Starting to get too much to handle

[Hollister93]

I have been with my gf for just over 9 months now, we've met in person whilst i was on holidays overseas and after several times going out we both decided to pursue a relationship, despite the long distance.

She has visited me for a few months, and I have visited her for a few weeks, between when we first met and now, so despite the long distance, we have physically been together for around 4 months in total.

I should also add that she told me at the start that she used to be an escort, and have stopped when we decided to begin this relationship (which I was fine with and can look past).

 

To say the least, quite a bit has happened between then and now.

First of which, I discovered that she was indeed still working as an escort throughout our relationship. I found this out a couple months into the relationship, and have confronted her about it then, but she outright denied the claim up until a few months ago when she accidentally left her email opened on my phone and I could confirm her escort profile, bookings, etc. Whilst yes, i felt hurt and betrayed, and she even went as far as saying "it was not cheating" because she needed the money and didn't actually want to do it, i have forgiven her for it and am able to look past this, because ultimately, i do love her immensely and do feel like she could be 'the one'.

 

Then came the porn, on my part. I have told her early on in the relationship that I did watch porn to masturbate, and she didn't like that, fair enough, but I made the mistake of continuing on with it up behind her back until a couple months ago, when she found out that i lied about not watching. Surely enough, that caused a massive argument, and since then, i have not watched any porn.

I understand the betrayal of having lied about it, but what i can't understand is why she so often (in the past couple months) dwells on what I did, even after i stopped doing it for the relationship. Not only does she dwell on it, she gets infuriated about it, up to the point where she calls me names, like 'pathetic', or 'disgusting' and talking to me in an abusive nature for wanting to watch porn to masturbate in the past, instead of just thinking of her and watching videos of her. I don't know how to explain to her why i did it...

 

There were times where she threatened on breaking up because she couldn't understand why i watched porn, but i could never properly explain anything to her. I've explained that i watched it merely as a stimulation to masturbate, it was never anything more than that, i never wanted to **** any of the women in porn, but she can't seem to believe that.

 

And right now, literally a day before i travel across half the planet to see her, she is again threatening to break up for the same reason, and told me not to see her.

 

She has hurt me as much as she says i have done to her, with the name calling, break up threats, and of course working as an escort behind my back.

I just don't know how i can resolve this...

Edited December 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[vanhalenfan]

First of all, I can't wrap my head around her having the gall to be angry about you watching porn when she has been going around escorting...What a crazy double standard right there. Most men watch porn for stimulation. Is that at all surprising to her? Can't be since she caters to men..."escorting"...smh.

 

I'm sorry, but maybe you should really move on here...

[basil67]

Out of curiousity, when she visited you, did you pay for her ticket and costs?

 

And why on earth would you pay all that money for someone who calls you names, works as an escort and threatens to break up? Give yourself a kick up the rear end.

Edited November 28, 2016 by basil67

[Hollister93]

No, I didn't pay for any of her costs, in-fact, i actually think she had a sugar daddy of sort (or a very 'close') rich, old regular client that paid for most of her expenses during the trip. I know because i went through her phone at one stage as she was getting frequent texts from a guy, saying he misses her, etc.

 

And that is what I'm trying to figure out myself vanhalenfan, is she perhaps projecting her insecurities and fears on to me?

I actually am 90% certain that even after she admitted to me that she was working and promised to finally stop, that she is actually still working. She is unemployed, and has no other source of income i can think of, yet she lives in an apartment i wouldn't even be able to afford myself and i have a decent paying job.

 

If I'm being completely honest she is first woman i truly fell in love with, and i am probably being naive, but i don't want to lose her. Despite her unwarranted anger, when we are not arguing, i have never gotten along better with anyone else in my life before...

But i know i am killing myself inside bit by bit everytime these arguments happen.

[Downtown]

What I'm trying to figure out myself... is she perhaps projecting her insecurities and fears on to me?

Hollister, you likely are seeing projection if she is exhibiting strong traits of a personality disorder. This is a possibility you should consider given her occupation in the sex industry. Several empirical studies have shown a strong relationship between both stripping and prostitution and having a personality disorder, particularly having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). A 1999 article by Dr. Layden (Dept. of Psychiatry, Univ. of Penn.), for example, states:

Most strippers, as with other women who work in the sex industry, are adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Research indicates the number is between 60%-80%. One study found that... 55% had Borderline Personality Disorder.... Often as adults they reenact their childhood trauma by working as strippers, Playboy models, and prostitutes. See

55% of Prostitutes Are BPD

.

I have never gotten along better with anyone else in my life before....

