Advice despreately needed

[JBeth7]

This past May my BF went out to his parent's home in Colorado to better himself physically and emotionally. The plan was that he would return at the end of the summer and we would be fine. Next thing I know he says that he has to stay out there 'til november if he was to take the job he wanted. I was fine with that I kept it at his decition because after all it's his life, however much I wanted to be apart of it. We are very serious and have talked about getting married many times but still are waiting until we either finish college or become rich, what ever comes first.

 

Last week he suggested that we go on a break because he did not want to get drunk and do something stupid with a girl who would flirt with him (as many of them do as he tells me). I confided in a few of my friends, one being an ex that my Bf told me specifically not to talk to, not quite explaining himself like he normally would have. Each stated that it sounded as if he had already cheated on me and was trying to cover it up. I did on occation think that he had done something of the sort but I kept trusting him as I had always and it had always payed off. but something deep down inside me told me that she was cheating on me, that he did not have the right to tell me not to talk to whom I considered a good friend.

 

Now for a flash back:

I was sexually a bused as a child by my own brother, my father new yet did nothing and neither did my mother when she eventually found out both facts. I have a very hard time knowing who to trust when and for what reason if I shouldn't. Subconsiously I would know one fact but something else would drive me to another.

 

Flash forward:

Over the weekend my ex contacted me and stated that he wished to make up for all the wrongs against me from him. He sounded very sincere and I desided (for about the 20th time) to give him another chance. BIG MISTAKE. I know it. I should not have even had him in my phone or on my buddy list...yet there he was again slithering his way into my life...trying to ruin it again. I let him come over with a couple of movies that we watched and well...as painfull as it is for me to ad mit....I let him in...deep enough to hurt worse than any emotion alive could. Later that day my BF called and asked me why my phone went to my voice mail....it had died, seriously....I didn't turn it off. I contunued on to tell him that Ididn't find this out until 5 in the afternoon because I had slept til 2 and wasn't functioning normally because of it. questioning as to why I relpied with a lie that lead him to beleive that something was wrong....

 

That night I couldn't stand myself.... I had betrayed him and lied to him about it. I called him and told him knowing that he would want to know, and I would have wanted to know if it had been him. He was rightly furious and said that he did't want to speak with me. So I let it go....I had a severe anxiety attack that lead me to the hospital when I fianlly rested for an hour. I called him yesterday morning after the fact and apologised frantically. He said that he would try to be understanding but was still pissed and wanted to figure out where he stood in this matter befor making a decision and I should not call him until he hears from me.

 

I want to talk to him, he's my best friend and I want him still. I did not mean to do such a horrible thing, I seriously didn't. That girl who let that minipulative man invade me and my relationship with the man of my dreams was not me, but a demon of sorts. I am seeking profetional help and have been for some time. Should I call his parent's house and try to talk to him again...? Or painfully wait it out, wondering if I will ever see or hear from the love of my life again?

[Zaira]

I'm a bit confused. If you were on a break then you could see whom ever you wanted. Too bad if it was an ex and your bf didn't want you speaking to him. Did you know who he was spending time with? He couldn't have the best of both worlds, and I don't think he has any right to be angry with you. I'm assuming he wants to get the relationship back on track, but he's trying to make you feel guilty for seeing other people (which it appears HE has done too) ???

 

Just give him the space he's asked for, and I am sure things will sort themselves out. I don't think you've got anything to be ashamed of though.