Considering of entering into a LDR, seeking wisdom of more experienced individuals.

[LostHeart88]

Hey,

 

I'll try to keep this short.

 

I have recently met an amazing girl that I vibe with perfectly, and feel that I could trust. She's an outlier to what I usually go form and hey man thats fine. She seems like a really cool girl.

 

Some background on her, shes 19 and im 21. Shes a sophomore and im a senior in college. She hasnt had a boyfriend before, and isnt the type to go around and hook up either. I dont think she has had sex....ive been together with her for about a month and we havent done anything and she got nervous when I tried to make things more imitate. She doesn't have any dating experience honestly, or boy experience.

 

Meeting her, shes great and she is pretty mature with how the relationship is forming.....it feels very healthy and I like the pace everything is forming. The problem is she goes abroad for the spring semester and this is how things get tricky. I spoke to her and she said she wants to be with me and she wants to try it out. I guess I should try it out, but considering ive been cheated on a multitude of times I feel this is also unwise despite my feelings for her. I asked her if she didnt wanna miss out on "opportunities" to which she wasnt sure what i meant and then said she doesnt care for hook ups..so.

 

3 1/2 months and then she comes home.

 

Should I just give it a shot? I dont want to be a fool and honestly being cheated on again would really suck...but I do like her a lot. and she seems like the most genuine girl I have ever met.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Els]

This would be a no-brainer for me - 3.5 months is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. If you can't trust a partner to be apart for that short a time, you're not ready to be in any kind of relationship IMO.

[LostHeart88]

This would be a no-brainer for me - 3.5 months is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. If you can't trust a partner to be apart for that short a time, you're not ready to be in any kind of relationship IMO.

 

 

She seems worthy of my trust, but I guess I just wanted some feedback from people with experience. I wish I knew her longer before starting something like this tho. We aren't officaly dating, but we are exclusive and basically acting like a couple and talk about us. Have been thinking of asking her out offically, but abroad makes thing me a little nervous even tho she wants to try it.

[LittleTiger]

Three and a half months is nothing!!! If you think she's special what have you got to lose?

[LostHeart88]

Three and a half months is nothing!!! If you think she's special what have you got to lose?

 

Nothing I guess. Just really nervous about it.

 

I have a lot of insecurity in regards to trust, I have trust issues in relationships. She is trustworthy, but I have been cheated multiple times. Is it something I've done? or did I just chase the wrong type of girl. She's completely different from what I went from...and shes very traditional with things which I kinda like .

 

I feel I should work on my inner insecurity by maybe talking to someone or something. It's not fair to pin someone else's sin she didn't commit, on her.

[LittleTiger]

Nothing I guess. Just really nervous about it.

 

I have a lot of insecurity in regards to trust, I have trust issues in relationships. She is trustworthy, but I have been cheated multiple times. Is it something I've done? or did I just chase the wrong type of girl. She's completely different from what I went from...and shes very traditional with things which I kinda like .

 

I feel I should work on my inner insecurity by maybe talking to someone or something. It's not fair to pin someone else's sin she didn't commit, on her.

 

The issue here seems to your lack of trust and really has nothing to do with her going away. Would you trust her if she was staying at home?

 

You have no reason to believe she's more likely to be unfaithful just because you're not seeing her every few days. Some people have affairs when they're living under the same roof, others stay faithful and devoted to one another despite being separated for months or even years!

 

It does sound as though you need to get some help with your trust issues because they could get in the way of you forming a healthy long term relationship - assuming that's what you want.

[Els]

She seems worthy of my trust, but I guess I just wanted some feedback from people with experience. I wish I knew her longer before starting something like this tho. We aren't officaly dating, but we are exclusive and basically acting like a couple and talk about us. Have been thinking of asking her out offically, but abroad makes thing me a little nervous even tho she wants to try it.

 

Well... I was in a LDR for 2 years, we closed the distance several years ago and are still together now... so 3.5 months is completely doable, if that helps. I mean, yeah, sure, there's a chance it wouldn't work out. But on the other hand that risk applies to any relationship you get into, especially at your age.

 

If you like her, just ask her out. 3.5 months will fly by.

[LostHeart88]

I appreciate the wisdom and constructive feedback.

 

I might ask her out this weekend, distance isn't the biggest deal I have my life to worry about too and I don't need to be attached at the hip.

