Rug sweeping or a different way

[Red123]

I don't know what I think about this situation. Husband has affair wife agrees to reconcile. Things appear to go well for a year. Wife finds out he has a second affair. When caught he ends affair immediately and tells wife he believes the marriage is perfect, she did nothing wrong but that there is something wrong with him, he immediately calls their MC and books in for an IC appt. he asks for time to get help. Both agree they don't know if this can be salvaged as he has really ruined everything.

 

He asked that they spend time together and reconnect without the pressure of deciding whether or not to reconcile. He doesn't know if the right thing is for them to stay married, but says that is what he truly wants. Wife is considering setting this aside and while he gets help and seeing where it goes. They have had lots of talks and he says she can talk anytime she wants with him.

 

This is a really different way to handle this but I don't think it sounds that crazy, she really wants some peace and is seriously considering this. I haven't heard of anyone doing it this way but I don't think it's wrong. Do you think this is rugs weeping or a different way to get through a bad situation?

[l8estnews]

Are you part of this story, Red? Are you the OW?

 

If I was the wife, the hubby will be in the streets. You know what they say about "fool me once shame on you thing." I really believe that rule. However, people are wired differently. If these people are trying to work their marriage by doing this, who are we to judge if this will work or not?

[Mr. Lucky]

When caught he ends affair immediately and tells wife he believes the marriage is perfect, she did nothing wrong but that there is something wrong with him, he immediately calls their MC and books in for an IC appt. he asks for time to get help.

 

Just a different form of cake eating. Having gotten what he thought he wanted from the affair, he now wants to seamlessly step back into the marriage.

 

If a "perfect" marriage can't bond him, I wouldn't hold much hope for the future...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladydesigner]

I don't know what I think about this situation. Husband has affair wife agrees to reconcile. Things appear to go well for a year. Wife finds out he has a second affair. When caught he ends affair immediately and tells wife he believes the marriage is perfect, she did nothing wrong but that there is something wrong with him, he immediately calls their MC and books in for an IC appt. he asks for time to get help. Both agree they don't know if this can be salvaged as he has really ruined everything.

 

He asked that they spend time together and reconnect without the pressure of deciding whether or not to reconcile. He doesn't know if the right thing is for them to stay married, but says that is what he truly wants. Wife is considering setting this aside and while he gets help and seeing where it goes. They have had lots of talks and he says she can talk anytime she wants with him.

 

This is a really different way to handle this but I don't think it sounds that crazy, she really wants some peace and is seriously considering this. I haven't heard of anyone doing it this way but I don't think it's wrong. Do you think this is rugs weeping or a different way to get through a bad situation?

 

Subsequent Ddays and second A's are the death knell to a M, ask me how I know?

 

Then add rug sweeping into the mix, sounds like a disaster in the making to me. Maybe they will make it, but the odds are not in their favor.

[Red123]

Are you part of this story, Red? Are you the OW?

 

If I was the wife, the hubby will be in the streets. You know what they say about "fool me once shame on you thing." I really believe that rule. However, people are wired differently. If these people are trying to work their marriage by doing this, who are we to judge if this will work or not?

 

No. I am not the Ow or part of this.

[Red123]

Just a different form of cake eating. Having gotten what he thought he wanted from the affair, he now wants to seamlessly step back into the marriage.

 

If a "perfect" marriage can't bond him, I wouldn't hold much hope for the future...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree. But he isn't asking to reconcile according to him. He says he wants to get help to figure himself out but in the meantime he wants to spend time connecting with his wife. He really believes he has killed the marriage and says he hates himself(he's the person I am being told the story from). Maybe he has some serious issues that if he gets help with he could be a good man. I don't know. I thought he was a good man until all of this came out.

[Mr. Lucky]

But he isn't asking to reconcile according to him. He says he wants to get help to figure himself out but in the meantime he wants to spend time connecting with his wife.

 

How is wanting to spend time "connecting" with your BS not asking to reconcile?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Red123]

How is wanting to spend time "connecting" with your BS not asking to reconcile?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Fair enough. He's just not wording it that way. He says he can't ask her to reconcile. The worst part is they have such a cool relationship or so we all thought, they appear to have a strong bond. Anyways he's family so that's why I am wondering what others think. I don't really know how to respond to him. He knows about my life, that's probably why he talked to me.

Edited November 25, 2016 by Red123
Missed word

[afoolto no end]

maybe he just doesn't want to deal with it all again, it is easier putting her on hold.

conflict avoider, has that been an issue for them?

twice is to much to ask forgiveness for, he needs IC and maybe in the meantime he should be alone until he figures himself out....

so he stops hurting her ......

[Mumbles]

Need a lot more back story I think.

 

The big thing that comes to my mind is -why- he had these affairs? Something is missing in his life that is compelling him to go outside the marriage. If you believe him at face value, and he still loves his wife and wants the marriage to continue, then what was the driver to send him outside?

