Am I a bad husband? Am I bad man?

[Mrsomebody]

Im 40 years old and I've been married with my wife for 10 years and have 2 beautiful children. I love my kids but am slowly drifting away from my wife who is 36 y.o and always fighting with her about nothing. I've found myself connected to a new colleague that just started working with me who is younger (28) and I find more attractive. She is also in a long term relationship but things are also not working out for her but she says they are trying to make it work. I see that we have a connection and that she has feelings for me and I feelings for her. We go out to eat all the time and have dinners, spend time after work together and flirt with each other through text. I find myself making reasons to see this new girl everyday. My wife recently has noticed the changes in me and has tried to do date nights with me again and tries to work out our relationship, but I spend more time with the younger girl all the time at work and continue to flirt with her harmlessly. My question is am I a bad person? Husband? My wife thinks im working (which for most part i am) does not have any knowledge of time spent with other girl and the texts that we exchange. Should I have more respect for her relationship with her boyfriend who "try to work out" and not flirt and see her everyday? I feel like if he treated her better then she wouldn't have reason to be with me. What if she equally wants to see me and flirt back as well? I've been contemplating divorce recently with my wife. I don't know what to do. We haven't done anything physical yet between me and my colleague .

Edited November 25, 2016 by Mrsomebody

[basil67]

You're not bad, but your priorities are certainly the wrong way around.

 

Your flirting is NOT harmless. You are actively feeding your crush on her and encouraging her to towards you.

 

So, first things first, you need to sort out your marriage. Put your efforts into working on your marriage. You owe your wife and (especially) your children nothing less.

 

What are some examples of fighting about nothing?

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry in advance. I'm usually a lot more subtle than this but I've spent the last couple of weeks packing-up our whole life preparing to move back to England next week (we've been in the USA for many years) & I'm physically & emotionally in agony.

 

Goodbye dream house. Huge life changing experience! My husband's last day of work was yesterday. He's unemployed now. We will be living with my parents as of next week!! I left home at 17 & I'm now 45!!! At least our 2 wonderful little children are excited.

 

You're 40. Married 10 years with 2 kids. Pretty cliche time to be feeling & doing this c**p!

 

Chances are you're already making the biggest mistake of your life. You don't feel like it now but you will regret this for the rest of your life! You, like my husband, will destroy your 'love story', hurt your wife more than you could imagine you could EVER hurt anyone!

 

YES! You're being a completely & utterly sh*t husband & you know it! REALLY? You're seriously asking if it's bad to break your marriage vows & commit adultery? What answer do you expect?

 

If you seriously want to get divorced (not just suddenly focusing on your wife's every fault you can possibly think of to justify your inappropriate crush on your young OW) then do it...But do it because it's the best thing for you!

 

If being a part-time Dad, watching another man love your wife & be there for your kids & everything else that comes with divorce is HONESTLY what you want then stop with this woman, get divorced, live alone, work on yourself, give stability & coparent well with your wife BEFORE you start chasing women!!

 

As I said, I'm in a horrible mood! Stop this affair & focus on your life. So very many men who do what you're doing, come d-day, realize that they don't want to loose their wife, family & life. They put so many people that they profess to love through shattering agony only to regret it!! Ugh!!! Your marriage, your wife will NEVER BE THE SAME!

 

Please listen. PLEASE!! Ugh!! WHY?!?

[l8estnews]

I was about to post a beastmode, too but Shattered beat me to it! So, I'll make this very mild.

 

Facts:

 

1.) You have 2 beautiful children

2.) You have a wife, whom you fight with (arguably) a lot

3.) You have a younger girl whom you are attracted and (let's face it) want to bang. (C'mon, you are very attracted to her!)

 

So, just to lay it out on the possible path this will lead:

 

a.) You will bang the new girl, develop deep feelings for her which will make it definitely hard to end, D-Day, drama, divorce, Beautiful Kids hurt, more drama, child support, broken family, damaged children, damaged wife, damaged boyfriend of the girl etc etc. and be part of the "H*mewr*cker's Club," trust me, this club has so many members already.

 

or

 

b.) Be a matured, honorable man, work out your marriage, reconnect to your wife (you owe your relationship this one. Why? You made vows to each other, you're partners for life, you have kids who rely on both of you EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, basically their overall well-being), respond to her efforts in reconnecting to you (Date Nights right?), leave the young girl alone, and you will have an INTACT, Family.

