You don't need anyone

[Fair]

This phrase is something I've heard so many times. That one person who says it to "comfort" a person who is lonely and going through tough times... "But you don't NEED anyone!" As if that's supposed to help. It doesn't. And it always makes me want to say, "Well then why don't you give up your husband and kids, and all your supportive family members and friends? Because if they don't need anyone then neither do you!"

 

I mean, where do people get off saying such a stupid, thing? To me it always seems like a veiled brush off... a way of telling the person who is down and out not to look to THEM for help.

 

Have any of you ever said this to someone and what prompted it, really? And do you think a TRUE friend ever say this to you?

 

And for the rest of you... have you ever had it said to you personally and does it p you off the way it does me??

[Gloria25]

I think "needing" someone is misinterpreted by many people.

 

Too many people have no life (ie interests, hobbies, dreams even), so their SO and/or kids are their "life"....Some examples are: Helicopter parents - who upon kids of age to leave the nest, hold on tight and either coax them to live in their basement or are intrusive upon their marriage (ie always coming over, moving in, over involved with grandkids)...

 

Another big example is the ones who can never be single.

.like monkeys they gotta have hand on one branch before swinging to another.

[PegNosePete]

"Well then why don't you give up your husband and kids, and all your supportive family members and friends? Because if they don't need anyone then neither do you!"

Well I don't NEED a car, an Xbox or a an espresso machine. That doesn't mean I'm going to chuck them in the garbage. They are not essential but they make my life happier and more meaningful.

 

If my house were to burn to the ground then someone might well say "hey you don't really need your car, Xbox or espresso machine to survive".

 

They're just trying to help.

[Fair]

It's not a serious attempt to help... it's not even a well thought out remark.

 

A family and friends can't be likened to material possessions... no you don't need your x-box but to say you don't really need the people in your life is wrong. it's essential.

 

I would never say this to someone. it's dismissive and there's something almost passive aggressive about it - the equivalent of having them turn their backs when you need someone the most.

[VeveCakes]

People say this to me all the time too.

 

"learn to be happy alone"..."you dont need a man to be happy"...work on yourself blah blah

 

Ok but what about when you have everything you want in life except a person to share it with. And this is one thing you want more than anything?

 

I agree it isn't helpful. I would rather they say, "I know it sucks being alone, heres a hug" or something along those lines.

[Mz. Pixie]

I think that when I say this- it's because my friend or whoever I am talking to seems borderline obsessed with the other person- in other words their life is built around the other person, and they have no personal joy in their lives outside of their relationship. I don't think this is healthy, at all.

 

Never need anyone more than you need your own peace.

 

I've lost people I thought I couldn't live without- and survived, so can anyone else. We may not want to but we can.

[PegNosePete]

It's not a serious attempt to help... it's not even a well thought out remark.

Well if you feel your friends are not trying to help you or are not thinking out their remarks then you probably need new friends.

[Herbalist]

Just sounds like a typical miscommunication to me.

 

It's true that a lover is not a "need" in the same way that water and oxygen are.

 

So if you're coming across like your life is over if you don't have a lover, then that might prompt some people to try to give you some perspective.

 

Remember that most people suck at communication. Malice or dismissal isn't always (or even often) the motive. In many cases they just can't read between your lines.

 

Because I'm guessing you already understand that you don't "need" a lover, but you might want one, and very intensely.

 

And then it sounds like what you're looking for in some people is emotional validation, like along the lines of, "Yes it really sucks to be lonely."

 

But it's a lot easier to discern such things when it's impersonal, anonymous stranger talk on the internet, where we're just focusing on each other's text.

 

Someone in real life who actually cares about you and is also taking in all over your nonverbal communication, etc, might feel suddenly flustered and then their communication goes very basic and primitive, and they might say very obvious duh things like, "You don't need a lover in order to be alive."

[Larryville]

To need someone implies dependency and a habitual sort of reliance. Needing someone in times of crisis or extreme sadness is a part of being human, but "needing" that person constantly is suffocating.

When you need someone, you lose your independence, because you’re constantly reliant on another person.

 

If anyone has been in love and have experienced the joys of a good, healthy, solid relationship understands what it means to “want” someone in their lives.

 

Over the summer I took a long work/vacation trip over 3700 miles on the road and it was awesome but I would have given anything to have a significant other with me. Did I need someone to enjoy no.

 

People who make such comments “you don't NEED anyone “ are clearly out of touch with what quality human relationships can do for us.

[Fair]

[quote=Larryville;7135766

 

People who make such comments “you don't NEED anyone “ are clearly out of touch with what quality human relationships can do for us.

