How to stop beating myself up.

[LNL]

I cheated on my boyfriend months ago with another guy. I've never cheated on anyone in my life. But I cheated on my first love. A guy who loved me despite all my mistakes and would never do anything to hurt me. I feel so bad. It's literally been 5 months ago and I still get anxiety and worries about it. I truly feel I hate myself for it. Cheating was something I told myself I would never do to anyone. But I did it to him . I mean I confessed that I cheated on him because the guilt was eating me alive and I felt I was being even more disloyal by holding that as a secret. I basically kissed another guy, which isn't too bad. But still cheating. He certainly didn't take it too well. It's been a living hell for me, dealing with all his emotions towards it. We are still together working it out. But he still hasn't gotten over it. I don't except him to rush his healing but he still thinks about it. He lashes out every once in a while. I truly feel I don't deserve him. I remember it was getting so bad after I told him, I just couldn't take it. I told him, that "I feel I'm not deserving of you and you deserve someone who will treat right and give you everything you've always wanted. You deserve the best and I've failed to give that to you. I don't even deserve to be called your girlfriend" I actually wrote it in a letter. I could have texted it or said it in person. But wrote it in letter form. As much as I thought he hated me, He came to me begging me to stay like I was the good one. I was in total shock. It's like he forgot about what happened immediately, and was begging me not to leave him. He said "You're my first love and I don't want to lose you. I never loved a girl like I loved you. You are everything to me. Even if you feel you don't deserve me, You do deserve me. I want you to deserve me. I only want you." I didn't know how to take that fr. I was feeling so bad, I still couldn't take what he was saying. But then again, I still didn't want to lose him. So we stayed together. I know he loves me, and I love him. But he certainly doesn't trust me anymore. I've never cheated again and will never. I feel like he will leave me for someone else. I don't feel secure that he's staying with me with right intentions. I feel so guilty. I feel like he will cheat on me with someone else. I feel like this is torture to my brain. But I cheated, I'm wrong. I don't know what to do. These insecurities are destroying me. I hate myself so much because, I'm not the type of person who would do something like that to anyone. I'm so disappointed in myself. I wish I could go back and erase what happened and make him the happiest guy ever.

[road]

I cheated on my boyfriend months ago with another guy. I've never cheated on anyone in my life. But I cheated on my first love. A guy who loved me despite all my mistakes and would never do anything to hurt me. I feel so bad. It's literally been 5 months ago and I still get anxiety and worries about it. I truly feel I hate myself for it. Cheating was something I told myself I would never do to anyone. But I did it to him . I mean I confessed that I cheated on him because the guilt was eating me alive and I felt I was being even more disloyal by holding that as a secret. I basically kissed another guy, which isn't too bad. But still cheating. He certainly didn't take it too well. It's been a living hell for me, dealing with all his emotions towards it. We are still together working it out. But he still hasn't gotten over it. I don't except him to rush his healing but he still thinks about it. He lashes out every once in a while. I truly feel I don't deserve him. I remember it was getting so bad after I told him, I just couldn't take it. I told him, that "I feel I'm not deserving of you and you deserve someone who will treat right and give you everything you've always wanted. You deserve the best and I've failed to give that to you. I don't even deserve to be called your girlfriend" I actually wrote it in a letter. I could have texted it or said it in person. But wrote it in letter form. As much as I thought he hated me, He came to me begging me to stay like I was the good one. I was in total shock. It's like he forgot about what happened immediately, and was begging me not to leave him. He said "You're my first love and I don't want to lose you. I never loved a girl like I loved you. You are everything to me. Even if you feel you don't deserve me, You do deserve me. I want you to deserve me. I only want you." I didn't know how to take that fr. I was feeling so bad, I still couldn't take what he was saying. But then again, I still didn't want to lose him. So we stayed together. I know he loves me, and I love him. But he certainly doesn't trust me anymore. I've never cheated again and will never. I feel like he will leave me for someone else. I don't feel secure that he's staying with me with right intentions. I feel so guilty. I feel like he will cheat on me with someone else. I feel like this is torture to my brain. But I cheated, I'm wrong. I don't know what to do. These insecurities are destroying me. I hate myself so much because, I'm not the type of person who would do something like that to anyone. I'm so disappointed in myself. I wish I could go back and erase what happened and make him the happiest guy ever.

 

How old are you two?

 

 

Infidelity takes two to five years to heal from. And if he gets past your cheating he never will be able to trust you fully ever again.

 

 

Can you be married this way and raise a family for the next fifty years?