Deeply hurt- need

[DKT3]

Yeah but that is just adding to their story to get him off the hook... or lighten his cupability. They divorced, talked, remarried (maybeLS fast but everyone runs on their own clock) she gave up passwords and cellphone and all that stuff touted. She quit her job. They both chose to have children. I think pinning this on her affair is weak in this case.

 

The WH doesn't even want to quit his job. What is a result of her affair is "i forgave you, you should forgive me." But if they want to repeat the steps then they need to divorce... ect, ect. So while I don't doubt he may have justified his actions with the affair. In light of the whole picture. He probably would have slept with experienced lady and found another excuse. He wanted to do it... so he did.

 

And the divorce didn't change their history. But it contradicts all the talks of rugsweeping and it also takes away from the idea of a man trapped in marriage to a WS with kids and writhing in pain from infidelity that some people like to paint on here

 

No, he is at fault for his actions, that isn't in debate. What I'm getting at is two fold, one I'm pretty sure they rugswept her affair, thus you have the same dynamic. He pov has changed but still the same relationship. Two, while he is responsible for his actions, there is no doubt in my mind, having been in his shoes, that her affair was a factor in his affair. Doesn't take any responsibility away from him because he still made the decision.

 

It's impossible to say he would have done it anyways, she ultimately broke the relationship, the whole butterfly effect.

[Noirek]

No, he is at fault for his actions, that isn't in debate. What I'm getting at is two fold, one I'm pretty sure they rugswept her affair, thus you have the same dynamic. He pov has changed but still the same relationship. Two, while he is responsible for his actions, there is no doubt in my mind, having been in his shoes, that her affair was a factor in his affair. Doesn't take any responsibility away from him because he still made the decision.

 

It's impossible to say he would have done it anyways, she ultimately broke the relationship, the whole butterfly effect.

 

How exactly did they rugsweep her affair? Perhaps he might have, he is not here. It really is just an assumption based on nothing. Except for maybe his own affair.

 

Rugsweeping means pretending it didn't happen and going on like normal. Hiding it instead of dealing with it. Maybe they didn't deal with it as properly they shouls but I think saying rugsweeping when there were obvious consequences that happened is a little far.

[Mr Blunt]

By Deeply Hurt

Yes he says he still loves me and always has-he just made some stupid mistakes.......I do love him

 

 

 

 

 

 

If that is true then why are you both NOT in Therapy?...You both are way over your head and need help….You both have damaged the relationship severely and just talking about it or expressing your hurt Is not going to fix it.

 

In order for you both to get a lot better you both have to get the right help and take the ACTIONS to get past your damage. If you do not then your marriage will continue to deteriorate….Saying words like “I love you” falls way short of repairing the damage that you both have caused. You both cannot take the easy way but will have to do the things that you may not want to do in order to get a lot better… I realize that it is hard to do the hard things but you have hard damage and it requires hard work…Face the reality and decide if you both are going to tackle more than “I Love you” and emotional expressions.

 

You do not forgive yourself and he did not forgive you in the years past…You have to address the forgiveness or you will fail…Find out what real forgiveness is and what it takes then you decide what you are going to do....,..You and your husband cannot fix this by yourselves.

[DKT3]

How exactly did they rugsweep her affair? Perhaps he might have, he is not here. It really is just an assumption based on nothing. Except for maybe his own affair.

 

Rugsweeping means pretending it didn't happen and going on like normal. Hiding it instead of dealing with it. Maybe they didn't deal with it as properly they shouls but I think saying rugsweeping when there were obvious consequences that happened is a little far.

 

Nope, rugsweeping is not dealing with it. Divorce doesn't fix anything, it just means you are divorced. I divorced, but we never dealt with the affair. We easily fell back into comfortable situation. Once we moved from sneaking around and hiding the relationship from our kids we actually started dealing with the affair and other issues that caused our first marriage to end. Divorce did nothing, it's not really a consequence (for the affair)in restarting the relationship. Divorce doesn't take away his fears and insecurities, it's clear it has taken away her guilt and shame.

[katielee]

You really have to define what love means, OP, especially in a romantic relationship. I used to think it was a feeling. Turns out it isn't.

For us, our friendship saved us. That, and our shared values.

I'm not sure MC helped us all that much. But IC did. You have to have two healthy individuals before you can have a healthy marriage.

[katielee]

Divorce doesn't take away his fears and insecurities, it's clear it has taken away her guilt and shame.