 

For some men, me included during my first marriage, it was lack of physical intimacy. I never cheated on my first wife, but lack of sex finished the marriage eventually - which was a shame because pretty much all the other aspects of it were good, great even.

 

The fact that this husband is seeking affairs, and not simply sex, leads me to think that something else important to him is lacking. If it were simply sex he'd be out seeking escorts ... and perhaps he is doing this (?) we'd need to know or strongly suspect before giving any real opinion on the rest of the relationship.

[oldshirt]

This is just word wrangling to try to confuse everyone like swirling a laser pointer around to dazzle cars.

 

This is just simple cake eating. He wants the stability and security of a marriage and to have the fun and excitement of banging other chicks.

 

He is simply sweet talking and using smoke and mirrors to keep the wife from extricating herself from the mix.

 

There is nothing different or unusual here.

[Red123]

maybe he just doesn't want to deal with it all again, it is easier putting her on hold.

conflict avoider, has that been an issue for them?

twice is to much to ask forgiveness for, he needs IC and maybe in the meantime he should be alone until he figures himself out....

so he stops hurting her ......

 

I believe he is very conflict avoidant.

[Red123]

Need a lot more back story I think.

 

The big thing that comes to my mind is -why- he had these affairs? Something is missing in his life that is compelling him to go outside the marriage. If you believe him at face value, and he still loves his wife and wants the marriage to continue, then what was the driver to send him outside?

 

For some men, me included during my first marriage, it was lack of physical intimacy. I never cheated on my first wife, but lack of sex finished the marriage eventually - which was a shame because pretty much all the other aspects of it were good, great even.

 

The fact that this husband is seeking affairs, and not simply sex, leads me to think that something else important to him is lacking. If it were simply sex he'd be out seeking escorts ... and perhaps he is doing this (?) we'd need to know or strongly suspect before giving any real opinion on the rest of the relationship.

 

I don't have much more information. I asked if sex with his wife was good. He said it's good. I'm guessing he is going to IC to figure out why he does this. My question wasn't really about if they will make it, it was more about the way they are handling this and what people think.

[oldshirt]

This is just word wrangling to try to confuse everyone like swirling a laser pointer around to dazzle cars.

 

 

Dang autocorrect, I meant to say using a laser to dazzle cats.

 

Often times a WS doing a song and dance with big words and teary-eyed pleas has the same effect as swirling a laser irratically around a cat.

 

If you bombard them with enough stimulation and confuse them enough, they just sit there and take no action. BS's often do the same thing if they are bombarded with enough confusing information. They will just sit there bewildered and not taking action.

 

It is always in the WS's best interest if the BS takes no action and maintains the status quo. If the BS can be kept in a state of inaction, the WS will continue to reap the benefits and comforts of marriage without the costs and hardships of separation/divorce.

 

The end goal of 95% of cheaters is caking eating and extra poon, with no extra costs or hardships.

 

If they can dazzle the BS in to no action, it is to their benefit.

[elaine567]

He knows if he pushes for a second reconciliation then he may scare her off, so he is manipulating the situation to get his own way.

Oldshirt is right this is just misdirection, his aim to to keep what he has by confusing his wife.

By taking reconciliation off the table he puts the thought into her head that she may lose him, and when most people think they are losing something they want to fight for it.

By saying there is something wrong with him that he needs to fix, he gets the sympathy vote.

He is no longer some horny guy taking advantage, and cake eating, he is the tragic hero who is "ill", he needs help and he needs to take himself off to recuperate... I guess with his eye looking behind him to see if she is following...

 

False reconciliations are incredibly cruel and IMO it takes a special kind of person to do that.

[Married1988]

Subsequent Ddays and second A's are the death knell to a M, ask me how I know?

 

Then add rug sweeping into the mix, sounds like a disaster in the making to me. Maybe they will make it, but the odds are not in their favor.

 

My husband and I had been together for 31 years and he had one affair emotional/physical that lasted approximately half a year and I'm complementing divorce. If he cheated again, I couldn't even imagine doing anything other then pulling the plug. But that is just me.

[Mr Blunt]

If he gets the right help and he follows the right advice and takes the right actions then he will get a lot better….Thousands of men and women have gotten a lot better after infidelity with the formula mentioned…if he cops out on any of the two then he will continue to be a failure in marriage.

[cocorico]

 

I haven't heard of anyone doing it this way but I don't think it's wrong. Do you think this is rugs weeping or a different way to get through a bad situation?

 

There is at least one BS on these boards following a similar strategy, so it's not unheard of. Might it work? Time will tell.

[seren]

Hi Red, If, as the person has shared with you, feels the problem lies with him, then until he sorts out what the problem is that has him look for affairs, then al the reconciling in the world won't matter a jot. If he sees himself as not worthy, then he might very well believe his wife deserves better. Maybe she knows him better than he knows himself and sees the man he wants and she wants him to be and maybe not, who knows?

 

Most relationships look good on the surface, most really are just the same as the rest, good days, bad days, some are worth the long haul others not so much. The BS must see something worth waiting for if she is prepared to work with him after 2 D Days. One all but finished me off, I wouldn't and couldn't go through another. To throw some perspective on things, I will share what my H told me.

