I think she might be cheating

[Nitro83]

Thursday morning, I had to move my girlfriend of five years car because she was blocking me in. We live together. I had to move the seat back in her car as I am very tall. As I did this, I noticed a small kitchen trash bag with two or three pregnancy tests in them, not sure if they are used or not. You are probably thinking that this is normal, but I cannot have children. This has been confirmed by medical testing.

 

I have noticed over the past six months that her behavior has changed. She seems more withdrawn and somewhat distant. She comes home from work two to three hours late always citing the same reason, she had late meetings or had to meet with clients. She also has been super klingy on her cell phone and tablet, and does not let it out of her possession at any time when I am around.

 

Our sex life has diminished and I have a gut feeling in my stomach that I really cannot put into words. I don't know how to confront her, or what to say. Everything can be circumstantial except the EPT tests. Am I overreacting?

[Friskyone4u]

Nitro,

 

Just read what you wrote. You know for sure that she is aware that you cannot have children, yet she is buying AND hiding pregnancy test kits from you. Can you think of any rational reason why she would make that purchase??? It sure is not used for acne or a skin moisturizer.

 

If you google " signs your wife is cheating", you may find a bunch of different sites but on ALL of them one of the first things that pops up is locking the phone and guarding the phone. My guess is you will probabyl be able to check off a couple of other things on the list, STARTING WITH CHANGES IN YOUR SEX LIFE AND DISTANCE.

 

You have big time red flags so now the question becomes what do you do?

 

Here are your choices

(1) do nothing and hope- BAD IDEA TO PLAY OSTRICH

(2) talk to her about your concerns- BAD IDEA TO LET HER KNOW YOUR GUT IS CHURNING. If she is cheating she will be more careful. And if she is cheating she will deny and lie to you( that is called gas lighting).

(3) find out the truth.- GOOD IDEA FOR YOUR SANITY

 

Should you choose option number 3 the folks here can give you a lot of advice, and I suggest you take it. But you need to get out of your blind trust of her and be willing to snoop.

 

Your call on how to proceed. JUst remember you are not in a court of law and are n ot going to trial. You get to decide the rules.

[Nitro83]

Nitro,

 

Just read what you wrote. You know for sure that she is aware that you cannot have children, yet she is buying AND hiding pregnancy test kits from you. Can you think of any rational reason why she would make that purchase??? It sure is not used for acne or a skin moisturizer.

 

If you google " signs your wife is cheating", you may find a bunch of different sites but on ALL of them one of the first things that pops up is locking the phone and guarding the phone. My guess is you will probabyl be able to check off a couple of other things on the list, STARTING WITH CHANGES IN YOUR SEX LIFE AND DISTANCE.

 

You have big time red flags so now the question becomes what do you do?

 

Here are your choices

(1) do nothing and hope- BAD IDEA TO PLAY OSTRICH

(2) talk to her about your concerns- BAD IDEA TO LET HER KNOW YOUR GUT IS CHURNING. If she is cheating she will be more careful. And if she is cheating she will deny and lie to you( that is called gas lighting).

(3) find out the truth.- GOOD IDEA FOR YOUR SANITY

 

Should you choose option number 3 the folks here can give you a lot of advice, and I suggest you take it. But you need to get out of your blind trust of her and be willing to snoop.

 

Your call on how to proceed. JUst remember you are not in a court of law and are n ot going to trial. You get to decide the rules.

 

Yes, she is aware of my inability to father children. I am a survivor, chemo, the whole nine yards. She was there for it.

 

How do I find out the truth without letting her know that I am on to her? We recently purchased a home together so all of this complicates things. If I outright confront her I know she is going to say that I am insecure.

[Poutrew]

Yes, she is aware of my inability to father children. I am a survivor, chemo, the whole nine yards. She was there for it.

 

How do I find out the truth without letting her know that I am on to her? We recently purchased a home together so all of this complicates things. If I outright confront her I know she is going to say that I am insecure.

 

Well, you can park your car near to where she works and watch what time she leaves, or doesn't leave. You can GPS her car and get a running readout of exactly where the car is at all times. You really need to get into her phone and see what is in there, of course without her knowing it. Other things you can look for is her phone bill - it'll list numbers, dates, and call length. You can also put a voice activated recorder (VAR) in her car or in the house to catch her making calls to the OM when you aren't around. The big one, if you can afford it, is to hire a PI to tail her for a few days. I have a feeling you will know within a week what is really going on.... there are others here who'll chime in on other things you can do I'm sure. Good luck in finding out the truth...

[fenix]

If it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck it is a duck....

[Darren Steez]

Yes, she is aware of my inability to father children. I am a survivor, chemo, the whole nine yards. She was there for it.

 

How do I find out the truth without letting her know that I am on to her? We recently purchased a home together so all of this complicates things. If I outright confront her I know she is going to say that I am insecure.

 

? Firstly you'll know whether the pregnancy tests have been used or not.

 

Second do not confront without solid proof. Buy a VAR and put it in the car, if you get get a tracker so you can track the car and it's where abouts

[elaine567]

I know you want answers like today and right now, but DO NOT confront her, if you want to get at the real truth. Cheaters will lie and lie and lie and if you have no hard evidence then all you do by confronting her is to alert her of your suspicions.

