Am I overreacting?

[TimmyC]

Hey again everyone, long time no see!

 

So I have a huge update but I need advice, to make a long story short I had gotten out of a emotionally abusive relationship about 7 months ago and since then I have met an amazing woman.

 

Background story:

So during my grieving process I met this beautiful woman at work. She was going through a divorce and was in a similar situation to me, (The guy was verbally abusive). We got close to each other and things were going so well. She met my family and here is where things got a bit strange. She would not let me meet her family or friends. (I know its the classic textbook definition of possibly being a fling) but she claimed it was because her kids were not comfortable which I understand, and she was afraid of what her friends would think since the divorce had been a little over a year ago. I overlooked that and things became more bizarre. I added her on fb and she did not want the relationship to be public, she went as far as not commenting on a few of my things when I had me and her picture up. (First red flag)

 

Fast forwarding to now, she had undergone a hysterectomy recently and has been completely different. about 2 weeks after she started to not call me as much, or text me, and her excuse was that her children were not comfortable with her talking on the phone (Red flag number two) At this point I love her so much I understood. Lastnight I sent a text saying I couldn't take it anymore and the only response I got was a hi, and her thanking me for ending things with her and she told me I didn't need to text her back.

 

I informed her that I wanted to give her back the ring she bought me and the love notes because I didn't feel comfortable about throwing them away. She agreed to meet, tears were exchanged and she told me she didn't want to let me go and we got back together.) Later that night we got a room and planned on spending time together but she said her kids were worried about her and she had to rush back home.

 

Additional information:

 

*I have never been to her house, the older kids are not ready to meet me.

*She has gone from wanting to get a place with me to wanting me to get a place so she can visit.

*Shes gone from super loving and jealous to not caring much at all.

*I only get maybe two or three texts a day

*Whenever we do meet up, it is in hotel rooms.

*I have not met her friends and when they do call I have to be quiet.

*When she is at home the phone "hangs up" randomly

*She has had a hysterectomy and I realize that may impact her moods

*We have broken up and gotten back together on multiple occasions.

*She's gone through a tough divorce with an emotionally abusive man.

*She's also been battling cancer

*I have spoken to her youngest son once.

*She is an older woman in her late 30's

*She has told me she wants to spend her life with me

 

 

Please help me with some insight, I got out of a rough relationship and I don't want to jump conclusions so I'm hoping someone who is not in the situation can help me. Thank you in advance!

[Satu]

Neither of you are in the right place in your lives for a new relationship.

 

From my journals:

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if the breakup was particularly traumatic.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

 

Spend some time by yourself, getting over what went before.

 

Then move forward.

 

 

Take care.

[Mrin]

Relationship thoughts:

 

1. You're in some sort of crazy rebound period for her. She is/was/maybe leaving an abusive relationship. Which is sort of like taking her emotions, shoving them in a blender and hitting puree. Not exactly relationship material.

 

2. Big time red flags on the home, kids, family, phone stuff. Are you actually certain she's divorced or getting divorced? Sounds like an affair to me.

 

3. Hysterectomy: Okay, here's the other thing. She just had a hysterectomy. I'm a dude so I can't speak from firsthand experience but I am pretty sure that is a major change for a woman to go through. Especially if she is pre-menopausal. Hormones go all over the place. So will her emotions and feelings about you. Not a big surprise that there was a sudden change in her behavior.

 

I'd pretty much pass on this one dude.

[smackie9]

I feel if you want this to work you are going to have some patience. She is in the middle of transitioning from a horrible marriage. There are a lot of things, besides the kids, that are attached to this. Friends, family, an abusive ex, the inlaws, etc. A divorce does disrupts peoples lives...especially for the kids. The kids are feeling vulnerable, and emotionally still trying to sort themselves out. It can be devastating seeing your parents separate...in fact it can turn their whole world upside down. When she goes out, they suffer from separation anxiety, and it's makes them scared. There is just too much uncertainty for them.

 

Next, she could be avoiding any kind of grief from the abusive ex. This is probably why she is keeping this a secret..to protect her, and her kids. She is keeping the status quo for everyone's sake. Can you really blame her??

 

Lastly, she had a hysterectomy. That would be like you having your balls taken out. Everything that made her feel like a woman is gone, and knowing you can never have children again is devastating for a woman. To have all this happen to her in one year...that is a huge emotional and physical hit. I don't blame her one bit for pulling back. Ya have to give her some space, and be supportive wherever you can during this time. She really wants to move on from her divorce,to be loved, and have love but man o man, she has gone through a lot. Give her a break.

[ExpatInItaly]

Does she live with her ex-husband? Are you sure she is actually divorced?

[Space Ritual]

Hey again everyone, long time no see!

 

So I have a huge update but I need advice, to make a long story short I had gotten out of a emotionally abusive relationship about 7 months ago and since then I have met an amazing woman.