 

I would hope, after 8 years, that she no longer has shame for her affair. Self forgiveness has proved to be a slippery thing for me. But I will not allow myself to be ashamed anymore. Neither should she. Enough. Ask more for yourself OP. You've paid your dues.

He should quit his job.

[JohnAdams]

From a man's perspective, I understand what DK3 is saying. An affair is always wrong regardless of the reason. I think men interject their feeling on the reasons just like women. I think men and women have different perspectives on affairs. So, I will respond as what I am, a man. Once the marriage vows are broken, everything changes. Women typically have affairs to meet emotional needs. Men know this and know that obviously they were not meeting their spouse's basic emotional requirements. So, the woman get involved emotionally, passionately, and get a level of excitement that they have either not received previously or at least not in a long time. So, after a man regains his dignity, sanity or the weight of what happened finally soaks in, the feeling of regaining one's masculinity soaks in. So, a need to satisfy ego overcomes one's morals and self principles. This is how an RA occurs. An RA is often forced, not a "it just happened". So, it lacks the passion, the excitement and feelings of your spouses affair. Perhaps she went PA and you only "kissed" or whatever it never equals in your mind what your spouse did. So, yes, I see how a BS can have multiple RA's. It never equals what your spouse did in your mind.

 

The fact that the op divorced and remarried did not erase what his spouse did. Their first vows meant nothing to their spouse, so how does a second set of vows make a difference. What if you repeated your vows prior to your spouses affair. Does that make it a double whammy?

 

The challenge is to make it past the affairs and move on with your life. I do think that few are capable of doing this. It is possible. Is the op capable of moving past her husbands affair? No one can keep score as there is no place that it all comes out even. Adultery is never fair and in my opinion seldom if ever can any good come from it.

[WilyWill]

^^^ Yes. Read Mr. John Adams' words again.

 

If OP wants to understand what is going on in her husband's heart and head, she should listen to the men here, and stop worrying about questions of fault or the ethics of upholding recommitment vows. Both the original commitment and recommitment were apparently worthless.

 

This is what you need to work on: understand what is going on with your husband. Ask him if he felt emasculated 8 years ago and if he ever healed properly. Understand that he will never heal fully from eight years ago, despite what he might say. You will never have a 100% marriage in his eyes, but perhaps you can get it to 80%. Bring these issues to the therapist without trying to resolve the question of who is more to blame. That will be counterproductive. You both are to blame.

 

Note that one can NEVER "pay his/her dues" for breaking marriage vows.

Edited November 27, 2016 by WilyWill

[katielee]

 

Note that one can NEVER "pay his/her dues" for breaking marriage vows.

 

Load of bull. How long should she be punished? Forever? Why stay married then? Any decent human being should just admit they can't get past it and move on. Not train wreck their way through their own life and marriage.

You can get past it OP but only if you BOTh work hard. He wants to rugsweep both affairs. He gets to choose to do this. You can choose not to stay around for that ride.

If my husband didn't want to talk about either affair I would be done. It points to his unwillingness to dig deep to get mentally healthy. Would be the case even if he hadn't had affairs.

Of course he was emasculated. Let's talk about it then. But he doesnt want to,according to your posts. He just medicated himself at both of your expenses.

[WilyWill]

What is "bull" is the idea that one can ever get past these things. I cannot speak for women, but I don't think a man would ever "get past it" fully. The question is whether both of them "get past it" enough to have a functioning marriage.

 

No-one said anything about continued "punishment". If you want to argue constructively with people, do not try to put words in their mouth. A murderer has completed his punishment when he leaves prison. But the idea that the victim's family should now "get past it" is ludicrous. They won't.

 

Our OP murdered her own marriage and her husband then murdered its illegitimate, child marriage with its hastily pasted-together pretend vows. These murders don't go away, even after the "punishment" is exacted. It's childish to imagine otherwise.

 

Since you asked (and I'm surprised you did), the reasons for staying married are: children, love, convenience, finances, and a whole host of other reasons.

 

He does need to learn to talk about it, as I've said. It's likely very difficult for him to relive both his own guilt and emasculation. She should confront him with these things and lay everything bare. As I've said, they need to walk through this storm together to get past it. So far they've only tried going around the storm, i.e. rugsweeping.

