My story as the OW

[elaine567]

Does your husband know the truth? If he doesn't you may need to tell him because there is a huge chance she or he will contact your husband at some point.

I doubt her husband will care, the OP is divorced.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I doubt her husband will care, the OP is divorced.

 

My fault, sometimes i get my stories mixed up here. I do agree with Eye above in that you told now remove yourself from the situation.

 

Agreed in that you didn't ruin their marriage he did.

[elaine567]

He texted me at 2 AM thanking me for ruining his marriage.

 

I guess he ain't leaving then?

[Friskyone4u]

Oh boy ... let me just start by saying I'm THAT stupid girl. I'm not sure why I'm here sharing this; I guess I just need to get it out and have people not attached to me give me their honest opinions.

 

It started out mid-June. We work together... I work full-time and he's an intern. He's in school for his second degree so we are still in the same age range (early to mid 30s). It came up unexpectedly and got serious between us very quickly. He obviously said he is unhappy in his marriage. She's very controlling and insecure. If everything he tells me is true, there are real double standards concerning how she can spend her free time and spend money (basically however she wants) and how he does the same (only with her approval). She's a SAHM and he works when he can while he's in school. I am divorced with a child (5) and he has two (1 and 2).

 

We saw each other whenever we could. The passion and emotions were undeniable. It was easy enough during the summer to ignore that he was married but when he started back in school, it became so clear to me that it he is in fact married. I knew this going in, but it didn't really bother me until he went back to school. He never wore his wedding ring to work, even before we started our relationship. I really started to struggle with him being married and he keeps telling me he just needed time - that he needed to do it in his own way. To this point, he has told me that he saw a lawyer, he and the wife have had conversations about being unhappy in the marriage, and recently moved into the guest room to get space and think about what he wants.

 

For me it changes day to day whether or not I can believe him. Some days I can see all of the things that are evidence that he really does want to leave. The most recent is hearing from other coworkers that he's told them he's unhappy and thinking about leaving her. Other days I can see how all of this is complete and utter bull****.

 

The situation as it currently stands...

 

We've been fighting a lot the past month or so and I finally broke up with him. It was a really tough weekend, we continued to see each other and what not. In the end, we decided to take a break. He wants to get through the holidays as a family and also wants to be able to do well during finals. He also said he just wants space to help figure out how to leave the marriage (or if he really wants to). I agreed to that and said I would be single and carry on with my life as such. We agreed to talk again after the new year when we come back to work.

 

I've been struggling with this a lot. I miss him like crazy. It's been a little over two weeks since we stoppped talking, aside from one call last week. It's causing me a lot of anxiety and lately I've been considering telling his wife just to put an end to everything. I don't know what I'll do in January if he says he still doesn't know what he wants. If he wants to stay in the marriage, I know he won't tell her and there's a big part of me that wants to tell her so she can make an informed decision. I have indisputable proof of our affair with pics and screenshots.

 

I don't know if there's ever been a time in my life when I have felt so lost. I guess I just need a place where I am completely free to express my feelings about this.

 

Sometimes a part of me thinks this "space" he requested is to let me down easy thus lessening the chances of me telling the wife. Sometimes a part of me believes he really does need space to evaluate how to move forward in his life. I will see him tomorrow at work. It'll be the first time I've seen him since we broke up. I'm not sure how to handle it.

 

 

Dry Puddles,

 

You are being played and his wife deserves to know. And that will accomplish two things

(1) he will then have to make a choice to either leave her or not

(2) having her watching him will most likely end it for good and then your option of hanging around goes away and you will find it easier to move on.

 

What you need to ask yourself is are you not telling her in order to hang on??? As long as she is clueless YOU have the option of restarting the affair. So you need to be honest with yourself.

[eye of the storm]

I guess he ain't leaving then?

 

If he wanted the M to end he would not be upset that the M was ending. He would be mad at the catalyst but be glad its finally ending.

 

I can still see the look on my now xHs face when it ended. Relief. He had found a way for it to be my fault. It was ugly. But it was over. And he was glad.

