The END

[Bella1906]

I ended my 8 year relationship with my soulmate yesterday. My heart is breaking and I am still in shock...

 

We had a serious D-day a year ago, where my husband found a personal message I send to MM. He confronted MM, and also threatened to phone his wife. This made MM to run and also forced NC for almost 6 weeks.He also promised that he will stop all contact with me. I made contact again, and we tried for the past year to pick up where we left off.

 

Although MM participated , I think he was never again fully available, but never indicated he wanted to end things. This creating me to keep asking for time with him and opportunities to spend time together not being used by him. I felt heartache, rejected and not loved most of the time. Because I always believed in our love and always had hope I continued trying. I still believe to have a soulmate relationship as part of your existence is special.

 

A few weeks ago , my husband found a not personal, running date, messages from MM. He immediately, without even asking or clarifying, messaged and called MM. Reminding him off his promise. This brought back all the previous issues and feelings. MM indicated that he is scared of H, and that we do not have any space left to accommodate our relationship. What will happen if H find another messages? He also mentioned that he felt resentment towards me, which had a influence on our relationship. He said we cannot continue like this..He wanted to stay friends, and keep on running together..but

 

I ended it - because I would not be able to bear seeing him and not having him fully in my life. I also felt that I had to remove myself from

His life. I have always just been there- always on his terms. All that I ever wanted was to be with him. I will love him always but I think I needed to do this for myself..

 

Did the past years, love and support not mean anything? Why could he not fight for me/us?

 

How do you move on?

Edited November 26, 2016 by Bella1906

[malvern99]

Why don't you divorce your husband and chase your soul mate to your heart's content? I mean, what's the point of staying with your husband when your one true love is out there?

[GollumsNightmare]

Soulmates usually move heaven and earth to be together. They don't settle for a few stolen moments here and there.

 

It would appear he is just not that into you, at least as much as you are into HIM. People get divorced all the time. He would be with you if he wanted to be. It really is that simple if that is what he really wanted deep down.

 

I don't mean to be harsh. Sometimes, we all just need a reality check. I have been an OW and a BS, so I see this from both sides of the fence. Sucks either way.

 

In the meantime, rethink your relationship with your BS. If you're just not that into HIM, let him go so he can find his soulmate.

[goodyblue]

A relationship is just that, a relationship. When it ends it hurts and that sucks. I am sorry you are having a rough go of things. Wishing you strength and courage to do what you think is best for your marriage and your life going forward. It's a tough gig but it is our life.

 

 

I believe in happiness and maybe it is time for you to find yours and let your husband find his, whether recommitting to the marriage or ending it. But don't sit in limbo, it isn't fair to either of you.

 

 

Good luck, again, I am sorry you are hurting.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I am sorry Bella- these things are never easy and the endings are always messy even if they take a year or so to end. It sounds like yours was ending with your first D-Day and you and MM just clung to what you knew for another year before the true ending happened.. No matter how it ends it hurts so bad but you need to take some time to give yourself some perspective and to get your head on straight.

 

MM didn't fight for you because he wasn't in a position to fight for you- he was and is still married and so are you. You are not in any position to fight for your relationship either.

 

I am a WW too so I have no judgement actually quite the opposite because i understand the pain you are feeling, and i am so very sorry for that pain.

 

You walked away for you, and it was the right thing to do, so just keep walking. You will get a lot of sh** about the pain you caused your husband and this is understandable because what you did what we did was F*** up no matter the reason but you need to work on yourself before you can hope to work on and understand your marriage and how to help your husband heal - or to let him go.

 

Good luck OP- The road ahead is full of pain and a lot of sorrow but it is the only road available to you so start walking because I have to believe it gets easier.

[DKT3]

Hi Ted- this is quite harsh- yes we WW are a f** up bunch but we are hurting and here for support, to figure out how to fix the mess we made. We do not need insults or 'eggs' tossed at us.

 

The HOW is actually easy, finding the desire to do so is complicated.

 

Now, the marriage is done, no way she goes back 100% being the length was so long and she continued on for a year after being caught several more time.

[DKT3]

I am sorry Bella- these things are never easy and the endings are always messy even if they take a year or so to end. It sounds like yours was ending with your first D-Day and you and MM just clung to what you knew for another year before the true ending happened.. No matter how it ends it hurts so bad but you need to take some time to give yourself some perspective and to get your head on straight.

 

MM didn't fight for you because he wasn't in a position to fight for you- he was and is still married and so are you. You are not in any position to fight for your relationship either.

 

I am a WW too so I have no judgement actually quite the opposite because i understand the pain you are feeling, and i am so very sorry for that pain.

 

You walked away for you, and it was the right thing to do, so just keep walking. You will get a lot of sh** about the pain you caused your husband and this is understandable because what you did what we did was F*** up no matter the reason but you need to work on yourself before you can hope to work on and understand your marriage and how to help your husband heal - or to let him go.

