Over before it ever really began...

[staggerlee71]

shes was a great girl for me but I don't trust a friggin thing she says. I'll look for actions.

 

Something that is preached here, I never enjoyed doing but is working wonders. Joined the gym. Go 5 days. So helpful. Something to think about if your not already doing it. My goal is to stay til May. Not results oriented but time oriented

[Jimmyjackson]

shes was a great girl for me but I don't trust a friggin thing she says. I'll look for actions.

 

Something that is preached here, I never enjoyed doing but is working wonders. Joined the gym. Go 5 days. So helpful. Something to think about if your not already doing it. My goal is to stay til May. Not results oriented but time oriented

 

Yeah let her chase for a bit.

 

I did go to the gym for about a year but I hated it to be honest, felt like a chore. Don't like the atmosphere and the gym in general, found it boring haha.

[Jimmyjackson]

Just logged onto Facebook and the first story on my feed was the girl in this thread and her ex becoming friends on Facebook again. I guess I know the real reason now?

 

I just went to her page to 'hide' her posts so I dont see this stuff and she's deactivated her account instantly after adding him it appears...

 

I suppose she did sorta half tell me this anyway from what I wrote at the beginning of the thread. It's made me feel better though, I've squashed any hope now so I feel I can move forward. No doubt she liked me and maybe in different circumstances it could've been really good but she was a month out of a relationship what did I expect? Obviously dated me, realised she wasn't fully over her ex as she kinda mentioned anyway and has likely been communicating with him recently.

Edited December 10, 2016 by Jimmyjackson

[Jimmyjackson]

Any tips on how to cope?

 

I don't know why considering it was only three months but I can't stop thinking about her and haven't done since she ended it nearly three weeks ago. Maybe it's because I didn't see any bad side to her or there was so much untapped potential? people say focus on her negatives but there aren't any, we didn't get to that stage it was all infatuation.

 

I've spent most of my free time in my room alone since and basically refreshed loveshack to read threads. I do have fun with friends and it takes my mind off it for a bit but then I hit a wall and it comes back to my head even while I'm out with my friends. I was out last night drinking and was fine for a bit then it just got to me, I was tempted to text her but I just went to sleep instead so I didn't do anything I regretted and sleeping on it will have benefited me, plus I was drunk.

 

Any tips on how to get her out of my mind? I've been going to work too but I still think about it constantly and I'm not getting anything done at work. It doesn't help that I work on my own a lot so I'm stuck with my thoughts, I have no interest in going to work at the moment but I'm showing up anyway!

Edited December 11, 2016 by Jimmyjackson

[Jimmyjackson]

[]

 

In a nutshell, she was a month or so out of ending a three year relationship, I met her and we started dating for three months. I think it was a mixture of she realised she wasn't ready to date again and she didn't see it going the distance.

 

Has anyone ever struggled with a short term relationship? Mine ended and it's really hurting me. I wasn't with this person long enough to see her 'negatives', it was literally all infatuation so I'm finding it hard to get over her as she is perfect in every way for me. She is the best looking girl I've dated by far which makes it even harder as I worry I'll never find someone else I find as attractive as her. I know it's not all about looks but she was genuinely a lovely girl too, my friends mention how attractive she was and how nice she was and this makes it harder for me.

 

Any advice on how to get over a relationship when it ended so soon? I feel like we have unfinished business and it never really got a good chance. In my last relationship my ex cheated on me so I had a good reason in my head to dislike her and not want to go back, I'd be lying if i said I didn't want this girl back.

 

It's been nearly a month and I don't feel any better, I'm in NC but I mope around the house in my free time and hope that she reaches out one day. We also ended on good terms, I went to hers, we kissed, she was emotional and really nice to me. There was no arguing or fighting etc, I really fell for this girl.

Edited December 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
threads merged ~6

[DarrenB]

One way to stop thinking about it and progress forward is to stop analyzing and infact over-analyzing such a short-term relationship. You know it's not helping you, but you feel there's something to salvage or you have that glimmer of false hope. Which, in fact and unfortunately you shouldn't. Not for something so temporary.

 

Get back out there. Find someone new. 'It's easier said than done' you will think that i'm sure, but you know that doing so will help in your healing and coping. I'm sure you will find another person, but you're preventing yourself from making ANY sort of progress because you're dwelling on this. There is no 'unfinished business' between you and her. Attraction can either last a while, or vanish suddenly as if it never even existed. Regardless of what you think of her, you need to treat this and accept the fact that it was short term, you had a little bit of experience with each other but the compatibility clearly wasn't there. The sooner you accept and realise that, the easier it will be to deter the whole situation. There's no going back here. If it was longer and there was a more fluent chemistry, then sure perhaps in due time, but it's really just coming across as just a dating routine.

