Deeply hurt- need

[Deeplyhurt30]

I don't know what to do, I do love him- I've just been hurt so bad. During the past two years of feeling like something was wrong- I became very depressed - even expressing all of this to my husband- why didn't he tell me then? There were days I would literally ball up under the covers feeling so worthless. Anytime I would tell him of my suspicions he would make me feel like I was the one making things up (even after affair exposure he told me he thought some things I said about her were to try to make him hate her) some of the times I went off to places with her she was very flirty around other men and I remember telling him I didn't feel comfortable being around her.

 

Gosh sitting here thinking of so many details -- us hanging out together was supposedly after the fact they slept together but when I go back to certain events it seems like he was doing things during

[road]

Think of it from the attractive woman's perspective. -

are you that naive to think that it's insulting to be thought of as screwable when we just want to Exist have peace in this world. What a violation. Are you ok with your daughters being thought of like this? If no, then just f u c k ing stop

 

 

A woman with the looks of a 10 knows that she is very desirable.

 

 

Is it the poor man's fault he finds her attractive?

Is it the short man's fault that she is taller than him?

Is it the ugly man's fault that she can pull in 10's herself with no problem so he never will have a shot at her?

Is it the man that has no game/poor social skills fault preventing him from getting her interested in him?

Is it the man with the dirty blue collar job fault that she can pull in men with prestigious jobs?

 

 

No man wants a woman based just on looks. Though looks is what we notice first.

 

 

A woman wants to claim it a violation that we find her desirable. When the real truth is that she finds it a violation on those men that see sees as undesirable because we are out of her league.

 

 

What defines sexual harassment?

 

 

I won't answer that question but I will say what I have observed in real life. When a woman finds a man attractive she is all for what he does.

 

 

When a woman finds the man un-attractive and he tries the same things as the man she likes it is sexual harassment.

 

 

As to daughters. A dad should want he man that is going to marry his daughter to find her attractive. How can there be a good marriage and a good sex life for her when her husband finds her lacking. Yes she is a daughter and to include sons. They are adults at the same time and deserve the fullest life possible.

[Deeplyhurt30]

I let him know that I was trying to go through a surviving infidelity program and he asked me why I feel like I need to go through a counseling type program- that it was no something he had to do , he just knew he wanted to always be with me---- I explained to him that maybe that's what we needed to do back then- his response was "why can't we just move on from all of this- you shouldn't need a program to know if you want to be with me or not"

[ladydesigner]

I let him know that I was trying to go through a surviving infidelity program and he asked me why I feel like I need to go through a counseling type program- that it was no something he had to do , he just knew he wanted to always be with me---- I explained to him that maybe that's what we needed to do back then- his response was "why can't we just move on from all of this- you shouldn't need a program to know if you want to be with me or not"

 

This is classic rug sweeping!

[ladydesigner]

I don't know what to do, I do love him- I've just been hurt so bad. During the past two years of feeling like something was wrong- I became very depressed - even expressing all of this to my husband- why didn't he tell me then? There were days I would literally ball up under the covers feeling so worthless. Anytime I would tell him of my suspicions he would make me feel like I was the one making things up (even after affair exposure he told me he thought some things I said about her were to try to make him hate her) some of the times I went off to places with her she was very flirty around other men and I remember telling him I didn't feel comfortable being around her.

 

Gosh sitting here thinking of so many details -- us hanging out together was supposedly after the fact they slept together but when I go back to certain events it seems like he was doing things during

 

And the above is called Gaslighting.

[Deeplyhurt30]

He also states that because we have had so much arguing over the last two years (which now we know I was right about my suspicions ) our main focus should be letting things go, moving on, and being happy again.

 

 

Don't get me wrong I want those things too, but the right way. I feel so worried there is more to this--right now I am just worried

[Marc878]

This is classic rug sweeping!

 

Yep, good for him short term but long term not so much especially for you.

 

You want this marriage to work then you both have to do the work,

 

If you change nothing, nothing changes.

[ladydesigner]

He also states that because we have had so much arguing over the last two years (which now we know I was right about my suspicions ) our main focus should be letting things go, moving on, and being happy again.

