What do I do

[Jhk]

My husband and I will be married 5 years in January. Our marriage has been a lot of moving around and adjustment but not a whole lot of conflict. He's the cowboy type. Doesn't like to touch much, say much, express his feelings etc and I am the biggest touch person, bubbly and super social. I was his first, he was my second, we married when I was 22 he was 26. I feel like I catered to him and his career for years, never told him I was unsatisfied with our sex life, and was very passive in what I wanted. I was happy, because seeing him happy made me happy. About 6 months ago that changed. I have been getting more and more bitter about not feeling wanted/touched/talked to and went on a road trip with my best girlfriend. The road trip made me feel alive again! Only, I met someone who I had an instant connection with. It was my friends friend that we stayed with and seeing such an incredible man and how he was made my head turn his as well, which has torn him apart because of morals as well. After that I came home, told the hubby I was unhappy and needed things to change. He tried I feel, but I don't think it worked enough. No contact with this other man but I couldn't keep my mind off of him for 4 months. It was a goddamn rollercoaster. Last weekend I stayed out of town with that same girlfriend and the guy was there. Bam. Instant connection again. He said he has to leave because it was impossible to be around me and not be able to do anything because he cares so much too. We ended up cuddling. I've never been looked at like that, never felt so wanted and needed and happy and excited. i told my husband. He said I have to come back home and I didn't want to with everything in my being! But I did. My husband is my best friend, we are comfortable, it's easy. We have our routine. But I'm scared I'll never feel the way I felt with the other guy with my husband. I don't know whether I have just been dormant for a while and I need to separate myself to go find who I am who I want and what I need or whether I'm just having a quarter life crisis and I need to shove that **** dooowwwn. I'm hurting my husband so much, but I literally cannot stop thinking like I'm not free. I'm being torn in two! All I want to do is run to the man who has made me feel alive again. But I will break my husband if I do that. We have a counseling appointment but my mind and are heart are literally kicking and screaming to not text the other guy. Thoughts?

[lovemebreakme]

You need, to be honest with him with how you feel. If you aren't satisfied with your sex life and feeling bitter about it. If you feel trapped, then you need to tell him this. If at the end of the day nothing changes then you really only have one option and that is to let him go.

[Who_took_my_name]

First thing you do is not take it anywhere with this other guy. It doesn't sound like there are any kids involved? I have some friends who divorced because they weren't compatible, I'm not saying you need to get divorced but you don't sound compatible. They tried counselling etc. and it turned out it was best to go their separate ways, they're both now supremely happy in their established new lives. You need to establish if you like this guy or the idea of him, i.e. Do you like him or how he makes you feel because that is two different things. Jumping into his arms might not solve your problem in the longer term. You're still young (27/28 I think?) so you have your life ahead of you, don't waste it like so many people end up doing.

[Mr. Lucky]

He's the cowboy type. Doesn't like to touch much, say much, express his feelings etc and I am the biggest touch person, bubbly and super social.

 

And yet you met, dated and married him. I'd guess he was the person then he is now.

 

I feel like I catered to him and his career for years, never told him I was unsatisfied with our sex life, and was very passive in what I wanted. I was happy, because seeing him happy made me happy.

 

Grownups deal with their problems through communication, consideration and mutual respect. You've dealt with them by running off to cuddle with some guy you met at a party.

 

You're not being fair to your husband or your marriage. Go to MC with an open mind and heart, your relationship deserves a chance...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Poutrew]

Well, since it seems to be all about you , dump your husband and take up with Mr. Dreamy. Go to him. Marry him. See where you will be in 2 - 3 years, especially when you tell him that the sink is leaking and could he please fix it before the in-laws come over? Also, the car needs a new air conditioner because the compressor blew out, but you can't scrape together the cash for the repair because the baby needs some expensive medicine for the ear infections... and see what his dreamy reaction will be. When Mr. Dreamboat is sitting in front of the TV in his boxers and sees you coming from the kitchen so he holds up an empty can of beer and asks "Yo Hun, refill please!" and goes back to watching the game, you will be hit by the reality of your situation and how you jumped headlong from the skillet into the fire... children do not know the difference between fantasy and reality, but adults are supposed to. Adults don't go chasing fluffy bunnies, or dreamboats, or waste time on unicorns in the sky. I sense you don't yet know that truth, and you will destroy several lives before you learn what having a cross to bear really means...

[BaileyB]

You sound quite incompatible with your husband, and yet you chose to marry him. You live and you learn.

 

Before you "cheat," at least have the decency to tell your husband and let him go. If you decide to go chasing rainbows, you will learn if the grass really is greener on the other side - maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But, you owe it to your husband to be faithful and/or to be honest.

[mikeylo]

You first divorce and then date as many men as you want. It's not that difficult a decision to make.

[Jhk]

You need, to be honest with him with how you feel. If you aren't satisfied with your sex life and feeling bitter about it. If you feel trapped, then you need to tell him this. If at the end of the day nothing changes then you really only have one option and that is to let him go.

 

I've been brutally honest with him and how I feel including the other guy. My husband is still here for me and wants to do anything he can to change. which is incredible of him. I'm just scared I'm too far gone totally numb to him. We are going for MC next week so we shall see if anyhjng comes of it.

[lovemebreakme]

I've been brutally honest with him and how I feel including the other guy. My husband is still here for me and wants to do anything he can to change. which is incredible of him. I'm just scared I'm too far gone totally numb to him. We are going for MC next week so we shall see if anyhjng comes of it.

