Deeply hurt- need

[road]

I want to take a moment and revisit the history of infidelity in your marriage. Without minimizing your adultery in the least, his is worse because he knew from first hand experience what it would do to you, yet he did it anyway.

 

You want to work, then work but be honest with the question of why. Is it to detach or personally grow? Is it because you no longer feel safe or believe in your marriage? Those are real and legit reasons so embrace them without rubbing his nose in them.

 

This link might help you set up a path forward http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation. It is one of the most thoughtful posts I have read.

 

 

 

Being a BS first then becoming a WS after is not worse. An RA is the BS needing to self medicate themselves from the pain of the first affair that their WS brought into the marriage. For many a BS their mind gets so messed up after their WS's affair that D day will leave them mentally messed up for decades after D day.

 

 

Not a right or wrong or even black and white.

[Deeplyhurt30]

with my husbands help of telling me where his AP's significant other works, I called him and let him know of the affair. It was very painful to hear how this affected him as well. he was devastated that over the last 3 years she had made him feel as though they were more inlove than ever. Also the fact that the two of them brought both of our families around each other . He told me thank you for not letting him live a lie any longer. I wished for things to work out for the best. In a way this was a huge relief of a burden on me feeling like I was helping to hide their affair. but at the same time I hate I had to be the bearer of life changing news to him.

My husband also made more painful truths known to me. The time frame of this affair was longer than I thought. Its alot to process but I am taking all of it day by day.

 

 

just trying to keep everyone updated on mine and my husbands recovery.

[BluesPower]

You did the right thing.

 

He needed to know.

 

How are you and your husband doing?

[l8estnews]

More details please. How long was the affair, really? Trickle truths coming out? Are you really sure about reconciling? I believe the cream of the crop is the real reason why your husband came clean to you.

[Deeplyhurt30]

Trickle truth, yes. When I add up all of the facts the affair is a few months shy of a year. This is the hardest part.

[Deeplyhurt30]

If there were no emotions involved how was it that deep personal information was shared?

[BluesPower]

I will get this one guys.

 

What you have to understand is this. When you are sleeping with a woman you talk to her, before and after. That part is a friendship. It is not what a man and woman in love talk about. You and your husband talk about life and married things.

 

For example, just an example, you husband will never tell you that he wants to see you with another woman and have a FMF threesome, more than likely. Because as his wife he does not want to take the chance that you will be hurt or judge him. Would a man tell his OW something like that, you bet. If she gets upset about something like that he just dumps her. You are his wife.

 

They can have deep conversations about your marriage relationship or how you can be a B**** sometimes. That is something that we tell the OW. She is our friend and sex partner and she will do anything to please her MM and keep him around.

 

Another example: One of my OW that I really thought was getting over me and moving on, just called to inquire about us having a FWB relationship.

 

This woman was heart broken when I left her and she wants to be FWB's.

 

WTF???

 

That is how it goes with this type of stuff. I swear to you that your husband did not love the OW. He was just banging her and that is all.

 

That is bad enough, but I know for women it is worse if they think that H loved the OW. I assure you that he did not.

[flowergirl14]

I will get this one guys.

 

What you have to understand is this. When you are sleeping with a woman you talk to her, before and after. That part is a friendship. It is not what a man and woman in love talk about. You and your husband talk about life and married things.

 

For example, just an example, you husband will never tell you that he wants to see you with another woman and have a FMF threesome, more than likely. Because as his wife he does not want to take the chance that you will be hurt or judge him. Would a man tell his OW something like that, you bet. If she gets upset about something like that he just dumps her. You are his wife.

 

They can have deep conversations about your marriage relationship or how you can be a B**** sometimes. That is something that we tell the OW. She is our friend and sex partner and she will do anything to please her MM and keep him around.

 

Another example: One of my OW that I really thought was getting over me and moving on, just called to inquire about us having a FWB relationship.

 

This woman was heart broken when I left her and she wants to be FWB's.

 

WTF???

 

That is how it goes with this type of stuff. I swear to you that your husband did not love the OW. He was just banging her and that is all.

 

That is bad enough, but I know for women it is worse if they think that H loved the OW. I assure you that he did not.

 

Thats the betrayal right there. Talking about the spouse and any marriage problems with the ap. I mean go talk to a friend of the same sex. When you add in the sex and talking crap about the spouse! Jeeze Want sex with strange people, go to a prostitute. To me that would be less painful as a bs.

[Deeplyhurt30]

I definitely felt betrayal about confiding in another woman to talk about his feelings of my past. A part of me questions how you could degrade me being your wife and the mother of your children with a woman who is cheating with you and also not living a truthful life. She too went home to her family everyday as though nothing was going on at work.