 

And the ones who say it are always looking down from a happy place where they personally feel strong, mistakenly feeling that strength would transfer over if they suddenly found themselves alone with no family, and no support system. (It's not necessarily about wanting a significant other...)And all the while you know if they themselves lost all that after taking it for granted for so long they'd be a suicidal mess.

 

People too self congratulatory. They don't realize it 's the people around them who are giving them the majority of their strength... they want to think it's coming from a superior inner virtue and that the lonely person is just weak...

[Fair]

The person who said this to me once had told me prior to this, that when she was in her previous relationship she felt trapped and desperate... a particular situation where she was unhappy and even frightened, like she was in her words..."in the water surrounded by sharks," until her next love came along and "pulled her out". so there was an admission that she felt she needed help at that time and that someone came along and basically saved her. And I understood.

 

Then I fell into a situation where I was in the same boat... not a relationship issue but it was something very difficult and I was for a time really floundering and scared... and that's when she told me I didn't need any help... bah!!

[Michelle ma Belle]

Well, if it bothers you so much then why not confront that person? It seems like this post was prompted by one particular 'friend' who gave you the "you don't need anyone" speech.

 

How did you deal with her insensitive comment?

[Fair]

I don't have a knack for tact and so thought it better not to respond. But I've had to be tremendously strong in my life because of having to overcome everything alone and it just gets me that I'm always being dismissed as somehow lacking or weak and expected to just buck up instead of asking for help by by people who are really not strong because they've never had to be. They can safely take the support and love and help from others for granted.

 

I can only wish that the worst thing I've ever had to deal with in my life was a lousy flipping divorce!! That would a cake walk for me...

[LargoLagg]

I don't have a knack for tact and so thought it better not to respond. But I've had to be tremendously strong in my life because of having to overcome everything alone and it just gets me that I'm always being dismissed as somehow lacking or weak and expected to just buck up instead of asking for help by by people who are really not strong because they've never had to be. They can safely take the support and love and help from others for granted.

 

I can only wish that the worst thing I've ever had to deal with in my life was a lousy flipping divorce!! That would a cake walk for me...

I'm going to start with this: that's what you say to people who are chronically lonely. To people going through a dry spell, or who just got dumped, you say, "Don't worry, you'll find somebody." But to people who never find somebody, who lack friends and lovers, you tell them they don't need anybody. You are not atypical in that you don't really understand what this means.

 

You sound a lot like my mom. She was an orphan when she was young, and bounced around from house to house and never really felt loved. I don't think she ever really learned how to manage close, loving relationships (friends included) and as a result, she doesn't really have any friends, her relationship with my father was tense, and her relationships with her children are difficult. She always laments how her life was so difficult and she was always alone and how nobody understands how hard it was. It's difficult to like her, even though she's my mother. There's a resentment(?) she carries and it shines through her personality. I'm sure she feels ripped off. I can't describe it well, but when I meet someone like her, my radar picks up on it right away. I'm sure other people do, and ultimately, I think it keeps her isolated.

 

When she does find friends, she becomes very unhappy with them when they say something she doesn't like, and that sours the relationship for her. I think, as I write this, that she expects people to, I'm not sure how to say it, that she can't see degrees of friendship. It's all or nothing for her. Is that you?

 

So just out of curiosity, you can't really help whether you have a family or not, but how is it that you lack a network of friends? Do you live in some super-rural area? Don't know how to meet people? Spend too much time at work?

 

I made a comment earlier about the lack of ability to be introspective. Prove me wrong. What is it? What's the difficulty? If you figure that out, you can probably change it. I'm happy to help if I can. It might get a little brutal, so if you'd rather not, I understand.

[Els]

I don't think anyone technically should 'need' anyone. However, there are lots of things in life that give us great pleasure and fulfillment yet technically aren't 'needed' for basic survival. And I agree that the joy and happiness that a good R brings cannot truly be 'replaced' by anything else.

 

I think people who are saying that phrase to you are likely just stumped for words, so they default to the most common cliche they can think of. Not necessarily any ill intent.

[Justsayin4897]

you should give that person a kick in the butt!!! Everyone needs h

elping hand, a shoulder to cry on..... It is human n ature.

[mikeylo]

These people lack empathy and don't want you to rely on them for any kind of support. But I'm sure that without you realizing, you are always there for them. Stop being there for them.

 

On the flip side , people who are mostly single , become more self reliant.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't have a knack for tact and so thought it better not to respond. But I've had to be tremendously strong in my life because of having to overcome everything alone and it just gets me that I'm always being dismissed as somehow lacking or weak and expected to just buck up instead of asking for help by by people who are really not strong because they've never had to be. They can safely take the support and love and help from others for granted.