 

Just because she was the most 'attractive' girl to you, doesn't mean she'll be the last. This world of obscurity denies us happiness sometimes and takes away what makes us whole, but on the other hand it offers us a lot of opportunities at the same time.

 

You can either dwell over this girl who, sorry to say will forget your existence soon, or you can move on outward of this in-denial and grief and look onwards. Maybe, even find someone better. Your choice...

[Jimmyjackson]

One way to stop thinking about it and progress forward is to stop analyzing and infact over-analyzing such a short-term relationship. You know it's not helping you, but you feel there's something to salvage or you have that glimmer of false hope. Which, in fact and unfortunately you shouldn't. Not for something so temporary.

 

Get back out there. Find someone new. 'It's easier said than done' you will think that i'm sure, but you know that doing so will help in your healing and coping. I'm sure you will find another person, but you're preventing yourself from making ANY sort of progress because you're dwelling on this. There is no 'unfinished business' between you and her. Attraction can either last a while, or vanish suddenly as if it never even existed. Regardless of what you think of her, you need to treat this and accept the fact that it was short term, you had a little bit of experience with each other but the compatibility clearly wasn't there. The sooner you accept and realise that, the easier it will be to deter the whole situation. There's no going back here. If it was longer and there was a more fluent chemistry, then sure perhaps in due time, but it's really just coming across as just a dating routine.

 

Just because she was the most 'attractive' girl to you, doesn't mean she'll be the last. This world of obscurity denies us happiness sometimes and takes away what makes us whole, but on the other hand it offers us a lot of opportunities at the same time.

 

You can either dwell over this girl who, sorry to say will forget your existence soon, or you can move on outward of this in-denial and grief and look onwards. Maybe, even find someone better. Your choice...

 

I know you're right with everything you said I just guess I wished it meant as much to her as it did to me. I can't stop thinking about her!

[Satu]

I know you're right with everything you said I just guess I wished it meant as much to her as it did to me. I can't stop thinking about her!

 

Just let yourself think about her.

 

The thoughts will gradually lose their impact and become something of little importance.

 

 

Take care.

[Satu]

Also avoid rebounds.

 

 

From my journals:

 

 

Getting back on the horse

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if the breakup was particularly traumatic..

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

 

Not married, not separated, goes without saying.

 

 

Take care.

[Jimmyjackson]

It's just really getting me down. It's getting to the point that I'm at work and colleagues are noticing. One member of staff told me today that people have been saying I don't appear 'myself'. My manager also asked me if there is anything I'd like to talk about and mentioned I seem a bit upset these past few weeks.

 

I feel that I am letting the thoughts of her come to me like many people suggest but it's just making me feel worse!

[DarrenB]

 

I feel that I am letting the thoughts of her come to me like many people suggest but it's just making me feel worse!

 

Then there you go. Stop allowing her to make such a difference and pester you in your current life and future. You know you can make a change, but you're clinging on... for no real valid purpose. She's gone, eradicate her from your mind, accept the fact that it's over and you'll be able to begin processing and functioning properly. I don't know what more you want to be said...

[Nini-mouse]

Hi there Jimmy,

 

It seems to me that you are still thinking about this girl because you are holding onto this idea that if you had met her later, you might have had a better chance at a relationship with her. I think that you are holding on to the idea that if you just stay NC for long enough, she will work out her issues and come back to you. Is that true, do you think?

 

If you are hooked up on that in your mind, it is going to be hard to let go and stop thinking about her, because I guess that is what your mind is going to do - hold on, if you are really just waiting for her to come back?

 

Have you ever practiced mindfulness? There is a great app called Calm that can help you with that. The trick is to watch your thoughts come and go and not to get hooked up in them. It saves a lot of misery.

 

From reading your thread, it seems to me that you are over functioning. I know this because I am doing it too at the moment, but it means that you are putting in ALL the effort into this non existent relationship, and she isn't putting any effort into it at all. It also indicates that the relationship is toxic, and that you need to slow right down, and become more aware of yourself.