 

Good luck OP- The road ahead is full of pain and a lot of sorrow but it is the only road available to you so start walking because I have to believe it gets easier.

 

Most times with unfaithful wives it just doesn't get better, it takes MW too long to pull themselves away from Om/MM, then another mountain to climb is re-entry into the marriage. Most BH'S give up or turn to another woman.

[whichwayisup]

Why don't you divorce your husband and chase your soul mate to your heart's content? I mean, what's the point of staying with your husband when your one true love is out there?

 

I agree with this. If this MM is truly your soulmate, then set your husband free so he can find love again with someone else. Staying in your marriage is a huge mistake and unfair to both you and your husband since it seems you don't love nor respect him at all. Divorce and then continue to be the OW in your MM's life.

 

Your MM, like you, has chosen NOT to divorce.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Most times with unfaithful wives it just doesn't get better, it takes MW too long to pull themselves away from Om/MM, then another mountain to climb is re-entry into the marriage. Most BH'S give up or turn to another woman.

 

Yes. If the bs knows the truth about the affair i believe you are correct. Also women are emotional creatures we need an emotional connection to thrive and show and be in love and we have spent however long killing that connection with husband that it can't just be turned on at the drop of a hat which is why you hear so often fake it till you make it. i am not doing a good job of the faking it part so if you want advice on that OP you won't get it from me.

[malvern99]

Yes. If the bs knows the truth about the affair i believe you are correct. Also women are emotional creatures we need an emotional connection to thrive and show and be in love and we have spent however long killing that connection with husband that it can't just be turned on at the drop of a hat which is why you hear so often fake it till you make it. i am not doing a good job of the faking it part so if you want advice on that OP you won't get it from me.

 

Why bother faking it? If the love isn't there, it's not there. Like you said, you can't force it. Do you think faking it is some form of manipulation to try and control the outcome of the situation?

[HeCantBreakMe]

Why bother faking it? If the love isn't there, it's not there. Like you said, you can't force it. Do you think faking it is some form of manipulation to try and control the outcome of the situation?

 

No clue, honestly Malvern it is just what I have been told from various sources. Maybe it is with the intention that if the love was there before two people can fall back in love? Or maybe it is just to help the BS heal? I have not been able to fake it- I have been blunt and honest in where my heart and head is at.

[DKT3]

No clue, honestly Malvern it is just what I have been told from various sources. Maybe it is with the intention that if the love was there before two people can fall back in love? Or maybe it is just to help the BS heal? I have not been able to fake it- I have been blunt and honest in where my heart and head is at.

 

But, it's most likely false. Your heart that is. Your husband is there, you rarely long for the things you have, but the things you want.

 

Should your husband walk away, then your true feelings would be known....in your case I never thought it was in you to make your marriage work. No desire to fight.

[HeCantBreakMe]

But, it's most likely false. Your heart that is. Your husband is there, you rarely long for the things you have, but the things you want.

 

Should your husband walk away, then your true feelings would be known....in your case I never thought it was in you to make your marriage work. No desire to fight.

 

I have been honest with where my heart is at and my husband knows it isn't with him.

 

I always fought you on the bolded part but knew deep down you were right. I just wasn't ready to admit it yet.

 

Not trying to hijack this thread it is Bella's story- not mine.

[LargoLagg]

It sounds like you could have had your answer when you contacted MM again after 6 weeks of NC. You could have asked him if it was you or his wife, to decide. Instead, you settled for a year's worth of half-heartedness, and I wonder if this was in an attempt to get your husband to follow through on his promise once he found your messages again. It's pretty convenient he keeps finding your stuff lying around.

 

Anyway, my sense of it is that the only way you get MM is to blow up his marriage, and to hope she's not as committed to marriage as your husband seems to be.

 

I would predict that you end up with neither of them within a year, but what do I know?

[malvern99]

No clue, honestly Malvern it is just what I have been told from various sources. Maybe it is with the intention that if the love was there before two people can fall back in love? Or maybe it is just to help the BS heal? I have not been able to fake it- I have been blunt and honest in where my heart and head is at.

 

Faking it in order to help a BS heal does the opposite in my eyes. It just provides false hope, prolongs the pain, and delays the inevitable. Honesty is great, and the only way forward. If your BH is willing to keep on keeping on, that is his choice. A little crazy in my eyes, but his choice none the less. At the end of the day, you have to do a mini cost benefit analysis to determine if it is worth it. What are you putting into your marriage and what are getting out? Do the scales balance out?

[Marc878]

The truth is your MM values his marriage more than you. You've been had. You were just a sideshow.

[DKT3]

Faking it in order to help a BS heal does the opposite in my eyes. It just provides false hope, prolongs the pain, and delays the inevitable. Honesty is great, and the only way forward. If your BH is willing to keep on keeping on, that is his choice. A little crazy in my eyes, but his choice none the less. At the end of the day, you have to do a mini cost benefit analysis to determine if it is worth it. What are you putting into your marriage and what are getting out? Do the scales balance out?