 

Drypuddle, your MM is doing everything he can to save his M. And please don't get wrapped up in why. Why doesn't matter. What matters is that he is trying to save his M. Something he tells you he doesn't care about.

 

Now, if she kicks him out. And she may. He will come crawling back to you. Not because he loves you but you are a soft landing. And you are the back up plan. Don't be anyone's back up. You have the right to be someone's choice.

[elaine567]

Dry Puddles,

 

You are being played and his wife deserves to know.

 

See the update the wife now does know, the OP told her

[UpwardForward]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. Some things are definitely tough to read but I wouldn't have posted here if I didn't want to face them.

 

I will be honest in saying that my main motivation for telling right now would be out of vindictiveness and spite. There are reasons why I don't. I came in this willingly, knowing he was married. Telling her would be shifting the responsibility. Sometimes I just want him to hurt like I am hurting now. I know she's innocent and he's likely painting her as this awful person. It's just something I think about when I'm feeling particularly low.

 

What really struck me in one reply was why I waffle so much between believing and not believing - I don't want to face who I know him to really be. He's shown me the lying and coniving he's capable of pulling off. I'd be foolish to think he would be different.

 

I guess I just needed to read the things from you all that I haven't been able to face myself. Thank you all for your honesty.

 

If you could read other OM/OW stories, I really think it could help with your continued strengthening.

 

Also, I think even if you win him, his wife would continue to be a part of his life, and to even compare. You don't want to continue with the third person scenario.

[drypuddle]

A coworker was having a conversation with him about his marriage and the unhappiness in it. She straight up asked him why he stays and he told her it's because he believed they could make it work which COMPLETELY CONTRADICTS everything he's ever told me. And even after confronting him about it, all he could do was back pedal, tell me he loves me, etc. After I sent her the texts, I called him to let him know I did and boy was he singing a different song then. Now he wants to work on the marriage.

 

I always told him if he wanted to work on the marriage, he could say so and I would step aside and not get in the way. He kept asking me if I would do that. I only told him that she now has my contact info, she knows who I am, and I would answer any questions and provide evidence as she requests.

 

The texts I sent only contained my first name and the offer to give her more info if she wanted to know, otherwise she should talk to her husband about me. One time a few months ago, he said my name in his sleep and she was on high alert ever since. So I knew if the sleep talking story was true, it would be enough to just tell her my name. But then I got to thinking ...

 

He could so easily weasel his way out of that, ie "crazy girl at work", so I followed it up with an email. I was as kind and considerate as possible, gave enough information that he wouldn't be able to deny the affair but not so much that it was an attempt to hurt her,, again offered any supporting evidence if she wanted, and apologized for my part in it.

 

I will be honest in saying that I didn't feel compassion or empathy for her during the affair. If I did, I wouldn't have participated. I will say, I feel like garbage today for my role in it. I don't feel anything for him. Im not hoping that now they'll get divorced and then we can finally feel better. I am feeling some relief at knowing it's over and I can move on. I am really sad thinking about how wrecked her world is right now and how I contributed to it. I know it's not my fault that his marriage is ruined, but I do take responsibility for my part in it.

[drypuddle]

Moving forward, the only contact I will have is if she reaches out with questions or what not. Otherwise, I'm moving on with my life. I already had an appointment to start therapy scheduled tomorrow.

 

I'm a little apprehensive about tomorrow at work. We do work in the same facility but not directly with each other. Do I just pretend to not see him? Obviously I'll avoid him like the plague but on the off chance that we do bump into each other, I'm not sure what to expect or how to handle it.

[BTDT2012]

A coworker was having a conversation with him about his marriage and the unhappiness in it. She straight up asked him why he stays and he told her it's because he believed they could make it work which COMPLETELY CONTRADICTS everything he's ever told me. And even after confronting him about it, all he could do was back pedal, tell me he loves me, etc. After I sent her the texts, I called him to let him know I did and boy was he singing a different song then. Now he wants to work on the marriage.

