Bad decisions...no one else to talk to

[Baddecisions111]

Hey everyone so hear me out since I have no one to talk to about this not even my own mother.

I've been with this amazing girl for more than 4 years and we planned to get married by next year however lately I've been having but one issue with her she is soo focused about her work that when it comes to sex she comes back from the restaurant she works in dead tired after a 16hrs shift that sex isn't even an option. so about a month ago I went to this bar for drinks with couple friends I saw this pretty girl we spoke managed to get her number spoke for a while on whatsup and went on a date had to lie obviously said i was single that i'm serious about kids etc since she was quite direct since beginign that she just got out of a relation since her Ex didn't want kids and she wants st serious.So we started hanging out all the time even when my fiancé was off had to lie say I was working and been on her all day with her it's Fun sex is more than great feels like high school love again and i can share many things with her expect the fiancé part of course had to cover many things form my FB pictures of me and my fiancé did lot of privacy settings and I think i even started to fall in love with her many of you will say i'm only engaged to break up with my fiancé but it's impossible she met all my family . my grand mother before dying told me to take care of her she's the "Wife" type the woman you want to have kids with who will be good to your kids and good influence and who listens when she's supposed to but the other one is just wild . after 1 month of seeying her , her ex found out she started seeing someone else so she started texting him which i saw on her phone but I didn't tell her anything about it about 4 days ago we were supposed to go on a trip but she said that she promised her Ex bfore breaking up to take him to this concert and that she keeps her promises she asked about my opinion I was a gentleman and said your choice but if you promised i'm gonna force you to do st you don't feel like it . and she said she was confused that she knew the guy for 2 years and knows his family but she is very into me but afraid i might break up with her after a month or so and that she's scared of trying the new way ' me " or going back to the old way which she knows that she needed the weekend for her to think so she went to the concert with him which last 4 days but she started texting a lot less still texting me stuff such as " baby how was your day etc " the issue is I feel that i've starting falling for her and i don't wanna lose her and there is no way for me to tell my fiancé what I did caus that definitely cannot happen since she's the one who's meant to be the mother of my kids . what to do i ****ed up and deserves whatever bad things come to me in my life and my fiancé if she finds out it would destroy me i feel like i'm in love deeply with 2 woman each one has what the other doesn't have what would you do ?

[salparadise]

I'd post it all on LS and give everyone the opportunity to excoriate me, of course. Do you really think anyone is going to be sympathetic?

 

You've probably ruined it with your fiancé, assuming that relationship had any future anyway. Tell her it's over and see what develops with the new girl. It would probably be a good idea to google the words "integrity" and "authenticity" and think about them for a minute or two.

[Expectmore]

I dont know what i would do but the right thing to do is stay with your girl if all is good.

The other is questionable on her direction.

Then if you commit to her, keep your head down and stick to business when it comes to other females. They will always talk and flirt but if your heart belongs to someone, then give thkem the respect and loyalty they deserve.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think the respectable thing to do is to tell your girlfriend what you have done....

 

The decision whether or not to continue in a relationship with you should be hers. She may forgive you....or she may decide that if you could do this to her now...you may also do this to her 10 years from now when you have two kids and she is exhausted and is not giving you the sex you think you deserve.

 

There is no excuse for cheating. You made a very conscience decision to do so. It was not an accident....you knew exactly what you were doing.

 

Make a conscience decision now....and be honest with your fiance.

[Baddecisions111]

Not asking for sympathy here at all knew what i did was f-up and as of honesty if I do have the balls to do it would destory my fiancé and the simple idea for seeing her crying would kill me , I know what I did was bad but so far she's very happy with me i'm always good to her and she to me so she doesn't suspect anything and trusts me fully which kills me so bad cause she's the woman I wanna end up with have kids with . and since i think i've fallen for the other one "too" it's hard ot let her go and just go back to her ex without even trying she hasn't texted in a day my mind tells me it's for the good that it was fun and all and it's better for it to end this way that way i move along and i wouldn't be the one who has to break up with her becaus eventually she will wants kids and all and i'm not gonna be that guy for her caus I have my plans with my fiancé already . and my heart tells me to keep her at least for a while for more fun which is super selfish of me i know.

[BluesPower]

Well first off capitalization and punctuation please. First language second language whatever.

