Friend told me he was sexually abused

[CharlieMJL88]

Hi everyone,

 

My closest friend (he is 30 years old now) told me recently that when he was 12 years old, he lost his virginity to an 18-year-old female. He has a history of childhood abuse/neglect, and this is just the latest thing he’s told me. He said that he was talking to her one day, telling her that he doesn’t know anything about sex, and she suggested that she “show him the ropes” and she took him “under her wing for a while.” He said he was terrified at first, but it got less scary as time went on. I don’t think that my friend even realizes that this is abuse/statutory rape. He just thinks that the age difference is “weird.” What do I say to this? Do I explain that this is statutory rape? I feel like I can’t ignore it and pretend it is ok, but I also don’t want to make him ashamed. Anything you can suggest would be greatly appreciated. For some reason, I'm so upset by this.

[Miss Clavel]

i'm not sure what you should do. i'm not sure what i would do if someone told me about this. he was interested in sex enough to tell her he didn't know much about it. he was interested enough to continue to "learn" from her and he wasn't hurt or frightened to the point of disclosing to anyone.

 

does he know where the woman is now? she may be a predator. she may just be an immature friendless reject?

 

you are right not to come at this with a posture of shame. clearly he isn't ashamed.

 

maybe you should ask the mods to move this to the abuse section?

[CharlieMJL88]

Thank you Miss Clavel! I didn't realize there was an abuse section. He doesn't keep in touch with the girl. I may just be extra upset because I know he's had a long history of abuse, but this is the first time it's sexual. I feel that, if he were a 12 year old girl, with an 18 year old man, no one would question the inappropriateness. For some reason I feel it is murky because he was a boy, as much as I wish it weren't like that.

[elaine567]

Does he see it as abuse, or just the way he lost his virginity

Are the memories pleasant in general or does he feel she took advantage of him?

If he is not ashamed nor particularly perturbed then perhaps better to let sleeping dogs lie. If he has a catalog of abuse behind him then maybe better not to stir this up now.

He may be fragile mentally, and something like this if probed too deeply or looked at with a judgemental eye, may just tip him over the edge.

Be careful here.

[preraph]

Every guy I knew well lost their virginity to a girl a little bit older (not 18) when they were literally 12, which parents find hard to believe, but boys start experimenting very early. If he feels he was abused and it's bothering him then he can go to a therapist and work through it. If he doesn't feel abused but wonders if he should, a therapist might still be helpful. The guys I knew were just bragging about it. One guy felt abused because it was some guy much older, of course, and that did cause him some major problems.

[CharlieMJL88]

Thank you everyone for your responses so far. I don't know what his memory of the experience is like, i.e. Good or bad. He was abandoned by his mother, had an alcoholic father who was never there, basically raised himself and was on drugs and very sexually active by the time he was 12. He has been clean since he was 16 but all of the stuff he went through still haunts him and we talk about it a lot. Regarding this experience, he said it was "weird but good" but he was terrified at first. Is it ok to tell him what it is, i.e. Statutory rape, but that he shouldn't be ashamed and it's fine if he is ok with it, but if he wants to talk about it more, I am here for him? He said it in an email, so I can respond in writing.

[LargoLagg]

Hi everyone,

 

My closest friend (he is 30 years old now) told me recently that when he was 12 years old, he lost his virginity to an 18-year-old female. He has a history of childhood abuse/neglect, and this is just the latest thing he’s told me. He said that he was talking to her one day, telling her that he doesn’t know anything about sex, and she suggested that she “show him the ropes” and she took him “under her wing for a while.” He said he was terrified at first, but it got less scary as time went on. I don’t think that my friend even realizes that this is abuse/statutory rape. He just thinks that the age difference is “weird.” What do I say to this? Do I explain that this is statutory rape? I feel like I can’t ignore it and pretend it is ok, but I also don’t want to make him ashamed. Anything you can suggest would be greatly appreciated. For some reason, I'm so upset by this.