 

There's also C. (See, so many choices! )If you've done your best and you are really not happy anymore, ask for a separation, ease your way out of the house and be very sensitive of your children's feelings (they are innocent in all of this hullaballoo) but expect them to be hurt nontheless, sort yourself and what you really want, then date again properly without becoming less of a father to your children.

[whichwayisup]

Im 40 years old and I've been married with my wife for 10 years and have 2 beautiful children. I love my kids but am slowly drifting away from my wife who is 36 y.o and always fighting with her about nothing. I've found myself connected to a new colleague that just started working with me who is younger (28) and I find more attractive. She is also in a long term relationship but things are also not working out for her but she says they are trying to make it work. I see that we have a connection and that she has feelings for me and I feelings for her. We go out to eat all the time and have dinners, spend time after work together and flirt with each other through text. I find myself making reasons to see this new girl everyday. My wife recently has noticed the changes in me and has tried to do date nights with me again and tries to work out our relationship, but I spend more time with the younger girl all the time at work and continue to flirt with her harmlessly. My question is am I a bad person? Husband? My wife thinks im working (which for most part i am) does not have any knowledge of time spent with other girl and the texts that we exchange. Should I have more respect for her relationship with her boyfriend who "try to work out" and not flirt and see her everyday? I feel like if he treated her better then she wouldn't have reason to be with me. What if she equally wants to see me and flirt back as well? I've been contemplating divorce recently with my wife. I don't know what to do. We haven't done anything physical yet between me and my colleague .

 

If you put that effort into your wife instead of this other woman, you'd be a lot happier in the long run and keep your family intact. This other woman is your ego feed and you're asking for trouble if you pursue it further.

 

You're not being a very good husband. BE a good husband by fixing what you feel is broken and communicate with your wife. Remember why you fell in love with her, married her and had children with her. Running into the arms of another woman is selfish and only going to complicate your life/marriage and what you feel towards your wife. You'll become more attached to this OW and detach from your wife.

 

To divorce and just throw away the life that you built with your wife without trying marriage counseling, would be a shame. Maybe your wife is just as unhappy as you are - Maybe she wants out, maybe she wants to stay and fix things, reconnect with you.

 

You owe it to her, your children and to yourself to give your marriage your absolute best before divorcing.

 

As for the co worker who is in a R, the OW - She is a distraction/fantasy from your current life. Don't open that door with her.

[waterwoman]

Currently you are being an appalling husband and a selfish man. Whether you choose to do anything about that is up to you but from what you wrote it doesn't much sound like you want to.

[LoverofWrestling]

I don't necessarily think you're a bad person/husband. However, maybe you should try flirting/sexting with your wife instead of with your colleague? That may recharge your relationship with her and make both of you feel better within your marriage.

[usernameisvalid]

You're doing a very bad thing and playing dumb about it. And as far as this goes ...

 

Should I have more respect for her relationship with her boyfriend who "try to work out" and not flirt and see her everyday?

 

Why are you worried about respecting her relationship if you're not worried about respecting your own?

[Midwestmissy]

I wish my husband had been the kind if man to say no to the other woman. This space isn't big enough to list what he lost as a result of his choices.

 

What I can tell you is that he desperately wants to fix our marriage now, the "problems" we had back then seem so tiny now, and that sexy (gag, she wasn't)other woman was not in fact anything of worth. He was just the guy who said yes, there were ones who said no before and after him. She's married with a pile of children. He lost the respect of our kids. Is a young beauty worth that? She will age, the respect of your kids is forever. And their beliefs about you will shatter. We watched our kids crumble in front of us. No oral sex on speed dial was worth that.

 

She's an escape right now. Honestly, the more my husband focused on the ow, the more of a witch I became because I was being discarded and I was picking up the slack for an absent parent. And I knew I wasn't wanted and it was painful. Once his needs became more important than the family, everything went to hell. And he didn't love her, they were 2 effed up people effing for 6 months and they destroyed so much with selfishness. I asked him in the aftermath to leave, because I was very happy to doubly enjoy all the things he was so willing to throw away for another woman. And that he would have a judge decide for him when he could see his own children. When the light of day hit his affair, the cockroaches scurried, and it was all so ugly to him. And not worth it.