 

You have no choice except to tell your F and really I think break it off with her.

 

Whether you and the other girl ride off in to the sunset or not, you need to set her free.

 

Now you know how the right woman can make you feel, don't settle for the other kind. And, if you have any kind of integrity you have to tell her and brake it off.

 

To do anything else is setting her and you up for a life that will be full of pain and lies. You really don't want that.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Not asking for sympathy here at all knew what i did was f-up and as of honesty if I do have the balls to do it would destory my fiancé and the simple idea for seeing her crying would kill me , I know what I did was bad but so far she's very happy with me i'm always good to her and she to me so she doesn't suspect anything and trusts me fully which kills me so bad cause she's the woman I wanna end up with have kids with . and since i think i've fallen for the other one "too" it's hard ot let her go and just go back to her ex without even trying she hasn't texted in a day my mind tells me it's for the good that it was fun and all and it's better for it to end this way that way i move along and i wouldn't be the one who has to break up with her becaus eventually she will wants kids and all and i'm not gonna be that guy for her caus I have my plans with my fiancé already . and my heart tells me to keep her at least for a while for more fun which is super selfish of me i know.

 

I feel sorry for your fiance/gf. You are NON BUENO and bad news for both these ladies.

[oldshirt]

A bad decision is withdrawing your 401k to buy a new car that you've been drooling over.

 

Lying and cheating and manipulating and portraying yourself as someone and something you are not is bad character and bad behavior.

 

The reason your GF loves you is because she doesn't know the real you yet. That is because you have been portraying a false persona to her and deceiving and manipulating her.

 

You'll only be able to do that for so long before all the cracks in the foundation will start leaking and expanding.

 

It's ok to pick up chicks in bars and it's ok to screw lots of chicks that are out for a good time and not wanting to setting down at the moment. There are plenty of them out there so you don't have to pretend to be something you are not.

 

You don't have to settle for women that want stable relationships and marriage and families etc that you have to jump through hoops and portray yourself as relationship and family oriented person to get. Those women are a whole heck of a lot more work and they cost you a lot more in the long run than chicks that are just out looking for some thrills.

 

Why settle and why limit yourself? Just be open and honest with yourself that you want to be with a variety of women and not be tied down.

 

Trust me, if you think your sex life with your GF is luckluster now, just wait until there are screaming, pooping kids and diapers and mortgage payments and utility bills due. You can kiss your sexlife good bye when that happens.

 

Not everyone is cut out to be a married family person. It's ok to be single and not tied down. It's ok to pick up different chicks in bars and be available for girls that need an ego boost and validation for a night or two when they break up with their boyfriends.

 

It's ok to be a dog. Lots of chicks dig and prefer them in fact. But It's not ok for you or for them to be a dog in pussy-cat clothing. You will both be miserable when you are stuck in domestic situation because you tried to pretend to be something and someone that you are not.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Not asking for sympathy here at all knew what i did was f-up and as of honesty if I do have the balls to do it would destory my fiancé and the simple idea for seeing her crying would kill me , I know what I did was bad but so far she's very happy with me i'm always good to her and she to me so she doesn't suspect anything and trusts me fully which kills me so bad cause she's the woman I wanna end up with have kids with . and since i think i've fallen for the other one "too" it's hard ot let her go and just go back to her ex without even trying she hasn't texted in a day my mind tells me it's for the good that it was fun and all and it's better for it to end this way that way i move along and i wouldn't be the one who has to break up with her becaus eventually she will wants kids and all and i'm not gonna be that guy for her caus I have my plans with my fiancé already . and my heart tells me to keep her at least for a while for more fun which is super selfish of me i know.

 

You should have considered how your actions would destroy your fiance BEFORE you decided to pursue another woman and jump into bed with her. It's a little late for that now.

 

Once you have cheated...you cannot undo it. You cannot wish it away...and while you may successfully hide it from others....you can never hide it from yourself. YOU know what you did...and it will FOREVER be a part of you.

 

This can cause many issues within your relationship with your fiance...whether you tell her or not.

 

In truth...you don't want to tell her...because of the pain it will cause you...not her. By keeping this secret....your continue your selfishness. You only thought about you when you did this....and you are continuing to think of you now.

