Dating Concerns

[QueenDeath]

I haven't been on here in a long time, I've gotten rather busy with college and I finally landed a job! this happened a few weeks ago for me. So there's that. Anyways, I'm wondering if my concerns should be actual concerns if that makes sense.

 

I was born in a very religious household, Christian. I was a Christian for a few years up until 18-19 years old. I've had some terrible experiences with Christianity, I made a foolish decision to come out to my mom (I know, shame on me, I thought I could have trusted her to that degree with things, which probably sounds bad on my behalf for saying that I don't trust her to that degree with things) anywho, I came out to my mother on two things - being a non believer and my sexuality, which resulted in her saying I believe in the devil kicked me out the house twice to only have her beg me to come back. Now she thinks it was a phase and I'm over that phase. Jokes on her though.

 

Now with that little background information (I didn't want to spend the whole thread talking about just that lol) out the way, when it comes to dating my mom is so hell bent in me dating someone that's "godly" and honestly when it comes to dating I don't seek out the believers, I don't stop talking to someone because they are a non believer or of a different belief. I honestly don't care on matters of that. I don't care if someone goes to church every Sunday or doesn't go every Sunday, they only go for the major holidays. I don't care if the person is a believer but isn't religious. I'm trying to practice my own belief I guess you could say of just loving others despite whatever differences.

 

My mom on the other hand really wants me to be with a Christian, I'm worried that my mom would try to get in the way of my future relationships when it comes to romance. I figured that since I'm 21 now I could at least,I don't know stand up to her I guess you could say about me dating someone that isn't religious, unless the person I'm talking to has a legitimate red flag, I'm not going to stop dating someone because they aren't religious or they are apart of a different belief system. I'm concerned that would just lead to arguments and I'm so tired of that, it's draining overall and it's just toxic. I'm also worried my mom would make threats like she did before in the past (which I don't want to get into for own sake)

 

I'm wondering if anyone on here had that experience with their parents and how did you go about it. Also, advice is very much appreciated and just some thoughts.

[DK_Casus]

No, my parents would never curtail my freedom like that - and even if they did, I would never let them.

 

I'm sure this isn't of any help to you - but I'm as certain as I've been of anything in my life that you should do what your heart and mind tells you to do - and don't ever let anyone control your life.

 

Ultimately it's your life and anyone who can't respect that needs to have zero influence over it.

[Nowty V]

I'm wondering if anyone on here had that experience with their parents and how did you go about it. Also, advice is very much appreciated and just some thoughts.

 

You have to be true to yourself in order for you to be 'authentic'. If you are not able to be your authentic self you may suffer all sorts of confusion and upset.

 

You can not live your life through your Mum's ideals as you would be unhappy, you can only live your own ideals.

 

You should respect your Mum and look for the positive things in your relationship to avoid disharmony.

 

I have been looking at the Christian TV channels of late and the overall message appears to be that they are just waiting for the trumpet to sound the end of days and the appearance of a prophet.

 

It would be a great loss if your relationship with your Mum deteriorated, but it may be that you won't be happy under her roof living her ways.

 

Your contentment may come with your liberty, when you are able to afford your own place and not be a financial burden on your parents.

 

Don't do anything hasty, love your Mum, respect the love she has for you. Sometimes the love of a parent can give them such an emotional investment in the child that their opinions appears unhelpful or unkind. Your Mum is just scared for you in a World that looks very scary to her.

 

Don't abandon your spirituality and be aware of evil around you.

 

Be you, Be kind

[salparadise]

My suggestion would be for you to understand that this is a big deal to your Mom and that she was genuinely upset. That doesn't make her right of course, it just means that you acknowledge her right to her beliefs as you wish she would for you. None of this has to be discussed at length –– just express love and appreciation for each other through your mother/daughter relationship and leave religion out of it.

 

As far as dating goes, you're 21 and you don't need anyone's approval to date whomever you choose. If your Mom keep on trying to select people for you based on the religious test, you may need to ask her quit and let you be an adult... which means making your own choices.

 

For parents who are reluctant to let go, something the child has to set and enforce new boundaries. Sidestepping issues that cause turmoil is not bad way to handle it, assuming you both sort of have an understanding.

[turnera]

My mom held on to my house until the month I graduated high school. Then told me that she sold the house and was moving away. I had two weeks to find a full-time job and a place to live, or I could move away to the middle of nowhere with her. I didn't go with her because I had a boyfriend, who was not a great guy, and who convinced me that if I left, he wouldn't wait around for me. So I stayed. And I went on to find a job, get my own place, live on my own, scrape by, and basically not have much of anything to do with my mom for the next 3 years. And I survived. She survived. And when I was older and better able to handle it, I reconnected to her, as equals. As adults. She never did obtain the feeling that she had the right to tell me how to live my life.

 

What seems to be missing in your life is your ability to believe that YOU are an adult and you are an EQUAL to her.

 

Meaning what?

 

Meaning from now on, she has no ability to tell you how to live your life.

 

I remember those days, I remember being scared to not live up to her expectations. I remember being scared when I was 30 about having sex and her knowing about it - and I'd been married 9 years by then!

 

It's going to take a while for you to really feel like an adult, especially around your parents. But it's your right of passage. You'll get there.

[turnera]

For parents who are reluctant to let go, something the child has to set and enforce new boundaries. Sidestepping issues that cause turmoil is not bad way to handle it, assuming you both sort of have an understanding.

My DD is 26. I've had to push her all along the way to stand up to me! And moreso, to her father. To her, it's her father who she fears judging her, not me. To you, I take it that it's your mother.

 

Psychologically, the parent who judges, who withholds approval or support, is the one the child most desperately needs to prove themselves to. That's the parent the child craves approval from.

 

But it's not a young adult's job to gain approval any more. It's a young adult's job to SHOW her parents that she's learned the right lessons, knows how to do the right thing, and WILL succeed on her own because it's now HER job to make her choices. Not her parents'.

 

Sometimes it's hard for the parents to let go. Especially if they've been raised themselves to be close-minded as is often in certain Christian environments.

 

The best thing you can do is show her, through your good works and good life, that you KNOW how to be a good person and live a good life and that - even though it's not the life SHE would choose - it's the right one for you. And for that, she can - should - be happy for you.