love

[Lilbigman]

So I dated and lived with the love of my life for 1 year. She and her mother have anxiety disorders. Our relationship was really good, we both always respected one another. We did the little things. Wrote little notes to each other, always good morning texts and pics, had a great sex life and just enjoyed our time together.

 

I'm 36 and she is 23. The age thing was not as bad as you would think. She was clingy but in a good way. Sure there were times I wanted a little space but never to the point of breaking up. Then one moth ago everything changed. She went on a family vacation, I dropped her off at the airport to meet her family and she started to panic. She went through security at the airport and got pulled aside witch caused her to have a severe panic attack. That week away was the first time in 10 months we didn't see each other. We had normal texting when she was gone.

 

On the way back she took one of her mothers anxiety pills but still had another panic attack at the airport. She returned home on a Tuesday and then Wednesday she called me at work stating she never felt this bad in her life. Her anxiety was through the roof and she said she couldn't get out of bed, she felt like dying. Her mom booked her a thearpy appointment for Thursday. She went to it but did not get any medication. Her mother said she never saw her anxiety so high.

 

(Couple things, I have an ex who I have a child with. She sent me an email and text in June apologizing to me and asking if we would ever get back together which my girlfriend saw). I stood up for my girlfriend and told baby momma to back way off. Back to the week, so Friday was a good day for us but she said she still didn't feel right. Saturday came and we did our regular working out together and just chilled out. Now to Sunday the day my life changed. We woke up, had breakfast and then great sex! After that she was being all weird asking if the next weekend we could do something.

 

I guess I could have answered better than I did, but I said yes why wouldn't we. We spent every day together for 11 months why are you acting like we wouldn't. She started crying and panicking. We had some argument but I had to take my son to a soccer game and she was going shopping with a friend. She thought I was mad she wasn't going to the soccer game but in reality I needed a break. All her anxiety was being thrown on me. I calmed her down and told her to have a good time with her friend and just relax and we will be home for dinner.

 

At my sons soccer game a terrible rain came through. We had to take shelter and change at that time she texted me but I couldn't respond from the rain. She texted again angry with a stupid emoji. I got me and my son in the car and then called her on the way home. She said she just wanted to come home and not meet her friend. I was already agitated from her texts so I just said real smartassish you always change plans. You should have just said something earlier and I would have been able to figure something out.

 

If I would have known what was coming from my words then I would have bitten my tongue and kept to myself. She hung up the phone and called her mother. She ended up staying at her moms that night and drove back to our place the next morning. I tried to hug her and talk but all she said was she's tired of chasing me. She wouldn't listen to a word I said. She packed up clothes for the week. I tried texting her but she wasn't having it. I tried to talk to her mom but she wasn't having it.

 

Saturday comes and she shows up at our place with her dad and 2 cops to get her things, her stepdad said he dated her mom for 17 years he knows how it is!! Wtf does that even mean and how is this all happening. I sent her so many heartfelt texts confessing my love. I just bought an engagement ring how in the world is this happening. She then blocks me on Facebook and Instagram. Over the next couple days she went on my IG and liked a couple posts. I knew she was reaching out but wouldn't text me at all.

 

I made a comment on a old friends/neighbors post about I have Mirrors at my house which she immediately sends me a screenshot of that and says goodbye. We got into a heated argument the next day and she told me to leave her alone forever. These words from someone a week ago said I was the greatest guy ever. I am so lost... another week past with no interaction so this Saturday I drive to her mothers place to return a necklace and hoping things cooled down enough to have a talk.

 

Before I got to the door her mother opens it. Like they were watching me. She immediately says I can't let you in and called the cops?? I never ever threatened her, raised a hand nothing!!!! I said well I'm sorry and here's her necklace. I felt like both there Anxiety just feed off each other. I e never seen someone's own head destroy the only thing she has ever wanted. Real love. I always thought of you wanted something bad enough you go after it. I did it in the right way.

 

I get a call from the cop asking my side of the story. He said ok and just don't contact them anymore. No charges. He then asked me what I wanted him to tell her. He said I can say she can contact me if she changes her mind and I said yes. She can contact me whenever. Then her stepdad texts me and said don't try to call her, text her, see her nothing and said he would take legal action if I do. This is a girl who has a mental illness that I love so much and want to help her, but her family just closes the door and baby's her.