 

If you can afford it hire a PI, otherwise go into stealth mode.

Check phone bills, her phone, texts, emails, FB, social media, chat apps - get a VAR and put it into her car. Check around in drawers and cupboards or out side spaces for duplicate phones/tablets, which she may use to contact him. If she is extra protective of her phone perhaps all the evidence you need is there.

Meanwhile act completely normal, if you alert her in any way, she will lay low, go underground and you may never find out the truth.

[road]

Do not confront without proof

Hide a VAR in her car and one in the house where she takes most of her calls

Hide a real time GPS in her car

Counsel here after you get the proof but before you confront GF

[Nitro83]

I agree with everyone about not confronting her without proof. I plan on hiring a private investigator so I can have definitive proof. The thing is with me, I really don't have a poker face and wear my heart on my sleeve, she will know I am up to something.

 

Also, I am very upset and would like to confide in a friend, however we have a large social circle. I don't want to risk my fears getting out. I might tell my sister, we are close.

[Space Ritual]

Did you grab the pregnancy tests? I would have and I would have tossed them at her and told her she had 30 seconds to come up with a great answer

or to start packing her stuff in her car.

 

 

Dude that was your best option. What was she going to say "I'm keeping them for a friend?"

 

That was all the proof you need.

[Space Ritual]

I agree with everyone about not confronting her without proof. I plan on hiring a private investigator so I can have definitive proof. The thing is with me, I really don't have a poker face and wear my heart on my sleeve, she will know I am up to something.

 

Also, I am very upset and would like to confide in a friend, however we have a large social circle. I don't want to risk my fears getting out. I might tell my sister, we are close.

 

A Private investigator is a waste of time and money. However, a voice activated recorder installed somewhere in her car would be able to give you all the answers you need for a lot less money...that is if you feel you need any other answers than the pregnancy tests. Which in reality, you don't.

[elaine567]

Trouble is that WE can all be certain she is cheating but WE are not affected one iota by this. WE can surmise that the pregnancy tests are "proof", but they really aren't. They are not proof of anything, they are merely a signpost that all may not be well. WE do not actually know whose pregnancy tests they are.

 

The PI will provide proof and hard evidence, and that is what the OP needs if he is to break up this 5 year relationship - he cannot do that on just guesswork, supposition and assumption.

 

VARs may be good in some instances but as an WW said recently here she would never have been caught by a VAR as she never spoke to the OM on the phone or in her car or anywhere else her husband could have put a VAR.

[Marc878]

Check the phone bill or look on her phone if you get a chance. That'll tell you what you need to know. Var is a good choice as well.

 

From your posts she's probably in deep with a coworker

 

You'd be best to plan on a separation of finances etc.

[zenon]

Who is your cell phone provider, and are you on the same plan? There might be a way you could get access to her texts depending on the provider.

 

You'd definitely be able to read her texts if you could get her apple ID and password.

 

Another thing you could do is let your phone die, and tell her it's broken/won't turn on, then say you have to make an urgent call. See if she freaks out or gets an anxiety attack/tries to watch you with it. But I would recommend you see if you can get access to her texts through another way first.

Edited November 26, 2016 by zenon

[Friskyone4u]

I agree with everyone about not confronting her without proof. I plan on hiring a private investigator so I can have definitive proof. The thing is with me, I really don't have a poker face and wear my heart on my sleeve, she will know I am up to something.

 

Also, I am very upset and would like to confide in a friend, however we have a large social circle. I don't want to risk my fears getting out. I might tell my sister, we are close.

 

Nitro,

 

The VAR will cost you a lot less money and my guess is you will find out what you need to know in less than a week. If you go that route, the techies here can tell you exactly what to buy.

 

DO NOT TELL YOUR FRIENDS OR ASK ANY ADVICE FROM YOUR SOCIAL CIRCLE.

 

If she is cheating to the point of buying pregnancy kits, a decent PI should be able to catch her quickly also.

 

not trying to be funny, but you can also buy semen detection kits and all you have to have for that is the ability to grab her underwear before she takes it out of the hamper.

 

The fact that you are upset and are not a good "faker" means you cannot dilly dally around and waste time.

[Nitro83]

Nitro,

 

The VAR will cost you a lot less money and my guess is you will find out what you need to know in less than a week. If you go that route, the techies here can tell you exactly what to buy.

 

DO NOT TELL YOUR FRIENDS OR ASK ANY ADVICE FROM YOUR SOCIAL CIRCLE.

 

If she is cheating to the point of buying pregnancy kits, a decent PI should be able to catch her quickly also.

 

not trying to be funny, but you can also buy semen detection kits and all you have to have for that is the ability to grab her underwear before she takes it out of the hamper.

 

The fact that you are upset and are not a good "faker" means you cannot dilly dally around and waste time.

 

I do know she is a big texter when she is around me. Hell, we don't even talk on the phone that much when we are apart. I did some searching on the internet and I found a private investigator in my area that exclusively deals with infidelity and these types of situations. I just think that is the most squared away thing to do in terms of finding hard concrete evidence. I spoke to him for about 45 mins. We are meeting at a Starbucks Monday morning to discuss particulars.

