Why?

[Stained glass heart]

I just have a question that probably has been answered but I'm going to ask it anyway but before I do, I'll briefly share my story.

 

I had an affair with my old boss ten years ago. He pursued me because at the time, he was getting ready to move and we both knew we'd never see each other again. Or so I thought. At the time he moved, he had a girlfriend, who later became his wife. For the two years that I worked with him, he said he'd never get married. Well, two years later, he married her and then a year later reignited the affair with me. We never stopped talking to each other before he got married. It's was only briefly that I stopped talking to him because I knew he was getting married and it hurt. We had a year and a half long affair. Finally I couldn't take it anymore so I told his wife only because I was guilt tripped into doing so by my first ex husband who at the time was just my friend and didn't like what I was doing and only wanted me to himself. I also knew that I didn't like being treated how I was being treated and I could just tell he wanted out because he had told me he needed a 5 month break. In January of the new year, 2011, I could tell he was pulling away even after we'd made plans to get together but only if it could work. It was always, if it could work for him. I finally got sick of being treated like a toy and I let my ex husband talk me into telling her. After telling her, she emailed me a nice little nasty email thanking me for what I had done but not to worry because that wasn't going to destroy their union. That night, he emailed me and tried to bribe me not to send her stuff for fear of it destroying his marriage. I wasn't going to be bribed. For four years, I was angry and hurt and I went psycho. I admit it. Then two years ago, I decided I wanted answers as to why SHE blamed me for HIS transgression every time. She always emailed me after I went on the attack. We ended up sleeping together and yet again I got land blasted by her in another email. It caused me so much pain that I actually believed the hurt that she felt and projected it onto myself. Finally after much therapy and a new relationship, I emailed him and apologized for my behavior. My question is why does the BS always lash out at the OW especially if she's judgemental and only hears his side and he knows damn well that none of what he tells her about me is true. Why do they do that?

Edited November 26, 2016 by Stained glass heart

[eye of the storm]

Some BSs blame the AP because if they don't, then they have to look at the person they trusted, loved, built a life with and see that it was all a lie.

 

So it is easier to blame the interloper.

 

That being said...the AP, if they knew is not blameless. And some anger coming their way is valid.

 

You knowingly got involved with a MM. Then because you got mad you pushed yourself further into their relationship by telling the BS. Now you are upset she is still mad at you. Kind of like getting mad that you burned your hand by grabbing a pan out of the oven. What did you expect to happen?

[Stained glass heart]

I'm not mad, I just wanted to know why they do that in general. And he wasn't married the first time we had relations. He was only dating her. The second time, he was married. I had tested him to see if he would say no the second time and he failed.

[eye of the storm]

lol loved the "I tested him and he failed" comment. Are you his monitor?

 

Anyway, he was in a relationship the first time and the second time.

 

But if telling yourself he was only dating the first time and it was just a test the second time helps you feel better about it...

 

But you did ask a very valid question.

 

Why.

 

Why did we knowingly get involved with someone who was already in a relationship.

 

Why did we stay with someone who was not free to be with us.

 

Why did we go back to them.

 

Why did WE do what we did.

 

What they do is on them. We can only control or figure out what and why we do what we do. That way we can make healthier decisions for us.

 

Leave them in the past where they belong. And work on why you did what you did.

[gettingstronger]

Re-read your post and admitted behaviors. She's reacting to your behavior which is as you put it pyscho. If you stop interacting with them, she'll stop interacting with you. It's pretty simple.

[Stained glass heart]

You make a valid point. It took me a long time to realize he was just using me to replace something that was missing from their relationship. I've made peace with this, it was only a question.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not mad, I just wanted to know why they do that in general. And he wasn't married the first time we had relations. He was only dating her. The second time, he was married. I had tested him to see if he would say no the second time and he failed.

 

You went into this (a few times) knowing he was with someone and then married her. And you were married as well? You BOTH are to blame, not his wife, nor your husband. Seems you let men (both MM and your H) manipulate you.

 

Their marriage is not your business, stay out of it and their life. Focus on healing and letting go, look within and fix what's broken inside of you. Hanging onto the past and all your pain is only making your life more painful.

Counseling will help you heal in a healthy way.

[Quiet Storm]

It's easy to understand why if you look at your own behavior.

 

You are attracted to this man and feel a connection to him, in spite of knowing that he is a liar and a cheater. You were so emotionally wrapped up in him that you "went psycho", trying to find answers, to get his attention, etc.

 

So you must admit that there's something about this man that brings out your irrational side. It makes perfect sense that if he has this effect on you, that he could also create that same passion and emotional instability in a different woman. In addition, both you and his wife minimize his bad traits and character issues. Because who in their right mind would find a guy like this attractive, right?