 

You also may want to think about what is flattering about a woman who thinks so little about your vows, your family, your risks. I've never found men who hit on me as a married woman "good" - I thought they were scum to think I'd throw my family aside so easily. It's not an attribute and perhaps you need to ask yourself what this young woman stands to gain by you divorcing. Maybe she wants to take what you and your wife spent years growing. That's not attractive. Or trustworthy. People who genuinely care about you always care about your whole life, your family, your responsibilities. They make you want to do good things and be better, not lie and cheat and be a complete selfish ass.

 

If my wh could go back to where you are now he would make different decisions in a heartbeat. As it is, the problems he created require more money time and therapy than what we were dealing with before the understanding, non judgemental, just a good friend ow was placed in our marriage. He made me the enemy when in fact together they were blowing 2 families apart. No good resulted.

 

But I'm sure your situation is completely unique and different and special.

[KimJ1234]

If you put as much effort into your marriage as you do in this other woman than maybe you'd have a happy marriage.

Sounds like your making excuses to bang this woman.

 

In the end you risk your marriage, house, financial stability and the respect of your children and extended family.

 

Is this woman worth that?

 

Grow some balls and do the right thing, stay away from the temptation.

[BettyDraper]

Yes, you are a bad husband and a bad man.

 

If you were looking for reassurance that you are a decent person even though you're cheating on your wife, I seriously doubt that you are going to find that here. Just because you haven't slept with the side chick, it doesn't mean that you aren't having an affair. Your affair is emotional.

 

You're having a midlife crisis and this is your way of acting out. You're trying to confirm that you're still attractive to younger women as a way of reclaiming your own lost youth. A man who loves his wife doesn't treat her with such callous disrespect. Would you want your children to be treated this way by their spouses? I assume you would be disgusted so why would you do the same to their mother and your wife?

 

What you need to do is cut off contact with your coworker.

Take that romantic and sexual energy and channel it into your marriage where it belongs.

[Mr. Lucky]

Am I bad man?

 

No, but you're certainly doing bad things.

 

Right now you're that guy, having had too much to drink, who's about to snap in his seat belt and put his key in the ignition. The next decision you make could affect your life - and the lives of those you claim to love - for a long, long time.

 

Think long and hard...

 

Mr. Lucky

[darkmoon]

what will your children say in ten years time?

[aurelius99]

Has anyone stopped to ask if this man's wife is a good spouse, treating him with respect and fulfilling his needs?

[LargoLagg]

From my own perspective and experience, having someone like this in your life clouds your judgment when considering the decision to divorce or not.

 

Divorce, in my opinion, should be dealt with on its own terms. Are you really unhappy enough to leave even if there's nobody waiting for you on the outside? It's hard to say if you've got a nice little relationship on the side, because deep down inside, she's part of the choice.

 

That's why you're here asking these kinds of questions, rather than knowing what you really want to do.

 

I don't know if this will help you, but I'll offer it. In every marriage, there's this period where you get sick of each other. You've come to the place where you both know what each other are like, you know what you like and what you don't, and the part you don't tends to receive the most focus. You're life is not perfect, and so you squabble about the little stuff, mainly because there's no big stuff to really fight about. Call it rich people's problems.

 

It is when you reach this point that a frank and friendly talk, or series of discussions can really help. Maybe if you write down all the stuff that you dislike and that you know she dislikes, and she does the same and you compare lists, you'll see most or all of it is just day to day bull****. When my wife and I did this years ago, what we found was that each of us viewed these things as evidence of being inconsiderate of the other. It was a clash of our value systems, really. In the end, each of us changed a few things, and we also learned to live with a level of annoyance, which was a little easier when the other's motivations were more defined.

 

It's difficult to want to do this when Ms. Perfect is stroking your ego or whatever else you've let her stroke. Trust me, I know.

 

Just food for thought.

[BettyDraper]

Has anyone stopped to ask if this man's wife is a good spouse, treating him with respect and fulfilling his needs?

 

No because that's irrelevant. Having a disrespectful spouse is not an excuse to go looking for a younger side piece.

It's more sensible to work out the issues at home.

Edited November 25, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Satu]

No because that's irrelevant. Having a disrespectful spouse is not an excuse to go looking for a younger side piece.

It's more sensible to work out the issues at home.

 

I agree.