 

Her real dad tried to kill her at a young age and she still talks to him and says she forgave him, this year with me she found out she has an std, her stepdad and mom finalized there divorce, she always said she feels like she don't have a home so she lived with me happy. In our year together she moved in with me, changed jobs, lost 35 pounds, I paid rent and all our utilities. I wanted to move in September to be closer to my sons school and activities but her anxiety wanted us to stay where we are.

 

It was close to her work and gym so for her I signed another lease in September. All this time everyone says I need to be here for her but I get nothing but pushed away.

 

Out of her life. I'm so lost as to what I can do especially if I can't even contact her. I know I was the best man she had. Anyone's opinion would be great! Thanks lost and confused

Edited November 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Satu]

Paragraphs would have been nice.

 

The anxiety is a red herring when it comes to why she broke with you.

 

She just felt it was best to breakup.

 

She had a think and decided it was for the best.

 

The exact why and wherefore doesn't really matter.

 

The fact that you are a persona no grata with her family, and that they got the police to come to your house, means this relationship is very definitely over.

 

You have to move on. There's no other option.

 

So begin your grieving.

 

There's nothing else you can do.

 

 

Take care.

[Lilbigman]

Thank you. First post ever.

[Downtown]

This is a girl who has a mental illness.

Perhaps so, LBMan. Your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion on what you were dealing with is to see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- and describe her behaviors to him. The behaviors you describe here -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, rapid flip between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you), clingy, convinced she's "The Victim," and lack of impulse control -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

 

She went through security at the airport and got pulled aside witch caused her to have a severe panic attack.... On the way back she took one of her mothers anxiety pills but still had another panic attack at the airport.... and then Wednesday she called me at work stating... she couldn't get out of bed, she felt like dying.

If your exGF has experienced a severe panic disorder in the past year -- as you state -- there is a substantial chance she also suffers from co-occurring BPD. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that, of those women suffering a panic disorder without agoraphobia in the past year, 24% of them also exhibit lifetime incidence of BPD. Of those women suffering panic disorder with agoraphobia, 54% also exhibit full-blown lifetime BPD. See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

Agoraphobia is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. With agoraphobia, you fear an actual or anticipated situation -- e.g., using public transportation, being in open or enclosed spaces, standing in line or being in a crowd. The anxiety is caused by fear that there's no easy way to escape or seek help if intense anxiety develops. (See Mayo Clinic description.)

 

Given that your exGF experienced her two severe panic attacks while going through airport security, it sounds like she may suffer from panic disorder with agoraphobia. If so, there is a 54% chance she also suffers from lifetime BPD -- as I noted above.

 

She and her mother have anxiety disorders.... Her real dad tried to kill her at a young age.

The 2008 study cited above found that 70% of BPD sufferers report that they had been abused or abandoned during childhood. That study also found that 81% of female BPD sufferers also suffer from a lifetime anxiety disorder. (See Table 3 of that study.)

 

All her anxiety was being thrown on me. I calmed her down and told her to have a good time with her friend.

The key defining trait for BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions. The result is that BPDers (i.e., those with strong traits) lack the emotional skills needed to avoid intense feelings (e.g., intense anger or fear). Moreover, they also lack the skills to do self soothing when those intense feelings occur. BPDers therefore typically will rely on their partners to calm them down.

 

If I would have known what was coming from my words then I would have bitten my tongue and kept to myself. She hung up the phone and called her mother.

LBMan, the reason I'm going through this lengthy discussion of BPD traits is to explain why, if your exGF is a BPDer, it is highly unlikely that your "words" created her anger and sudden fear of you. BPDers carry an enormous amount of anger and fear from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do or say anything to CREATE that anger and fear.

 

Rather, you only have to say or do some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger/fear that is already there. Moreover, even if you don't say or do anything -- i.e., even if you sit perfectly still -- your mere presence in the room (or on the phone) is sufficient to trigger a BPDer's rage -- because her subconscious will project the hurtful thoughts and feelings in her mind onto you, with the result that she will consciously believe that they really did come from you.