 

Let's turn this around for a minute.

 

If your fiance had done what you have done...would you want to know? Do you think it would be fair to go ahead and marry her and then maybe 10 years from now finding out that she cheated? Would it hurt you just as much then as it would now? I can tell you that loveshack is full of stories where the spouse has found out YEARS later that their partners cheated before they were married ...and it devastates them.

 

There is never a guarantee that your fiance will never find out. I can assure you...it will be much better coming from you now than finding out later.

 

The choice is yours....but don't blow smoke and try to convince us all that you are a good guy who doesn't want to hurt his fiance.

 

You already did that. Too late now.

 

Now is the time to show your fiance the sorrow for what you have done and to beg her forgiveness....and accept the consequences for your actions. If that means losing her....then the punishment is just. You cannot be 100% committed to another person and cheat on them. I have walked in your shoes.....I became 100% committed to me instead of my spouse....I thought of me first....and it almost destroyed my husband and my marriage.

 

There is hope after infidelity....but the first step has to be understanding the severity of what you have done...and to take responsibility for it.

[salparadise]

You should have considered how your actions would destroy your fiance BEFORE you decided to pursue another woman and jump into bed with her. It's a little late for that now.

 

Once you have cheated...you cannot undo it. You cannot wish it away...and while you may successfully hide it from others....you can never hide it from yourself. YOU know what you did...and it will FOREVER be a part of you.

 

This can cause many issues within your relationship with your fiance...whether you tell her or not.

 

In truth...you don't want to tell her...because of the pain it will cause you...not her. By keeping this secret....your continue your selfishness. You only thought about you when you did this....and you are continuing to think of you now.

 

Let's turn this around for a minute.

 

If your fiance had done what you have done...would you want to know? Do you think it would be fair to go ahead and marry her and then maybe 10 years from now finding out that she cheated? Would it hurt you just as much then as it would now? I can tell you that loveshack is full of stories where the spouse has found out YEARS later that their partners cheated before they were married ...and it devastates them.

 

There is never a guarantee that your fiance will never find out. I can assure you...it will be much better coming from you now than finding out later.

 

The choice is yours....but don't blow smoke and try to convince us all that you are a good guy who doesn't want to hurt his fiance.

 

You already did that. Too late now.

 

Now is the time to show your fiance the sorrow for what you have done and to beg her forgiveness....and accept the consequences for your actions. If that means losing her....then the punishment is just. You cannot be 100% committed to another person and cheat on them. I have walked in your shoes.....I became 100% committed to me instead of my spouse....I thought of me first....and it almost destroyed my husband and my marriage.

 

There is hope after infidelity....but the first step has to be understanding the severity of what you have done...and to take responsibility for it.

 

 

Why do moral absolutists spend so much energy trying to convince that their way is the only way. It's worse than a bible thumping TV preacher telling everyone that they'll be rewarded with eternal salvation if they send their savings to their ministry today––hallelujah! It's fine if that's what you believe, but the perpetual prosthelytizing is over the top.

 

You know this guy isn't going to confess, and you also know that if he did it would hurt his fiancé terribly and both would suffer consequences. True, it may be more about avoiding consequences himself, but I still don't believe that confession automatically brings redemption... I'm not saying he shouldn't, just prosthelytizing against prosthelytizing.

[BluesPower]

I don't know Sal, don't you think that when you have screwed someone over like this you should tell them instead of just breaking up and letting the other person wonder what they did to cause it?

 

Seems to me that would be so much more compassionate to the betrayed Fiancé than just dumping her without a true explanation.

 

It may not do anything for the guilt he should/does feel but I think it would be a more honest and compassionate way to break up with her.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Why do moral absolutists spend so much energy trying to convince that their way is the only way. It's worse than a bible thumping TV preacher telling everyone that they'll be rewarded with eternal salvation if they send their savings to their ministry today––hallelujah! It's fine if that's what you believe, but the perpetual prosthelytizing is over the top.

 

You know this guy isn't going to confess, and you also know that if he did it would hurt his fiancé terribly and both would suffer consequences. True, it may be more about avoiding consequences himself, but I still don't believe that confession automatically brings redemption... I'm not saying he shouldn't, just prosthelytizing against prosthelytizing.