 

 

Don't get me wrong I want those things too, but the right way. I feel so worried there is more to this--right now I am just worried

 

From what you are describing between the rug sweeping comments and all the gaslighting during his A and now your gut seems to be screaming there is more... there usually is.

 

When I discovered my stbxwh's A with MOW it was only the tip of the iceberg. I am really hoping this isn't the case for you. Just because you were a WS years ago does not negate the fact that you are feeling exactly how a BS feels. Your now WH should know what this feels like and what needs to be done to get over an A not hurry the process geeez.

[Marc878]

His confession is a good sign. Most have to be caught.

 

Not that it makes it any less painful for you

[katielee]

What if you told him you'd be happy to move on if he passed a polygraph?

Also, his quitting his job should be non-negotiable.

The issue with having an affair first is that you don't think you have a right to ask for things. You do. I don't like to live in the same town as both OW. If I see them too many times I will leave..

[Deeplyhurt30]

Agreed Katie - every day when I go to his work I see her car and possibly her- every day. What did you think of her smiling and to me acting as if all was good that I mentioned happened just Friday?

[katielee]

DH- I think your gut is screaming for the right reasons.

But she is not your problem, except for triggering when you see her, which I totally get. Your husbands unwillingness to change jobs and really talk about what happened is the issue.

[Deeplyhurt30]

Marc878- maybe I should mention here too that the other couple whom I spoke of having an affair also have been getting attention from other coworkers at work (having ppl complain of them always being together in each other's office) my husband told me that himself and the ap always worried the other couple would expose them if they in turn were caught) I guess in a way that they wouldn't be the only ones getting in trouble- what if seeing them get attention of the possibility of getting caught lead my husband to going ahead and owning up to what he had done?

[Marc878]

Marc878- maybe I should mention here too that the other couple whom I spoke of having an affair also have been getting attention from other coworkers at work (having ppl complain of them always being together in each other's office) my husband told me that himself and the ap always worried the other couple would expose them if they in turn were caught) I guess in a way that they wouldn't be the only ones getting in trouble- what if seeing them get attention of the possibility of getting caught lead my husband to going ahead and owning up to what he had done?

 

It's possible and I'm sure there were people who knew or suspected what was going on. IMO your are making a mistake of helping them hide their affair. Who knows maybe her betrayed husband will make her quit her job and then your problems of contact go away.

 

Again exposure should be without warning. They all try and cover for each other. You are just a crazy jealous wife, etc.

 

You can't R in your current situation. Think back your H did full exposure on you didn't he. It ended things didn't it.

 

Her H is crazy is a lie told to keep you in control. They are playing you.

[Marc878]

It's your life. If your H rugsweeps this it will be because you let him. Wake them up to reality like you were.

 

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

 

You know only what you've been told. The tip of the iceberg I'd bet.

[l8estnews]

This is one of those situations where I really want to jump in to the Original Poster's shoes and do the right things:

 

1.) Give him a very worded talk, dump him, explain to the kids what happened (they will hurt but this is unavoidable in this situation), ask for my legal options, get financial support, stand up for myself, be strong, find my own footing in life and try to see what I can do to make my OWN financial income stability, give my all to my kids to lessen the pain as much as possible, forgive, and find happiness.

 

I know it's not simple but it's way better than dealing with a spouse who is conflict avoidant, not willing to cooperate, very sketchy and feels entitled. Ugh, straight to the trash bin he goes.

[fenix]

This is one of those situations where I really want to jump in to the Original Poster's shoes and do the right things:

 

1.) Give him a very worded talk, dump him, explain to the kids what happened (they will hurt but this is unavoidable in this situation), ask for my legal options, get financial support, stand up for myself, be strong, find my own footing in life and try to see what I can do to make my OWN financial income stability, give my all to my kids to lessen the pain as much as possible, forgive, and find happiness.

 

I know it's not simple but it's way better than dealing with a spouse who is conflict avoidant, not willing to cooperate, very sketchy and feels entitled. Ugh, straight to the trash bin he goes.

 

Agree, if your husband doesn't want to cooperate you better serve him the papers of the divorce. He needs to account for his actions.

 

I dis-advise involving the children till you are definitely determined to divorce him.

