Am I right to feel a bit disappointed with him??

[alpet]

Hi..Over the last 3 months I got to know a guy online, with whom - after meeting twice in person - I have been on an LDR since then. We come from the same country, but live in different states now. It seems that we're into each other a lot - and have also been considering my joining him there.

 

I'd like to ask your opinion of a minor incident that occurred yesterday. While exchanging some messages, he told me he had taken the day off, as he was feeling low and was on anti-depression pills. Jokingly, I told him I could raise his morale with him translating 2-3 pages for me (I have been translating a pretty long material). He agreed and said that he would send it translated to me in the evening or next morning. It was noon (local time) when I sent him the material...(First he said "I can't open it in Word format", "make it PDF". I did that.)

When I asked him by 6 pm if he had started the translation,he replied that he had gone to play volleyball (He is quite a pro in this sport). Then at 7:30 pm he says he won't be able to do it, as he's meeting the doctor tomorrow morning, and other job-related things to do...I remarked that it didn't really matter, and him then thanking me for the understanding...

 

Well, am I right to feel a bit disappointed? Or should I be really understanding, and that I shouldn't have asked for his help at all?

 

Thanks..

Edited November 26, 2016 by alpet
grammar

[basil67]

How is doing your work supposed to be a morale raiser?

 

If you need help, ask for it and agree on a time frame. But don't try and disguise it as a morale raiser.

[alpet]

How is doing your work supposed to be a morale raiser?

 

If you need help, ask for it and agree on a time frame. But don't try and disguise it as a morale raiser.

 

Well, as I said, I suggested that jokingly, as it was something that crossed my mind just then. However, once he agreed, it turned out into a proper request for help. That is, no need for disguise on my part.

[basil67]

Well, as I said, I suggested that jokingly, as it was something that crossed my mind just then. However, once he agreed, it turned out into a proper request for help. That is, no need for disguise on my part.

 

OK, thanks for the clarification.

 

People in the throes of depression struggle to manage their everyday lives. Simply getting up, showering and eating can be a major task. Sometimes it's something which they struggle to manage.

 

He may well have said 'yes' because he wanted to help.. Because he didn't want to say 'no'. But that doesn't mean he had the capacity to do it.

 

Don't expect him to do stuff for you. But do expect him to work with mental health practitioners to seek help for himself. And expect him to do the meds and/or therapy required.

[alpet]

OK, thanks for the clarification.

 

People in the throes of depression struggle to manage their everyday lives. Simply getting up, showering and eating can be a major task. Sometimes it's something which they struggle to manage.

 

He may well have said 'yes' because he wanted to help.. Because he didn't want to say 'no'. But that doesn't mean he had the capacity to do it.

 

Don't expect him to do stuff for you. But do expect him to work with mental health practitioners to seek help for himself. And expect him to do the meds and/or therapy required.

 

You're right I shouldn't have expected that of him..Thanks for the thoughtful feedback.

[justwhoiam]

Hi..Over the last 3 months I got to know a guy online

How did you meet him online? On a dating website or just casually?

 

It seems that we're into each other a lot

It seems? You need to like each other a lot to think of a relationship together. Right now, you seem unsure, for some reason.

 

Jokingly, I told him I could raise his morale with him translating 2-3 pages for me

I think that was in poor taste. He shared he was not feeling his best and you gave him a task to do, requiring 5-8 hours of work. And he didn't have the guts to say no. Does he have the skills to translate?

 

I have been translating a pretty long material

Is that your job or is it just a hobby?

 

Well, am I right to feel a bit disappointed?

I'd be disappointed about him not being frank with me. I don't like flaky people, but I guess it was poor judgment on your part to think he could do something for you. Maybe that was the time for you to do something for him.

 

Anyway, something seems weird about this relationship. And sorry for saying this, but I would think twice before starting a LDR with someone suffering from depression.

[alpet]

How did you meet him online? On a dating website or just casually?

 

It seems? You need to like each other a lot to think of a relationship together. Right now, you seem unsure, for some reason.

 

I think that was in poor taste. He shared he was not feeling his best and you gave him a task to do, requiring 5-8 hours of work. And he didn't have the guts to say no. Does he have the skills to translate?

 

Is that your job or is it just a hobby?

 

I'd be disappointed about him not being frank with me. I don't like flaky people, but I guess it was poor judgment on your part to think he could do something for you. Maybe that was the time for you to do something for him.

 

Anyway, something seems weird about this relationship. And sorry for saying this, but I would think twice before starting a LDR with someone suffering from depression.

We first got in touch on a dating site, and met later in person. Yes, translation is part of my job. As far as I know his depression is mild, and he's taking pills to tackle it. The only hindrance to our relationship is distance, for the time being...

[justwhoiam]

You're underestimating the problem.

 

If he's on pills, it's very likely his depression is not mild. Also, how long has he been taking pills? The longer he's on pills, the longer it'll take him to drop them, if ever.

 

I think it's mild and curable when depression is linked to an event or fact of life. When it's just a part of you, then you need to live with it. That's like permanent. And on pills forever. With ageing, it only gets worse.

 

Is it worth pursuing hard?

[Els]

Did you just ask your boyfriend of 3 months to do your work for you, especially when he told you that he was feeling low....? That is certainly a red flag... for him! When your partner is feeling low, the absolute last thing they want is to be given more work to do.

 

I disagree that 'he' is the one who is having a problem. Where is your empathy? It's not your job to sort out his depression for him (I agree with basil, that's between him and his health professional), but responding to it by asking him to do work for you is just plain wrong.

