Fiance Texting Coworker... ?!

[nightfox]

Okay, here's a little background: I have been in an 8-year relationship (engaged for two of those years) with my fiance. He just returned to work after an injury, this past summer, and was promoted to a supervisory position in a short time.

 

About two months ago, he was ordered to go to an alcohol intervention class as part of a reckless op charge he received. Note: My fiance does not drink regularly; however, on the night in question, he just finished a 16-hour shift and had one shot of dark liquor at home. He decided to get some fuel so he wouldn't have to the following morning, and the rest is history.

 

Anyway, he told me that the first night they'd be at this program, he would call/text me and let me know how everything was going and just to talk, in general. Well, long story short, I never received a call/text on his first night, he texted me the following morning briefly, and then dropped his phone in the pool on accident and was unable to call me until after he got a new phone that Sunday (this was a weekend program). I did not think anything of this until....

 

I was on Facebook one evening and a suggestion popped up about liking something my fiance did. It was a picture of a woman with next-to-nothing on and not only did he like it, he made a comment like "Dammnnn!" So, I was shocked, to say the least, because my fiance is usually so reserved and respectful. I thought it might be an isolated event, but I was VERY wrong. I snooped and I know I was wrong but it confirmed ALOT. Not only did he say/like other women's pictures but he did so ALOT with women that he told me a while ago were just friends. I don't get why you would need to ogle FRIENDS' pictures??!

 

This all made me suspicious about whether he really wasn't in contact with anyone else while at the alcohol intervention program, too. Well, he was, with two women, in fact---a coworker and longtime female friend. I pondered why a coworker would be texting him while she was at work?? What could he possibly say to help her while he was there??? They do have replacements! Why couldn't she ask them whatever it was To make matters worse, she texted him off/on for 7 hours!

 

I brought this all to his attention which he explained away, of course. When he got to his coworker, though, he kept saying that she was texting about work and the replacement wasn't any help to his team so he was answering their questions. When I pointed out that SHE was the only one texting him, he began to get defensive and say 'why would I invade his privacy like that,' 'he has to be able to talk to his team,' 'she's not the only one he talks to,' etc. We aired everything out, eventually, but I found myself not really trusting him.

 

Much later this month, he even let me know about one of their recent interactions. He told me that he went into work one day after an argument we had and she wanted to know what was wrong with him. He told her 'nothing.' Then, [he] went on to say that 'I was uncomfortable with her texting him.' She became concerned because she didn't want to make me uncomfortable but needed to talk to him while on the job and didn't know how, without texting. I felt betrayed because they're having personal conversations at work about our arguments and he could find another way to communicate but doesn't want to (hint: work email).

 

Fast forward to a couple nights ago, he had a malfunction with his phone (again! those damn Samsungs!! ) and she texted whether she should text him on Facebook or his phone. He deleted this text. The next night (an hour after their shift ended. He was supposed to work over but decided against it), she texted why he left work. He responded saying he was tired. He deleted this text. Then, the next night (an hour after their shift ended), she texted did he get a new phone. He replied that he did. She texted 'so when were you going to tell me?' He responded that he thought she knew. He deleted this text. I was dumbfounded to say the least because why is he deleting these texts and why does he HAVE to tell her that he got a new phone??

 

I screenshot everything and sent it to him. He was upset but this time wanted to talk about it. He said it hurts him that I don't trust him and that he would never jeopardize our relationship. He kept saying that he only talks to her about work things and that I have nothing to worry about. He told me about a couple of instances where they talked about her pending career in dental hygiene and a guy that was harassing her at work. (Why am I hearing about all of this stuff now, though???) I feel at this point, maybe I should start believing him or leave him. I don't have anymore energy to hound him about this issue. Any thoughts?

[VeveCakes]

Hes lying and most likely cheating.

 

He is trying to back off from the other woman now because you caught on.

 

Are you sure he is going to that place on the weekend and not to another womans home?

[nightfox]

I don't know whether he is going to her house or not. We do not live together and have about a twenty-minute distance between us. We see each other regularly on the weekend, so I just don't know if he has been going to work or to see her.

[VeveCakes]

You've already seen the texts.

 

I will tell you %100 those are not work place texts.

 

You have all you need to know. I would leave this relationship if I were you.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I feel at this point, maybe I should start believing him or leave him. I don't have anymore energy to hound him about this issue. Any thoughts?

 

No, your option is not to give in or leave him. If you are not going to leave him, then you need to NOT LET HIM GET AWAY with this BS behavior! He's your fiance. Do you have the means to contact this other lady? Personally, I would contact her and ask her what her business with your bf is.

 

Your bf/fiance is up to something bad. He's trying to hide his tracks...

