Am I a bad husband? Am I bad man?

[ShatteredLady]

Saying that all men cheat is much the same as saying that all men are naturally violent & get into fights. Maybe in 'your world' but my experience is NOT like that.

 

Just because a lot of boys got into a scuffle at school doesn't mean that they will always be getting into brawls once they grow-up.

 

Just because a substantial percentage of people have cheated at some point in their life does NOT mean everyone commits adultery.

[BluesPower]

Wow, MrSomebody, did you stir up a hornets nest?

 

This may not do any good but, I am both a BS and a WS, so you may want to listen.

 

I want to be real blunt and honest with you. Basically, you just have no idea what you are talking about at all.

 

Just like many of the OW on these forums, you really have no idea what you are setting yourself up for. Further you just have no idea how much pain you will cause your wife.

 

You have been married 10 years, you think the spark is dead. Well, fact of the matter so does your wife I am betting. How would you feel to walk in unexpectedly and catch her with the super hot 20 YO lawn boy.

 

You are thinking about doing the same thing.

 

Here is the deal. You are in a rut. You and your wife are focused on everything but your relationship and your sex life.

 

It is so much easier to fix these issues and not have an affair than it is to fix them after you have an affair.

 

It is about communication. If you guys with the help of MC cannot get the relationship going the way that you want, then you could think about divorce.

 

That is the right way to do things, not the way that your mind is working right now.

[sandylee1]

If your wife did what you were doing with another man, would you consider her a bad wife?

 

Would you find it acceptable that she flirts and is attracted to the 28 year old guy round the corner and meets him for lunch?

 

Your wife is putting effort into your marriage and you're enjoying the attention of another woman.

 

Stop, before you regret it and get kniown as a cheating husband, whose children loose respect for him. Whose inlaws sneer at him and just tolerate you for the sake of their daughter/sister. While inside they view you as something on the bottom of their shoe.

 

Think about what you stand to loose.

[wmacbride]

I always find these kind sof posts somewhat puzzling. Why would anyone be willing to throw everything else in their life away for someone who has proven they are not trustworthy ( this goes for both he mm/mw and om/ow).

 

As well,I really do believe that it is incredibly and fundamentally wrong to expect someone else to basically rip someone else's heart out and cause them incredible emotional pain just because " I want to explore my feelings in the context of an affair" ( or some other similar reason).

 

there's very few other situations where anyone would find this acceptable.

[tinkerbell16]

Has anyone stopped to ask if this man's wife is a good spouse, treating him with respect and fulfilling his needs?

 

The fact that he doesn't mention that she is a horrible wife maybe? Que family destroying mid life crises affair.

 

Marriage vows are for a reason. You promise to be with her... sickness and health... forsaking ALL others.

 

Cheat, fast forward two years and you will hate the new life you created based on ego stroking.

[LonelyInsomniac]

So, your first question is about being a bad husband and a bad person.

 

Speaking in the most technical terms about the first: you have a contract. You have violated multiple terms of that contract. You have slipped enough in your duties that your partner contractor (your wife) has noticed and started doing the work of two on your marriage.

 

If you have kids, the kids probably aren't saying anything: but they know or will know. I will never forget my father getting defensive about talking to my [single and looking] math teacher, or the way he talked about women. It doesn't take much to officially cross those lines.

 

If you were a plumber, you would be fired. So, technically speaking: yes, you are a bad husband.

 

The obligations of being a good man vary much more from culture to culture and person to person. It reflects poorly on you that you seem to be obliviously pulling your entire family through the wringer for some instant gratification, but there are bigger flaws. There are smaller flaws, too.

 

I believe you asked what to do to be a good husband again. Hate to break this to you, but that's up to your betrayed wife and kids now: not you.

 

What you can do is start working on reconciliation. This means some hard self-reflection, full disclosure of what you've done and what you wanted to do, why you did it (without blaming the victim, your wife, here), and what you're willing to do to stop this behavior and prevent it in the future.

 

A heartfelt apology is a good place to start.

 

If she can forgive your betrayal, congratulations. It's time to make sure you never forget why you love(d) this woman. Make yourself (and her) reminders. She's probably going to feel pretty unlovable after having been emotionally replaced, however temporarily.

 

Write her love letters/emails. Initiate dates. When you're feeling annoyed with her, remember how faithful she's always been to you. Reflect on the things you two used to do to keep the spark alive. Do them again - for her and only her.

 

Get a new job, and never talk to your affair partner again. No, really. Work affairs are the equivalent of ****ting in your drinking water. Stop drinking that ****, and more importantly: stop forcing your family to drink that ****. There's no such thing as a platonic relationship with a former affair partner. Alcoholics can't have "just one drink," nor can cheaters have "just one conversation." You have a problem. Admitting it is the first step to fixing it.

 

You may also want to inform your affair partner's boyfriend of this dalliance. He deserves to know, and to be able to make an informed decision about how much heartache he's willing to endure.

 

Your wife may be angry. She might just be grateful you told her before it got physical. She might leave. Remember that these are all reasonable reactions.

 

Don't assume your kids are dumb. If you two begin working on rebuilding after your affair, and your wife thinks they should know: own up to it. Teach them how to own up to and fix their mistakes rather than hiding them.

 

Tell your coworker it's over. Have that be the last interaction, ever.

 

Best of luck, and may you have the courage to do the right things. It is not an easy path.

[CommittedToThis]

So now it's just purely innocent catching up betwwen us.

 

So good to know you're not a cheater.

[BoaConstrictor]

As someone who is struggling with extra-marital attraction and extricating myself from my own EA, I don't think looking at yourself as a bad person is going to help you. In my case, I've had to work on my "programming" that has led to a lot of spiraling problems and self-loathing. The reason to work on that type of dualistic thinking (that there are "good" and "bad" people) is because thinking of the world in such a way is that it just doesn't help. In my case it is leading me to spiral further into the emotions and the unhealthy relationship.

 

You are a person who has the capacity to make healthy and unhealthy choices. If you want to remain married to your wife for another 10 years, then you are making an unhealthy choice. Even if you want to divorce her and move on with someone else, this is still an unhealthy way to go about that.

 

In essence, I'm trying to extricate "good" and "bad" from my emotional vocabulary right now and just focus on my end goals, which is to stay married to my husband. What steps can I take to do that? That's what I'm focusing on, and maybe later when I have more distance from this whole ****storm, I can begin to think again in traditional moral terms. But for now, those labels are making the situation worse.

[Regretful one]

I haven't gone through and read the comments or advice from other posters here. You have no doubt received some great advice and probably some criticism as well. All I wanted to say was that what you are involved with is such a slippery slope. Things happen slowly and a slow fade into it becoming more than what it is currently can easily happen.

 

Few unfaithful set out intentionally to hurt their wives. Few want to ruin their marriage and risk everything they hold dear. You posting here shows that you have reservations about doing anything more that what you have done. BUT I had similar reservations yet over time I slipped and made terrible terrible choices that has cost a lot. My wife is unfortunately dealing with pain that is unimaginable because of what I have done. There isn't a day I don't wish I could go back in time and make different decisions. You are not a bad person. I am not a bad person - I made bad decisions. My infidelity doesn't define me but it sure has created a lot of pain.

 

My advice is to run. Run FAST and hard from this relationship. Do whatever it takes to guard your heart and prevent you from even thinking about this other woman. Invest every minute you have and all your energy into your wife/marriage. Make it your mission to be a hero to your wife. Love her without condition. Don't make the mistake I made. Run.