 

Saturday comes and she shows up at our place with her dad and 2 cops to get her things.

This rapid flip from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (viewing you as the devil incarnate) is one of the hallmarks of BPDer behavior. At the end of my 15 year marriage, for example, my BPDer exW called the police and had me arrested on the bogus charge of "brutalizing" her. When I got out of jail three days later, I found that she had obtained a R/O barring me from returning to my own home for 18 months (the time it takes to get a divorce here in my State).

 

Her stepdad said he dated her mom for 17 years he knows how it is!! Wtf does that even mean and how is this all happening?

It likely means he believes that whatever issue your exGF is suffering from had been passed on to her -- through genetics or childhood abuse -- by her own mother. If he is correct, it would suggest that she had been abused by her anxious (BPD?) mother -- not to mention the father who tried to kill her when she was a child.

 

Before I got to the door her mother opens it. Like they were watching me. She immediately says I can't let you in and called the cops?? I never ever threatened her, raised a hand nothing!!!!

This rapid flip from adoring you to perceiving you as a security threat is called "black-white thinking." If your exGF really is a BPDer, her emotional development likely is stunted at the level of a four year old. This means that, like a young child, she is too immature to handle strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships.

 

The result is that, like young children, a BPDer will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e, "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in less than a minute -- based solely on a minor comment or infraction (real or imagined). And, three weeks or three months later, she may recategorize them back to the other extreme just as quickly. In this way, a BPDer is able to "split off" the strong conflicting feeling, putting it out of reach of her conscious mind. This is why a BPDer -- like a young child -- is capable of loving you intensely and, then in only ten seconds, flip to hating you. Her love has not disappeared but, rather, is split off from her conscious mind.

 

I've never seen someone's own head destroy the only thing she has ever wanted. Real love.

If she is a BPDer, that self destruction is to be expected. Although a BPDer craves intimacy like nearly every other adult, she is incapable of dealing with it for extended periods (once you are out of the infatuation period of courtship).

 

Anyone's opinion would be great!

My view, LBMan, is that it may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, LBMan.

[Lilbigman]

Downtown thanks. She was about 16 out of 18 on your list. Everything you wrote about bpd is basically what our relationship was. The love was so real and intense but it could flip on an instant. The sweet I love you could turn into complete rage in a second. She hit me one night after drinking during an argument and that was only one time in that year. She was remorseful and I let it go. I always wanted to believe all the clingy, I love you more stuff was just an age thing.

 

I just wanted to believe that most of her panic came from me having a strong cute ex that just intimidated her and not an illness. I always invisioned marrying her and to be without her this past month really hurt. The cops involvement really just messed my mind up. I guess What im asking is after all this would she ever contact me again? Why if her family says she's not right and needs help did I get pushed away. Why is the first thing she does is add a bunch of guys on IG and Facebook. Why can't I just let go.

[Noideanow]

She sounds immature or what to Call it,

But some things i can understand,

The facebookaddings and such she did to make you jealous, and If you told her you have a cute ex i can see where her insecurity comes from when your relationship suffers the tiniest setback such things trigger bad feeling. Lesson to Learn never talk about other People that way if you love someone, it sounds like you Are still attracted to your ex, is thinking about her, doubting your decision, and not loving the woman you Are with truly and so on:(

I dont know what you Can do here other than excuse for hurting her and explain why you did it, but Again could Be she is Impossible at handling emotions..:( i think calling the police is a strange reaction, what good can come out of that, if you know you have done everything you could she must come to you, and you should let her know How the policething is the cruelest thing to do, and that you dont want to talk to her unless she apologizes and promises it Will never happen again,

Are you sure you love her?

