Divorcing and dealing w/extended Family

[Tommy494]

After 23 years of which 19 were of marriage and two teenage girls, my stbx filed for divorce 4 months ago. Its like many unfortunate stories I have read here. She didn't communicate her unhappiness to me and made her decision without giving me the opportunity to work on our issues. I was blind sided.

 

I became very close with her side of the family, Mom and dad, brother, sister, young nephews and nieces. Unfortunately, I am not close to my side. I had reached out to my mother in law in hopes of helping me with her daughter but she said she was sad that it has come to this but didn't want to get into the middle. I understand her position in wanting to support her daughter. My brother in law spoke to her with no success. He told me he still considers me his brother in law and their uncle to his kids. We have so much family time together. Now that we are divorcing, I'm trying to figure out contact in the future. I don't want to push myself on them and respect my stbx space with her family. What do you think?

 

This is the first Thanksgiving that I have missed with them. My brother in law passed on the messsge thru my kids wishing me a happy Thanksgiving. Now X-Mas is coming and I won't be seeing them.

 

I'm trying to figure out if I should continue to give gifts to my nephews and nieces not only for X-Mas but future birthdays knowing that i won't be seeing them. My stbx said i will always be their uncle but how do i continue to be in their lives if Im no longer invited to their functions? What have others experienced.

 

Also, the holiday parties are about to begin and I have been invited to a few. I've only told a few co-workers and a few close friends. I'm questioning whether to go because the parties are supposed to be festive. Is it better to lie to them and not mention the divorce and fake like evertpything is good? I just don't want people to feel sorry for me if i tell them when it's supposed to be a party. What's your thoughts and what have others done?

 

Thanks for your time. This is all new to me and I'm trying to figure things out.

[LancasterAmos1966]

She didn't communicate her unhappiness to me and made her decision without giving me the opportunity to work on our issues. I was blind sided.

 

There's no easy to way to separate. She wanted out; offering you the opportunity to change or for her to change her mind is not what she wanted.

 

 

 

 

I'm trying to figure out if I should continue to give gifts to my nephews and nieces not only for X-Mas but future birthdays knowing that i won't be seeing them. My stbx said i will always be their uncle but how do i continue to be in their lives if Im no longer invited to their functions? What have others experienced.

Stay connected as much as you feel comfortable. If they permit it, and you want the connection, then do it.

 

They did not divorce you, and you did not divorce them. Continue all relationships that you feel ok with.

 

I'm not trying to be rough on you, but you might be tempted to have them get on your side. If that happens, then they might need to sever the relationship.

 

Try to vent to someone safe; like this forum, or a safe relative/friend.

 

 

 

 

Also, the holiday parties are about to begin and I have been invited to a few. I've only told a few co-workers and a few close friends. I'm questioning whether to go because the parties are supposed to be festive. Is it better to lie to them and not mention the divorce and fake like evertpything is good? I just don't want people to feel sorry for me if i tell them when it's supposed to be a party. What's your thoughts and what have others done?

If you are emotionally able to go --- then go!!!!

 

You need to keep moving, you need to have life be as normal as possible.

 

Keep working, go to those holiday parties, go out to eat, go to the gym --- whatever you like to do, do it. You lost your wife, but that doesn't mean you must lay down and die.

 

In the beginning, having some sympathy is good.....but eventually you'll get sick of the pity parties, and you'll let everyone know that life threw lemons at you, and you made lemonade.

 

And don't ask your wife it it's ok to have a relationship with your relatives!! You no longer need to get her approval. Let them decide, and you decide. She might influence their decision in the future, but for right now, stay connected as much as you can.

 

Also, have a loving attitude that says "Thank you for sharing 23 years with me, and then wish her a happy, healthy new season of life."

 

You'll heal a lot quicker, and her family will want to stay connected with you because they won't hear you saying things like she is a narcissistic jerk that deserves to have a horrible life.

 

Talk well about her, be thankful for the years she shared, and move on to a new season of life.

 

Having a brother in law as a friend, and a few holiday parties to go to can be used to help you through the holidays. I'm wishing you well in this journey.

Edited November 27, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks for your time. This is all new to me and I'm trying to figure things out.

 

The hard truth is your in-laws with probably feel a need over time to support her by being less involved with you, it's just how it seems to work. And if she eventually brings another man into the picture, that will complicate things more.

 

Just more of the collateral damage from divorce. Is your wife not open to MC?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tommy494]

Thanks Lancaster....It's so awkward having to deal with the extended family. if they don't reach out in the future, should I? She knows that I don't want the divorce and I don't want it to look like I am hanging around and trying to use her family to get back with her although I had already tried to.

 

Also, wouldn't I be impeding myself from moving on if I continue to have a relationship with her family?

 

About the MC. About six years ago we went to one and it was such a bad experience. My stbx said she wanted out and was done. I said I wanted to work things out. The therapist said that since she said she was done that there was nothing left in the relationship. I thought that was so odd. We went for help and she said there's nothing she could do to help us. We talked about going to see someone else but we never did. We didn't because I thought we were communicating well and she didn't complain so we didn't go again. Back to now I pleaded for her to give MC a chance but she refused referring to the previous incident and I not following through. Prior to announcing the divorce she started going to a therapist on her own without telling me. I believe the therapist helped her come to the conclusion that divorce was in her best interest. Unfortunatley, I didn't get the chance to work on our relationship together with the MC.

[LancasterAmos1966]

It's so awkward having to deal with the extended family. if they don't reach out in the future, should I?

 

Also, wouldn't I be impeding myself from moving on if I continue to have a relationship with her family?