 

I don't get that's she is putting in much, I think to a large degree she wants her husband to pull the plug because she still wants to be with the other guy.

 

Op is doing the same, manipulation. It's no accident she is leaving stuff around for husband to find. If husband blows up the marrige then it clears (in both women's mind) the way to get where they really want to be.

 

What I don't understand, if there is any love and/or respect for the husbands then do the dirty work and end it. Of course, not likely going to happen. Husband is second best, but second best is better then nothing...it's ultimately extremely selfish.

[malvern99]

I don't get that's she is putting in much, I think to a large degree she wants her husband to pull the plug because she still wants to be with the other guy.

 

Op is doing the same, manipulation. It's no accident she is leaving stuff around for husband to find. If husband blows up the marrige then it clears (in both women's mind) the way to get where they really want to be.

 

What I don't understand, if there is any love and/or respect for the husbands then do the dirty work and end it. Of course, not likely going to happen. Husband is second best, but second best is better then nothing...it's ultimately extremely selfish.

 

This being the case, then I guess the question is, "What is the end game?" Why string someone along if in your heart of hearts you know there's nothing there? Is it not better to rip the band aid off quickly and get on with your life? That sounds more merciful.

[sandylee1]

He doesn't want his wife finding out and with your husband knowing it isn't worth the risk. It's no longer the fun it was before DDAY.

 

Do you think it would be acceptable for your husband to keep a friendship with a woman he had an affair with? How would it make you feel?

 

Do you even think MM would want his wife being friends with a man she had an affair with?

 

Try putting yourself in your husband's position. If you don't lovehim or want to be with him, then leave. When you married him you vowed fidelity. .... Try and think back to that day and get counselling for yourself if you don't know what you want.

 

Absolute no contact is required.

[Bella1906]

Faking it in order to help a BS heal does the opposite in my eyes. It just provides false hope, prolongs the pain, and delays the inevitable. Honesty is great, and the only way forward. If your BH is willing to keep on keeping on, that is his choice. A little crazy in my eyes, but his choice none the less. At the end of the day, you have to do a mini cost benefit analysis to determine if it is worth it. What are you putting into your marriage and what are getting out? Do the scales balance out?

 

Malvern99 - thank you for your input and replies. I like the way you think, You make things seem straightforward and black and white. What would your opinion be on kids in marriage relationships? Financial implications on all parties? Shared business? Wouldn't it be the lesser of two evils to fake it? To not act on your own desire?

[DKT3]

Malvern99 - thank you for your input and replies. I like the way you think, You make things seem straightforward and black and white. What would your opinion be on kids in marriage relationships? Financial implications on all parties? Shared business? Wouldn't it be the lesser of two evils to fake it? To not act on your own desire?

 

These are questions for before not after....none of these things where important enough to prevent the affair, so why use them now? Now that you face the consequences of 8 years of lying.

[malvern99]

Malvern99 - thank you for your input and replies. I like the way you think, You make things seem straightforward and black and white. What would your opinion be on kids in marriage relationships? Financial implications on all parties? Shared business? Wouldn't it be the lesser of two evils to fake it? To not act on your own desire?

 

Infidelity is one of the few issues in life where there is an absolute right and an absolute wrong in my eyes. There is no room for nuance because of the incredible pain the adulterous spouse is inflicting on their betrayed spouse and family. Ignoring that reality is like sticking your head in the sand. While you wake up every day missing your AP, your betrayed husband wakes every day wondering why he isn't good enough for you. Nobody deserves that. Your affair is destroying his very foundation as a human being, and changing him forever. I would bet he has changed significantly from the person he was before your A started. If that is considered black and white thinking, them I'm OK with that.

 

In my experience, children are a lot more perceptive than many people believe. They may not necessarily know why, but they intuitively know when something is wrong, especially younger children. They tend to blame themselves for the ills of the marriage, and many will need therapy to help them process what is going on around them.

 

Staying "for the children" also runs the risk of normalizing toxic or loveless marriages for them. Remember, your marriage to your husband is they only one they get to see up close and personal. You don't want them to model their future relationships on what they see between you and your husband. They deserve better. Ask yourself this... if your son or daughter came to you and told you their spouse had been in an adulterous relationship for 8 years, and that their spouse was still obsessed with the AP even after they had been caught and seen their pain, how would you advise them? I would bet my bottom dollar you would advise them to kick their spouse to the curb as soon as possible, because they deserve nothing less than being loved and respected by their spouse. Adultery is neither loving nor respectful, and faking that love and respect is even more damaging than just ripping the band aid off. Better to teach children to chase their happiness in an open, honest manner where their happiness is not based on the misery of their loved ones.

 

Financial consequences stemming from infidelity are just that. Consequences. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Seriously though, the person to talk to about that would be attorney. Good luck OP.