[Lilbigman]

Yes I love her more than anything in this world. She knows my ex she's madder a bunch of times I share a child with her so she knows her. She just made the comment to me that I would abandon her like everyone else has and then the reality was she abandoned me because her mind is messed up. The whole police thing is just way over-the-top I believe it's coming from her mother and I think both of their inside he's just feed off one another. She always seeks attention she always will it's what she has to do to satisfy herself and her insecurities

 

Yes I believe she could grow out of it but the only way that will happen is if she learns how to face her fears. It just seems like she's always running away from something . She had about four numbers blocked on her phone when we started dating and now it looks like I'm another one. I don't know what I can do when her mother involves cops with me for absolutely no reason. How can you be there for someone when they keep telling you that you need to be there for them but all they do is push you away. I never thought my Thanksgiving was going to be like this , I just bought an engagement ring to propose to her on Christmas and here I am no contact whatsoever. I'd like to think at some point she's going to miss what she had but I just don't see that happening.

 

Yes I love her more than she will ever know!

[Noideanow]

i feel for you, its very tough:( i think you are very right, hope she gets to her sences, it seems right now you have nothing to lose, could it be an idea to write these things to her? or show her this thread, or is she out of reach in self pity and denial:( i dont know, maybe you cant even contact her and maybe you have to wait it out hoping if you stay away she will get to thinking, and see its on her to do something if thats what she wants, as long as you know you have shown whats in your heart fearlessly i guess thats all you can do, all the best to you-)

[Lilbigman]

It's not worth jail or a harassment charge. Just trying to let her know the feelings she has is not reality. Like I said once cops are involved it's hard to do anything. At some point her family needs to let her grow up. You can't live with someone and leave all responsibilities without even talking. I don't know. Thanks

[Downtown]

The love was so real and intense but it could flip on an instant. The sweet I love you could turn into complete rage in a second.

LBMan, a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old. Whereas a full-blown narcissist and a sociopath are unable to love, a BPDer is able to love very intensely. It is an immature form of love, however, and thus falls far short of what is required to sustain a mature adult relationship. As I noted earlier, a BPDer does black-white thinking because she is too immature to tolerate strong mixed feelings. This type of thinking is evident in the behavior of young children, who will adore Daddy when he's bring out the toys -- and then flip instantly to hating Daddy when he takes one away.

 

She hit me one night after drinking during an argument and that was only one time in that year.

Because BPDers have very weak control over their emotions, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them exhibit full-blown BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

I always wanted to believe all the clingy, I love you more stuff was just an age thing.

If she is a BPDer, it is "an age thing" in one important respect: her emotional development likely is frozen at age three or four. Granted, most major cities offer excellent treatment programs (e.g., DBT and CBT) that -- over a period of several years -- can teach BPDers the emotional skills they lack. But, sadly, it is rare for a BPDer to seek out such programs, much less stay in them long enough to make a real difference.

 

I'm 36 and she is 23. The age thing was not as bad as you would think.

No, it is worse -- if she is a BPDer as you suspect. The difference in emotional ages is not between 36 and 23 but, rather, between 36 and 4.

 

She just made the comment to me that I would abandon her like everyone else has and then the reality was she abandoned me.

A BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment. Indeed, the pain from that fear can become so great that -- as my exW did to me -- the BPDer will preemptively abandon you. That way, she stops the painful fear and walks away before you have a chance to do it to her. It does not matter that you have no such intention. A BPDer is filled with so much self loathing and shame that she lives in fear that you will abandon her when you eventually discover how empty she is on the inside.

 

What i'm asking is after all this would she ever contact me again?

Probably so. But it is difficult, if not impossible, to predict what an emotionally unstable person will do. She may flip from splitting you black to splitting you white in 5 weeks, 5 months, or 5 years from now. Or she may even split you black permanently. The answer largely depends on how successful she is in replacing you with other men. BPDers have a weak and fragile self identity and therefore desperately need to have a strong personality around to provide that missing identity. This is why BPDers generally HATE to be alone.

 

Why is the first thing she does is add a bunch of guys on IG and Facebook?

As I said, BPDers HATE to be alone. Hence, if she is a BPDer as you suspect, she has an urgent need to either reconcile with you or replace you with another man -- or, more likely, a series of other men. When you are replaced, you will be added to her list of "abusive" BFs -- all of whom she recalls as being perpetrators. In that way, she is able to "validate" her false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim."

 

Why if her family says she's not right and needs help did I get pushed away?