 

I can only wish that the worst thing I've ever had to deal with in my life was a lousy flipping divorce!! That would a cake walk for me...

 

Has this friend been around to see you overcome some of these of challenges? Do they even know about the things you've had to overcome on your own?

 

Perhaps it has to do with the fact that they don't really know your story.

 

I guess I'm still a bit confused by your post; are you asking this friend for help and they are telling you that you don't need any help? How exactly are these conversations coming about for them to say such things to you?

[Cheryl11111111111111]

You need people. There is no if ends or buts about that. You need people to learn, to share, to function, to feel alive. To find yourself. You need people. You don't need a relationship or a partner in life. The biggest mistake that happens with our thoughts, is we believe we are hurting for a reason. We need things that aren't what we need and it is our needs that put to much demand on another person. We open ourselves up for a lot of rejection just by not understanding what a full and complete person details. We fail to recognize what the pain is meaning and put it on something that isn't it so our pain is never resolved. The truth is we need people. I am around people all the time. I have in home support for my son and mentors and teachers. You don't need a man or the guy to be happy! You don't need anything from him.

[Fair]

you should give that person a kick in the butt!!! Everyone needs h

elping hand, a shoulder to cry on..... It is human n ature.

 

Yes... i wonder how she'd have felt if her eventual saviour had that said that to her when she was "in the water surrounded by sharks"...

 

I don't have anything to do with this person anymore.

[thecrucible]

"you don't need anyone" sounds like advice from someone approaching a problem logically rather than validating your feelings. Usually they mean well. I'd say I've bonded better with my friends by responding to their upset by first just validating their feelings then if they want more analytical advice, I give them that later. I'm getting better at realising what the right thing to say is.

[Fair]

There's a resentment(?) she carries and it shines through her personality. I'm sure she feels ripped off.

 

When she does find friends, she becomes very unhappy with them when they say something she doesn't like, and that sours the relationship for her. I think, as I write this, that she expects people to, I'm not sure how to say it, that she can't see degrees of friendship. It's all or nothing for her. Is that you?

 

I have to say this is interesting. It does sound a little like me. I've often wondered if my standards are too high... and I've wondered if I seem like I carry a chip on my shoulder.... I know I have a lot resentment but imagine I'm hiding it, well. Maybe I'm not... But it's very difficult to know how you're coming across to people when they expect you to read their minds. Or just don't care enough to tell you.

 

Incidentally I can handle brutal ... prefer it, actually. i can't handle people who hem and haw and pussy foot around and are too cowardly to say what they think. I don't have patience for games and don't understand them. They make life unnecessarily complicated.

[Fair]

Do you tell your mother what you see? Just curious, LaroLagg

[Fair]

"you don't need anyone" sounds like advice from someone approaching a problem logically rather than validating your feelings. Usually they mean well. I'd say I've bonded better with my friends by responding to their upset by first just validating their feelings then if they want more analytical advice, I give them that later. I'm getting better at realising what the right thing to say is.

 

How is this validating your feelings? I didn't say I didn't need anyone. If there's a wrong thing to say to someone, this is it.

[LargoLagg]

I have to say this is interesting. It does sound a little like me. I've often wondered if my standards are too high... and I've wondered if I seem like I carry a chip on my shoulder.... I know I have a lot resentment but imagine I'm hiding it, well. Maybe I'm not... But it's very difficult to know how you're coming across to people when they expect you to read their minds. Or just don't care enough to tell you.

 

Incidentally I can handle brutal ... prefer it, actually. i can't handle people who hem and haw and pussy foot around and are too cowardly to say what they think. I don't have patience for games and don't understand them. They make life unnecessarily complicated.

OK, I'll bite. What exactly do you resent? Who do you blame for whatever misfortune or unfair treatment you've suffered? What do you expect others to do about it?

 

As an aside, it really isn't all that difficult to read how you're coming across to people. They'll either embrace you, tolerate you or avoid you. Even if they're trying to be nice and polite while they ditch you, you can tell.

 

Have I told my mother? Oh, yeah. Definitely. But she simply defends the way that she is. I tell her she's not wrong to feel however it is she feels, but that she is living the consequences of not being willing to even try to see things differently, and to be a little more tolerant of people's quirks and the things that come out of people's mouths every once in a while. I tell her that yes, if only all the world thought exactly like she does, everything would be just fine. She thinks I'm nuts, but I'm the one who doesn't have any problems connecting with people.