 

Awkward is a good word.

 

I'm thinking the family functions that include your wife are going to be off limits for a long time. And when you are emotionally able to finally attend, you probably won't have the desire.

 

Of course, you have kids --- so there are going to be functions in the future that you'll need to attend. But go with your head held high.

 

Your wife is the one that broke up this marriage, and family. Not you!!

 

No sense in you acting like you did something wrong. She is the one who should feel awkward, so don't let her (or yourself) mess with your emotions over this.

 

Yes, hanging around her and/or her family could impede your recovery; but I was thinking more of the brother in law who is on your side. Why not spend time with him.

 

In my case, I actually stayed connected with my sister in law......she knew my wife was wrong, so I enjoyed the connection....but as time went on, I backed away for personal reasons. (I did not want our relationship to turn romantic, so I backed off.)

 

 

 

 

 

About the MC. About six years ago we went to one and it was such a bad experience. My stbx said she wanted out and was done. I said I wanted to work things out. The therapist said that since she said she was done that there was nothing left in the relationship. I thought that was so odd.

A good MC does not attempt to talk someone into doing anything.

 

Actually, a good MC asks many questions, and the answers become the basis on how to proceed.

 

So, 6 years ago, the MC heard your wife say she wants out.

 

A good MC will make sure that is what your wife wants by asking more questions, but once a person makes their position clear, there's no use in wasting time and money.

 

Now --- why didn't your wife file divorce 6 years ago? Maybe she was scared, she wasn't really ready, the kids were too young, etc.

 

For whatever reason(s) she did not file divorce 6 years ago, but now she has gone through with it. Now she got everything line up, and even went behind your back for counseling/therapy. She was finally ready to fly.

 

And if you want to take the blame for not doing enough over the past 6 years, she will gladly allow you to take the blame.

 

 

 

 

Back to now I pleaded for her to give MC a chance but she refused referring to the previous incident and I not following through.

PLEASE --- Don't take the blame!! She wanted out. You could have been a Saint, and she still would have filed.

 

There are 5 stages of grieving.

 

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

 

- If you think another MC, a bigger house, or a cruise would have kept her in your arms, then you'll probably get stuck in the Denial stage.

 

- If you claim she ruined your life and you have bitterness towards what she did to you, then you'll probably get stuck in the Anger stage.

 

- If you blame yourself, you'll be looking for ways to fix whatever you did wrong, and then you'll probably get stuck in the Bargaining stage.

 

- If you feel that you can not live without her and your life is no good without her, then you'll probably get stuck in the Depression stage.

 

But, if you accept the loss, and work through the disappointment and rejection --- then you'll get to the Acceptance stage.

 

Getting to the Acceptance stage is the goal.....it will take time, lots of hard work, and a few boxes of tissues.

 

But once you are in the Acceptance stage, you will begin to love life, and find happiness even though your wife no longer wants to be a part of your life.

[mikeylo]

It's in your best interest to distance yourself from them. No good will come out of it because you will not be able to move on. She has checked out emotionally and you hanging around is keeping you emotionally attached.

 

Some therapists actually do help you reach a decision if that is what she went to him for.

[Jersey born raised]

They will fade out of your life and you do need to rebuilding a new life. So start today. What are the terms of the divorce and custody? What is your financial situation, beside not good. What are you interests?

[vla1120]

My husband of 32 years and I separated over 3 years ago and eventually divorced about two years ago. His family was my family for 32 years. We stayed in contact for about a year. I was invited to my nieces birthday party, etc. His family was not very accepting of his new girlfriend (that he started up with before he and I were separated.) Once we had filed for divorce, my ex started telling me they would never accept his new girlfriend as long as I was still in the picture. I eventually cut ties. That is when they rekindled their relationship with my ex and his new girlfriend and she was accepted into his family. However, they were very angry with me for cutting ties, and are supposedly still angry with me to this day. I did what I thought was right. Even though they were my family for 32 years, they are his blood. I thought it was the right thing to do for me to step out of the picture, so who knows? I guess it depends on the situation. The difference in my situation is that we have three grown daughters. There WILL be a time when we are all in the same room together - this January, for example, at my youngest daughter's 21st birthday party. She wants us all there. I am always willing to bow out because I know the girlfriend still feels threatened by me (though I got remarried), but my daughter insists that everyone suck it up and act like adults for her birthday (and I agree with her.)

[New_girl]

Thanks Lancaster....It's so awkward having to deal with the extended family. if they don't reach out in the future, should I? She knows that I don't want the divorce and I don't want it to look like I am hanging around and trying to use her family to get back with her although I had already tried to.

 

Also, wouldn't I be impeding myself from moving on if I continue to have a relationship with her family?

 

About the MC. About six years ago we went to one and it was such a bad experience. My stbx said she wanted out and was done. I said I wanted to work things out. The therapist said that since she said she was done that there was nothing left in the relationship. I thought that was so odd. We went for help and she said there's nothing she could do to help us. We talked about going to see someone else but we never did. We didn't because I thought we were communicating well and she didn't complain so we didn't go again. Back to now I pleaded for her to give MC a chance but she refused referring to the previous incident and I not following through. Prior to announcing the divorce she started going to a therapist on her own without telling me. I believe the therapist helped her come to the conclusion that divorce was in her best interest. Unfortunatley, I didn't get the chance to work on our relationship together with the MC.

 

How can you say in your original post that you were "blind sided" when you follow it up with saying your wife said in front of a counselor 6 years ago that she was done with the marriage and wanted out?

 

So, she said she was done but never said why or what she needed from you or the marriage? Nothing? Zero?