The push-away/pull-back cycle is a hallmark of BPDer relationships. One reason for the push-away is a BPDer's abandonment fear. As I discussed above, that fear can grow so painful that a BPDer will push you away -- i.e., preemptively abandon you -- to end the pain and prevent you from abandoning her.

 

The primary reason for the push-away, however, is not the abandonment fear. Instead, it is the engulfment fear. Because a BPDer has a weak, fragile self identity, she has little or no sense of personal boundaries. This means that, during intimacy, she will become so enmeshed with your strong personality that she cannot tell where "she" stops and "you" begin.

 

At a conscious level, she will feel that you are somehow "controlling" her and that she is vanishing into thin air -- losing herself inside your dominant personality. She will be convinced that those painful feelings are truly originating from YOU, not from her own misconceptions. She therefore will push you away to get breathing room and to feel like "herself" once again.

 

Why can't I just let go?

If she is a BPDer, the primary reason it is so painful to let go is that walking away from a BPDer feels like you are walking away from a sick young child who, despite her periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. If you're interested, I discuss this reason -- together with 3 others -- in my post at Why It's So Hard to Walk Away.

 

Downtown thanks. She was about 16 out of 18 on your list. Everything you wrote about bpd is basically what our relationship was.

Given that you believe her BPD traits are strong, I suggest you follow Satu's advice: "You have to move on. There's no other option. So begin your grieving." I also offer a few suggestions:

 

As an initial matter, I recommend you NOT tell your exGF about your suspicions (even when the R/O expires and you are allowed to speak with her). If she is a BPDer, she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist and let him decide what to tell her.

 

Second, I suggest you read the article Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD and the article Leaving a Partner with BPD. Both are at the "Articles" page of BPDfamily.

 

Third, I suggest you read an explanation of how some caregivers -- like you and me -- can become excessive at caregiving, to the point that we continue doing so even when it is to our great detriment. The best explanation I've found is Shari Schreiber's article at Do You Love to be Needed?. Schreiber argues that, due to childhood dynamics with our parents, our desire to be needed (for what we can do) FAR exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are). I do not recommend her other articles, however, because Schreiber confuses BPDers with narcissists and sociopaths.

 

Fourth, if you feel tempted to take her back when (as seems likely) she eventually tries to reconnect, I would suggest you promptly see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Importantly, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along. Therapists usually are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of the disorder -- for the client's own protection.

 

Finally, please don't forget those of us on this LoveShack forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences, you likely are helping numerous other members and lurkers. Your thread has already attracted nearly 200 views in half a day.

Edited November 24, 2016 by Downtown

[Lilbigman]

Thank you, I have to write about this because it's overtaking my mind constantly. First there is no restraining order I was just told not to contact her in a politely so there won't be a restraining order. 2nd there is no assumption it's a proven diagnostic that she has a bad anxiety disorder.

 

I just don't understand why I was threatened with police, especially since all I tried to do is talk to her. Like I stated before she has multiple numbers blocked in her phone and I hate that I'm just another number. That's why I asked if she would contact me again even with her family telling her to let go and move on. I mean we lived together for 10 months, we talked about marriage and kids. This is why it's so hard on me.

 

As of today it's been almost 4 weeks. The first week was limited texting but she said she loves me. The 2nd week was mostly no talking but she was liking some of my posts even though she has me blocked. The 3rd week was hardly any contact and her hating me. Now this week is no contact at all.

 

As soon as my relationship status changed online I've had some women making attempts at me, but I just have no interest in moving in that direction. Some say the best thing to do is hook up and date to make it easier to move on. That's not the case with me. I'm uneasy, sleep is rare and I'm constantly pacing. I just wish I knew if she would ever reach back out to me. Is it going to take her dating some other guys to realize I'm different? If she loved me this hard how can it look so easy from her end? I know we had something more than what she thinks right now.

 

How long should I go without ever reaching back out to her? Can I ever reach out after all this? Why is it she wanted me to cling for so long when I want to be there I'm not allowed.