[l8estnews]

If I were you, I am done with the snooping, I will leave him. I mean, you're tired right? Why do another digging when you will eventually find out what you know from the start?

 

LOL. relationships.. I will really never get it.

[Poutrew]

Be thankful he is only your fiancé and not your husband. He is cheating on you, the only unknown is if it is physical or emotional. Does it matter? He makes you feel bad in your gut for a reason - trust your gut.

[smackie9]

I had to read your post twice and TBH I don't see any concrete evidence that he is cheating or whatever. So he's not allowed friendships with the opposite sex?

 

There is no flirting, or "I miss you" texts. They seem pretty generic. So he's a guy with hormones....tho inappropriate to make that comment on the photo, this was done publicly not privately. He's just being an idiot.

 

BTW when you are a supervisor you do get texts in your off hours from an employee or two. Me and my boss text each other quite a bit even when we are off, or on vacation and at odd hours late at night about work, and sometimes random personal crap. If my husband accused me that something was going on I would just flippin lose it.

 

If he is hiding/lying/deleting is because you easily jump to conclusions. That's just my take on it.

 

Before you send him sailing, get some real proof, like she is at his place or they are out together for dinner or some sexy texts or he sent her a pic of his junk.

[smackie9]

Final note......the only thing that concerns me is that you two are not married after being together for 8 years, a two year engagement and not even living together....who is dragging their heels here? Has a date been set yet? The flowers picked out? Dress purchased? Down payment on a hall?

Edited November 26, 2016 by smackie9

[Space Ritual]

Okay, here's a little background: I have been in an 8-year relationship (engaged for two of those years) with my fiance. He just returned to work after an injury, this past summer, and was promoted to a supervisory position in a short time.

 

About two months ago, he was ordered to go to an alcohol intervention class as part of a reckless op charge he received. Note: My fiance does not drink regularly; however, on the night in question, he just finished a 16-hour shift and had one shot of dark liquor at home. He decided to get some fuel so he wouldn't have to the following morning, and the rest is history.

 

Anyway, he told me that the first night they'd be at this program, he would call/text me and let me know how everything was going and just to talk, in general. Well, long story short, I never received a call/text on his first night, he texted me the following morning briefly, and then dropped his phone in the pool on accident and was unable to call me until after he got a new phone that Sunday (this was a weekend program). I did not think anything of this until....

 

I was on Facebook one evening and a suggestion popped up about liking something my fiance did. It was a picture of a woman with next-to-nothing on and not only did he like it, he made a comment like "Dammnnn!" So, I was shocked, to say the least, because my fiance is usually so reserved and respectful. I thought it might be an isolated event, but I was VERY wrong. I snooped and I know I was wrong but it confirmed ALOT. Not only did he say/like other women's pictures but he did so ALOT with women that he told me a while ago were just friends. I don't get why you would need to ogle FRIENDS' pictures??!

 

This all made me suspicious about whether he really wasn't in contact with anyone else while at the alcohol intervention program, too. Well, he was, with two women, in fact---a coworker and longtime female friend. I pondered why a coworker would be texting him while she was at work?? What could he possibly say to help her while he was there??? They do have replacements! Why couldn't she ask them whatever it was To make matters worse, she texted him off/on for 7 hours!

 

I brought this all to his attention which he explained away, of course. When he got to his coworker, though, he kept saying that she was texting about work and the replacement wasn't any help to his team so he was answering their questions. When I pointed out that SHE was the only one texting him, he began to get defensive and say 'why would I invade his privacy like that,' 'he has to be able to talk to his team,' 'she's not the only one he talks to,' etc. We aired everything out, eventually, but I found myself not really trusting him.

 

Much later this month, he even let me know about one of their recent interactions. He told me that he went into work one day after an argument we had and she wanted to know what was wrong with him. He told her 'nothing.' Then, [he] went on to say that 'I was uncomfortable with her texting him.' She became concerned because she didn't want to make me uncomfortable but needed to talk to him while on the job and didn't know how, without texting. I felt betrayed because they're having personal conversations at work about our arguments and he could find another way to communicate but doesn't want to (hint: work email).

 

Fast forward to a couple nights ago, he had a malfunction with his phone (again! those damn Samsungs!! ) and she texted whether she should text him on Facebook or his phone. He deleted this text. The next night (an hour after their shift ended. He was supposed to work over but decided against it), she texted why he left work. He responded saying he was tired. He deleted this text. Then, the next night (an hour after their shift ended), she texted did he get a new phone. He replied that he did. She texted 'so when were you going to tell me?' He responded that he thought she knew. He deleted this text. I was dumbfounded to say the least because why is he deleting these texts and why does he HAVE to tell her that he got a new phone??