 

We had the poster marriage, loved, laughed, liked each other so very much for a long, long time. Everyone wanted a marriage like ours. Then he told me he had, had an 8 month affair and the world imploded. The affair wasn't how I imagined affairs to be, it was all very tawdry, very destructive, no romance, no flowers, meals away times, just snatched moments in the worse motel and not a great deal of sex as H couldn't do it. When I asked H why he said he felt not good enough, that he felt I deserved better and so the affair began as a sort of weird self fulfilling prophecy. By that I mean, I feel a bad person, I am not good enough, I am having an affair with a woman I wouldn't speak to normally, it is all I deserve, I am a bad person I don't deserve my life or happy marriage, my wife deserves better.

 

H has PTSD and combat stress from a very bad experience in Iraq. Couple that with me having cancer and he felt totally useless, not able to do anything good. he felt a bad person and that i could find and be happier with someone else who could 'fix' things. None of which makes any sense, but he wasn't thinking with a sensible head at that time. He truly changed.

 

Since the affair and counselling he is gradually coming to terms with the affair, with his betrayal of not only us, but of himself and maybe your friend also feels he isn't worth his wife, that she deserves better, that he is afraid of hurting her again or maybe he is a class bull******* his wife obviously thinks there is more to it than him getting his kicks. What do you think?

 

I think they both need to go to MC and he to IC, It is 9 yrs since our D Day, H still struggles to reconcile himself with THAT man, I try to tell him he is more than just an 8 month fling, that I forgive. Maybe he needs to address what makes him want to destroy his relationship and maybe it is just excuses, until he faces it head on he will never know. People are so complex and punish themselves in all manner of ways that we might not understand as we don't walk in their shoes. I hope he finds peace and that it works out, either by leaving or working on reconciliation, it isn't easy. I doubt his wife is rug sweeping, maybe she sees the good man she knew and knows is in their someplace.

[Red123]

Hi Red, If, as the person has shared with you, feels the problem lies with him, then until he sorts out what the problem is that has him look for affairs, then al the reconciling in the world won't matter a jot. If he sees himself as not worthy, then he might very well believe his wife deserves better. Maybe she knows him better than he knows himself and sees the man he wants and she wants him to be and maybe not, who knows?

 

Most relationships look good on the surface, most really are just the same as the rest, good days, bad days, some are worth the long haul others not so much. The BS must see something worth waiting for if she is prepared to work with him after 2 D Days. One all but finished me off, I wouldn't and couldn't go through another. To throw some perspective on things, I will share what my H told me.

 

We had the poster marriage, loved, laughed, liked each other so very much for a long, long time. Everyone wanted a marriage like ours. Then he told me he had, had an 8 month affair and the world imploded. The affair wasn't how I imagined affairs to be, it was all very tawdry, very destructive, no romance, no flowers, meals away times, just snatched moments in the worse motel and not a great deal of sex as H couldn't do it. When I asked H why he said he felt not good enough, that he felt I deserved better and so the affair began as a sort of weird self fulfilling prophecy. By that I mean, I feel a bad person, I am not good enough, I am having an affair with a woman I wouldn't speak to normally, it is all I deserve, I am a bad person I don't deserve my life or happy marriage, my wife deserves better.

 

H has PTSD and combat stress from a very bad experience in Iraq. Couple that with me having cancer and he felt totally useless, not able to do anything good. he felt a bad person and that i could find and be happier with someone else who could 'fix' things. None of which makes any sense, but he wasn't thinking with a sensible head at that time. He truly changed.

 

Since the affair and counselling he is gradually coming to terms with the affair, with his betrayal of not only us, but of himself and maybe your friend also feels he isn't worth his wife, that she deserves better, that he is afraid of hurting her again or maybe he is a class bull******* his wife obviously thinks there is more to it than him getting his kicks. What do you think?

 

I think they both need to go to MC and he to IC, It is 9 yrs since our D Day, H still struggles to reconcile himself with THAT man, I try to tell him he is more than just an 8 month fling, that I forgive. Maybe he needs to address what makes him want to destroy his relationship and maybe it is just excuses, until he faces it head on he will never know. People are so complex and punish themselves in all manner of ways that we might not understand as we don't walk in their shoes. I hope he finds peace and that it works out, either by leaving or working on reconciliation, it isn't easy. I doubt his wife is rug sweeping, maybe she sees the good man she knew and knows is in their someplace.

Thank you for the thoughtful post. What your saying sounds a lot like what he is saying to me. I don't believe he has PTSD, but I do know that he has a lot of emotional issues never dealt with. He actually said that he is garbage and all he sees is a pos when he looks in the mirror. I am going to get him to read your post next time I see him. Thank you

[Married1988]

I'm finding it hard enough to forgive and reconcile with my husband after one affair. If he were to have another, he'd be out the door, and divorce papers delivered. No Question Asked.