Past issues effecting him still?

[misanthrope]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1y 5m. About 2 months into our relationship, i noticed he had a weird fascination with talking to women on the internet. We online computer games together and when i started noticing his friends we're all women and he was leaving pieces of paper around with email address on them, I started thinking. Well, I'm not proud of it to this day, but I went ahead and checked his email because he told me his password.

 

I was so shocked by the things I found. Women sending nude photos of themselves to him, sex sites, web cam forums, dating sites, you name it, he was in it. I was so disgusted and disappointed i told him if he ever did that again, we're through. he didn't give me a reason, he just said he didn't know why he did it. Well, a couple months passed and I kept still finding his trail leading him to other forums..and other women. Second excuse was that he needed help and he didn't know why he did it. His last excuse was, "If it's not cheating, then it's ok." At 8 months into our relationship, in a webcam forum, under a thread named, "if you could meet someone from this forum, who would it be and why?", he wrote this:

"I would have to say *******, hands down. She's taken something from me that I need want back and if I could have one night alone with her I would die a happy man." He said this about a 32 y/o women 8months into our relationship. He's 23, I am 21.

 

Thing is, he had something very traumatic happen to him as a child, causing him to lose his virginity to his cousin at the age of 8. his father is also a big-time whore and he only met him once, when he was 8 y/o.

 

because of his lying and dishonesty to me, I've become such a crazy, jealous person. he tells me he can't deal with it, but when i ask him how do i deal with what I'm putting up with from him, he says he's doing nothing wrong! I know I have been suffocating him and i know my actions are a little over-reacting. Every time he even TALKS to a female, even a friend of mine, I start getting mad.

 

He's not an easy person to talk to and tries to work out all of his issues himself. This is both our longest relationship, my first one. All of his ex-f's have cheated on him or lied to him and hurt him really bad. I've NVER cheated on him, or flirted with other guys or disrespected him in any ay POSSIBLE.I've come to terms with my jealousy issues and i know I need to change, but how can I show him if he stays on this self-destructive path, he'll end just like his father?

[Iluvsiamese]

It's hard to say if this behaviour is completely due to his past. The thing is, can he face the fact that his behaviour is out of balance and creating problems for him? It would be nice to think that we could work things out ourselves, but we aren't often qualified to do this and so we don't get results.

 

Personally, I am not in favor of using the past as an excuse for bad behaviour. Yes, it may affect you and affect you very deeply, BUT at some point, you have to take responsibility for your own actions. If this means seeking help, then you need to do it. Don't expect to go through life like a bull in a china shop, constantly battering other people's feelings while using the excuse of your past to demand forgiveness.

 

It sounds to me like he cannot help himself--he hasn't been successful so far. If he won't get counselling, then you need to decide if you can live with this. Because, it is unlikely that you will be able to help him either. I'm not saying that it's completely impossible, but very improbable.

 

My father once told me that you cannot lift someone up to your level, that they will only drag you down to theirs. I didn't believe it at the time and it took alot of kicks to the head before the truth of the statement sank in, including 14 wretched years of marriage. My ex had/has lots of issues with the past, some similar to your bf's. I tried, thinking that a "normal" loving life with family etc. would heal him. I ended up scarred by the experience.

 

There is no clear answer here--this is one you have to decide for yourself. (Don't I hate these types!) But only you can say what you are willing to accept and you need to be brutally honest with yourself. You will be the one that is hurt in the long run if you convince yourself that you can handle something that in reality, you find unacceptable.

 

Good luck!