 

I am very unsure of myself and am beginning to get depressed.

[Poutrew]

I agree with everyone about not confronting her without proof. I plan on hiring a private investigator so I can have definitive proof. The thing is with me, I really don't have a poker face and wear my heart on my sleeve, she will know I am up to something.

 

Also, I am very upset and would like to confide in a friend, however we have a large social circle. I don't want to risk my fears getting out. I might tell my sister, we are close.

 

Then this can be used to your advantage. You can concoct 'upsetting news' with your sister. If you gf asks what is so bad, you can tell her your sister got some potentially bad news from the doctor and needs to be checked out for cancer... given your closeness with your sister and your past history with the disease, it'll explain away both your sadness and why you are talking with your sister an inordinate amount of time.... of course, run this by sis first, but it's a good one.

[Nitro83]

Honestly I really don't think she cares how I feel. At least she cannot see it because she hasn't been paying much attention to me lately. I have to keep my emotions under wraps until Monday.

 

I told my sister what happened. I had to tell someone. My sister hasn't liked her from the start. It was good to get a lot off my chest.

[Darren Steez]

I agree with everyone about not confronting her without proof. I plan on hiring a private investigator so I can have definitive proof. The thing is with me, I really don't have a poker face and wear my heart on my sleeve, she will know I am up to something.

 

Also, I am very upset and would like to confide in a friend, however we have a large social circle. I don't want to risk my fears getting out. I might tell my sister, we are close.

 

Write here, write somewhere, vent if you have to but think of it like this. Precious seconds of this one life you have are ticking away, right now you're possibly with someone who doesn't respect you and is wasting that time, not to mention putting you through anguish and a lot of BS.

 

If you're feeling upset, feel the urge to blurt out something to her, or start to scrunch up your face in anger think about freedom you can have and think of it as a light at the end of the tunnel and smile and act normal.

 

Get that proof and freedom is yours and you can get her out of your life.

 

Fake it until you make it.

[Darren Steez]

I do know she is a big texter when she is around me. Hell, we don't even talk on the phone that much when we are apart. I did some searching on the internet and I found a private investigator in my area that exclusively deals with infidelity and these types of situations. I just think that is the most squared away thing to do in terms of finding hard concrete evidence. I spoke to him for about 45 mins. We are meeting at a Starbucks Monday morning to discuss particulars.

 

I am very unsure of myself and am beginning to get depressed.

 

Why?

 

If she's cheating then she doesn't respect you.

 

When you look back at what you did, should your suspicions prove correct you will look back with pride that you manned up and did what you had to do to do right by yourself.

 

Be proud that you respect yourself enough not to be put through this.

 

Plenty of women out there that would respect and treat you as you treat them.

[BluesPower]

You are doing the right thing. Yes for sure she is cheating and the PI will get you the hard proof that you are seeking.

 

My question is, if you are not married, why stay with her at all?

 

I mean, you know she is cheating on you, the PT's were evidence of that.

 

But is good to get the hard proof. At least when you confront her she will not be able to lie about it.

 

Have you decided what you will do? I mean you already know that she is cheating so you have to have thought about it.

[Friskyone4u]

You are doing the right thing. Yes for sure she is cheating and the PI will get you the hard proof that you are seeking.

 

My question is, if you are not married, why stay with her at all?

 

I mean, you know she is cheating on you, the PT's were evidence of that.

 

But is good to get the hard proof. At least when you confront her she will not be able to lie about it.

 

Have you decided what you will do? I mean you already know that she is cheating so you have to have thought about it.

 

You need now to make a plan, and that is making sure you have divorce papers ready to hand her once you get what you need. Doing this does NOT mena you are for sure divorcing her.

 

It does mean that she has a limited time frame to commit to you and convince you that she is worthy of you staying. And it also makes it perfectly clear that there will be no rug sweeping, blame shifting, or any other of the standard WW behavior.

 

Keep talking to your sister or family. Do not let getting depressed ( not saying that is not normal) allow you to play Mr. Nice Guy and listen to the lies and excuses that will most likely lollow when you bust her.

[BluesPower]

Good post, but they are not married.

 

They are just living together, which is why I am wondering why he would even consider staying with her, now that he knows she is cheating.

 

And I think we can all agree that she is sleeping with someone else for sure.

[Marc878]

Most want/need the concrete proof because in their heart they just can't/don't want to believe what their mind in telling them.

 

That's where a cheater always has an edge. Most will believe the lies because not to is unbelievable.

[Art_Critic]

They are just living together, which is why I am wondering why he would even consider staying with her, now that he knows she is cheating.

 

They bought a house together....

 

Seems to me that she is doing something under the table, it could be as simple as she had pregnancy symptoms and was not totally sure if he can't have kids so she bought the tests to be sure and hid them so she didn't hurt his feelings or it could be as complex as she is cheating with a coworker.

 

If it were me... I would ask her about the pregnancy test and go from there.. the explanation might be different than he thinks...