[WilyWill]

I feel like he needs to quit the job just to show that he's willing to make sacrifices for you--that he regards your feelings as important.

 

Another point that I don't think has been discussed: How did he find out about your affair? Did you come clean all on your own? He did, which is admirable, all things considered. But if you never came clean on your own, and you only stopped the affair because it was accidentally discovered, then the implication (in his mind) is that you would have liked to continue the affair forever. In your husband's mind, the other man was first choice, your husband second. That's not something easy to get over.

 

It's great that you recommitted to your marriage once you had children. But keep in mind, your husband probably felt committed to your marriage from day one. He thought you felt the same. You betrayed that. Your recommital was not worth so much. You'd already shown that your promises were worth little. Your first commitment was made under God as well, so why would the second one made under God be special? Don't be surprised if he views your recommital as something less momentous than how you view it.

 

Do not focus on the OW. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else.

 

You really need to get into marriage counseling. You need to tell your husband that you understand there are still unresolved issues stemming from your affair and that they were never properly dealt with. Tell him that you believe the two of you should discuss EVERYTHING that was rugswept--your affair as well as his. Lay it all bare.

 

But most importantly, make sure he FEELS your love and respect for him. Make sure he understands that he was NEVER second choice and that you NEVER intended to leave him (I hope this is true). Even if you told him that 100 times over the past 8 years, tell him again today. Tell him every day for the rest of his life.

 

Make sure he feels like a man again. Tell him how desirable he is to you. You might want to offer yourself sexually to him in a way you never have before, so that he feels like he's truly "reclaimed" you. (Yes, most men view women as a kind of property, for lack of a better term). These are things that will help him heal. Don't listen to the "you go girl" types who want you to assert yourself. Even if their position is justified from an ethical standpoint, digging in your heels will do nothing to help you bring your husband closer to you.

 

BOTH of you need to make big sacrifices to make it work. Swallow your pride and suppress your desire to determine which of which of you holds the higher ground. If he was here, I'd tell him the same.

[l8estnews]

In this day and age, I always question why people can just throw away a good relationship just because of lust, and finding something new. But I am also appalled as to why there are some people who really knew how sh*tty their partners are but they can't seem to find the strength to throw them away.

 

What's happening in this world?!

[ladydesigner]

I feel like he needs to quit the job just to show that he's willing to make sacrifices for you--that he regards your feelings as important.

 

Another point that I don't think has been discussed: How did he find out about your affair? Did you come clean all on your own? He did, which is admirable, all things considered. But if you never came clean on your own, and you only stopped the affair because it was accidentally discovered, then the implication (in his mind) is that you would have liked to continue the affair forever. In your husband's mind, the other man was first choice, your husband second. That's not something easy to get over.

 

It's great that you recommitted to your marriage once you had children. But keep in mind, your husband probably felt committed to your marriage from day one. He thought you felt the same. You betrayed that. Your recommital was not worth so much. You'd already shown that your promises were worth little. Your first commitment was made under God as well, so why would the second one made under God be special? Don't be surprised if he views your recommital as something less momentous than how you view it.

 

Do not focus on the OW. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else.

 

You really need to get into marriage counseling. You need to tell your husband that you understand there are still unresolved issues stemming from your affair and that they were never properly dealt with. Tell him that you believe the two of you should discuss EVERYTHING that was rugswept--your affair as well as his. Lay it all bare.

 

But most importantly, make sure he FEELS your love and respect for him. Make sure he understands that he was NEVER second choice and that you NEVER intended to leave him (I hope this is true). Even if you told him that 100 times over the past 8 years, tell him again today. Tell him every day for the rest of his life.

 

Make sure he feels like a man again. Tell him how desirable he is to you. You might want to offer yourself sexually to him in a way you never have before, so that he feels like he's truly "reclaimed" you. (Yes, most men view women as a kind of property, for lack of a better term). These are things that will help him heal. Don't listen to the "you go girl" types who want you to assert yourself. Even if their position is justified from an ethical standpoint, digging in your heels will do nothing to help you bring your husband closer to you.

 

BOTH of you need to make big sacrifices to make it work. Swallow your pride and your desire to determine which of which of you holds the higher ground. If he was here, I'd tell him the same.