 

The problem is that some of the women commenters in here are more concerned about making the OP feel good about herself. That's an admirable goal, but it won't accomplish what she wants. You tell her that 8 years represents some statute of limitations, or vows 1.0 are now water under the bridge, but that he's the one at fault for breaking vows 2.0, which were the really sacred ones. Even if all nonsense was true from an ethical standpoint, she would do better to consider how her husband would feel when she presents these arguments. In the end, that's what matters: What words should she use to positively influence his decision to rebuild the marriage?

 

If OP wants to punish her husband, then she should have at it. Make sure he understands the statute of limitations and how she's absolved herself of all wrongdoing because of vows 2.0. You go girl! I wish her luck with her next marriage in that case.

 

I would recommend instead, that she insist on MC and insist on confronting him about the issues. Lay everything bare. But in the immediate term, she should avoid trying to exacerbate his guilt.

 

I think she should discuss her own affair and deal with ALL of his remaining feelings about it. Does he still feel emasculated? Explain to him why he shouldn't. Remind him that he's always been her man, her one and only, and that no-one ever meant as much to him as he did. The problem is that those words are a very hard sell after you've had an affair.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sometimes...infidelity just causes way too much damage to the relationship to reconcile. Sometimes...the right answer is divorce...

 

A breakdown in a relationship is shared by BOTH people in the relationship. There is no need or reason to "blame" one person over the other. They have both failed each other. In this marriage...both people have cheated....both people have rug swept and not dealt with the infidelities...and both people are harboring resentment and placing blame instead of addressing the issues and helping each other to heal.

 

If both people are not willing to put in the time and effort to help each other heal....there quite frankly is no hope for the relationship. One person alone cannot "save" the marriage...it takes both to put in the work.....Communication, honesty, transparency, therapy, and TIME are key ingredients to healing...and both partners have to be willing to do their part.

 

I am not hearing that either partner in this particular relationship has done their part or is willing to do their part. This is not about accusations and pointing fingers.This is not about punishing each other. This is about working together to overcome the destruction infidelity has caused. This is not about paying dues ...because quite frankly...you can never undo cheating. Once it has happened you can never go back...you cannot pretend that it never happened. But the relationship can flourish...it can be strong. It can be vibrant and loving. But only if both parties are willing to do everything necessary to help each other heal.

[road]

^^^ Yes. Read Mr. John Adams' words again.

 

If OP wants to understand what is going on in her husband's heart and head, she should listen to the men here, and stop worrying about questions of fault or the ethics of upholding recommitment vows. Both the original commitment and recommitment were apparently worthless.

 

This is what you need to work on: understand what is going on with your husband. Ask him if he felt emasculated 8 years ago and if he ever healed properly. Understand that he will never heal fully from eight years ago, despite what he might say. You will never have a 100% marriage in his eyes, but perhaps you can get it to 80%. Bring these issues to the therapist without trying to resolve the question of who is more to blame. That will be counterproductive. You both are to blame.

 

Note that one can NEVER "pay his/her dues" for breaking marriage vows.

 

Load of bull. How long should she be punished? Forever? Why stay married then? Any decent human being should just admit they can't get past it and move on. Not train wreck their way through their own life and marriage.

You can get past it OP but only if you BOTh work hard. He wants to rugsweep both affairs. He gets to choose to do this. You can choose not to stay around for that ride.

If my husband didn't want to talk about either affair I would be done. It points to his unwillingness to dig deep to get mentally healthy. Would be the case even if he hadn't had affairs.

Of course he was emasculated. Let's talk about it then. But he doesnt want to,according to your posts. He just medicated himself at both of your expenses.

 

He used the same medicine that his WW did.

 

 

I am sorry to point out that a WW cannot un-have sex with her OM. She can regret it. Though still does not get sex with the OM undone.

 

 

A BH can try to eat the WW's affair and swallow the fact that the WW had sex with the OM. The problem is in the eating. Though the BH ate and swallowed his WW's affair does not mean that one year or ten years later the BH gets indigestion from swallowing what his WW did.

 

 

So the BH finds himself with a stomach ache and self medicates just the way his WW did and has an affair. Revenge affair actually.

 

 

Now let us not forget that RA's are nothing new.

 

 

Then do not forget or ignore that this RA was set in motion by the WW earlier affair. As with other affairs many other WS's could not handle when they found out that their BS had a RA.

 

 

Why do you think it is common for many WS to get extremely jealous when they are having an affair? They realize that their BS can be cheating on them at the same time. So they become hyper vigilant to make sure that their BS is also not cheating. Then after D day the BS realizes why the WS was acting paranoid about the BS having an affair.