 

you are right...he wont confess...and this poor girl will blindly marry him. He will feel he got by with it once....and most likely repeat the infidelity again.

 

My way is not the only way....and he has the option to listen or not. He is the one that posted on a forum asking for opinions. I gave him mine. He can simply ignore everything I said.

 

I did not say confessing brings redemption....most likely...his girlfriend will dump him. I just happen to think she deserves the right to make the best decision for her...and she cannot do that if she doesn't know.

 

Yes...they will both suffer pain....and he has no one to blame but himself.

[salparadise]

I don't know Sal, don't you think that when you have screwed someone over like this you should tell them instead of just breaking up and letting the other person wonder what they did to cause it?

 

Seems to me that would be so much more compassionate to the betrayed Fiancé than just dumping her without a true explanation.

 

It may not do anything for the guilt he should/does feel but I think it would be a more honest and compassionate way to break up with her.

 

I don't have a definitive answer for this situation, and certainly not a one-size-fits-all solution to every situation. I think if he decides to break up and pursue it with the other girl, perhaps just say he's found someone else and fell for her. She's going to know there was sex, of course, but he doesn't have to rub it in.

 

But it sounds like he's going to let the new one go and stay with the fiancé, in which case I still don't have a definitive answer because I'm not absolutist. I tend to view things as complex or multifaceted, apparently. I don't pretend to have all the answers and I'm skeptical of anyone who does.

 

Oh I know the other side of the argument... that she has a right to know, or that she would want to know. But I think that's simplistic and absolutists, as well as not necessarily being true.

 

If I try and imagine myself in that situation, I'd find it to be a difficult dilemma. To hurt the fiancé, likely even destroy her world (and mine too)... it's just not a given that it makes anything better or rights the wrong.

[salparadise]

Let's just use a hypothetical situation... let's say I had a girlfriend that I adored, was in love with, and we planned to marry and spend our lives together. And let's say she had to much to drink, messed up and slept with an old boyfriend or colleague or something... a one-time screw up, regretted it, not a pattern of behavior, and not a situation that she wanted to continue. Otherwise, we have a great relationship with a promising future.

 

Would I want her to tell me... under the presumption that I had a right to know, or that it would somehow make right the wrong? I don't think so. I'd be happier not knowing. My life wouldn't be disrupted, my world wouldn't fall apart. My heart wouldn't have to be broken.

 

Sometimes when people confess it's because they can't carry that burden and they're looking for catharsis, to unburden themselves at the other's expense. I think that's selfishness, not moralistic.

 

All I'm really saying is, there is not a definitive answer that fits every situation. The universe is more complex than that.

[Grapesofwrath]

Hey everyone so hear me out since I have no one to talk to about this not even my own mother.

I've been with this amazing girl for more than 4 years and we planned to get married by next year however lately I've been having but one issue with her she is soo focused about her work that when it comes to sex she comes back from the restaurant she works in dead tired after a 16hrs shift that sex isn't even an option. so about a month ago I went to this bar for drinks with couple friends I saw this pretty girl we spoke managed to get her number spoke for a while on whatsup and went on a date had to lie obviously said i was single that i'm serious about kids etc since she was quite direct since beginign that she just got out of a relation since her Ex didn't want kids and she wants st serious.So we started hanging out all the time even when my fiancé was off had to lie say I was working and been on her all day with her it's Fun sex is more than great feels like high school love again and i can share many things with her expect the fiancé part of course had to cover many things form my FB pictures of me and my fiancé did lot of privacy settings and I think i even started to fall in love with her many of you will say i'm only engaged to break up with my fiancé but it's impossible she met all my family . my grand mother before dying told me to take care of her she's the "Wife" type the woman you want to have kids with who will be good to your kids and good influence and who listens when she's supposed to but the other one is just wild . after 1 month of seeying her , her ex found out she started seeing someone else so she started texting him which i saw on her phone but I didn't tell her anything about it about 4 days ago we were supposed to go on a trip but she said that she promised her Ex bfore breaking up to take him to this concert and that she keeps her promises she asked about my opinion I was a gentleman and said your choice but if you promised i'm gonna force you to do st you don't feel like it . and she said she was confused that she knew the guy for 2 years and knows his family but she is very into me but afraid i might break up with her after a month or so and that she's scared of trying the new way ' me " or going back to the old way which she knows that she needed the weekend for her to think so she went to the concert with him which last 4 days but she started texting a lot less still texting me stuff such as " baby how was your day etc " the issue is I feel that i've starting falling for her and i don't wanna lose her and there is no way for me to tell my fiancé what I did caus that definitely cannot happen since she's the one who's meant to be the mother of my kids . what to do i ****ed up and deserves whatever bad things come to me in my life and my fiancé if she finds out it would destroy me i feel like i'm in love deeply with 2 woman each one has what the other doesn't have what would you do ?