Thats one thing that I am trying my hardest not to let bring me down. I know I made mistakes, I am not perfect by no means, but I am still a good person. I can promise you I learned from them I have remained faithful nearly 9 years after the fact, and will continue to do so.

[understand50]

I definitely felt betrayal about confiding in another woman to talk about his feelings of my past. A part of me questions how you could degrade me being your wife and the mother of your children with a woman who is cheating with you and also not living a truthful life. She too went home to her family everyday as though nothing was going on at work.

Thats one thing that I am trying my hardest not to let bring me down. I know I made mistakes, I am not perfect by no means, but I am still a good person. I can promise you I learned from them I have remained faithful nearly 9 years after the fact, and will continue to do so.

 

Deeplyhurt30,

 

Again, your cheating does not excuse his in any way. May help to explain "WHY" but you both decided to reconcile and stay married. You have been faithful. He broke his vows, the old "2 wrongs do not make a right" really does apply here. So hold your head up high. You are right, he is in the wrong. All the decisions he had to make when deciding to give you a second chance will now have to be made by you. You need to decide if you will give him the gift of a second chance. It is a gift. You have every right to walk away. If YOU believe that you and he can reconcile and build a loving strong marriage, where you both are faithful, then go ahead, but make him do the heavy work you had to when you were on the other side.

 

Why, my wife and I, are still together, is because of many things, but the promises I made not to use the "Fact" of her cheating against her was the why we were able to move on and build a life. I love her, she demonstrated she loved me, but not holding this against her allowed us to put her cheating in the past. I wonder if this happened your your marriage. After your divorce, and remarriage, the affair should have been put aside. Looks like it has not. Your husband, is now using it a part of his excuse.

 

The present crisis in the marriage stands alone. Past actions may give a clue to WHY, but his actions in cheating NOW stand alone. Whatever you have done in the past, cannot and should not be brought up. You both must deal with the NOW - his cheating - his remorse, or lack of, and his actions to try and make it right. You have things to do to make this work. This biggest is not holding and using this against him when other things come up in the marriage after you both have worked through all the emotions and issues from this. He has the heavy lifting. You did did yours. Hope this helps.

 

As always I wish you luck....

[Deeplyhurt30]

Keeping everyone posted about progress. Just talking about everything makes me feel better. progress has been made on my husbands part. He has hired a new person that once trained he will send to help her with issues, he is putting up a camera in the area where his office is (he is incharge of surveillance and has assured me that he will pull up instances that i question) . There are days that I feel are like a roller coaster--one minute we are happy the next we are still working through situations and he questions whether or not I am truly going to be able to handle things...i know everything is still fresh.

 

I talked to him last night about wanting to go back to school or start maybe a part time job--he explained to me that in his opinion what he has done has made it even harder to trust me. He is asking that I give it some time (maybe next summer). That he will feel better when we are happier. (I think he is worried that I will go out an react to his affair which I dont know what else to do to prove to him that I would never do that ever again). i then let him know how much it is taking for me to allow him to go up to his work everyday. i thought that would count for something. To me, that is putting alot of trust in-letting him even have a chance to prove things to me.

[BluesPower]

Up and down is completely normal in every way. It is however maddening.

 

As far as a job or whatever you want to do. His affair negates his ability to get a say. If you need or want to do that, then do that. He will just have to deal with it IMHO.

 

Yeah, the emotions just suck. In general if just hate emotions except the good ones. My therapist tells me that you have to feel your emotions to work through them, and I guess that she is right. It still sucks...

[merrmeade]

Wait a minute. There's something very f...ked of about this:

in his opinion what he has done has made it even harder to trust me.

In light of the most recent events, what mdid you do recently to make it "even" harder to be trusted? Is he justifying this mistrust on the basis of what happened eight years ago? Isn't it all on him to prove his trustworthiness? From what I've learned, not letting a woman improve her lot in life through education is merely an attempt to control and retain power.

[ladydesigner]

Wait a minute. There's something very f...ked of about this:

in his opinion what he has done has made it even harder to trust me.

In light of the most recent events, what mdid you do recently to make it "even" harder to be trusted? Is he justifying this mistrust on the basis of what happened eight years ago? Isn't it all on him to prove his trustworthiness? From what I've learned, not letting a woman improve her lot in life through education is merely an attempt to control and retain power.

 

I think it is blameshifting on his part. Can't believe he did and acted the same way.

[elaine567]

They can have deep conversations about your marriage relationship or how you can be a B**** sometimes. That is something that we tell the OW. She is our friend and sex partner and she will do anything to please her MM and keep him around.

 

That is a huge, huge, huge deal to most BWs, I would guess.