 

 

It is not right to have an affair or a revenge affair. Though the original affair set the ground work for the RA to be a possibility.

 

 

The WS can not ignore that what they sowed they are now reaping after a RA happens.

 

 

Staying married. MC. IC. Sex. Is no guarantee that the original affair is not going to back up in the BS's digestive tract.

 

 

Then we have reverse peristalsis aka revenge affair.

 

 

Affairs can be gotten over to a degree. Example trust that the affair broke can never be repaired to the level it was before the affair.

 

 

So the BH broke the vows to the second marriage. People do not forget that the WW broke the vows first during the first marriage.

 

 

Affairs bring about mental damage. Healing is not easy, takes huge amounts of time, and as with other illnesses there will always be the chance of a relapse/second affair for the WS and or a RA for the BS.

 

 

There are many reasons to recover a marriage. And life has shown that divorce instead of recovery is not the safe option to take for there have been many a BS that had spouse no. 2 cheat on them also.

 

 

All that can be done is to work on repairing the damage after an affair and realize that this repair work will be an on going job for the rest of their lives.

 

 

Because a WS after an affair says oops, my bad, I'm sorry, whatever, the BS cannot be weak as the WS was and have a RA?

 

 

Only the BS can be strong and morally superior is the opinion of many.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I want to add.... Shame and self forgiveness are not the same.

 

I have many regrets for things I have done or things I have not done....but I am not necessarily ashamed of those things.

 

But I will forever be ashamed of having an affair.... I have forgiven myself for my behavior....but I will forever be ashamed of what i did.

 

the opposite of shame is proud.....if I am no longer ashamed...am I then proud of what i did? Of course not....

 

I don't wear a scarlet letter....but I don't tell others in my "real" life about my affair....why? Because it is something I am ashamed of.

 

Cheating on a spouse is shameful...but it certainly can be forgiven.

[Noirek]

Are you so naïve that you do not realize that most men are like this?

 

Are you so shocked that you have a hard time believing what other men are telling you?

 

Not all of them act on it, but yes, a man sees an attractive women and he "thinks" about screwing her. Honestly, there is only one reason that men talk to women at all, can you think what that reason may be?

 

If you don't want to be married to a man that looks, and thinks about screwing other women, I think you would have to marry a Gay man. But then that may present other problems.

 

OMG yes men are like that...

 

My husband laughs at the stories I tell him of "internet people". I just found this lovely bunny trail. Don't worry Katie, not all men are pigs. Some actually notice attractive women and then move on before having sex with them. My husband said walking would be difficult if the other was true for him.

 

As to the OP, I don't believe your husband properly dealt with your affair well. He may have regreted not sowing his wild oats which would be aggravated by your past affair. Everyone goes on and on about rugsweeping but it is sort of a word they throw out that probably has left you scratching your head since

 

1. You were divorced

2. You were expose

3. You were reminded

4. You were kept at home

 

You lived your life as a remorseful WS not as a regular wife who you know gets to work. Now your WH is gaslighting you, possibly trickle truthing, wanting to a avoid all consequences and not taking responsibility. Your marriage is in trouble.

 

Marriage counselling is a must. And someone who specializes in infidelity would be good. And its okay for you to not be ok with things. You are both adults and responsible for your own actions. That includes how you handle this.

 

Some posters keep accusing people of makeing this a gender thing... while making it a gender thing. But my advice is genderless and would stand if you were make or female in a gay or straight relationship. People can't be divided into neat little gender lines. while there may be stereo typical differences between men and women there are even more differences between individual to individual.

[DKT3]

My husband laughs at the stories I tell him of "internet people". I just found this lovely bunny trail. Don't worry Katie, not all men are pigs. Some actually notice attractive women and then move on before having sex with them. My husband said walking would be difficult if the other was true for him.

 

As to the OP, I don't believe your husband properly dealt with your affair well. He may have regreted not sowing his wild oats which would be aggravated by your past affair. Everyone goes on and on about rugsweeping but it is sort of a word they throw out that probably has left you scratching your head since

 

1. You were divorced

2. You were expose

3. You were reminded

4. You were kept at home

 

You lived your life as a remorseful WS not as a regular wife who you know gets to work. Now your WH is gaslighting you, possibly trickle truthing, wanting to a avoid all consequences and not taking responsibility. Your marriage is in trouble.