 

I would not get into MC until your WH is forthcoming with everything and is willing to discuss the A without any blameshifting onto you. IC for both definitely. MC is a waste of time with someone who is conflict avoidant.

[l8estnews]

 

It's great that you recommitted to your marriage once you had children. But keep in mind, your husband probably felt committed to your marriage from day one. He thought you felt the same. You betrayed that. Your recommital was not worth so much. You'd already shown that your promises were worth little. Your first commitment was made under God as well, so why would the second one made under God be special? Don't be surprised if he views your recommital as something less momentous than how you view it.

 

 

I don't get this. If 2 people decide to re-commit, then the issues of the past should have been cleared first before re-committing. If this is true, then don't you think it's the fault of the husband for re-committing when at the end of the day, he still have a grudge on his wife? I am not defending the OP's affair. That's her fault too. A grave mistake. But again, the keyword is they both decided to re-commit. Why are we justifying the husband's actions now due to the OP's mistake in the past?!

 

I am so against cheating as some of you are very well aware in my post, but in this case, I really cannot fault the OP if people are saying that it's her fault that the husband strayed.

 

No, it's not her fault. This is HIS fault this time. If he didn't forgive his wife's affair, he shouldn't have remarried her. he shouldn't have children with her. He shouldn't have stayed for 8 years with her.

 

No, this affair is to the husband, and the husband alone.

[katielee]

This ^^^^^^

[ladydesigner]

I don't get this. If 2 people decide to re-commit, then the issues of the past should have been cleared first before re-committing. If this is true, then don't you think it's the fault of the husband for re-committing when at the end of the day, he still have a grudge on his wife? I am not defending the OP's affair. That's her fault too. A grave mistake. But again, the keyword is they both decided to re-commit. Why are we justifying the husband's actions now due to the OP's mistake in the past?!

 

I am so against cheating as some of you are very well aware in my post, but in this case, I really cannot fault the OP if people are saying that it's her fault that the husband strayed.

 

No, it's not her fault. This is HIS fault this time. If he didn't forgive his wife's affair, he shouldn't have remarried her. he shouldn't have children with her. He shouldn't have stayed for 8 years with her.

 

No, this affair is to the husband, and the husband alone.

 

Exactly

[WilyWill]

I don't get this. If 2 people decide to re-commit, then the issues of the past should have been cleared first before re-committing. If this is true, then don't you think it's the fault of the husband for re-committing when at the end of the day, he still have a grudge on his wife? I am not defending the OP's affair. That's her fault too. A grave mistake. But again, the keyword is they both decided to re-commit. Why are we justifying the husband's actions now due to the OP's mistake in the past?!

 

I am so against cheating as some of you are very well aware in my post, but in this case, I really cannot fault the OP if people are saying that it's her fault that the husband strayed.

 

No, it's not her fault. This is HIS fault this time. If he didn't forgive his wife's affair, he shouldn't have remarried her. he shouldn't have children with her. He shouldn't have stayed for 8 years with her.

 

No, this affair is to the husband, and the husband alone.

 

So we've concluded that the real crime in all of this is his deception when he recommitted? This is becoming surreal. She slept with another man, freely and openly, deceiving a newlywed husband who loved her and trusted her.

 

He gave her a gift when he recommitted, probably not understanding how difficult it would be for him to get over her affair. The slate was not clean when the second marriage began. If it were, this whole issue could be resolved by them getting married for a third time. It's just not that simple.

 

If you read through this thread, you won't find anyone who blames her for her husband's affair. The decision was all on him. But we're trying to determine his mindset and the things that can help both of them heal. The question of "fault" keeps getting raised by angry women who want the OP to exact some kind of revenge on her husband, or make him understand his moral failings. He already understands that--that's why he confessed all on his own.

 

The question, at this point, is how to best save the marriage, which seems to be their mutual goal.

[ladydesigner]

In this day and age, I always question why people can just throw away a good relationship just because of lust, and finding something new. But I am also appalled as to why there are some people who really knew how sh*tty their partners are but they can't seem to find the strength to throw them away.

 

What's happening in this world?!

 

You are telling me. I realize now I should have left my M long ago for other incidents not infidelity related, but I always hung in there hoping things would change. It came to my detriment.