That is exactly what you should expect if she is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent traits of BPD). Because BPDers have a fragile, weak sense of who they are, they go through life emulating the personalities of people they meet. BPDers are attracted to partners having a strong personality. In this way, the partners supply the missing self identity that BPDers sorely need.

 

The result is that a BPDer will so perfectly mirror your preferences and the best features of your personality that you BOTH will be convinced you've met your "soul mate." Whereas the mirroring done by narcissists and sociopaths is done to manipulate and deceive you, that done by BPDers is not intended to harm. Indeed, the BPDer may not even be aware that she is doing it. It is something she's been doing out of necessity -- since childhood -- as a way to obtain a self identity, to fit in, and to be loved.

 

Another result of this mirroring is that BPDers will be seen to get along well with a wide variety of people. It therefore is common, following the breakup, for the abused ex-partners to complain that the BPDer has dumped them for someone who is totally unlike them. A successful businessman, for example, will be seen complaining here on LoveShack that his exGF has started living with a biker guy or some other guy who is completely different from himself.

 

She gets infuriated about it, up to the point where she calls me names, like 'pathetic', or 'disgusting' and talking to me in an abusive nature

"Inappropriate, intense anger" is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. Another one of those traits is "Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors." See Nine BPD Defining Traits, NIMH.

 

I know i am killing myself inside bit by bit every time these arguments happen.

If you really have been dating a BPDer for nine months, consider yourself lucky that you don't already feel like you may be going crazy. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

I just don't know how i can resolve this...

If you are still reluctant to walk away from her, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. And it may help you decide whether your situation warrants seeking professional advice from a psychologist. Take care, Hollister.

Edited December 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Satu]

snip

And right now, literally a day before i travel across half the planet to see her, she is again threatening to break up for the same reason, and *told me not to see her.

 

She has hurt me as much as she says i have done to her, with the name calling, break up threats, and of course working as an escort behind my back.

**I just don't know how i can resolve this...

 

*Take her at her word, and don't go.

 

If you do, you'll get hurt again.

 

**You can't fix this relationship.

 

So take responsibility for your own wellbeing, and cancel the trip.

 

Any money you lose by cancelling doesn't matter, because all it would buy you is pain.

 

She's not good for you.

 

 

Take care.

[Kamille]

An anti-porn escort? What, is porn bad for business?

 

I'm guessing she's picking a fight because Sugar Daddy wants some of her time this week. She's choosing her source of income over whatever is going with you.

[Friskyone4u]

No, I didn't pay for any of her costs, in-fact, i actually think she had a sugar daddy of sort (or a very 'close') rich, old regular client that paid for most of her expenses during the trip. I know because i went through her phone at one stage as she was getting frequent texts from a guy, saying he misses her, etc.

 

And that is what I'm trying to figure out myself vanhalenfan, is she perhaps projecting her insecurities and fears on to me?

I actually am 90% certain that even after she admitted to me that she was working and promised to finally stop, that she is actually still working. She is unemployed, and has no other source of income i can think of, yet she lives in an apartment i wouldn't even be able to afford myself and i have a decent paying job.

 

If I'm being completely honest she is first woman i truly fell in love with, and i am probably being naive, but i don't want to lose her. Despite her unwarranted anger, when we are not arguing, i have never gotten along better with anyone else in my life before...

But i know i am killing myself inside bit by bit everytime these arguments happen.

 

Hollister,

 

If you can afford IC, I would get yourself to see a therapist to straighten out your issues. Basically, you are appearing here to be perfectly willing to maintain a relationship with a woman who is actively working as an escort, has no other job or means of support, and most likely has sugar daddies who she is actively in contact with while supposedly in a relationship with you.

 

Now if your brother or best friend told you this story, after you got up off the floor from disbelief, what would you advise then to do.???? And if the answer is not run like hell, you need to get some help more than I thought.

 

It sounds like you are a normal hard working guy with decent morals but that you want a girlfriend so badly that you are willing to tolerate anything. Just curious, how do you project this working out. She has already lied to you about stopping??

 

If she moved in with you, are you going to sit home while she goes out with clients????

[Sequitur328]

A relationship built on lies is not a solid relationship. I think, if this relationship were to be saved, it would take a lot of work to bring truth and love forward to replace the lies and deceit that have corrupted the relationship up to this point. Maybe if you were interested in getting some help I could direct you to some counseling. Let me know.

[GoldenR]

So many escorts themselves have made porn videos. I suspect that she herself has been in porn movies, and she's scared you'll run across her performances.

[JoeSmith357-1]

So let me get this straight...

 

You are in an LDR

 

So she can bang other guys, for money...

 

But you can jerk off to porn??

 

For real?