Improbable Romance [UPDATE: Is "Stop" the Only Response?]

[CuriousQD]

Here's the thought I had while getting ready this morning (and forgive me if it's been said already): Do you think this is empowering not because you're getting your mojo back but because you're in the position that your husband's OW was in? Before you were the victim, the helpless wife who had this all thrust on her. In some ways I'm sure you felt that both your Ex and his AP had all the power. Now the tables are turned and that's you. Which both gives you the feeling of power and the ability to turn your back on his wife- since you probably in some way see her as weak and less than.

 

Maybe? If this is the case then I would spend some time thinking about if that's truly empowering or something else.

 

Just a thought.

 

Yes, I said it earlier. It has occurred to me that in some sick way I am exacting revenge for what happened to me. That's a very scary thought to me because I can't afford that much counseling:eek: But also, at least when I initially engaged in this I wasn't sure he was married and when I was, my instant thought was how do I stop this. The problem is that feelings got in the way.

[heartwhole]

Yeah, the low-hanging fruit comment is affecting me too. It's hard to imagine that feeling this good is really being perceived as desperate and having low self-esteem. I'm not going to argue it, but I need to figure it out.

 

My husband's affair was transcontinental, and he did think his love for realsies, though he was smart enough not to say it outright. On DD I guess he thought I would be floored by their great love and gracefully bow out or something. But me, with my principles and self-esteem, was just confused. So I said, "I don't get it. Why would some single woman halfway across the world want to have a secret relationship with you?" I was being completely honest. Why wasn't she out having the time of her life? Why would she fly for over 24 hours each way just to spend less than two days with him? I mean, I married the guy, and I didn't get why anyone would think any man was worth that.

 

And he looked a little taken aback, stammered a bit, and then said, "Well, she's really lonely and she has low self-esteem." And this was when he was in the fog. Bam. Truth. Am I saying that about you? I don't know you. But that was my husband's assessment of the single OW halfway across the world that he thought he was in love with.

[CuriousQD]

No,no,no. It's a terrible idea to try to make yourself become attracted to someone you are not physically attracted to. It's just as much a waste of time as seeing a married man and it ends with people being hurt. You need to be honest with that friend and let him know that there is no chance of the friendship turning into more. You are disrespecting so many people including yourself. Your friend deserves someone who likes him and who is madly attracted to him. You deserve someone you find physically attractive and who is not married. You are not being an authentic person, you are doing a lot of rationalizing and telling yourself lies to justify disrespecting yourself and others. You are not putting yourself first. How exactly is spending time alone in a hotel waiting on a taken man and time talking with a man you are not even attracted to putting yourself first. If you were putting yourself first both of those options would be distasteful to you.

 

Great points. Before this trip, my rationale was that I could learn to love him. Do you remember that big article in The Atlantic I think advising women to settle, to accept the pudge and the bald spots and get off the dating market if you're over 35? It claimed few people were ecstatic about their marriage but no one was giving up their short, fat bald husband (the author's words not mine) to be single again and they were happier than their single friends. It argued that in the long run, the companionship and how good a person he was was most important. That was affecting me. If this is a numbers game, and I am an older woman, should I just get real and take the offer on the table? Any guys here want to weigh on this?

[CuriousQD]

My husband's affair was transcontinental, and he did think his love for realsies, though he was smart enough not to say it outright. On DD I guess he thought I would be floored by their great love and gracefully bow out or something. But me, with my principles and self-esteem, was just confused. So I said, "I don't get it. Why would some single woman halfway across the world want to have a secret relationship with you?" I was being completely honest. Why wasn't she out having the time of her life? Why would she fly for over 24 hours each way just to spend less than two days with him? I mean, I married the guy, and I didn't get why anyone would think any man was worth that.

 

And he looked a little taken aback, stammered a bit, and then said, "Well, she's really lonely and she has low self-esteem." And this was when he was in the fog. Bam. Truth. Am I saying that about you? I don't know you. But that was my husband's assessment of the single OW halfway across the world that he thought he was in love with.

 

Ouch.

Why did he love her?

[rainbowsandkittens]

This made me think of the questions you're asking. The Mistresses' Affair Rules ~ Infidelity Help Group

 

 

Whoosh. That's some powerful stuff right there. Some days you learn something new about what a jerk you are.

[freengreen]

I will. It's inevitable.

Do not wait for the affair to take its course and end. It will drag you down onto the tracks and reschedule a train on you, that is what its 'course' is.

 

End it conciously before it gets you. Good luck

[rainbowsandkittens]

Do not wait for the affair to take its course and end. It will drag you down onto the tracks and reschedule a train on you, that is what its 'course' is.

 

End it conciously before it gets you. Good luck

 

 

It's also much more powerful to be the one to end it rather than being dumped.

[freengreen]

It's also much more powerful to be the one to end it rather than being dumped.

yes, atleast you scrap out that little self respect you are left with and feel 'acheived' that you actually held on to that bit atleast. For God sake. Edited January 24, 2017 by freengreen

[heartwhole]

Ouch.

Why did he love her?

 

You'd really have to ask him, but I'll give my take.