 

If you are thinking about her all the time, perhaps it is a distraction from thinking about yourself. I have been guilty of this myself. If you can take some time to get to know yourself more and look more inwards at your own 'stuff' then I think you will grow and learn to not get so hooked up on thoughts of her.

 

Good luck!

[Jimmyjackson]

Then there you go. Stop allowing her to make such a difference and pester you in your current life and future. You know you can make a change, but you're clinging on... for no real valid purpose. She's gone, eradicate her from your mind, accept the fact that it's over and you'll be able to begin processing and functioning properly. I don't know what more you want to be said...

 

Well when I try not to think about it I do, and when I let the thoughts come to me as Satu suggested I feel just as bad. Not really sure how to just turn it off like a tap?

[DarrenB]

Well when I try not to think about it I do, and when I let the thoughts come to me as Satu suggested I feel just as bad. Not really sure how to just turn it off like a tap?

 

I don't recall saying it would be easy, nor do I recall stating that you'll get over it within an instant...

 

Refer to a post I gave someone earlier:

 

- Go to therapy. Go to your local doctor. Get a diagnosis, to acknowledge specifically what you're dealing with. Sometimes you feel it's PTSD or something, but actually it can be more severe and harming to your emotional and mental state.

 

- Acceptance. I feel as though you still have glimmers of hope for her and you getting back together, in some weird circumstance. In-denial, you know that sort of thing. In any situation, the sooner you accept the fact something is genuinely over, you have more sense of direction of where to progress in coping. Sounds like malarkey but it's genuine. Worked for me anyway.

 

- Dating. Have you tried it since? there's the whole cliche aspect of occupying yourself with typical, routine-like activities but perhaps finding and seeking a new partner might do you well. As Satu would say 'getting back on the high horse'. Now, doing so will probably either allow you to completely emotionally detach from your ex or bring you to reminisce more than you currently already do. It's worth bargaining with though.

 

- Try not to be independent and handle things alone. This is where I went wrong in my healing. I refused to open up to people or be a social activist. What did that do for me? nothing, it made me worse. When you're lonely whilst in a place of mind which is deemed to be dark, ominous and sorrowful the last thing you want is to be dealing with it alone. You need a place of sanctuary but also you need support and guidance. Without it, you might grow stronger down the line but you'll succumb to the solitude. Suicidal thoughts are not something to neglect, period.

 

- Having the right mentality and mindset to move forward. It's a myth that getting into a new relationship, turning over a completely new page, starting a new life entirely can benefit you, because sometimes it can be the worst decision you'll ever make, but it's worth the risk. With risk comes reward. You're skeptical, like a lot of us were or are. That's alright, because gradually you will get out of that mindset of grief and begin to see the finer things in life. Things that you are yet to experience because you are being held down by constant thoughts of people, memories that are obsolete.

[Jimmyjackson]

Hi there Jimmy,

 

It seems to me that you are still thinking about this girl because you are holding onto this idea that if you had met her later, you might have had a better chance at a relationship with her. I think that you are holding on to the idea that if you just stay NC for long enough, she will work out her issues and come back to you. Is that true, do you think?

 

If you are hooked up on that in your mind, it is going to be hard to let go and stop thinking about her, because I guess that is what your mind is going to do - hold on, if you are really just waiting for her to come back?

 

Have you ever practiced mindfulness? There is a great app called Calm that can help you with that. The trick is to watch your thoughts come and go and not to get hooked up in them. It saves a lot of misery.

 

From reading your thread, it seems to me that you are over functioning. I know this because I am doing it too at the moment, but it means that you are putting in ALL the effort into this non existent relationship, and she isn't putting any effort into it at all. It also indicates that the relationship is toxic, and that you need to slow right down, and become more aware of yourself.

 

If you are thinking about her all the time, perhaps it is a distraction from thinking about yourself. I have been guilty of this myself. If you can take some time to get to know yourself more and look more inwards at your own 'stuff' then I think you will grow and learn to not get so hooked up on thoughts of her.

 

Good luck!

 

Hi

 

Yes you make a lot of good points, I definitely feel that given a different circumstance things might've been a lot different but I keep trying to tell myself that it's all 'if's and buts'.

 

I have a book on mindfulness that I haven't got round to reading just yet, however I will do so soon.

 

There are things I need to sort out in my life, I am not happy whatsoever with a number of things. I just can't find the motivation to do anything about it at the minute, I struggle to concentrate on anything.

[Nini-mouse]

Hi Jimmy,

 

I think that turning your focus to yourself, and becoming more self aware, does not necessarily mean making a start on all the things that are bothering you about your life. Try to be kind to yourself.