 

How would you feel if you told him you had to take sick leave because you had a fever and chills, and he told you, "Hey, I know what will help, you could help me finish this editorial I'm supposed to write for work!" I know you said you were "joking", but clearly you weren't really "joking" since you actually expected the work to be done...

[LittleTiger]

You're disappointed that your boyfriend didn't do your job for you? A job that, presumably, you are getting paid to do? Were you planning to pay him for this favour?

 

I agree completely with Elswyth...he tells you he's feeling low and you dump some of your own work on him to make him feel better??? A little empathy wouldn't go amiss.

 

Are you right to feel disappointed with him? No...definitely not! If I was you though, I'd be feeling quite disappointed in myself.

[alpet]

You're underestimating the problem.

 

If he's on pills, it's very likely his depression is not mild. Also, how long has he been taking pills? The longer he's on pills, the longer it'll take him to drop them, if ever.

 

I think it's mild and curable when depression is linked to an event or fact of life. When it's just a part of you, then you need to live with it. That's like permanent. And on pills forever. With ageing, it only gets worse.

 

Is it worth pursuing hard?

I guess you're right about me belittling it a bit. He told me he'd been on pills for 3 years -primarily due to his ex being psychologically abusive - but he also said they're of the best quality.. What do you exactly mean by "...pursuing hard"?

[alpet]

Did you just ask your boyfriend of 3 months to do your work for you, especially when he told you that he was feeling low....? That is certainly a red flag... for him! When your partner is feeling low, the absolute last thing they want is to be given more work to do.

 

I disagree that 'he' is the one who is having a problem. Where is your empathy? It's not your job to sort out his depression for him (I agree with basil, that's between him and his health professional), but responding to it by asking him to do work for you is just plain wrong.

 

How would you feel if you told him you had to take sick leave because you had a fever and chills, and he told you, "Hey, I know what will help, you could help me finish this editorial I'm supposed to write for work!" I know you said you were "joking", but clearly you weren't really "joking" since you actually expected the work to be done...

 

You're right about my "joke", but concerning empathy, I have been highly empathetic to him, to the point of risking to be mistaken for pity provider...

[alpet]

You're disappointed that your boyfriend didn't do your job for you? A job that, presumably, you are getting paid to do? Were you planning to pay him for this favour?

 

I agree completely with Elswyth...he tells you he's feeling low and you dump some of your own work on him to make him feel better??? A little empathy wouldn't go amiss.

 

Are you right to feel disappointed with him? No...definitely not! If I was you though, I'd be feeling quite disappointed in myself.

You're right about that, but I made no issue of it; on the contrary, I thanked him for his good intentions..

[justwhoiam]

I guess you're right about me belittling it a bit. He told me he'd been on pills for 3 years

3 years... so it's not just temporary or transitory. That's your clue. My man was on pills after being laid out. He went on with them for around 7-8 months, at which point he had to drop them, by decreasing slowly, and that lasted another 3 months. The pills came with downsides, he couldn't perform whenever he wanted to. I'm not sure if you had a chance to check that with your boyfriend.

 

he also said they're of the best quality

I think they have become his crutch. It doesn't look like he's getting off of them anytime soon.

 

What do you exactly mean by "...pursuing hard"?

I mean going out of your way for him. In a LDR, there's often the need of going out of one's way to make the relationship survive. It takes efforts on both sides. When someone's depressed, it's likely it's gonna feel one-sided for you. And that can kill the relationship in the long run.

[alpet]

3 years... so it's not just temporary or transitory. That's your clue. My man was on pills after being laid out. He went on with them for around 7-8 months, at which point he had to drop them, by decreasing slowly, and that lasted another 3 months. The pills came with downsides, he couldn't perform whenever he wanted to. I'm not sure if you had a chance to check that with your boyfriend.

 

I think they have become his crutch. It doesn't look like he's getting off of them anytime soon.

 

I mean going out of your way for him. In a LDR, there's often the need of going out of one's way to make the relationship survive. It takes efforts on both sides. When someone's depressed, it's likely it's gonna feel one-sided for you. And that can kill the relationship in the long run.

You have a point here..Well, I'm visiting him for a week during the winter break, and we'll take it from there...

Thanks for the considerate feedback.

[LargoLagg]

People with depression are some of the most unreliable people in the world. Sometimes, they can't even get out of bed for themselves, much less do your stuff. Never give a depression sufferer something to do when they are feeling low. You'll be disappointed, so lesson learned.

 

Now, here's the real question you need to ask yourself. Knowing this, will you get disappointed in the future if the same thing happens, except maybe its not your work product? Maybe it will be an obligation of his that affects you. It could be anything. Can you put up with that? Because if not, LDR's are hard enough as is, and to throw that on top of the mix is just .... it takes a special person is how I'd say it.

[alpet]

People with depression are some of the most unreliable people in the world. Sometimes, they can't even get out of bed for themselves, much less do your stuff. Never give a depression sufferer something to do when they are feeling low. You'll be disappointed, so lesson learned.

 

Now, here's the real question you need to ask yourself. Knowing this, will you get disappointed in the future if the same thing happens, except maybe its not your work product? Maybe it will be an obligation of his that affects you. It could be anything. Can you put up with that? Because if not, LDR's are hard enough as is, and to throw that on top of the mix is just .... it takes a special person is how I'd say it.

You made a good point here. It's hard to deal with such a situation. He also suggested that I join him there and live together.