 

You are obviously not the only woman he has this kind of power over. She loves him. She wants to be with him. So she minimizes the bad traits and sees you as an intruder in her marriage, instead of seeing him as the manipulative as5hole that's inviting you in.

 

The thing is, cheaters will often go back to past affair partners. Not because the connection is so great that they can't stay away, but because they know you're down for that. They don't have to waste time grooming a new woman and getting her to the point where she'd lower her standards and actually participate in an affair. He already knows you're willing to participate and that you don't have high standards. So instead of placing the blame solely on him for cheating, she blames you for responding. After all, if no women were willing, he couldn't cheat. She can't trust him, but hopes that potential OW will say "No way, I'm not fooling around with a married guy!" Imagine if he was a recovering drug addict and a friend kept offering him drugs or doing them in front of him. If he chooses to use the drugs, that's absolutely on him. But the friend is pretty effed up for tempting him like that. The friend is obviously not looking out for his best interests. That's how she sees you- someone who brings out the worst in him.

 

It's not helping their marriage if she doesn't hold him accountable, though.

[Quiet Storm]

Double post

[stillafool]

I'm not mad, I just wanted to know why they do that in general. And he wasn't married the first time we had relations. He was only dating her. The second time, he was married. I had tested him to see if he would say no the second time and he failed.

 

Because she's in love with him and could care less about you. To her you're the snake that crawled into her bed spreading venom.

[DKT3]

You make a valid point. It took me a long time to realize he was just using me to replace something that was missing from their relationship. I've made peace with this, it was only a question.

 

I think this is a huge fallacy of ow, thinking they always offer something he doesn't get at home...rarely the case...ow most often offers more. Easy sex with a woman who has excepted the role as side chick. Not what's missing, just simply more.

Edited November 27, 2016 by DKT3

[S2B]

It's never useful to ask why. It solves absolutely nothing.

 

The better question to ask yourself is "how can I make this different?"

[S2B]

I'm not mad, I just wanted to know why they do that in general. And he wasn't married the first time we had relations. He was only dating her. The second time, he was married. I had tested him to see if he would say no the second time and he failed.

 

And "why?"

 

Because someone willingly volunteered - that was you. But it could have been anyone.

 

That's "why".

[sandylee1]

Why? Because it's easier to blame and hate someone you don't know or love. Then when that someone informs you of the affair, you see that as further trying to hurt you, especially when it comes with no apology or acceptance of blame.

 

It looks like jealousy and that you are trying to split them up, so you get a response like you did.

 

The OW is blamed a lot more than the OM, because women are expected to have higher morals.

[freengreen]

These affairs are not for sensitive hearted. It will rip them to peices, however those who have no remorse or guilt just get on with multiple As.

 

I wont deny that you were hurt, so did BS, guess who ate the cake. You now know what it is, just leave it be, you are hurting yourself again looking for answers.

Edited November 27, 2016 by freengreen

[Starswillshine]

What do you expect from her? Friendship? To leave you alone when you won't leave her family alone?

 

And you have no idea what she and her husband are going through. Trust me, the WH never get off easy either. She is trying to protect her family.

[aileD]

I think it's wrong to assume that the BW also doesn't blame the WH and is only placing blame on the OW.

 

The thing is, we are married to the WH. Yes he went outside the marriage and yes we have to deal with that and how to handle it. But we also have kids, house, life tied up in WH and we probs lt arent 100% sure if we want to stay married or not. But the thing is, we don't know YOU--the OW.

 

So of course we are going to hate you. You slept with out husband--the one we do know. The one we aren't sure if we still want or not but we sure as hell aren't going to tell YOU that. Because we don't have a chance in hell of staying with our partner as long as YOU are around. WH can't give our marriage the attention and respect it needs to figure out if it's going to survive with YOU in the picture.

 

So, we hate you. You're a threat to our marriage and our children....yes..our children. Because we aren't sure yet if our marriage will work but we don't want our kids hurt and you represent that.

 

I do blame my husband for his affair because he had a commitment to me and he didn't care about that. But I also look down on the OW because she knew he was married and she knew we had kids and she didn't care. But see..we never loved the OW. We don't have a history win the OW. It's easy to hate you. Doesn't mean we don't blame our husbands too but it's easy to hate you because there's no history and feeling behind you.

 

 

Is it right? Does it make sense? Eh. Sometimes. I'll admit it doesn't always make sense and it isn't always right but then you must admit you deserve her negative feelings towards you. You have no reason to hurt her---but you did by having an affair with her H.you were a part of that. Sure if it wasn't you it would have probably been someone else...but it WAS you. So own it.