 

If you are not feeling motivated and you can't concentrate, maybe try not to struggle with this. Just let it be.

 

I think that mindfulness would help you a lot! Reading books about psychology, self awareness or mindfulness, sounds like a great idea! I think it would be really helpful to you. The trick is to become more self aware and learn about yourself.

 

Take care and be kind to yourself.

 

Cheers!

[EvilLawStudent]

I've had one of those mate they're sweet and sour.

[Jimmyjackson]

I've had one of those mate they're sweet and sour.

 

Tell me about it, it was going great and then she just changes her mind! Think that's why I am struggling as there weren't any issues, hard to accept.

[Jimmyjackson]

I don't recall saying it would be easy, nor do I recall stating that you'll get over it within an instant...

 

Refer to a post I gave someone earlier:

 

- Go to therapy. Go to your local doctor. Get a diagnosis, to acknowledge specifically what you're dealing with. Sometimes you feel it's PTSD or something, but actually it can be more severe and harming to your emotional and mental state.

 

- Acceptance. I feel as though you still have glimmers of hope for her and you getting back together, in some weird circumstance. In-denial, you know that sort of thing. In any situation, the sooner you accept the fact something is genuinely over, you have more sense of direction of where to progress in coping. Sounds like malarkey but it's genuine. Worked for me anyway.

 

- Dating. Have you tried it since? there's the whole cliche aspect of occupying yourself with typical, routine-like activities but perhaps finding and seeking a new partner might do you well. As Satu would say 'getting back on the high horse'. Now, doing so will probably either allow you to completely emotionally detach from your ex or bring you to reminisce more than you currently already do. It's worth bargaining with though.

 

- Try not to be independent and handle things alone. This is where I went wrong in my healing. I refused to open up to people or be a social activist. What did that do for me? nothing, it made me worse. When you're lonely whilst in a place of mind which is deemed to be dark, ominous and sorrowful the last thing you want is to be dealing with it alone. You need a place of sanctuary but also you need support and guidance. Without it, you might grow stronger down the line but you'll succumb to the solitude. Suicidal thoughts are not something to neglect, period.

 

- Having the right mentality and mindset to move forward. It's a myth that getting into a new relationship, turning over a completely new page, starting a new life entirely can benefit you, because sometimes it can be the worst decision you'll ever make, but it's worth the risk. With risk comes reward. You're skeptical, like a lot of us were or are. That's alright, because gradually you will get out of that mindset of grief and begin to see the finer things in life. Things that you are yet to experience because you are being held down by constant thoughts of people, memories that are obsolete.

 

I am going to my doctors tomorrow so I am going to see what he suggests regarding my low mood. I do have glimmers of hope yeah, I just don't know how to kill them? I really like this girl, still. When it first ended I didn't feel too bad, but the more time is going on the more I'm realising it's over and it annoys me.

 

I haven't tried dating no, I know that my head isn't all there at the minute and I likely wouldn't enjoy it. I go out with my friends drinking and what not but I have no desire to talk to girls or anything as I am still consumed by thoughts of this one.

 

Don't get me wrong I've spoken to my friends about it but I tend to deal with it alone as I feel I'm just boring them or bugging them with the same stuff over and over.

 

I know I sound pathetic considering we didn't date that long, I'm just finding it hard....this girl was literally perfect in my mind. Because it was so short, I didn't see any negatives and it's driving me crazy.

 

I thought that maybe crying would make me feel better but for some reason I seem to be unable to let it out. I've not cried since it happened and I've tried my hardest to force myself to but I just can't. It feels like my emotions are all trapped inside and I need to let them out.

Edited December 18, 2016 by Jimmyjackson

[DarrenB]

 

I know I sound pathetic considering we didn't date that long, I'm just finding it hard....this girl was literally perfect in my mind. Because it was so short, I didn't see any negatives and it's driving me crazy.

 

Pathetic? no, not at all. I empathize for you greatly. I'm an advocate for love and people that show affection and care for others, you should not feel a burden or feel ridiculed or be reprimanded because you showed care and have that attachment to someone. Even though, you shouldn't for reasons regarding coping and so forth, a lot of the time you can't control how you feel, so do not get me wrong I am not trying to beat yourself into a stricken state. I just want you to be able to understand that things that can cause you so many different emotions, both effective and conflicting is not good for you.

