ly399 Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 Bf of 9.5 months is being very inconsistent with his attitude towards settling down. He asks me on daily basis if he could have me forever, i'm always reluctant and tell him we should go with the flow. And then I saw his texts to his best friend saying he's not ready for marriage and family. Why pressuring me for marriage when he's not ready?! We are both in late 20s We are great together in many ways, his family and friends love me, he treats me like a princess, and says he loves me all the time, etc. He's the more idealistic type and i'm more practical. Although I really want to get married, I would only marry someone I feel safe with. We started off casual, open for 7 months, and exclusive for 2,5. In my back of my mind i'm always skeptical of our future together. One day after a fight he admitted he loves my personality and thinks i'm beautiful, but isn't sexually into me (whatever that means). I wanted a breakup, he wanted to fix our sexual chemistry. I agree to stay with him for another month for convenience. He has been working hard to spice things in the bedroom lately and hoping not to breakup. Back when we first become exclusive, he texted his 'old lover' that his feeling for her hasn't changed and they should continue if things don't work out with me. The other girl is hesitant, she liked him, he dumped her to date me, and still want her as backup option. He's faithful since 'the talk' as far as I can tell. When I point out his inconsistency, he denials to the fullest extend and reassure me that I'm his love. I don't understand him. What the hell does he want. He tells me I'm the one, then text his best friend saying he's not ready. when his best friend said to set me free, he says i'm the best partner, he will fight for us. He did change a lot, saving more, work harder, try harder in bed, etc. If he tries hard for us and want us to succeed, then why telling 'old lover' he still got feelings for her. Shall I breakup with him or continue to date him? No one is perfect and relationship takes work, I get that. Our family want us to marry, we do love each other, but his conflicting behaviors worry me. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 You are in no place to be married at this time. Im not sure anything is happening worth breaking up. Do you love him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ly399 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Share Posted November 28, 2016 Agree. I do love him, but love isn't enough. Plenty people cheat on their loved ones because their own insecurities. I want my life to be safe, no craziness. I want to break up because he said he isn't sexually into me Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 Your relationship is nowhere near ready to even begin thinking about marriage. I would say it's not even really much a relationship, to be honest. To me it sounds like he's biding his time hoping his previous girl will change her mind. He strikes me as the type who can't handle really being single, so he slots a woman in and hopes he can turn her into "The One" or that he can force himself to feel that spark, because he doesn't want to be alone. That's what I think is really going on here. To be blunt, he's not that into you but is hoping he can convince himself that he is. A man who is serious about you would not be texting a former partner telling her they should get back together. The right guy would not need to "fight" to feel sexual chemistry with you. Why are you still with him? It shouldn't be this hard after just 2.5 months of exclusivity. He's not with you for the right reasons, in my point of view. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 VeveCakes is totally correct, you are in no place to contemplate marriage with him or anyone else right. Further, If you guys do not have sexual compatibility, the this is not the guy for you. Really it sounds like you are thinking like a 20 YO in some respects, not like a woman that is looking to get married. No offense. I think you may want to change your dating strategy, to find guys that are in the same place that you are. Guys are know they are ready to settle down and maybe start a family. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 Break up vs marriage are at opposite ends of the spectrum, and if breaking up is anywhere in your realm of possibility, then marriage shouldn't be on the table, period. Um, sexual attraction is a dealbreaker, imo. Even if it doesn't seem to pose a problem now, it will later, I guarantee it! The fact that he voiced it instead of keeping his mouth shut means it matters to him. You would rather this come out now than later on down the road. Step back....way back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 When you breakup with him... because I believe that's what your going to do. Be prepared for the Rollercoaster ride. Because he hasn't secured the other option yet. he is staying with option A (you) he will check out of this relationship eventually though... it's like he is warning you.. he might even cheat if he is in the right scenario. If and when you dump him he will probably beg for you back and tell you he will do anything to fix it.. I believe the confusion is he transposed the old relationship to the one your currently in and it finally click that you are not like the old girlfriend and he is conflicted. Exactly why you should not go from one relationship to another without reflection and time. My vote is to dump him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Slimtripper Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 What were you doing looking through his texts? If you break up with him hes going to go crazy n try and get you back. You can just see it happening. He has his cake and hes just focusing on the bad parts of that because your being a doormat. I honestly don't know. It may not be as simple as just walking away but i would definitely tell him you need space and see what he does Link to post Share on other sites
Author ly399 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Share Posted November 28, 2016 He strikes me as the type who can't handle really being single, so he slots a woman in and hopes he can turn her into "The One" or that he can force himself to feel that spark, because he doesn't want to be alone. You are right about he can't handle being single, he always dated one girl after another. I just don't understand why he force himself to feel sparks with me? it's not like he's short of options. Isn't it easier to date someone he's attracted to?? I'm not rich or powerful, there is absolutely no incentive to date me unless the guy likes me. I wasn't being clear earlier, the 'old lover' is just a fwb, she got attached. He was pretty nice to her overall but dumped her in a bad way, so she's hesitant to be his backup option (good for her). Back when we were open, He'd cancel on her on short notice whenever i want to hangout. I had no idea she existed until very end, and she knows me all along. I know he likes her too, but i didn't think it's romantic. Now i think about it, he could be saying that so he can avoid being alone if i dump him.(?) unfortunately, we got pretty deep. I met his entire family and friends, they are super kind to me, treated me like a family. It's just odd beyond my comprehension, all this effort for a girl he's not sexually attracted to? And why bring up marriage when he's not even ready? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ly399 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Share Posted November 28, 2016 What were you doing looking through his texts? I didn't want become his girlfriend at first because during the 7 months of open relationship he didn't tell me about that girl, we promised to be completely honest with each other. He said I didn't ask (how am i supposed to know) and he didn't want to hurt my feelings because it's just sex. In order to rebuild trust he said i'm free to go through his phone. We'll breakup if he ever cheats Link to post Share on other sites
Author ly399 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Share Posted November 28, 2016 When you breakup with him... Be prepared for the Rollercoaster ride. Because he hasn't secured the other option yet. If and when you dump him he will probably beg for you back and tell you he will do anything to fix it.. My vote is to dump him. What do I do? He's already in panic mode, promise to fix everything. It's so exhausting, I really want to be left alone. But I don't know how other than block him from calls/texts, avoid him if he tries to see me, delete him from social media, etc. I had an ex doing all of the above to me once, I remember the bitterness of standing in cold rain outside of my ex apt for hours hoping to talk to him, I promised I would never do this to another human being ever, all breakups should be respectful if possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 Have you had the conversation explaining his admission over the lack of sexual attraction has eaten away at you and for now, you need time and space so you'd like to take a break/break up/or whatever you choose to call the separation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ly399 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Share Posted November 28, 2016 Have you had the conversation explaining his admission over the lack of sexual attraction has eaten away at you and for now, you need time and space so you'd like to take a break/break up/or whatever you choose to call the separation? Yes, he promised to work on it and he has been. our sex improved and i'm fine with it, it's that feeling of mistrust eating me inside out. he says one thing to me, and another to someone else. He could be scared of committing and thus said those things in the moment. I'm pretty happy dating him if he didn't constantly talking about making me his wife. I couldn't figure out my anxiety is from dating the wrong guy or having commitment issue, maybe both. Link to post Share on other sites
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