 

1)...I echo Blues. Punctuation and paragraphs please.

 

2: You did not f**k up. You made a series of deliberate actions and choices that lead you to your current situation. This shows a startling lack of forethought and awareness. If nothing else, it indicates that you are not ready to make a decision about marriage and family.

 

3: You mentioned you went out for drinks with friends. Did they see you hitting on this girl? I assume they also know about your fiancee, so how was it that stood by and watched the events unfold?

 

4: You are showing the classic cheater maneuver of blaming your fiancee for your cheating. She works long hard hours, isn't giving you as much sex as you want, so you cheated. You blame her for your actions. You had many other options in that situation, and you chose cheating. Own it.

 

5: Your description of the situation is astoundingly selfish. You say you know you messed up, but then go on to describe everything that YOU want and YOU don't want to have happen. You want to preserve the option to have your fiancee, while also preserving the option to date. Unless you fiancee signs off on that agreement, you can't have both. Doesn't work like that.

 

6. My advise is to set your fiancee free. Break up with her. You are not ready for marriage and a family and you won't be ready for a very long time. If that is her goal, then you are simply an obstacle to her achieving that goal. As Old Shirt put it, she is in love with you now only because she doesn't know the real you.

[eye of the storm]

Sal, if this were a drunken one nighter. I would agree with you.

 

But instead he has 2 women who think he is only dating them. 2 women who are looking to build a future with him. And all he does is lie to them both and screw them both out of being with someone that cares about them. Because he doesn't.

 

He claims seeing his F cry would kill him. What does he think is going to happen in the future? After she does marry him and he does this again...and he will. Will he like seeing the disgust his family has that he devistated his wife, see his crying children, be separated from his children in the divorce?

 

This guy wants to be a player. Then he should be honest about it. Go play. Don't destroy the people you play with though. Be honest. That way you can look yourself in the mirror and not see a terrible person.

[LargoLagg]

The way your fiancé may feel about this is not really your concern, as strange as that sounds. But the fact is that you shouldn't really marry her, not for your family, not for your dead grandmother, not because every indication says that she'll be a great mother. I mean, look at you... your hardworking fiance comes home after 16 hours of work and doesn't want to bang you, so what do you do? Take her on a vacation? Tell her to call in sick and give her a fantastic, restful day capped off by the kind of sex that makes you sleep deeply? No sir! You find a new girl to take care of your business while the fiancé brings in more bacon.

 

Lie to your fiancé if you must, but let her go. oldshirt is right, it's just going to get worse, not better. Sometimes you have to accept who you are, even if it is not the most flattering picture. You'll change as you get older. Have an honest conversation with yourself. As hard as that is to do, it's totally worth it.

 

As for the new one, she actually sounds like she's a lot like you are. She's so serious about meeting a new guy to have babies with that she goes out with her ex to keep a promise nobody would expect her to keep! What a lady!

 

I wouldn't get too deeply involved with that one either.

[Baddecisions111]

I've taken the time to read each one of your answers, as “salparadise” said If his / myFiancé ever cheated and she wouldn't tell me and that she wouldn't do it again my heart wouldn't be broken and we would live happily ever after. After deep thinking about the whole answer given I've decided to not stop the other girl from going back to her Ex after all I saw her last night for about 10mins managed to ask her how was the concert and all I didn't mention her Ex cause it bothers me to do so. I

texted her yesterday under the influence of a lot of alcohol that I wanted to be with her and that she should stay with me wished her good night as she did the same. Today is a new day I haven't gotten any text from her even tho she was online, so I'm guessing she already made her choice and now my choice became clearer and clearer. And as many of you mentioned that I've been 'lying' the only thing in my life that I've never mentioned to my fiancé was this cheating other than that she knows all about me, and as well as some of you mentioned about me cheating straight away no. I've taken the time to cook romantic dinner as soon as she finished she goes and sleeps straight away and tell me directly I'm too tired for sex.