 

She was very immature but she did love hard. She always gave me loving, sweet texts, pics, goodnights, cuddling, great sex and we did have fun. We always went out together. Sunday breakfast dates, dinners, romantic drives...ect

 

This is hard! I pray and the answers I get are be there for her, go after what you love and don't waste time waiting for her, but this seems all wrong when dealing with her family. It's hard enough to fight for her, but going from this great guy to the devil in her family's eyes is tough to swallow. That family is so used to people quitting on them and that's not how I was raised. This is like a dream sometimes but in reality I'm awake. I just want her to reach out to me!

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

Her real dad tried to kill her at a young age and she still talks to him and says she forgave him, this year with me she found out she has an std, her stepdad and mom finalized there divorce, she always said she feels like she don't have a home so she lived with me happy. In our year together she moved in with me, changed jobs, lost 35 pounds, I paid rent and all our utilities. I wanted to move in September to be closer to my sons school and activities but her anxiety wanted us to stay where we are.

 

 

This girl has father issues, and parent issues, and suffers from anxiety. which would explain why she went for someone 13 years her senior at the ripe age of 23. She is just starting out her adult life and she already comes with a lot of personal/emotional baggage regarding her upbringing.

 

I would stop trying to analyze what she is about and what disorder she has and I would focus on myself, ie. you, and try to see what it is that drew you to someone this young and complex and what your role in this relationship really was.

 

You will gain far more having an introspective look at your part in things than to trying to figure her out.

 

Healthy people typically seek out equals not people they must nurture back to health.

[VeveCakes]

Sounds like something happened on her trip. Did she meet someone?

 

She is way too involved with her parents.

 

I think you unfortunately need to forget about this one and start the process of moving on.

[Lilbigman]

Sunkiss

 

Her mother and step dad age difference was the same as our age gap. She saw her mother be successful at the age difference. She was tired of guys her age just wanting to hookup. She wants a family and marriage not dating anymore. That's what drew me to. I was tired of the games myself. She always asked me before meeting what my intentions were. She was tired of games. What drew me to her was a lot of things.

 

I split about a year before from a 14 year relationship. She gave me everything that was missing from my past relationship. She wanted kids and I wanted more kids, she wanted marriage and I want one myself. She wanted to love without games and I was tired of playing games. It took me a year and I focused on myself. I took up the gym, changed professions and just made me a better version that I loved. She loved me and did all the little things my past relationship was lacking. She valued me for me and that made me feel good. She taught me how to love again. She made me feel special for being myself. She took the time to know me.

[VeveCakes]

It doesn't sound like she should be having kids with her inability to control her anxiety.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I'm sorry but I am trying to reconcile this:

 

Downtown thanks. She was about 16 out of 18 on your list. Everything you wrote about bpd is basically what our relationship was. The love was so real and intense but it could flip on an instant. The sweet I love you could turn into complete rage in a second. She hit me one night after drinking during an argument and that was only one time in that year. She was remorseful and I let it go. I always wanted to believe all the clingy, I love you more stuff was just an age thing.

 

Against this:

 

Sunkiss

 

I split about a year before from a 14 year relationship. She gave me everything that was missing from my past relationship. She wanted kids and I wanted more kids, she wanted marriage and I want one myself. She wanted to love without games and I was tired of playing games. It took me a year and I focused on myself. I took up the gym, changed professions and just made me a better version that I loved. She loved me and did all the little things my past relationship was lacking. She valued me for me and that made me feel good. She taught me how to love again. She made me feel special for being myself. She took the time to know me.

 

If it was a both then the highs and lows of this relationship are extremely toxic in which case I stand by what I said earlier that you would benefit greatly from looking at your own role in the relationship. And why you attracted and chose to stay with someone like her for the long-haul, and even wanted to marry her.

[Lilbigman]

Veve cakes

 

No she didn't meet anyone, that's not even a possibility at all. She was with her mom, brother, sister and grandparents. She texted me mid week saying they kept running off without her and she felt like she was being left. We talked and I suggested to her to talk to mom and sister and let them know she wanted to be around them.

 

She is so close to her mother, and no matter what that will never change. Her mom saved her from her real dad and that is a bond that will never be broken. During the split her mom and I were texting and I was using text to talk. I accidentally used the F word which I immediately apologized for. It just came out. She was so upset at me. I would never ever want to break the bond between them but at some point she needs a strong man in her life to depend on and she can't always run home to mom.

