Tips on validating other's feelings

[ConfusedInOC]

What are the best ways to validate other's feelings? In specific, what things can you do and say to make someone else feel validated?

[ConfusedInOC]

Here's a description I found: "To validate someone's feelings is first to accept someone's feelings. Next, it is to understand them, and finally it is to nurture them."

[ConfusedInOC]

Basic Steps to Validation

 

Acknowledging the other person's feelings

Identifying the feelings

Offering to listen (see EQ-Based Listening)

Helping them label the feelings

Being there for them; remaining present physically and emotionally

Feeling patient

Feeling accepting and non-judgmental

 

 

Here are some simple ways to validate someone when they talking to you and they are feeling upset, hurt, sad etc.

 

Awww

Yeah

Mmm

I hear you.

That hurts

That's not good

That's no fun

 

Wow, that's a lot to deal with

I would feel the same way.

(I would be sad/hurt/angry/jealus, etc. too)

 

That is sad.

That sounds discouraging.

That sounds like it would really hurt

That must really hurt.

 

I know just what you mean.

I would feel the same way.

I can understand how you feel.

It sounds like you are really feeling ____.

It sounds like _____ is really important to you.

 

Most of us truly want to help other people, but often we don't know how, or we try too hard and we start giving advice, as our parents did to us. But I have found that usually if I just validate someone, they are able to work out their own emotional problems even faster than if I were to give them my advice. This I believe is a sign of not only high EQ but of wisdom. Though I read about validation and "active listening" I didn't learn the importance of it. I learned it from life. And from watching what works and what doesn't work. If you want to help someone, try some of these. I have found they have amazing power.

 

For some people all you need to do is use these short, validating comments and they will continue to talk.

 

For others, you might encourage them to keep talking with short questions such as:

 

Really?

Yeah?

How's that?

You did?

She did?

 

If you find yourself in a position of needing to lead the conversation you might try:

 

I can see that you are really upset.

You look pretty sad.

You seem a little worried, troubled, scared, etc.

Would you like to talk about it?

That really bothered you, didn't it?

How did you feel when ______?

 

Also, to help someone release their feelings try:

 

What bothers you the most about it?

How strongly are you feeling that (on a scale of 0-10)?

How come? How so? How's that?

So you really felt ______? Is that close?

So what bothered you was that _____?

What else bothered you______?

How else did you feel______?

What would help you feel better?

 

 

Often, the fewer words from you, the better, especially when someone needs to talk and they are both willing and able. I have found, as I am sure you have, that it takes more to get some people talking than others. But once most people start, and feel safe and validated, they will continue.

 

Validation allows a person to release their feelings in a healthy, safe and supportive way. It also helps us get to know them better. Thus it builds bonds of caring, support, acceptance, understanding and trust. When a person is feeling down, these bonds are sometimes all that another person needs to begin to feel better and solve their own problems.

 

On the other hand, when they are feeling excited and enthusiastic, this validation encourages them and helps keep their spirits high.

 

For example when someone is excited, proud etc. You might say:

 

Cool. Neat. Wow. Excellent. etc.

That must have been fun/exciting.

I can see why you are proud.

 

 

By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us-- in other words, that they matter to us. By "mirroring" someone's feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us.

 

 

 

 

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A message from a social worker on validation and invalidation

 

 

 

Steve,

 

I LOVE your site! You've put a lot of work into this and I found your site helpful.

 

I work with as a Social Worker at a 'Safehouse' for abused/neglected children. I found your site by typing "validating feelings" at Yahoo's search engine. Your site was third in the search list.

 

 

Often I notice other social workers invalidating a child's feelings. We social workers want so badly for the kids to be happy that we often unintentionally invalidate the kids feelings.

 

Just the other day we took a small boy to the doctor's office and I asked him if he was a little bit scared. It was obvious by his face that he was scared and I wanted to share, understand, and validate his feeling. But after I asked if he were a little bit scared and before he had a chance to answere the other social worker interupted us and in a scolding tone of voice told him there was nothing to be afraid of! I felt very sad for the boy but I wasn't sure how to handle the situation. I need to get along with my coworkers too... but these kids desparetely need to be heard.

 

I read everything I could find on your site about validating feelings...

it was a huge help... THANKS!

 

Jeffrey

 

 

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An Example of Validating a Child's Feelings - "I want Mama!"

 

When someone is experiencing a strong feeling, sometimes we

"try to help" by telling her or him "it's not so bad." This attempt

to minimize the negative experience -- to save someone from

the struggle, actually undermines the effort to help.