 

Come back tomorrow and document if you choose to, on how the doctors went and such. It might be a lack in serotonin, PTS or something entirely out of the ordinary, don't quote me though because I'm not a doctor

 

How often do you busy yourself? occupy yourself during the day? during my still 4 month period of healing, I've gone through very difficult days where I'd be struggling almost entirely, however as soon as I did something that was not something I did daily or on a common basis, it gradually helped ease those thoughts and negative feelings out the way. It's personal preference as we're not all the same, but I do suggest trying some things that you haven't done before or have neglected doing.

Edited December 18, 2016 by DarrenB

[Jimmyjackson]

Pathetic? no, not at all. I empathize for you greatly. I'm an advocate for love and people that show affection and care for others, you should not feel a burden or feel ridiculed or be reprimanded because you showed care and have that attachment to someone. Even though, you shouldn't for reasons regarding coping and so forth, a lot of the time you can't control how you feel, so do not get me wrong I am not trying to beat yourself into a stricken state. I just want you to be able to understand that things that can cause you so many different emotions, both effective and conflicting is not good for you.

 

Come back tomorrow and document if you choose to, on how the doctors went and such. It might be a lack in serotonin, PTS or something entirely out of the ordinary, don't quote me though because I'm not a doctor

 

How often do you busy yourself? occupy yourself during the day? during my still 4 month period of healing, I've gone through very difficult days where I'd be struggling almost entirely, however as soon as I did something that was not something I did daily or on a common basis, it gradually helped ease those thoughts and negative feelings out the way. It's personal preference as we're not all the same, but I do suggest trying some things that you haven't done before or have neglected doing.

 

Thank you for your kind words. It's just ironic how all I want is the source of my pain to make me feel better. I reminisce of the times spent laying next to her and her being affectionate with me, I really miss that feeling and I want the very thing that makes me feel like crap to happen again so that I feel better - at least for a moment.

 

I will let you know yes, the main reason I am going is because well I found a lump somewhere alarming without going into too much detail and I'm obviously worried, this is the last thing I need on top of my current mental state. While I am there I'm going to discuss my low mood as well.

 

I don't do much honestly, just go to work and drink on weekends with my friends, when I'm hungover like today I feel worse but the time with friends is a bit of a distraction I guess. Other than that I come home from work and sit in front of my laptop, googling ways to get over a break up or reading Loveshack posts. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't have any desire to do anything at the moment I just want to be a recluse. I've also taken up smoking again, I know it's bad for me but I feel I cannot withdraw from two 'addictions' at the same time if that makes sense.

[Jimmyjackson]

Hi Jimmy,

 

I think that turning your focus to yourself, and becoming more self aware, does not necessarily mean making a start on all the things that are bothering you about your life. Try to be kind to yourself.

 

If you are not feeling motivated and you can't concentrate, maybe try not to struggle with this. Just let it be.

 

I think that mindfulness would help you a lot! Reading books about psychology, self awareness or mindfulness, sounds like a great idea! I think it would be really helpful to you. The trick is to become more self aware and learn about yourself.

 

Take care and be kind to yourself.

 

Cheers!

 

I am going to the doctors today and I am going to discuss this with him, see what he says regarding my low mood. I've never been this low in my life before, it's a weird feeling.

[Jimmyjackson]

Ok so my doctors phoned me and tell me that my doctor has phoned in sick. I went to the walk-in centre but there's a three hour wait and I have work later so I cannot wait around .

[Jimmyjackson]

So I went to my doctors and told him about my low mood, he referred me to a therapist. I had a telephone assessment yesterday that lasted about an hour. On the phone the lady told me that I scored 'moderately to highly depressed and moderately anxious'.

 

Anyway, I'm just waiting on a letter in the post to see a therapist now. I rarely get feelings for a girl, but when I do I seem to really dive in head first and then struggle when it doesn't work out. This among other issues I'm having I feel I need to get to the bottom to, I'm looking forward to my session actually.

[BlkVelvet]

So I went to my doctors and told him about my low mood, he referred me to a therapist. I had a telephone assessment yesterday that lasted about an hour. On the phone the lady told me that I scored 'moderately to highly depressed and moderately anxious'.

 

Anyway, I'm just waiting on a letter in the post to see a therapist now. I rarely get feelings for a girl, but when I do I seem to really dive in head first and then struggle when it doesn't work out. This among other issues I'm having I feel I need to get to the bottom to, I'm looking forward to my session actually.

 

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm in real pain too. Hang in there.