 

I screenshot everything and sent it to him. He was upset but this time wanted to talk about it. He said it hurts him that I don't trust him and that he would never jeopardize our relationship. He kept saying that he only talks to her about work things and that I have nothing to worry about. He told me about a couple of instances where they talked about her pending career in dental hygiene and a guy that was harassing her at work. (Why am I hearing about all of this stuff now, though???) I feel at this point, maybe I should start believing him or leave him. I don't have anymore energy to hound him about this issue. Any thoughts?

 

 

Jesus H. Christ, NightFox, He is so full of crap his teeth are floating.

 

1. You did not invade his privacy, you invaded his secrecy. You have been together for 8 years so he ought to know better than doing something out of his routine. He had to know that you would easily pick that up.

 

2. As a recovering alcoholic/drug addict with over 20 years of sobriety I'll be the first to tell you that court ordered alcohol programs are a joke. Nothing more than people embellishing the reasons they are there. I certainly do not buy the one drink after a 16 hour shift business. Unless of course he has a second job as a Fire Breathing Circus Side Show act, and swilling alcohol in his mouth for hours on end to blow fire for delighted circus goers.

 

Who are you engaged to? Shakes the Clown?

 

But I digress....

 

Fact is that your fiance's actions do not line up with his words. That whole story about this co worker feeling bad about contacting him is a deflection tactic to gaslight you and throw you off. Kind of like when somebody goes overboard and tells you without prompting how they would never be interested in a person because they are either jerks, fat , ugly, or "not my type".

 

Usually when that diatribe is trotted out rest assured that they are indeed their type.

 

I agree with Smackie about the length of time you have been together and how this simply does not bode well for your relationship.

 

I think petty much all of the people that have responded thus far are in agreement that your fiancee is a liar at best, and a cheater at worst. As the stories he floats out there become more and more absurd to you, there is a reason why they are so.

 

I'm a cretin of the lowest order yet even I can see that he is full of shyte.

 

Do yourself a favor and get rid of him. Like Today. I would not put up with that from anyone for 2 seconds, and either should you.

 

Good Luck.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Final note......the only thing that concerns me is that you two are not married after being together for 8 years, a two year engagement and not even living together....who is dragging their heels here? Has a date been set yet? The flowers picked out? Dress purchased? Down payment on a hall?

 

Exactly... example 12,479 why you need to live together before getting engaged/married

 

I think his behavior is suspicious

[frus69]

So what was the texts all about? Did they say anything inappropriate? Why omitted the most important info?

[ElizabethIII]

I had to read your post twice and TBH I don't see any concrete evidence that he is cheating or whatever. So he's not allowed friendships with the opposite sex?

 

There is no flirting, or "I miss you" texts. They seem pretty generic. So he's a guy with hormones....tho inappropriate to make that comment on the photo, this was done publicly not privately. He's just being an idiot.

 

BTW when you are a supervisor you do get texts in your off hours from an employee or two. Me and my boss text each other quite a bit even when we are off, or on vacation and at odd hours late at night about work, and sometimes random personal crap. If my husband accused me that something was going on I would just flippin lose it.

 

If he is hiding/lying/deleting is because you easily jump to conclusions. That's just my take on it.

 

Before you send him sailing, get some real proof, like she is at his place or they are out together for dinner or some sexy texts or he sent her a pic of his junk.

 

I have to say, I had something going on with a co-worker once. We were both single so it was fine. The texts werent like that. he was asking me if I was dating anyone and if I wasnt, had I thought about him in that way, etc. There was a great deal of mutual interest in both our lives too. asking things.

 

As Smackie says those texts are generic. Telling her a phone crashed. Well she wasnt telling him how much she enjoyed their evening or what not. I would get more evidence.

 

What is the nature of their work? Maybe they needed to be in touch.

 

I agree with the posts that say you have been together for 8 years and not even living together. A 2 year engagement?

[Sweetfish]

These two most likely have done something or will do something .. don't be aloof. The more you pressure the fact that he is doing no good..they more the urge to doing something...

 

Why? because your insecurity of the situation, if it's true or not will force them to talk on another level. Once he starts about the 'gf' he will unload personal info and it will become a minimum an emotional affair.

 

Side note... getting married doesn't require flowers. A hall, dresses and the 9 yards $$$

[BluesPower]

Yeah, he is cheating, you need to lose him. As a former cheater, we don't text other women to chit chat. There is one and only one reason and you know what it is.

 

You know, if was serious about you, you guys would be married. You really need to dump and start over.

 

And please, don't believe a word that he says about anything.

[smackie9]

Well Nightfox.....any updates??? Have you addressed their texting with him? You broken up? Or are you hanging onto hope that this will all just go away because it's the holiday season? Measure his dedication to your relationship by what he gives you for Christmas?