 

There is no excuse.

[NuevoYorko]

I don't know if you are a bad person but you are certainly behaving like a douche. Sorry, man, but you asked.

[Satu]

At this time, within this narrative, yes; you are a bad man.

 

Any other questions?

[Mrsomebody]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me. Coming into this i already knew how most of responses I was going to get and I do take all of what you guys said to heart. It's difficult because I can't talk to anyone close to me because I don't want them to think of me in such a negative light. I really do not want to go down this path and I have thought about how it would affect our children, family and coworkers. For some who asked, my wife is a good mother to our kids and she also is a hard worker and I love that about her. We have our differences like most, we fight about stuff around the house and things like that but I feel like the water has run dry and the OW and I have this spark that makes me feel good. Yeah reading what I wrote makes me selfish and a bad husband. What do I do? Like someone said..it's extremely difficult to face these temptations because I do see the OW so much more, we see each other at least 8 hours of the day versus seeing my wife 2 or 3 hours of the day and there's really no way to separate myself from situation unless the OW leaves. There has been some effort on my part to try not to flirt as much but one little thing and I'm triggered back to it and I can't help myself. I can tell myself I won't do anything when I'm at home and not around the OW but when we are together, all that goes out the window and temptation takes over

[Mrs. John Adams]

There is only one person we have complete control over...and that is ourselves.

 

You are not a bad person...but you certainly are making bad choices....and those choices will not only affect you...they will affect the OW...your wife ....your children....your parents....your siblings....on and on and on.

 

Infidelity is a gift that keeps on giving.....forever.

 

As a person who committed adultery 33 years ago....I speak from a voice of experience and wisdom....

 

Look at your wife through the eyes of love you looked at her on your wedding day. See the person you fell in love with....look into your heart and remember how you felt about her that day....

 

She has not changed....you have. You are looking at her through eyes of criticism and you are building a case within your heart to give yourself permission to cheat. You are dissatisfied with her....because you want to be....not because she did something terrible to make you fall out of love with her.

 

Funny how we validate within our own minds the thoughts of committing adultery. How we fool ourselves into thinking we deserve it...because our spouse is just no longer lovable.

 

You need to take a very deep introspective look at yourself....evaluate the things that are truly important to you. Put your priorities back in the proper perspectives....open your eyes to the truth....

 

it is you my friend that has changed...it is you that has moved in your relationship both with your wife and with this other woman. You moved boundaries...you moved right and wrong...because the attention...the chemistry...feels good.

 

Only you have the power to stop this before it is too late...because I assure you....there will come a day you will regret this....and you will wish with every piece of your heart that you could undo what you have done....and the reality is....it can never be undone.

 

SO please think long and hard about this....and be strong enough and love your family enough to put their needs before your own....because right now...you are being very very selfish.

 

This is not the person you really are....be the man your wife fell in love with. Treasure your family enough to get help...therapy...books....but get your head on straight before it is too late.

[understand50]

Mrsomebody,

 

I am not going to say whether you are good or bad, I think you know the answer. At the very least you are doing and behaving in a bad way towards your wife and family. The advise from Mr JA, is good and you should read it. Cheating leads to a lifetime of hurt and pain, for your wife, your kids and finally to yourself.

 

Your real question, is how to get out of the hole you have dug. You have not asked it, but this really that is what you would like to know. I have been married for over 40 plus years. I have fallen in and out of "lust" many times with women other then my wife. Here is the trick. I have never let it get to a point where the object of my "lust" is aware. It has been all in my mind, and I keep it there, as to act upon this would lead to divorce, and hurt and pain. So first rule, you have broken this, keep your thoughts of attraction in your mind, do not act upon them.

 

So going forward, recognize this for what it is, you falling in "lust" and thinking it is more then what you have with your wife. To put a stop to this, talk to your coworker, and let her know you require a professional relationship going forward, and then keep to that and only that. Be open with your wife on all contact with this woman. Meeting, meals, and so fourth. Just doing that will keep you on the straight and narrow. Spend time with your wife. Take a get away weekend. Spend time in bed. Spend time together. Remember why you fell in love with her, and imagine what life would be like if you continue on your present course.

 

For myself, I discipline myself not to let any type of "fantasy" get out of hand and cause problems, both personally with my marriage, or professionally with my career. It takes some time and discipline but you can train yourself not to fall for your "day dreams".