 

I do have trust issues, yeah you can cheat anywhere regardless if you're 1 mile or 1000 miles away. I have been cheated on a few times and I have those insecurities, but I remind myself that I trust her....would rather not feel anxious about it. Guess I have some irrational(or are they rational) fears to work on? Afraid that she'll see opportunity there and take it, and I feel that way because I've experienced this before with other individuals.

[Els]

Afraid that she'll see opportunity there and take it, and I feel that way because I've experienced this before with other individuals.

 

Opportunity to cheat exists for everyone, even housewives who are living with their husband. Don't judge someone by their 'opportunity' - judge them by their behaviour and personality.

[LostHeart88]

Opportunity to cheat exists for everyone, even housewives who are living with their husband. Don't judge someone by their 'opportunity' - judge them by their behaviour and personality.

 

Yeah but 15 weeks away? Maybe get lonely and want someone else.

 

Do plan to visit if I'm able to secure a cheap flight to Europe(which I probably can finesse).

 

It's just weird because everyone of my friends has been cheated on, I only know one successful couple. It's a little depressing haha. Do you think I should relay my concerns and past experiences with her and explain it's me and not her? Maybe her telling me would ease my anxiety?

[Southwardbound]

If you really like her three month will just fly by. So go for it.

 

The key to any good relationship is communication and modern technology makes that extremely easy. Get either a whatsapp or messenger app if you don't already have one. Then you can communicate daily, via video to chat for as long as you like, and it won't cost you a thing.

 

The actual time you are apart will firm up the friend-partner aspects in your relationship, by giving you each a chance to get to know one another well. If you can do this, then your long-term relationship, will be a durable one.

[niji]

I like the saying, "Don't project your insecurities on others". I use it to convince myself to have trust and believe in those I love all the times.

 

Just because you've been cheated on multiple times, doesn't automatically mean this one will do that also. Even you have said she's different from people you've dated before. Of course anyone can cheat, but I love this one quote by Elswyth

 

Don't judge someone by their 'opportunity' - judge them by their behaviour and personality.

 

Not everyone will get a fix to deal with loneliness by going out and hooking up. You'll be surprised how many people, when their SOs are away, actually just stay home, be a recluse (or a hikkikomori if you're familiar ) and resume the things they used to do before they met their SOs, be it catching up on a TV show or online shopping. Moments of weakness can happen to anyone, but for a lot of people, cheating is against their core principle. If I ever catch myself prone to the desire to cheat, I will break up first. Cheating not only means I've betrayed someone who loves me, but also my own principle that I've believed in my whole life.

 

Being apart certainly presents an opportunity, a temptation, perhaps, but someone who cheats on you doesn't deserve to be with you in the end, so think of it more as a test. If you both pass the (many) tests, your relationship will survive.

Edited December 1, 2016 by niji

[LostHeart88]

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

I am officially dating her and we are giving it a go.

 

Just don't have much trust in people, but that's me. Hell...the other day at the supermarket I was on line and the couple in front of me, the boyfriend left to get something from an isle and the girl turned around and checked me up and down and smiled......Don't think she appreciated the dirty look.

 

I have expressed my concerns and she has addressed them. The way she put herself is that she doesn't go out looking to hook up, but has a few times if it happened...but can control herself. seems possible, but that's me relaying what I have discussed here.

 

Any additional feedback or advice is appreciated. Perhaps any tips of making sure a LDR doesn't get boring. I intend to focus on being nice and friendly with her and not fighting etc. Probably visit during Spring Break too.

[LargoLagg]

I'm curious, why don't you just free each other for the 3.5 months she's going to be abroad? Here's my thinking:

 

She's going to do what she's going to do. Whether you're with her or not, she's not given to nights out hooking up, so that's not what you really need to worry about. The question is, will she meet a nice looking Italian native (or wherever) who sweeps her off her feet for a night of passion?

 

And you think that being her brand new boyfriend is going to prevent her from doing this? No wonder you've been cheated on in the past! You're giving far too much credence to the chastity promises of a teenager.

 

You guys can date until she leaves, but when she does, tell this girl that you like her, and that you're going to miss her, and that you want to greet her the second she returns from her trip, and that you plan on being her boyfriend when she returns, but for now, while she's on that trip, you want her to have the time of her life and not be constrained by any promise she's made to you. You've only known her for a month! You haven't even slept with her! Give her a break! This is no way to start a relationship! Wait until she gets back. You're setting the table for failure, and it is completely unnecessary to do that. Don't make her give you promises! She barely knows you!