 

Sometimes when Max wakes up from his naps, he's sad --

especially when his mama isn't home. Since Patty often uses

naptime for her work, I've struggled to keep wakeup time from

being a descent into wailing. Yesterday when he woke up, I

practiced recognizing his feelings without fixing or correcting.

 

"I want Mama," sulked Max, somehow accusing me for being the

wrong parent.

 

My initial impulse was to react with hurt and say, "Well she's not

here and I am, so take or leave it, bub." I resisted, and instead

said lovingly, "You really want Mama, don't you?"

 

"Yes," replied a slightly-less-vexed Max.

 

I forgot my plan for a moment, and shifted to "reality" saying,

"I'm sorry she's not here, Maxie, but I'll snuggle with you." I

was thinking, "She's going to be here in ten minutes, it's not that

bad!" I suspect he heard my effort to minimize his feelings:

 

"GO Away Daddy. I want MAMA," re-escalated Max.

 

Again, part of me felt rejected and wanted to go away. Instead, I

chose to speak to the want that Max was expressing. I sat down on

his bed and said, "I really miss her too. It's sad when she's not

home."

 

"Yah," admitted Max, reaching out closer to me.

 

"She's such a good snuggler, and so warm and just right. I love her

so much too -- sometimes I really miss her."

 

"Yah," affirmed Max, now snuggling close to me.

 

"I wish we could both snuggle with her right now. She could hold

you close, and we could all squeeze into your little bed. And we'd

just have a lovely snuggle."

 

Suddenly, Max changed gears and spoke in his "you-silly-Daddy

voice" -- "But my bed isn't big enough."

 

When I gave into the impulse to "solve" the situation by telling

Max the facts, I was forgetting (again) that facts are not relevant

to the emotional brain. When I say, "You know Mama's going to be

home soon, right?" I'm also saying, "You should not feel sad."

While my impulse may be kind, it's actually dismissive.

 

Max wanted his mama, facts wouldn't change that. When I stopped

"fixing it" and participated in his world, I let him feel that I

truly understood his feelings. In the end, he knew I understood,

and that let him move on.

 

It's fairly easy to see this in child of two-and-a-half -- but

the premise is true for people of all ages. Feelings are real,

even when the causes don't make sense to another person. And

when people are sad, understanding is infinitely more precious

that facts.

 

 

By Josh Freedman, http://www.6seconds.org/news/2004226.html

[XNemesisX]

You validate someone's feelings by not being judgmental, by empathizing with that person. The worst thing you can do to someone is make them feel judged and criticized or make them feel like you can't understand where they are coming from.

 

You will increase someone's liking of you by appearing interested in what they have to say and also offerring your own (relevant) experiences. Self-disclosure increases liking so appear uptight, tightlipped, or unaffected by what they are saying and all hope is lost.

 

I would say that in a nutshell the best way to validate someone's feelings is to NOT BE JUDGMENTAL NO MATTER WHAT. Don't be a know it all or give them unsolicited advice. Don't make them feel like a child or stupid.

[ConfusedInOC]

Very good, thanks!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

I would say that in a nutshell the best way to validate someone's feelings is to NOT BE JUDGMENTAL NO MATTER WHAT.

Hmmm...lets see XNX. The only things I know of that are not judgemental are computers

[FolderWife]

If you understand, simply say, "I understand." Or you can just nod your head. I hate when someone says, "I understand, but..." don't but anything. Simply say, "I understand." You don't always have to argue.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by FolderWife

If you understand, simply say, "I understand." Or you can just nod your head. I hate when someone says, "I understand, but..." don't but anything. Simply say, "I understand." You don't always have to argue.

 

I have a hard time not arguing, especially when I am right (or at least think I am....)

 

So saying "I understand....., I hear you...., I can appreciate how you feel....., I agree....etc" is just the first part, right? I mean, I have to learn to just shut up and listen and not argue.

[EnigmaXOXO]

To me, "validation" means to acknowledge someone's feelings, regardless of whether or not we understand where they might be coming from. That requires empathy and can be done even absent of sympathy. There is a difference.

 

Of course we're talking about validation in relationship to someone else's "feelings" rather than behavior. In this instance, you can't really discount someone's emotions by telling them they're not really feeling what they're feeling regardless of how ridiculous or unwarranted you think their claims are.

 

After all, if someone says they're made at you…they're mad! It matters little whether you feel they're over-reacting or not. HOWEVER…if in a fit of rage they accuse (or blame) you unfairly or act out, you are well within your rights not to agree or enable the continuation of that action/behavior.