 

Her mom said to me wouldn't your parents always be there for you. I said yes but this situation we needed to work together. We never talked about anything. We could have talked. I would have went with her to as much thearpy she needed. The thing that upset me most was, her family know how she acts and they been through this before so instead of helping me learn and giving advise they pulled her away. How is that fair. They only cared about her and didn't consider I supported their daughter for a year. I was her rock, I was old enough to take care of this, I had the right mind to deal with anything thrown our way. I know deep down we could get through anything together. A lot of people say count my blessings, be happy it happened now before later, move on, let go, but those people were not with us everyday for a year. It's hard!

[Lilbigman]

She gave a kid up when she got pregnant at 17. She also is a daycare teacher for 4 year olds. I was always scared of the post pardon depression. She said her mom needed to have her grandparents move in for a year when her brother and sister were born.

[VeveCakes]

I would never ever want to break the bond between them but at some point she needs a strong man in her life to depend on and she can't always run home to mom.

 

Actually she needs to learn to be on her own before she will ever be capable of being in a relationship.

[Lilbigman]

Before we met that's what she did herself for the past 8 months. I don't think her mind is capable of being alone. I didn't know everything until we became attached.

 

Most people have their own issues. I don't know why I enjoyed being her rock. I don't know why I think I can get through any problems she or I may have. I just didn't think giving up was the only way to survive

[Lilbigman]

Sunkissed what are you against? Everyone has their own needs and beliefs. I'm a simple man. I know what was real and what was bad. Do I think we had both yes. Most of the bad came from her thinking I was pulling away, or she was going to lose me. The mind can do some crazy things.

[VeveCakes]

read about white knight syndrome...might give you some insight....

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

Most people have their own issues. I don't know why I enjoyed being her rock. I don't know why I think I can get through any problems she or I may have. I just didn't think giving up was the only way to survive

 

Giving up isn't the only way to survive. I am the biggest advocate for saving what doesn't needlessly have to be thrown out like yesterday's trash. A lot of relationships are salvageable with effort and give and take on both parts, "both parts" being the operative words.

 

Sometimes, in the very absolute minimum, one part has to be so determined to make change happen, it will produce change in the other provided the other is open to it.

 

Most of the bad came from her thinking I was pulling away, or she was going to lose me. The mind can do some crazy things.

 

Other times, no amount of work from one person will make it happen because the issue is not a shared issue it is an internal one within the other person. Like in this case.

 

Sunkissed what are you against?

 

Not sure what you mean with that question?

[Lilbigman]

Sunkiss

 

I agree it takes "both" to make it work. I couldn't agree more, but sometimes it takes one to take the lead and pave the way. I guess my only question is she pushed away so hard and so fast that all my actions just pushed her further away.

 

Do you think over time I could reach back out or would she reach back out to me? Her mom called cops for absolutely no reason. Is this something we could overcome with time?

[Sunkissedpatio]

Lilbigman I get it. Your sense of loss and despair is palpable. it is so hard to lose the one you love. Even if the relationship wasn't ideal you still feel the loss so deeply and it is devastating. Believe me a lot of us here have been there and is the reason we even ended up on this board. The breakup forum is the gateway into Loveshack for many of us.

I'm sorry you are in this situation I really am.

 

What I guess is hard for you to see right this moment (and at no fault of your own because you are engulfed in love) is that it takes two and even one very determined partner to make that shift but in a situation like with your ex. you are dealing with a much bigger force here that not even she can manage.

 

She would need to do something to fix her anxiety and inner-workings of her mental state in order for there to be a chance at another go. Perhaps she just needs to mature a bit more and through heartbreak she will learn to control her fears. But by what you have described it sounds like she needs to explore several forms of treatments to manage her emotional issues.

 

It does sound like there is something there. You can't fix or change that no matter how much you love her. Only she can. That's the sad reality. And add to that her family wants you away from her...it's not looking too promising. She may or may not follow up with you years down the line but for now she has made her decision.

 

If she was old enough to have a relationship with a 36 year old man then you have to trust she is old enough to follow through with her decision regardless of what her parents want for her.