 

I always told him if he wanted to work on the marriage, he could say so and I would step aside and not get in the way. He kept asking me if I would do that. I only told him that she now has my contact info, she knows who I am, and I would answer any questions and provide evidence as she requests.

 

The texts I sent only contained my first name and the offer to give her more info if she wanted to know, otherwise she should talk to her husband about me. One time a few months ago, he said my name in his sleep and she was on high alert ever since. So I knew if the sleep talking story was true, it would be enough to just tell her my name. But then I got to thinking ...

 

He could so easily weasel his way out of that, ie "crazy girl at work", so I followed it up with an email. I was as kind and considerate as possible, gave enough information that he wouldn't be able to deny the affair but not so much that it was an attempt to hurt her,, again offered any supporting evidence if she wanted, and apologized for my part in it.

 

I will be honest in saying that I didn't feel compassion or empathy for her during the affair. If I did, I wouldn't have participated. I will say, I feel like garbage today for my role in it. I don't feel anything for him. Im not hoping that now they'll get divorced and then we can finally feel better. I am feeling some relief at knowing it's over and I can move on. I am really sad thinking about how wrecked her world is right now and how I contributed to it. I know it's not my fault that his marriage is ruined, but I do take responsibility for my part in it.

 

What you wanted was to twist the knife a little more. She already told you that she didn't want to hear any more from you.

[drypuddle]

What you wanted was to twist the knife a little more. She already told you that she didn't want to hear any more from you.

 

No, this was sent before she sent the text. I haven't contacted her since. Sorry for the confusion.

[eye of the storm]

At work, ignore. He is not worth losing your job over so ignore.

 

He is going to be angry and want to either beg you to keep you mouth shut or he will want to take his bad situation out on you. Don't let him. You are busy. That report is due, that project needs rework. that assembly line wont assemble on its own....what ever. Just do not engage with him. You are busy.

 

Therapy is a good start.

[drypuddle]

I'm confident I can keep my cool. I can make myself scarce enough that the likelihood of bumping into him is small. I'm concerned about him actually trying to find me. I work in a lab by myself. I guess I can always walk away and hope he doesn't make a scene.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I'm confident I can keep my cool. I can make myself scarce enough that the likelihood of bumping into him is small. I'm concerned about him actually trying to find me. I work in a lab by myself. I guess I can always walk away and hope he doesn't make a scene.

 

I would be pretty surprised if he shows up at work at least for awhile. He may also be changing jobs soon since you both work together.

 

I have to add I am rather impressed you told. You are trying to right the wrong and do the right thing and now the BS can make a choice. I hope MM learns a valuable lesson here and everyone can get the help they need to move forward.

[imsosad]

You will get through tomorrow, and it's no surprise that you might be a bit nervous.

I think it's possible, even probable, that he'd go to great length to avoid you.

First, he's probably sworn up and down he'd keep NC.

Moreover, he's in trouble at home, if his wife catches a hint of drama at work ( overheard discussion,HR involvement), it will sink him deeper. A confrontation can end badly for him. What if you're recording him? The last thing he needs is his wife getting more info from you.

He has good reason to keep his distance.

[drypuddle]

I would be pretty surprised if he shows up at work at least for awhile. He may also be changing jobs soon since you both work together.

 

I have to add I am rather impressed you told. You are trying to right the wrong and do the right thing and now the BS can make a choice. I hope MM learns a valuable lesson here and everyone can get the help they need to move forward.

 

Thank you. I've been thinking about doing it for awhile. The stress of the relationship was getting to be so much, and for the last month or two we were constantly on the brink of breaking up because I wanted him to do something about the marriage. It was totally an emotional decision to text her last night. I needed it to be over. She needed to know. He needed to be accountable.

[drypuddle]

You will get through tomorrow, and it's no surprise that you might be a bit nervous.

I think it's possible, even probable, that he'd go to great length to avoid you.

First, he's probably sworn up and down he'd keep NC.

Moreover, he's in trouble at home, if his wife catches a hint of drama at work ( overheard discussion,HR involvement), it will sink him deeper. A confrontation can end badly for him. What if you're recording him? The last thing he needs is his wife getting more info from you.