 

Marriage counselling is a must. And someone who specializes in infidelity would be good. And its okay for you to not be ok with things. You are both adults and responsible for your own actions. That includes how you handle this.

 

Some posters keep accusing people of makeing this a gender thing... while making it a gender thing. But my advice is genderless and would stand if you were make or female in a gay or straight relationship. People can't be divided into neat little gender lines. while there may be stereo typical differences between men and women there are even more differences between individual to individual.

Not sure about this....men understand and identify with men. Women understand and identify with women. Rarely does this truly cross gender lines. Example, I have absolutely no understanding as to how a woman can become so deeply emotional attached to a married man. Makes no sense to me as it won't to most men. On the flipside, women have a hard time grasping the idea that a man can and will say absolutely anything to get into a woman's pants, or can remain totally detached emotionally in affairs.

 

We are wired differently, view life differently. The gender gap is as obvious in affairs as any other aspect of human existence.

[road]

It is a gender thing.

 

 

Men and women do not want to be a BS. Then everything else ends there.

 

 

Outside of that they tend to follow different paths. Men will meet all kinds of emotional baloney to get sex.

 

 

Women will give up all kinds of sex to het emotional needs met.

 

 

Men do not need an emotional connection to bang a bee-itch. He just has to find her attractive.

 

 

Women need that emotional connection first.

 

 

Men will keep having sex with their BW during the affair

 

 

Women will cut off the sex for their BH because they have to be loyal to their OM.

 

 

Do not come back citing exceptions. Why? They are exceptions to what usually happens, to the norm.

 

 

Edit to add: I understand why men and women are different. Biological differences and evolution. Men and women are not equal and never will be. Even when a room is filled with only women those women will not be equal to each other. Same with the men placed together in a group.

 

 

Women it appears confuse having equal rights under the law as being equal. Men have had equal rights under the law to each other but know that does not make us equal to other men.

Edited November 27, 2016 by road

[katielee]

This thread has been long on theory and short on advice.

OP - if he won't go to IC or talk about what happened, I'm afraid things don't look good. You can take as much responsibility as a person can, he still has to do his own work. Healing as a BS lies most directly with the BS, I'm afraid. You can both be there for each other but self worth comes from inside. IT takes a while to get there. And you have to actually have to want to dig it up to look at it. If he can't or wont' do that then that is what you have.

I still think you should push for the job change.

[road]

This thread has been long on theory and short on advice.

OP - if he won't go to IC or talk about what happened, I'm afraid things don't look good. You can take as much responsibility as a person can, he still has to do his own work. Healing as a BS lies most directly with the BS, I'm afraid. You can both be there for each other but self worth comes from inside. IT takes a while to get there. And you have to actually have to want to dig it up to look at it. If he can't or wont' do that then that is what you have.

I still think you should push for the job change.

 

Yes the WH can not continue to work with the OW.

[BluesPower]

Hold on a minute Katie.

 

Maybe that is a typo. But a betrayed spouse has to be helped to heal by the wayward spouse.

 

Which makes this situation so difficult in general. Here are the reasons IMHO:

 

1) Wife's first affair was rug swept. I glean this from BW's thoughts on her H's affair and her thinking that because they divorced and remarried he was over her affair. YOU NEVER GET OVER AN AFFAIR. Anyone that says they are over it is, ever her H, is a liar. Or they are incredible un-self-aware. You only learn to live with it.

 

Also, they were just too young to deal with actual healing from an affair. At that age, you just don't have the tools to deal with this stuff.

 

2) BW has to realize that while her affair plays into things, HE HAD NO RIGHT TO SLEEP AROUND.

 

3) He is lying to her about some details, end of story. I am guessing that this is not the only woman that he has slept with just, probably the latest. Even is she is the only woman he has slept with, he is not telling her everything. I have no idea how may time I slept with various women. Most men do not remember those details over a long period of time.

 

4) If she is upset that he was in love with other woman, do be. He was not, and most men don't fall in love regardless of what all of you beautiful women think, Me and every other man here have told you that.

 

5) Just an FYI, all men are pigs, it is just a fact. Any women whose husband had told you that is being lied to. Sorry to burst your bubble.

 

6) She should be upset that he betrayed her, because he betrayed her. Not because they got remarried, not because her A was 8 years ago. But simply because he betrayed her. That is reason enough to be upset.