 

He is an ENFP, a people person, a feeler. He needs connection and admiration. He had become really successful professionally and financially but to me he's still that flaky young guy who could barely get his act together to graduate college. I became sick with a chronic illness and went on an SSRI that made my mood flat and my libido non-existent. I blamed myself for being sick and that made it easy for him to do so too. He never learned to communicate his needs or concerns so they festered and stewed. Meanwhile I am a direct person who confronts immediately so all our issues were resolved, as far as I knew. And, as we've learned in therapy, he's low on natural empathy and self-absorbed.

 

So obviously the answer is that it wasn't about her. It was about him, and us. Mostly about him. Along came this woman who adored him and wanted him. She knew what a catch he was. It's fun to fall in love, amiright? At home he just had an exhausted wife who was barely keeping her head above water and who knew what a selfish doofus he could be. Sometimes real life is hard and complicated. Affairs are an escape from that.

 

So no, I wouldn't call it love. I think I'm being realistic here, though obviously I'm motivated to minimize the pain to myself. She's not his type -- opposites attract, and she is spontaneous and emotional like him. Sure, he moped around for a week or two after DD, but if he had really loved her, he wouldn't have said, "Wow! I can't believe I don't miss her more! I thought this would be harder!" after a couple of weeks. It was about how she made him feel, and the fun and excitement. Still, those feelings were strong and convincing to him at the time. He engaged in negative confirmation bias, where he read malice and lack of love into my actions, while I was just obliviously living my life as usual. So that's why he thought I'd be like, "Oh, you guys have feelings for each other? Silly me to get in the way of that!" When I was outraged and devastated and questioned why the hell anyone would think what they were doing was OK, he backtracked quickly.

 

I can tell you that my overriding conviction that day was that I would NOT be a participant in some stupid love triangle, even if it was with my own husband, even as a SAHM with chronic health issues. I mean, are you kidding me? I am way too good for that. I felt that in the depths of my bones. I want a man who wants me and only me, or none at all. And he knows me, of course, and he knew I wouldn't tolerate that and he could shape up or ship out. Otherwise it might have been one of those godawful situations where the BW simpers around trying to get the WH to pick her while he keeps the candle burning at both ends. I really believe there are men who aren't cheaters out there who would be happy for a chance with a woman like me. I'm not going to settle; I hope you won't either!

[CuriousQD]

You'd really have to ask him, but I'll give my take.

 

He is an ENFP, a people person, a feeler. He needs connection and admiration. He had become really successful professionally and financially but to me he's still that flaky young guy who could barely get his act together to graduate college. I became sick with a chronic illness and went on an SSRI that made my mood flat and my libido non-existent. I blamed myself for being sick and that made it easy for him to do so too. He never learned to communicate his needs or concerns so they festered and stewed. Meanwhile I am a direct person who confronts immediately so all our issues were resolved, as far as I knew. And, as we've learned in therapy, he's low on natural empathy and self-absorbed.

 

So obviously the answer is that it wasn't about her. It was about him, and us. Mostly about him. Along came this woman who adored him and wanted him. She knew what a catch he was. It's fun to fall in love, amiright? At home he just had an exhausted wife who was barely keeping her head above water and who knew what a selfish doofus he could be. Sometimes real life is hard and complicated. Affairs are an escape from that.

 

So no, I wouldn't call it love. I think I'm being realistic here, though obviously I'm motivated to minimize the pain to myself. She's not his type -- opposites attract, and she is spontaneous and emotional like him. Sure, he moped around for a week or two after DD, but if he had really loved her, he wouldn't have said, "Wow! I can't believe I don't miss her more! I thought this would be harder!" after a couple of weeks. It was about how she made him feel, and the fun and excitement. Still, those feelings were strong and convincing to him at the time. He engaged in negative confirmation bias, where he read malice and lack of love into my actions, while I was just obliviously living my life as usual. So that's why he thought I'd be like, "Oh, you guys have feelings for each other? Silly me to get in the way of that!" When I was outraged and devastated and questioned why the hell anyone would think what they were doing was OK, he backtracked quickly.

 

I can tell you that my overriding conviction that day was that I would NOT be a participant in some stupid love triangle, even if it was with my own husband, even as a SAHM with chronic health issues. I mean, are you kidding me? I am way too good for that. I felt that in the depths of my bones. I want a man who wants me and only me, or none at all. And he knows me, of course, and he knew I wouldn't tolerate that and he could shape up or ship out. Otherwise it might have been one of those godawful situations where the BW simpers around trying to get the WH to pick her while he keeps the candle burning at both ends. I really believe there are men who aren't cheaters out there who would be happy for a chance with a woman like me. I'm not going to settle; I hope you won't either!

 

I could have written that exactly many years ago when I was going through it with my ex. What disturbed me most was when he'd tell me insulting things about his OW (eg - she's not too bright, awkward and hangs on his every word), I knew through my computer surveillance that he was telling her very different things even as we were trying to patch things up. He lied and lied, sometimes to protect my feelings and sometimes to protect himself. Nothing could be trusted, so I had to divorce. I just don't have any ability to believe the words coming out of the mouth of a cheating spouse, hence I'm not all that invested in what is thought of me.