First of all, he's 30. I can't imagine he's not familiar with statutory rape. Abuse? Probably in the eye of the beholder at this point.

 

Did you ask he why he told you about that or why he's even thinking about it? I'd start with him there, that might give you a clue as to whether you need to do anything.

[elaine567]

Is it ok to tell him what it is, i.e. Statutory rape, but that he shouldn't be ashamed and it's fine if he is ok with it, but if he wants to talk about it more, I am here for him?.

 

Why are you obsessing over telling him it was statutory rape?

If he senses your "judgement", of course he is going to be ashamed and upset, telling him not to be, won't help one iota.

[salparadise]

I don’t think that my friend even realizes that this is abuse/statutory rape. He just thinks that the age difference is “weird.” What do I say to this? Do I explain that this is statutory rape? I feel like I can’t ignore it and pretend it is ok, but I also don’t want to make him ashamed. Anything you can suggest would be greatly appreciated. For some reason, I'm so upset by this.

 

It he doesn't feel that it was abuse/rape and isn't traumatized by it, then just let it go. Part of being a good friend is listening and knowing what not to say. You can't change what happened, but you certainly could make him more ashamed. I suggest that you resist going into judgement/fix-it mode and just be a friend.

[CharlieMJL88]

Here is another reason I want to tell him that it is statutory rape. He is being resentenced in criminal court for something that he did when he was 16, and being the victim of stat rape could be a mitigating factor, and I dont think he knows that something like this could possibly get him a reduced sentencie. He should tell his lawyer.

 

I didnt want to say that at first, because I was concerned everyone would focus on the fact that he was a criminal rather than the question.

[elaine567]

Here is another reason I want to tell him that it is statutory rape. He is being resentenced in criminal court for something that he did when he was 16, and being the victim of stat rape could be a mitigating factor, and I dont think he knows that something like this could possibly get him a reduced sentencie. He should tell his lawyer.

 

I didnt want to say that at first, because I was concerned everyone would focus on the fact that he was a criminal rather than the question.

 

He needs evidence.

Judges aren't going to take hearsay into account, I guess they get bombarded with "excuses" every day.

I highly doubt bringing this up now will do him any good.

Had there been charges brought and it was found that statutory rape had occurred when he was 12 then maybe, but people get abused all the time and never ever commit offences so it is not guaranteed that a judge would take that into consideration and reduce his sentence. It all depends on the severity of the offence and whether losing his virginity at 12 was relevant.

[CharlieMJL88]

Thank you again for your responses. I understand where you are coming from. If this were a girl, would any of your responses change? If she were 12 and the man were 18? I'm not trying to be argumentative, just wondering if the fact he was male is a factor.

[LargoLagg]

Thank you again for your responses. I understand where you are coming from. If this were a girl, would any of your responses change? If she were 12 and the man were 18? I'm not trying to be argumentative, just wondering if the fact he was male is a factor.

Not if she was 30.

[preraph]

Thank you everyone for your responses so far. I don't know what his memory of the experience is like, i.e. Good or bad. He was abandoned by his mother, had an alcoholic father who was never there, basically raised himself and was on drugs and very sexually active by the time he was 12. He has been clean since he was 16 but all of the stuff he went through still haunts him and we talk about it a lot. Regarding this experience, he said it was "weird but good" but he was terrified at first. Is it ok to tell him what it is, i.e. Statutory rape, but that he shouldn't be ashamed and it's fine if he is ok with it, but if he wants to talk about it more, I am here for him? He said it in an email, so I can respond in writing.

 

I'm sure he's already aware it's statutory rape. You really don't need to do anything except be nonjudgemental and listen to him so he can express himself. Likely the other things in his life were more of a problem, his parents, etc. And aren't a whole lot of us, especially guys, terrified the first time we do it? Just listen to him and don't try to advise him. Let him say whatever he wants. He's old enough to make his own decisions. And if he's messed up, it's probably more from the circumstances he grew up in than this one teenage girl.