 

7) If he and she do not grow up a little and understand that they need intense MC and IC, your marriage will not heal. They should not have rug swept the first affair and they cannot rug sweep his affair.

 

Once OP starts to get out of the shock, she needs to take stock of her marriage and his attitude to decide if they can do what needs to be done to heal or get a divorce.

[Mrs. John Adams]

This thread has been long on theory and short on advice.

OP - if he won't go to IC or talk about what happened, I'm afraid things don't look good. You can take as much responsibility as a person can, he still has to do his own work. Healing as a BS lies most directly with the BS, I'm afraid. You can both be there for each other but self worth comes from inside. IT takes a while to get there. And you have to actually have to want to dig it up to look at it. If he can't or wont' do that then that is what you have.

I still think you should push for the job change.

 

I think she should push for seeking professional help. Not everyone has the luxury of getting a new job after infidelity occurs. Your own husband is still in his same job...still working with his mistresses. You know this better than anyone else.

 

If...he is willing to get help....then perhaps as he grows to understand what he has done and why.... a new job will be something he is willing to pursue...but right now....the two of them are not communicating at all. For her to push for a new job or a new house....will only cause more withdrawal from the relationship....it will compound more resentment.

 

If this relationship cannot be saved...the last thing this man is going to be willing to do...is give up his job.

 

While I agree that there has to be strict boundaries for the both of them...it has to be something they are both willing to do for each other.

 

If he is not willing to take the first steps of boundaries and transparency...she has her answer. It may not be the one she wants....but the answer is obvious.

 

My comments are totally non gender based....they are based on reality. The reality is...we have two broken people....that have had many years of unresolved issues that have compounded into even more destruction.

 

They both need professional help....whether or not they are able to reconcile as a couple.

[katielee]

Mrs JA - no, he's not working with his mistresses. He never has.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mrs JA - no, he's not working with his mistresses. He never has.

 

same company.....correct? If not then I have totally misunderstood your posts and I apologize.

[WilyWill]

@katielee, this thread is not about you. We're talking about the OP and whether her husband still works with his AP. He still does.

 

I do agree with you that this thread has been short on good advice. The women seem to keep suggesting that OP's affair is all way in the past and should be entirely forgiven. That we need to focus solely on her husband's affair and make sure he does proper penance. They seem to want to support their sister in arms, make her feel better, even if it will not serve her marriage.

 

The men keep suggesting that both parties are at fault, and that neither's fault has been addressed properly. I think this is correct. Once the OP can accept this view and actually get her husband to open up about his feelings about BOTH affairs, she'll be making progress.

[Mrs. John Adams]

@katielee, this thread is not about you. We're talking about the OP and whether her husband still works with his AP. He still does.

 

I do agree with you that this thread has been short on good advice. The women seem to keep suggesting that OP's affair is all way in the past and should be entirely forgiven. That we need to focus solely on her husband's affair and make sure he does proper penance. They seem to want to support their sister in arms, make her feel better, even if it will not serve her marriage.

 

The men keep suggesting that both parties are at fault, and that neither's fault has been addressed properly. I think this is correct. Once the OP can accept this view and actually get her husband to open up about his feelings about BOTH affairs, she'll be making progress.

 

ALL infidelities have to be addressed...regardless of how long ago they occurred. I don't think they have been....just because they divorced does not mean the infidelity was resolved.

 

There are two people here that can probably address this the best...DKT3 and his wife....and Mr BLunt. Both divorced after infidelity and remarried. I have absolutely no experience in this area.

 

But I can see that divorcing after infidelity is not necessarily resolving the infidelity. I am assuming that infidelity has to be resolved whether a couple divorces or reconciles....and especially if the couple remarries.

 

Obviously...in this relationship..it was never resolved. There are still issues that plague the husband and have made him feel entitled to "pay backs". No infidelity is justified.....no infidelity is the right answer....and pointing fingers at this point accomplishes nothing.....whether it is them blaming each other or those of us on loveshack placing blame. Frankly...the blame game at this point is completely irrelevant. The damage has been done....and at this point they need to be figuring out how to repair that damage or to cut their loses and move forward without each other. But they both need professional help...whether they stay married or not.

 

This couple has a tremendous amount of work to do...and they both have to be willing to do the work.

[katielee]

same company.....correct? If not then I have totally misunderstood your posts and I apologize.

 

No not same company. Same town, one 100 yards away.

 

Wily- I'm answering a question someone asked me. And I have experience as the one who cheated first.