 

If you want to save your marriage. Then any contact you may have with this other man, needs to stop. Mourn him, cry do whatever you need to do just don't contact him. Then focus on your husband. Put your full thoughts on him. Also if he is willing to change maybe think about the same thing. He is willing to do the work to stay in the marriage and you as the unhappy party needs to be willing to put just as much work in. Take the blame off him and take responsibility for your part in the unhappiness in the marriage.

[Davey L]

Whenever someone describes how they now realise their marriage is not good, or that they don't really love their husband or wife, usually, a few sentences later, they usually mention that special someone else. At that point it is apparent that it is the other person that has caused this state of dissatisfaction.

You expected your husband to win a race he didn't even know he was entered in. Now that the other guy approaches the finishing line you expect your hubby to immediately catch up with him.

[ShatteredLady]

How did you feel on your wedding day? I have a friend who admits that she felt pressured, as if family had already invested so much time & money that she had to go through with it. The thought "I can just divorce him in a few years if it doesn't work out!" actually went through her mind!!

 

Is that how you were feeling? Were you deeply in love? Did you believe your vows when you were saying them?

 

They call it the "7 year itch" for a reason! Sometimes it's a few less or more years (often closer to 10 years if you've had kids) but I think it hits most of us to some extent.

 

I hated the "Marriage takes work" idea. I'm a hapless romantic. I always thought that love is all it takes. If you truly love someone it never goes away. Twaddle!! Marriage has highs & lows. I don't think it's possible to maintain that desperately in love feeling 24/7 for a lifetime. It's just not like that.

 

There will always be temptations. It feels so much more because it's taboo! I remember watching he movie 'Forces of Nature' with my H. At the end he made a comment along the lines 'Ahh poor (Sandra Bullocks character), I wish there were 2 Ben Afflecs!'. Yeh he gets brownie points for trying to show an interest in a "chick flick" but talk about completely missing the point!! If a random woman met on a road trip could stop him marrying his intended he'd be pretty pathetic!!

 

Some don't take marriage very seriously. If you want fantasy romance & don't mind being one of those people who marry 4 or 5 times, GREAT!! Go for it! But if you truly want a "For better or worse, until death us do part" you need to really analyze yourself & what's going on here. Marriage is a commitment. It's not high school dating.

 

What do you want? Who do you want to be?

Forget about the OM, even forget about your H for a little while. This is about YOU & your weakness & your urges. You've only been married for a very short time. The 'high' has settled & you've got 'Itchy Knicker Syndrome'. It ALWAYS happens if you allow your emotions & whims to rule your life. You have ALREADY cheated...It's about YOU! (Not the OM or exaggerated faults you're now finding in your H)

 

What do YOU want? Who do YOU want to be?

 

Please confirm that you don't have children yet...

[LargoLagg]

You were 22 when you got married. Now you're 27. It's really no wonder you've met someone and fallen for him. It was bound to happen at some point. No doubt about it, if you were single, you'd probably have the best of love affairs with this guy until such time as it wears off - probably a couple of years from now. Who knows what it will be like after that? People seem so great at the beginning, but really, you have no idea how things will turn out. The ones that start off like fireworks tend to end like fireworks too - fast and with a lot of noise.

 

So here's the only thing you have to decide, really. Assuming your wedding vows were "for better or worse, until death do you part", can you take feeling a lot worse for a couple of years? I guarantee you'll get over it, but it's going to feel like torture until you do. Can your husband put up with it too?

 

There are two dangers with this approach as I see it. First, when it's all over, you may not love either of them, so it's not like there's necessarily a fabulous reward waiting for you at the end of this. You may end up wondering why you did it. The other thing is that because you don't get to finish this with the other man, you may always wonder what might have been. This will be a source of temptation later in your life, and if he shows up again, you'll be right back to square one.

 

I don't envy you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm just scared I'm too far gone totally numb to him. We are going for MC next week so we shall see if anyhjng comes of it.

 

When did marriage become just a waystation on your way to something else?

 

Jhk, there's nothing you're going to find elsewhere - good or bad - you don't already have. Like all things important, it takes work. Instead of waiting to feel something, you have to make it happen.

 

"Love" actually is a verb...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jhk]

 

Please confirm that you don't have children yet...

 

We have no kids.

[Jhk]

You were 22 when you got married. Now you're 27. It's really no wonder you've met someone and fallen for him. It was bound to happen at some point. No doubt about it, if you were single, you'd probably have the best of love affairs with this guy until such time as it wears off - probably a couple of years from now. Who knows what it will be like after that? People seem so great at the beginning, but really, you have no idea how things will turn out. The ones that start off like fireworks tend to end like fireworks too - fast and with a lot of noise.

 

So here's the only thing you have to decide, really. Assuming your wedding vows were "for better or worse, until death do you part", can you take feeling a lot worse for a couple of years? I guarantee you'll get over it, but it's going to feel like torture until you do. Can your husband put up with it too?

 

There are two dangers with this approach as I see it. First, when it's all over, you may not love either of them, so it's not like there's necessarily a fabulous reward waiting for you at the end of this. You may end up wondering why you did it. The other thing is that because you don't get to finish this with the other man, you may always wonder what might have been. This will be a source of temptation later in your life, and if he shows up again, you'll be right back to square one.

 

I don't envy you.

 

That's what I'm scared of. This feeling hasn't gone away for months and I'm scared I need to free up and figure it out even if it's to realize that it is not really what I wanted. It may ruin everything but I feel horrible just being in limbo and not knowing. I want to just know one way or another. I want to be all in or all out. It's not fair to anyone to be confused for this long.