[Noirek]

Wait a minute. There's something very f...ked of about this:

in his opinion what he has done has made it even harder to trust me.

In light of the most recent events, what mdid you do recently to make it "even" harder to be trusted? Is he justifying this mistrust on the basis of what happened eight years ago? Isn't it all on him to prove his trustworthiness? From what I've learned, not letting a woman improve her lot in life through education is merely an attempt to control and retain power.

 

It seems to me he is still not taking full responsibility for his actions. The trickle truth, staying at the job, gaslighting, ect. This is going to make R hard. It's so hypocritical of him to stay working there and yet also say he doesn't trust you to go to school or work... making his affair still about you. Instead of talking about your trust, talking about his. i agree with mermeade. He is controling you. Keeping you where he wants to.

 

I would consider taking active steps to do what you want to do and stay healthy. He shouldn't be calling the shots on that. Not if he wants to R.

[Deeplyhurt30]

two months post finding out about the affair today---hope everyone had a good christmas. Christmas actually went well at our house. We do seem to be getting back on track, but there are definitely triggers that seem to come and go. I tend to be going through a phase of remembering details or things that I overlooked thinking "why didn't i see it then".

Sometimes when I am alone at home,sitting, staring out the window...I feel so numb--like no feelings at all. Like an emptiness, wondering if things will ever be truly "back to normal". Then I realize it has to be up to both of us to make our own definition of that now. These feelings seem to come on the most when we are not together or when he is at work.

I can say that the last 2 weeks have been the better of weeks we have had in a long time with minor disagreements. I do see that he is trying.

why is it just so hard to trust even when someone says they are completely open? I only hope that he has learned from his mistakes like I did. I think that is what I hold onto--hoping that he is the same as me when it comes to regretting that certain part of your life. A part of your life when you feel like you didnt know or understand the person you were and how you could hurt the person you love so much-----if anyone on here is wondering if people really can change, they can--but only if they want to.I am nowhere near the person I use to be. Fear of the unknown is what I feel I am going through right now. How do I know what he tells me is true? How do I know this will not restart? How do I know they still dont talk? ugh the continuous thoughts... but it does feel better talking about it here...i can only hope these thoughts get better.

[ladydesigner]

two months post finding out about the affair today---hope everyone had a good christmas. Christmas actually went well at our house. We do seem to be getting back on track, but there are definitely triggers that seem to come and go. I tend to be going through a phase of remembering details or things that I overlooked thinking "why didn't i see it then".

Sometimes when I am alone at home,sitting, staring out the window...I feel so numb--like no feelings at all. Like an emptiness, wondering if things will ever be truly "back to normal". Then I realize it has to be up to both of us to make our own definition of that now. These feelings seem to come on the most when we are not together or when he is at work.

I can say that the last 2 weeks have been the better of weeks we have had in a long time with minor disagreements. I do see that he is trying.

why is it just so hard to trust even when someone says they are completely open? I only hope that he has learned from his mistakes like I did. I think that is what I hold onto--hoping that he is the same as me when it comes to regretting that certain part of your life. A part of your life when you feel like you didnt know or understand the person you were and how you could hurt the person you love so much-----if anyone on here is wondering if people really can change, they can--but only if they want to.I am nowhere near the person I use to be. Fear of the unknown is what I feel I am going through right now. How do I know what he tells me is true? How do I know this will not restart? How do I know they still dont talk? ugh the continuous thoughts... but it does feel better talking about it here...i can only hope these thoughts get better.

 

The only way these thoughts will lessen is IF your WH is actually putting in the work he should be post Dday and when you check and verify his whereabouts and what he tells you and they check out clean... THAT helps you start trusting the WS again. Unfortunately in my case my stbxwh got a burner phone and for 2 more years ( I though we were in R and I checked and verified the entire time:()he carried on the A underground unbeknownst to me. Trust will NEVER be regained in my situation.

[Deeplyhurt30]

The only way these thoughts will lessen is IF your WH is actually putting in the work he should be post Dday and when you check and verify his whereabouts and what he tells you and they check out clean... THAT helps you start trusting the WS again. Unfortunately in my case my stbxwh got a burner phone and for 2 more years ( I though we were in R and I checked and verified the entire time:()he carried on the A underground unbeknownst to me. Trust will NEVER be regained in my situation.

 

I am so sorry ladydesigner, I wish people would just let you know they are unhappy and choose someone else instead of wanting to drag other along. he reassures me that i dont have to worry about that again, but the "what if" is definitely still there...or worrying that once the storm "blows over" it will restart...I do not blame you one bit for how you feel. If I ever felt even the smallest doubt and it couldnt be backed up, i know it would be time for me to move on as well. I am at a point in my life that even the smallest wrong is it for me. We have both agreed on that.