 

Every successful, marriage both husband and wife, learn to find a way to handle the occasional "crush" that comes along. It is not having the crush that is bad. It is the actions taken to realize the "crush". "Crushes" are just hormones, and marriage is the life long commitment. Both when you are madly in love and for the times you take each other for granted. When I have a "crush", it tells me I need to work on my relationship with my wife, and re-find the reasons I chose to her, and to be with her though out our life's.

 

Take action now. Talk to your "crush" let her know you are not in the "market" and you only need and expect a professional relationship going forward. Recommit to your wife and family and this will pass. Take this rule to heart, and you will find in the future the next attractive women that comes along and looks good, and you wonder what she would be like in bed, that your commitment to your wife will allow you to never act upon what you are thinking. Real men have discipline, and real commitment means doing right by your family and the woman you married.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Satu]

snip

*I feel like the water has run dry and the OW and I have this spark that makes me feel good.

 

No marriage is older than one day.

 

You have to make a fresh commitment every day, and you have to add a fresh infusion of love every day.

 

 

A marriage is an act of will.

 

You will it into being.

 

You sustain it through will.

 

 

Often when a marriage is floundering, its because one or both partners have forgotten to pay into it and stopped willing it into being.

 

Thats what you've done, and are doing.

 

As for your wife: No data.

 

You are pouring all the good feeling you should be investing into your wife and your marriage, into an idiotic dalliance that will never go anywhere or bear any fruit.

 

But hey, you get what you choose.

 

 

Take care.

Edited November 25, 2016 by Satu

[mrs rubble]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me. Coming into this i already knew how most of responses I was going to get and I do take all of what you guys said to heart. It's difficult because I can't talk to anyone close to me because I don't want them to think of me in such a negative light. I really do not want to go down this path and I have thought about how it would affect our children, family and coworkers. For some who asked, my wife is a good mother to our kids and she also is a hard worker and I love that about her. We have our differences like most, we fight about stuff around the house and things like that but I feel like the water has run dry and the OW and I have this spark that makes me feel good. Yeah reading what I wrote makes me selfish and a bad husband. What do I do? Like someone said..it's extremely difficult to face these temptations because I do see the OW so much more, we see each other at least 8 hours of the day versus seeing my wife 2 or 3 hours of the day and there's really no way to separate myself from situation unless the OW leaves. There has been some effort on my part to try not to flirt as much but one little thing and I'm triggered back to it and I can't help myself. I can tell myself I won't do anything when I'm at home and not around the OW but when we are together, all that goes out the window and temptation takes over

 

I have had a male friend flirting with me and sexting me for a while, both he and I are in committed relationships with other people. I sent him a text a week ago telling him, I wanted it to stop as I was like you feeling guilty.

I knew if my partner read what this OM had sent he'd flip out, I also knew that if my partner were sending things like that to another woman I would hate it.

Two days ago he text me back and asked me why I wanted it to stop, I told him that I didn't think it was fair on our partners and didn't want anyone to get hurt, he replied with thats true and fair you know I still and always will love you though aye. So now it's just purely innocent catching up betwwen us.

 

I feel so much better now, and I believe my friend has more respect for me, by stopping it.

 

Think about how you would feel if your wife was sexting and flirting with the neighbour or one of your mates and act accordingly.

[basil67]

.......For some who asked, my wife is a good mother to our kids and she also is a hard worker and I love that about her. We have our differences like most, we fight about stuff around the house and things like that but I feel like the water has run dry.....

 

All these words you've written which are focused on you and your desires.... I've snipped them out so that we can focus on the actual problem - the state of your marriage. Time to stop thinking about yourself and start to focus back on your own little family.

 

I know I'm dragging you back to your marriage issues, but this (combined with being self focused) is the root cause of the issue. It's time from some straight answers from you without diverting to discussion of the other woman.

 

Yes, most couples have differences, but fighting about it all isn't what good couples do. So I ask again, what's going on in the fights? What are the differences you're having? What is your perspective and what is her perspective? What is stopping the issues from being resolved? Tell us about the last three fights you had.

 

You say that the water has run dry. Running with the environmental metaphor.....if you want to keep water in that creek, you must both look after the environment around the creek. That creek ran dry because of neglect - and now it needs to be nurtured back to life.