He has good reason to keep his distance.

 

Thank you! This helps me feel a little bit better about tomorrow. It's hard to predict how people will react in these situations. He's a road-rage/hot headed type.

[seekingtruth1234]

Sorry drypuddle, can't let you off that easy. Another poster said they were impressed you told the BS and that you were trying to right a wrong. I disagree. Reaching out the BS only served your purpose and was selfish. You either wanted to hurt your xMM or you wanted to force his hand by having the BS kick him out after she found out.

 

If you really wanted to simply move on, you could've just done so and let him deal with his "accountability" on his own. He would've been out of your life anyway, so who cares.

If you felt the BS should know, well that's great, but it wasn't your place to tell her. You don't know her from a hole in the wall and like you said, had no empathy for her. It was your xMM and if he doesn't have the balls to do so, then he's got to live with it.

 

I wish you well but I think you need to be honest with yourself about motives.

[drypuddle]

Sorry drypuddle, can't let you off that easy. Another poster said they were impressed you told the BS and that you were trying to right a wrong. I disagree. Reaching out the BS only served your purpose and was selfish. You either wanted to hurt your xMM or you wanted to force his hand by having the BS kick him out after she found out.

 

If you really wanted to simply move on, you could've just done so and let him deal with his "accountability" on his own. He would've been out of your life anyway, so who cares.

If you felt the BS should know, well that's great, but it wasn't your place to tell her. You don't know her from a hole in the wall and like you said, had no empathy for her. It was your xMM and if he doesn't have the balls to do so, then he's got to live with it.

 

I wish you well but I think you need to be honest with yourself about motives.

 

I appreciate your input seekingtruth. I think that it's possible that I had several motives for telling, not any of them altruistic besides she needing to know. I was married once and was always in the "I'd want to know" camp. Even though it was an emotional decision last night, in the heat of the moment, I had been on the fence for awhile about telling. None of those reasons involved telling her so they would divorce and he would be with me. I always knew if I told, it would be the final nail in the coffin. It took me awhile to get to the point when I was okay being done with him forever and what happened last night was enough to finally push me over the edge.

[Jersey born raised]

While your motives may have been wrong, your action was right. I read a qoute by a BH to a WW " why didn't you you just divorce me"! At least she has knowedge to make an informed choice.

 

But what about your actions in getting involved and staying invovled with a MM? That's you burden to carry.

[drypuddle]

While your motives may have been wrong, your action was right. I read a qoute by a BH to a WW " why didn't you you just divorce me"! At least she has knowedge to make an informed choice.

 

But what about your actions in getting involved and staying invovled with a MM? That's you burden to carry.

 

The burden is mine to carry and I do carry it. I'm by no means absolving my part in this.

[eye of the storm]

There are a lot of people who think you should tell no matter what your motives and just as many who think you shouldn't.

 

I'm usually in the don't camp just because it can (not will but can) keep you tied in the situation. And because sometimes APs tell only because they are trying to force the WS out so they can scoop up the remains.

 

What's done is done. You told. You also say you are done with the situation and worded the text and email in a way to give proof without rubbing her nose in it. Which shows delayed empathy but does show some.

 

Learn from this, grow from this, heal from this, and most importantly, move on from this.

[drypuddle]

There are a lot of people who think you should tell no matter what your motives and just as many who think you shouldn't.

 

I'm usually in the don't camp just because it can (not will but can) keep you tied in the situation. And because sometimes APs tell only because they are trying to force the WS out so they can scoop up the remains.

 

What's done is done. You told. You also say you are done with the situation and worded the text and email in a way to give proof without rubbing her nose in it. Which shows delayed empathy but does show some.

 

Learn from this, grow from this, heal from this, and most importantly, move on from this.

 

Thank you so much for this!

[Scarlett94]

I'm a BS. I wish the OW would have told me so I think you did the right thing.

[drypuddle]

I'm a BS. I wish the OW would have told me so I think you did the right thing.

 

 

Thank you