 

What are the best ways to validate other's feelings? In specific, what things can you do and say to make someone else feel validated?

 

My partner and I never, ever discount what the other says they are feeling. That's our first golden rule when it comes to maintaining good communication. Nor do we place blame for what we are feeling on the other person directly. We may point to a particular incident or situation which might have triggered an emotion, but we are careful to defuse any potential disagreements by taking ownership of our own feelings upfront without being accusatory. (Takes lots of practice, but after a while it becomes a good habit.)

 

To "validate" each other's feelings, a typical response is usually: "I'm glad you told me, I didn't know you felt that way"…or…"I'm sorry you're feeling that way"…or…"I understand where you're coming from." Once we've given each other permission to "feel," then we both feel safe enough to let down all those self-protective walls and communicate freely and openly. Because we are careful to never discount each other's feelings, our discussions lead to resolutions (and lots of hugs) rather than arguments.

 

In the five years we've been together, I can only recall two occasions when we've raised our voices at each other. And that was usually my slip-up since I'm the one with the Italian temper. While I'm still a relationship numpty in training, I've been blessed with a partner who's a patient teacher. And as clinical and unnatural as our dispute resolution skills might seem to those who actually like a good brouhaha every now and again, these methods have worked phenomenally for us!

 

Thanks for the interesting topic, OC!

[tanbark813]

Do you have a sister in Cali, EnigmaXOXO?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Do you have a sister in Cali, EnigmaXOXO?

 

Have a sister…absolutely GORGIOUS…but nuttier than squirrel turds.

 

As a matter of fact, last month she bashed her husband's computer into pieces and chased him out of the house with a butcher knife because he suggested that they declaw the cat.

 

I don't think Borderlines are very good at dispute resolution or "validating" their partner's feelings.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

Have a sister…absolutely GORGIOUS…but nuttier than squirrel turds.

 

As a matter of fact, last month she bashed her husband's computer into pieces and chased him out of the house with a butcher knife because he suggested that they declaw the cat.

 

I don't think Borderlines are very good at dispute resolution or "validating" their partner's feelings.

 

 

Ok, nevermind then.

[XNemesisX]

Originally posted by alphamale

Hmmm...lets see XNX. The only things I know of that are not judgemental are computers

 

Well...you keep your judgments to yourself. Never let the person know if you are somehow judging what they are saying. It's repulsive.

 

You are right FolderWife.. saying "BUT" is a huge turn off. "I understand....BUT" or "You SHOULD...."

 

Unsolicited advice =

 

Enigma, it sounds like you and your SO have a GREAT idea on how to communicate effectively.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

To me, "validation" means to acknowledge someone's feelings, regardless of whether or not we understand where they might be coming from. That requires empathy and can be done even absent of sympathy. There is a difference.

 

Of course we're talking about validation in relationship to someone else's "feelings" rather than behavior. In this instance, you can't really discount someone's emotions by telling them they're not really feeling what they're feeling regardless of how ridiculous or unwarranted you think their claims are.

 

After all, if someone says they're made at you…they're mad! It matters little whether you feel they're over-reacting or not. HOWEVER…if in a fit of rage they accuse (or blame) you unfairly or act out, you are well within your rights not to agree or enable the continuation of that action/behavior.

 

 

 

My partner and I never, ever discount what the other says they are feeling. That's our first golden rule when it comes to maintaining good communication. Nor do we place blame for what we are feeling on the other person directly. We may point to a particular incident or situation which might have triggered an emotion, but we are careful to defuse any potential disagreements by taking ownership of our own feelings upfront without being accusatory. (Takes lots of practice, but after a while it becomes a good habit.)

 

To "validate" each other's feelings, a typical response is usually: "I'm glad you told me, I didn't know you felt that way"…or…"I'm sorry you're feeling that way"…or…"I understand where you're coming from." Once we've given each other permission to "feel," then we both feel safe enough to let down all those self-protective walls and communicate freely and openly. Because we are careful to never discount each other's feelings, our discussions lead to resolutions (and lots of hugs) rather than arguments.

 

In the five years we've been together, I can only recall two occasions when we've raised our voices at each other. And that was usually my slip-up since I'm the one with the Italian temper. While I'm still a relationship numpty in training, I've been blessed with a partner who's a patient teacher. And as clinical and unnatural as our dispute resolution skills might seem to those who actually like a good brouhaha every now and again, these methods have worked phenomenally for us!

 

Thanks for the interesting topic, OC!

 

Excellent reply, thanks! I definitely hear you.