 

Background story:

So during my grieving process I met this beautiful woman at work. She was going through a divorce and was in a similar situation to me, (The guy was verbally abusive). We got close to each other and things were going so well. She met my family and here is where things got a bit strange. She would not let me meet her family or friends. (I know its the classic textbook definition of possibly being a fling) but she claimed it was because her kids were not comfortable which I understand, and she was afraid of what her friends would think since the divorce had been a little over a year ago. I overlooked that and things became more bizarre. I added her on fb and she did not want the relationship to be public, she went as far as not commenting on a few of my things when I had me and her picture up. (First red flag)

 

Fast forwarding to now, she had undergone a hysterectomy recently and has been completely different. about 2 weeks after she started to not call me as much, or text me, and her excuse was that her children were not comfortable with her talking on the phone (Red flag number two) At this point I love her so much I understood. Lastnight I sent a text saying I couldn't take it anymore and the only response I got was a hi, and her thanking me for ending things with her and she told me I didn't need to text her back.

 

I informed her that I wanted to give her back the ring she bought me and the love notes because I didn't feel comfortable about throwing them away. She agreed to meet, tears were exchanged and she told me she didn't want to let me go and we got back together.) Later that night we got a room and planned on spending time together but she said her kids were worried about her and she had to rush back home.

 

Additional information:

 

*I have never been to her house, the older kids are not ready to meet me.

*She has gone from wanting to get a place with me to wanting me to get a place so she can visit.

*Shes gone from super loving and jealous to not caring much at all.

*I only get maybe two or three texts a day

*Whenever we do meet up, it is in hotel rooms.

*I have not met her friends and when they do call I have to be quiet.

*When she is at home the phone "hangs up" randomly

*She has had a hysterectomy and I realize that may impact her moods

*We have broken up and gotten back together on multiple occasions.

*She's gone through a tough divorce with an emotionally abusive man.

*She's also been battling cancer

*I have spoken to her youngest son once.

*She is an older woman in her late 30's

*She has told me she wants to spend her life with me

 

 

Please help me with some insight, I got out of a rough relationship and I don't want to jump conclusions so I'm hoping someone who is not in the situation can help me. Thank you in advance!

 

My take on it is that this woman was never getting divorced, and that she is still married and has a husband and children at home that know not only nothing about you, but are probably under the impression that they have a great family.

 

You are nothing but a dirty little secret to her, and you've never been anything but.

 

The hot and cold she runs is probably due to 2 things: Guilt for having you in her life, and probably worried that someone at work who knows her husband knows about the 2 of you.

Her friends do not know about you either. That's why you have to be quiet when she is talking to them.

 

Unless she can produce a divorce decree to you that is notarized and real, my best guess is that she is still quite married and living with her husband and children as if nothing is wrong.

 

Of course you could just follow her some night and then go up and knock on the door and give her the shock of her life. If I was in your position, I'd do just that. Make sure you keep the love notes and the ring to show her husband if you ever are accused of being a liar.Especially f they are in her handwriting. The look on her face with you standing at her door would be priceless.

 

Sorry you are in this position but you need to get yourself out of it. You are being lied to and the woman's husband is as well.

[Space Ritual]

I'd also go out on a limb and say the cancer business is probably a lie as well. No better way for her to make sure you don't get too upset when she acts goofy because you would seem like a jerk to question her on it. It's a great emotional blackmail tool and that's a lot of drama out of one chick .

 

In case it isn't clear to you OP, I'll quote a line uttered by Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove that sums up your conundrum:

 

"Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones."

 

I wold be ending this relationship like now.

[Jersey born raised]

Agreed she still might be married. Internet background checks are cheap and are usually accurate about public legal documents.

[TimmyC]

I think you guys are right. I received two text messages the entire day yesterday, none of which was a goodnight or a good morning like she usually does. I think it's pointing towards what I've feared, I don't know if I can handle being heartbroken again.

[Space Ritual]

You will be fine....

 

I think you need to find out if she is married, and if so, then inform her husband whom he is married to. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to know.

 

I urge you to see this through as these types of actions need to have consequences.

[TimmyC]

So today we broke up... I'm a complete mess. We had gotten into a few arguments because while she mentioned in the past she has been too busy or sick to see me, she's been going to Bars with her male friend that used to have a crush on her. My heart is so broken. This guy has also been staying at her house with her which somehow the kids are ok with, but they were not ok with meeting me. I don't know how to feel.

[road]

So today we broke up... I'm a complete mess. We had gotten into a few arguments because while she mentioned in the past she has been too busy or sick to see me, she's been going to Bars with her male friend that used to have a crush on her. My heart is so broken. This guy has also been staying at her house with her which somehow the kids are ok with, but they were not ok with meeting me. I don't know how to feel.

 

How should you feel?

 

 

Mad.

 

 

Face this, she has been lying to you. WW's lie about their affair, so she is most likely about why she got divorced.

[Try]

she has been too busy or sick to see me, she's been going to Bars with her male friend that used to have a crush on her. My heart is so broken. This guy has also been staying at her house with her which somehow the kids are ok with, but they were not ok with meeting me.

Are you kidding me, she goes out to bars with other men, while "she has been too busy or sick to see" you? She will not let you meet her kids, but has another guy living with her? What exactly does it take for you to see that she is not good wife material? As an FYI, if you check with her ex I believe that you will discover that what she calls "verbal abusive" by her ex, is him calling her out as a liar and a cheat. It is standard cheaters script stuff, for the cheater to downgrade the cheating as not being as bad as how the cheated on spouse handles being cheated on. Cheater also tend to reinvent history such that the response to their cheating was somehow what caused them to cheat; this may not make sense to you, but that is their story and they are sticking by it.