us in the face and says they are just roommates, we do believe them. It's like, who would lie about that? It's a bad thing. Who would create a bad thing for the sole purpose of deception?

 

They look you right in the eyes, they are excellent liars. It's scary.

 

And I've had it on the the other side too. When my H was all involved with his xow, I had looked at phone bill online and saw he had talked to her that day, and I asked him, did you talk to her? He looked me dead in the eyes and said no. That's a scary moment, you realize you can never really know if someone is lying to you or not.

 

I have serious trust issues. I don't trust anyone.

[malvern99]

I see it as this - while a woman may distort the truth to her friends (we just kissed and so on) or her husband (the sex was bad, I didn't enjoy it), when we lie it is to self protect and not lose what we already have. We wish to avoid any unpleasantness and probably, we are not proud of what we did, and just wish it would (poof) go away and it all just never happened.

 

Those just look like 2 sides of the same coin. All lies are designed to manipulate and self protect to some degree. It is their nature.

 

One thing I've always wondered though is why some women tend to fall for the "my wife and I are just room mates" line. Do they end up sleeping with the guy out of pity, or is it something they use to justify sleeping with a married person? At what point do they recognize that this is a lie?

[DKT3]

I'll try to answer this as it is the 10 million dollar question and one of the main reasons I also got into my affair. Later he used the same lines to try and real me back in.

 

I see it as this - while a woman may distort the truth to her friends (we just kissed and so on) or her husband (the sex was bad, I didn't enjoy it), when we lie it is to self protect and not lose what we already have. We wish to avoid any unpleasantness and probably, we are not proud of what we did, and just wish it would (poof) go away and it all just never happened.

 

So we are not used to men who would lie and distort the truth to manipulate and gain something which is not rightfully theirs from another other person. In order words, we can't see what we don't understand. We would not lie about not having sex in order to get a man interested in us because honestly, men don't really care, it really would not even occur to most of us to lie about it. So when a man looks us in the face and says they are just roommates, we do believe them. It's like, who would lie about that? It's a bad thing. Who would create a bad thing for the sole purpose of deception?

 

They look you right in the eyes, they are excellent liars. It's scary.

 

And I've had it on the the other side too. When my H was all involved with his xow, I had looked at phone bill online and saw he had talked to her that day, and I asked him, did you talk to her? He looked me dead in the eyes and said no. That's a scary moment, you realize you can never really know if someone is lying to you or not.

 

I have serious trust issues. I don't trust anyone.

It's not hard to lie to those who want to believe.....Sexless marriage is defined by 10 or fewer encounters per year, by definition fewer then 10% of marriages are "sexless" yet it seems that 90% of the women here have come across those men. Either the same men are having thousands of affairs each or these women are not using common sense...IE believing what they want to and not what experience, common sense and other circumstances surrounding the situation that is flashing red lights on.

 

I've said this many times, how appealing would a Married man be if he said "hey my wife is awesome, the sex is amazing, only wish we had it three times a week instead of twice. I love my life, my marriage is good, I'm never planning to leave....But I would like to have some extra on the side. I would like to have a beautiful woman put Everyone on the back burner and pursue me like a love stuck teenager, give in to my every whim, place me on a pedestal" doubtful many women, let alone married ones would go for that. So these guys hang around, look for angles to attack then lie thier azzes of to get in your pants.

 

Men have been doing it since jr high school, some perfect the technical aspects of telling a woman what she wants to hear, once that happens he just kicks back and allows her to fill the blanks, only stepping in to do damage control once in a while.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's not hard to lie to those who want to believe.....Sexless marriage is defined by 10 or fewer encounters per year, by definition fewer then 10% of marriages are "sexless" yet it seems that 90% of the women here have come across those men. Either the same men are having thousands of affairs each or these women are not using common sense...IE believing what they want to and not what experience, common sense and other circumstances surrounding the situation that is flashing red lights on.

 

I've said this many times, how appealing would a Married man be if he said "hey my wife is awesome, the sex is amazing, only wish we had it three times a week instead of twice. I love my life, my marriage is good, I'm never planning to leave....But I would like to have some extra on the side. I would like to have a beautiful woman put Everyone on the back burner and pursue me like a love stuck teenager, give in to my every whim, place me on a pedestal" doubtful many women, let alone married ones would go for that. So these guys hang around, look for angles to attack then lie thier azzes of to get in your pants.

 

Men have been doing it since jr high school, some perfect the technical aspects of telling a woman what she wants to hear, once that happens he just kicks back and allows her to fill the blanks, only stepping in to do damage control once in a while.

 

No, it's true. My H said he told the OW the truth, she asked if we had sex and he said yes and that he loved me but he was having a rough time in our marriage and just liked her. Supposedly she did not do more than kiss. I don't know. I sort of believe it since I know about her from a 3rd party and she definitely thought holding back would make him leave me.

 

I will say that if I knew xmm was sleeping with his wife, the whole thing would never have happened. For a woman, it's a big turnoff.

 

Now I know men lie.

[aileD]

I once saw an email exchange between H and OW where he admitted havin sex with me..She was pissed. He said it only happened twice and the first time he didn't want to, but I came onto him and things happen. The second time ''tis because he said he saw self harm marks on me and got emotional.

 

The reality was that the whole "hysterical bonding" thing was happening. We were having more sex than we did before the affair, hotter sex and more connected sex.

 

So yeah. Men in affairs lie.

 

I think the truth is when they step out on their wives sometimes they start to think...."can I make the marriage work?".

 

My H stated he was "done" with our marriage. He claims he actually thought it was so dead that I would be happy to get a divorce. He was gone.

 

When I found out about the A and was like "woah slow down! I love you and I want our marriage and I'm not just going to rush a divorce....he said he wasn't expecting that....and it threw him for a loop.

 

And so while he had promised the OW this future, he found himself questioning ending our marriage. Yes we spent a year in limbo him going back and forth and never really ending the affair and that wasn't ok...but it was in that time he gave our marriage a chance, opened up a little and we started doing things together and intertwining our lives more. hello sex.

 

Affairs suck but sometimes in a marriage they're the thing that opens your eyes to what you have and what you'll lose and gives you the opportunity for a do over.