 

Oh, and you know what else really sucks? Being a suspect for the crimes of other people. If you have trust issues, then stop jumping so quickly into relationships that require trust. Like this one.

Edited December 9, 2016 by LargoLagg

[central]

That short a time isn't a problem. Then what? She returns to school at some point, and where are you? Unless you can find a job near her school, you may be in a long term LDR, and that can be really difficult to handle. On the other hand, you can use the time she is home to see if you are compatible enough for the long term to decide whether or not to continue the relationship.

[LostHeart88]

I'm curious, why don't you just free each other for the 3.5 months she's going to be abroad? Here's my thinking:

 

She's going to do what she's going to do. Whether you're with her or not, she's not given to nights out hooking up, so that's not what you really need to worry about. The question is, will she meet a nice looking Italian native (or wherever) who sweeps her off her feet for a night of passion?

 

And you think that being her brand new boyfriend is going to prevent her from doing this? No wonder you've been cheated on in the past! You're giving far too much credence to the chastity promises of a teenager.

 

You guys can date until she leaves, but when she does, tell this girl that you like her, and that you're going to miss her, and that you want to greet her the second she returns from her trip, and that you plan on being her boyfriend when she returns, but for now, while she's on that trip, you want her to have the time of her life and not be constrained by any promise she's made to you. You've only known her for a month! You haven't even slept with her! Give her a break! This is no way to start a relationship! Wait until she gets back. You're setting the table for failure, and it is completely unnecessary to do that. Don't make her give you promises! She barely knows you!

 

Oh, and you know what else really sucks? Being a suspect for the crimes of other people. If you have trust issues, then stop jumping so quickly into relationships that require trust. Like this one.

 

I think a break is pointless and if that were the case I'd rather just find someone else then wait for her to hook up and then take her back, lol.

 

I didn't just attack her and ask her out, we were a "thing" for about two months and I asked her out a few weeks ago following a discussion of what she'd expect out of a relationship with me, if abroad is an issue and I told her I do not want to be a ball and chain to her time spent abroad. I asked if she felt she would want the freedom to go out and not worry about someone back home, and she replied that she's not going abroad to hook up and if someone does hit on her she has no problem saying no and that she wants to be in a relationship with me. She also said she doesn't want to be a notch on someone's belt, and appreciates the respect I have for her.

 

I mean, that sounded like a personal attack. I was cheated on when my girlfriend at the time time found a new job and started an affair with someone else. I think this happens at 17, but also at 20,24, 32, and 40 no? Was I supposed to leave her once she had a new job? Control her and prevent her from seeing any guys? She was a crappy person at the core, I don't see how that's my fault? Obviously undeserving of my trust. I know someone from my hs who was sleeping with a woman who was about to get married in a few days. She was about 32, that isn't a teenager. I don't get what you mean too much credence to a teenager, people of all ages pull that crap. If I go upstate with my friends to party for a week...I should take a break for that week because I inherently lack self control and cant keep my pants on? I left my old ex girlfriend for a week in California last year. Didn't do a thing with a girl, enjoyed my time with my brother and friends. Didn't care for a girl truthfully.

 

I'm sure she'll find someone attractive try to hit on her, but isn't this where trust and a person's core values come into play? I've gone out a few times with my friends and met plenty of good looking women that would "offer me a night of passion" and yet I've simply refused. I have respect for my girlfriend. I know quite a few people who have entered LDR relationships and have failed, but also succeeded yet they're teenagers and young adults. I know girls (and guys) who threw away their relationship away for a night with years invested, and sometimes weeks or months. I've also see people stay loyal weeks, months or years in.

 

I do trust her, I discussed what makes me sometimes doubt things and we talked it all out. I have no reason to not trust her...she goes out to parties without me and I don't care. I don't think twice about it. I don't have general trust in people, because I see how low people as a collective can get. But she hasn't given me any reason to not trust her.

 

I get that there is a "recipe for disaster" but I know people who've made and who haven't. Isn't opportunity everywhere and risk a part of making yourself vulnerable? People get cheated on for years right here at home, you don't need to be an ocean away for that to happen....

[LostHeart88]

That short a time isn't a problem. Then what? She returns to school at some point, and where are you? Unless you can find a job near her school, you may be in a long term LDR, and that can be really difficult to handle. On the other hand, you can use the time she is home to see if you are compatible enough for the long term to decide whether or not to continue the relationship.

 

No when she comes home I will be around the area. If anything I will most likely 20-60 minutes away from her. There's no reason why I wouldn't find a job in my field in this location.