 

Managed to take her on vacation to the Maldives / Bali / Japan / Paris. Yea we had great time as soon as she is away from her she goes back to the old her passionate (sex life) then as soon as we're back home things tend to be the same even after I mentioned that I do masturbate even tho I'm with her she says it's better than cheating which hurts a lot.

 

I'm sure many who have cheated on their wives/ fiancés/Gf's, faced about the same problems as I did and that they tried and didn't cheat straight away and no none of our common friends know about the girl only my 2 best friends who I know for more than 10 years. I was considering sending her flowers but after deep thinking I think it's a win situation since I wouldn't have to be the bad guy with her and break her heart after maybe 3/5 months or so but to let her have that decision of ending it and going back to her ex which makes it kinda easier seems like it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I texted her yesterday under the influence of a lot of alcohol that I wanted to be with her and that she should stay with me wished her good night as she did the same. Today is a new day I haven't gotten any text from her even tho she was online, so I'm guessing she already made her choice and now my choice became clearer and clearer.

 

So you chose the "new girl" and messaged her so, she didn't respond and - you're going to let an unreturned text be the factor that decides the rest of your life ???

 

And now your fiance not only doesn't know you cheated, she's not aware she's your Plan B, the soft fallback spot if your main gig doesn't pan out.

 

Wrong in the literal definition of the word and on so many levels it's hard to pick one. Hard to believe this is the life you're choosing to live.

 

no none of our common friends know about the girl only my 2 best friends who I know for more than 10 years.

 

Old Chinese expression - "3 people can keep a secret as long as 2 of them are dead"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, some people just take the cake. This guy takes the Christmas cake. There is a saying in the vernacular where I live which goes roughly like this. 'The donkey that has to be kicked to do something won't listen if you talk to him'. Maybe the OP will only learn his lessons the hard way by actual experience. Good wishes all around.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hi Folks, some people just take the cake. This guy takes the Christmas cake. There is a saying in the vernacular where I live which goes roughly like this. 'The donkey that has to be kicked to do something won't listen if you talk to him'. Maybe the OP will only learn his lessons the hard way by actual experience. Good wishes all around.

 

yes...a total waste of effort.

 

I think many folks simply want validation that their choices are ok....and when they are told the choices are indeed not ok...they validate them in their own mind and continue down the same dangerous path.

 

If you already have your answers...if you already know exactly what you are going to do...why ask?

[understand50]

yes...a total waste of effort.

 

I think many folks simply want validation that their choices are ok....and when they are told the choices are indeed not ok...they validate them in their own mind and continue down the same dangerous path.

 

If you already have your answers...if you already know exactly what you are going to do...why ask?

 

He is going to have to learn the hard way. Lot's of hard life lesions coming fast. Unfortunately, the two women are going to have lot's of hurt and pain, and another example of a man behaving badly. Sure, I think he thinks that he is not a bad man, and just following his heart, only when he see himself for what he is acting as, a CAD. If he ever does, he will he begin to understand just what he has thrown away. I do not know, if he will realize that it is a part of himself that he is comprising. He will have regrets, but only later, after the damage to everyone is done.

 

Right now he is unreachable.

 

My two cents......

[sandylee1]

Firstly can you please use paragraphs.

 

Secondly ... you're not mature enough to be getting married to anyone. You're deceiving 2 women and you need to come clean, before you loose it all.

 

Would you want a daughter of yours to marry a cheater like yourself?

[VeveCakes]

I think you need some time alone to your self so you can learn how to behave without hurting others or needing someone in your life.

[Mr. Lucky]

He is going to have to learn the hard way. Lot's of hard life lesions coming fast.

 

In these types of stories, I often envision a relationship version of "A Christmas Carol" where the ghost of Marriage Future visits the OP to show him what his life will look like as he continues his cheating ways.

 

Maybe that's the type of wake-up call he needs...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

PS - Love the Bill Murray version "Scrooged", one of our holiday traditions every year .