My husband is indifferent to his brother making a pass at me

[Texasswing]

Over Thanksgiving with the in laws, we spent the holiday at my husband's brother's home with his wife and 2 kids. After a couple drinks my husband's brother became touchy feely, which progressed from rubbing my back, to touching the small of my back, to grabbing and touching my butt whenever he was near me, all in front of his parents and wife. My husband was oblivious to it all. For the remainder of the time we were there, I made sure never to be alone w/him in a room or walk near him. It was incredibly awkward.

 

On the drive home, I told my husband what had happened and his only response was that it was nothing. That's it. Not sure what to do with that response. To me, it wasn't nothing, it was embarrassing and degrading and he doesn't understand that and is now upset with me for being bothered by it. Has anyone had a similar experience or know why my husband would be so indifferent?

[lovemebreakme]

I wouldn't be okay with that. If my husband's brother was getting touchy touchy like that and he wasn't bothered by that I'd be extremely upset.

[mrs rubble]

You allowed it to happen, I would have told him to keep his hands to himself in front of everyone. Your silence says you were ok with it in their eyes.

[basil67]

You allowed it to happen, I would have told him to keep his hands to himself in front of everyone. Your silence says you were ok with it in their eyes.

 

Except that women (especially old ones like me) were trained from an early age to not make waves. There have been situations where I *wish* I'd spoken out too.

 

I'm kind of torn about this. I do think it's the woman's role to set a guy straight. But I understand the social conditioning which influences why she may not do so.

[mrs rubble]

Except that women (especially old ones like me) were trained from an early age to not make waves. There have been situations where I *wish* I'd spoken out too.

 

I'm kind of torn about this. I do think it's the woman's role to set a guy straight. But I understand the social conditioning which influences why she may not do so.

 

Get where you're coming from, it's taken me years to speak up when it matters. I wish I'd found the guts to do it years ago.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Texas, sorry your evening was spoiled by your BIL. Has he ever behaved like this before? Also does he have a reputation as a rake within the family? I am surprised your husband was not upset with this kind of behaviour by his brother. Is he older or younger than his brother? Also how do you think he would have reacted if it had been another male rather than his brother. Mrs. Rubble is right on the ball with her advice. The next time something like this happens just speak up and make your feelings clear to a predator like him. Warm wishes.

[doyathinkso]

And where was the husband's brother's wife during all of this?

 

Are your BIL and his wife swingers perchance?

 

Maybe your husband was into it?

[LargoLagg]

I trust that they're not identical twins.... sorry, I couldn't resist.

 

Your story tells me this is nothing new for your husband. Why don't you pull your BIL aside next time and ask him what it is that he wants from you? What!?! Is that a tape recorder in your pocket?

 

Oh, and don't use it for anything other than to obtain a little respect.

[Marc878]

Over Thanksgiving with the in laws, we spent the holiday at my husband's brother's home with his wife and 2 kids. After a couple drinks my husband's brother became touchy feely, which progressed from rubbing my back, to touching the small of my back, to grabbing and touching my butt whenever he was near me, all in front of his parents and wife. My husband was oblivious to it all. For the remainder of the time we were there, I made sure never to be alone w/him in a room or walk near him. It was incredibly awkward.

 

On the drive home, I told my husband what had happened and his only response was that it was nothing. That's it. Not sure what to do with that response. To me, it wasn't nothing, it was embarrassing and degrading and he doesn't understand that and is now upset with me for being bothered by it. Has anyone had a similar experience or know why my husband would be so indifferent?

 

A sharp slap across the face would have been appropriate

[basil67]

A sharp slap across the face would have been appropriate

 

I can't condone violence in any way. But publicly putting him in his place would be quite appropriate.

[jen1447]

Sth doesn't quite add up. If his wife, his parents and your hubs all had nothing to say about any of it, that's extremely odd. Has there been any sign of weirdness like this among them before? I assume you'd know if they belonged to some creeper cult.

[Marc878]

Sth doesn't quite add up. If his wife, his parents and your hubs all had nothing to say about any of it, that's extremely odd. Has there been any sign of weirdness like this among them before? I assume you'd know if they belonged to some creeper cult.

 

Very strange

[Jersey born raised]

Beyond strange. First I would write your BIL, not call at his time and demand an apology, in very blunt terms. There are times, to often actually, guys need a come to Jesus with a 6x6 to the side of the head otherwise they just will not get it. The note should state clearly: your actions where rude and disrespectful to myself, your brother, and my marraige and will not be repeated in the future. Do not attempt in anyway to suggest otherwise which will only make matters worse. You need to understand and accept that at times respect is shown not because you believe an action is either respectful or disrespectful but by honoring the other's point of view. Understand a brief hug from an inlaw is almost always welcome but the touching you engaged in I find disrespectful. Please apologized, honor my point of view so we can move forward.

 

As to your husband. Land on him hard. As a guy it can be confusing when to step in and say something at times. The reason is you are an adult, capable of speaking up for yourself. To just step in could be viewed as disrespectful towards the woman. I usually simply say "excuse me but is he making you a bit uncomfortable? But this is not the case here. You asked him to step up and he failed you. This is in fact a serious issue.

 

Just as your BIL needs to understand that sometimes it is the other persons point of view needs to be honored, he does as well. I suggest you both develop A non verbal signal to each other something is upsetting one of you and the other needs to step in. After sending BIL the note show your husband but warn him up front the only acceptable response from your husband will be an aplogy from him to you and a conversation of why it was disrespectful and how "we" as a couple should handle future situations.

[sandylee1]

The BIL will likely deny it and being a bit tipsy will say he can't remember. There's something odd about his wife not reacting though and in front of their parents.

 

Strange family.

[Friskyone4u]

As others have said, this is beyond strange because of the openness of it.

 

Sorry to say it but your husband is

(1) afraid of confronting his brother

(2) unconcerned because he doesn't care

(3) a clueless idiot in his own world.

 

If this was so obvious I cannot understand no one else in the family saying anything. So apparently they are not too bright either.

 

I'd tell your husband next time you'll let his brotyher put his hand into your pants. See if that gets his attrention