My story as the OW

[drypuddle]

A couple sayings that people told me when my life was falling apart, that really helped me:

 

"The only way to get past it is to go through it"

 

and

 

"Let time do the heavy lifting"

 

This will get easier with time! You're doing well! Keep up the NC as best you can.

 

Thank you!

[aileD]

Are you still hoping for something come Jan 3rd or have you moved on and accepted you don't want him no matter what?

 

I think once that deadline passes and he is still the same guy and has done nothing to change his situation...then mentally it will be much easier to move on.

 

A part of you still needs to know and even though you mentally know he will do nothing...your heart still needs the date to come and go as closure

[drypuddle]

Are you still hoping for something come Jan 3rd or have you moved on and accepted you don't want him no matter what?

 

I think once that deadline passes and he is still the same guy and has done nothing to change his situation...then mentally it will be much easier to move on.

 

A part of you still needs to know and even though you mentally know he will do nothing...your heart still needs the date to come and go as closure

 

I told his wife about us. I knew when I did that I was sealing the deal on the relationship and I'm okay with that. Now I am moving on.

[drypuddle]

It's been over a month with NC. I'm having a little bit of a tough time today. He's on my mind and i wonder if he ever thinks about me.

 

We literally almost bumped into each other the other day at work. He was coming out of a lab as I was walking by. Eye contact was made. He say hey. I said hey. And then we both went about our business. I was hoping he wouldn't be around work as much with a new semester of school, but apparently he's there more now. It sucks.

 

I'm not even considering reaching out. Please don't confuse this post with me having that intention. It's just a hard day. I'm trying to keep in mind that this "getting over him" business isn't a linear process. There will be highs and there will be lows. I'm also feeling unwell and know that contributes.

 

Positive actions since the going NC:

 

I've been seeing a great therapist who is helping me sort this all out, as the affair was only a symptom of some greater unrest in me.

 

I've been much more social with friends.

 

I've gotten my diet under control and have since lost 9.5 pounds.

 

I haven't had a drink since Christmas, but that's more because I want my calories for eating, not for drinking.

 

I've been more productive around the house - taking care of things that have been on the back burner for far too long.

 

so, I suppose in these moments of sadness, I should acknowledge that I'm sad, accept it, and then actively concentrate on those positives and how to make the list longer.

[drypuddle]

Has anyone else, post breakup and NC, felt the urge to bring on some sort of other changes in their lives?

 

For instance... over the past month, I have contemplated getting a cat (though I hate litter boxes), considered getting a puppy (even though I have a dog who already doesn't get enough attention), considered some new furnitire, and now my latest consuming thought of change is selling my house to buy a new one.

[jah526]

Has anyone else, post breakup and NC, felt the urge to bring on some sort of other changes in their lives?

 

For instance... over the past month, I have contemplated getting a cat (though I hate litter boxes), considered getting a puppy (even though I have a dog who already doesn't get enough attention), considered some new furnitire, and now my latest consuming thought of change is selling my house to buy a new one.

 

I've only been a week no contact but I've been focusing on other stuff too, and it does help. I have a giant list of things I've been needing to do for a long time and am slowly chipping away at it. I bought an indoor garden and it makes me happy seeing the plants growing. Started therapy this week too.

 

Sounds like you and I are in the same boat in some respects, that we both work with the AP. I can mostly avoid him, but he is friends with my boss so he sometimes comes over to my office area. Makes me nervous what he may be telling my boss. But I think he is moving on (to other women). I was easily dispensable.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I have to see my xMM at work and it makes the process a little harder. I think you are doing an amazing job though!

 

I have the desire to make some changes in my life too and I don't think it is a bad thing. Go with it- get a new dog or change your hair, maybe buy that new car. I believe this is part of moving on..

[spideywoman]

Has anyone else, post breakup and NC, felt the urge to bring on some sort of other changes in their lives?

 

For instance... over the past month, I have contemplated getting a cat (though I hate litter boxes), considered getting a puppy (even though I have a dog who already doesn't get enough attention), considered some new furnitire, and now my latest consuming thought of change is selling my house to buy a new one.

 

ha ha, yes.

 

i just bought a new couch today and i have re-committed my gym regimen. my nights of having wine have dwindled significantly to the point where one glass gets me tipsy now i.e. cheap date so yea, the urge is there and i am feeding it within reason. i also want to travel but that's money i don't have. i took a big trip last year post-break up and while getting paperwork ready for divorce.

 

it's not a linear process AT ALL. especially if you work together, which we do in a very small and intimate office where everyone knows everybody's business. it has been about 6 months of very LC for me but the past few days have been very tough.

 

determination is everything.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I created a list of things I wanted to do (more time with friends, road trips, gym/exercise, exotic vacation, parasailing, skating etc)...and did and continue to do all of those. Now, I'm going through the list #2, and it feels good, keeps me busy.

 

I'm more focused at work, and consequently becoming as successful and fulfilled with it as I used to be. It was very hard for me to admit how much I was almost neglecting that part of my life. Now, I'm thinking of pursuing professional certification, and getting pretty excited about it.

 

I had a period of month or so where I wanted to change my appearance (cutting my hair really short, drastically changing hair color), or completely changing/replacing all the furniture in my apartment...almost did it. I realized that would be mostly cosmetics that would really change nothing.

 

It's my feelings, my mind I need to look at, face, and understand. Keeping myself busy with old/new activities and experiences and spending more time with people I love have helped me more than anything in getting new perspective and clearing the A fog. It may not work for everyone, but it's been working for me.

 

Everyone says that to get over the A, it's time that is needed. That's very true. But, more importantly - it's what you do and how you spend that time! If you spend it sitting on the couch thinking about what he's thinking - you'll never heal. If you fill that time with meaningful things and people you you love, healing will be faster, and you'll be able to fully claim your life again.

 

That's not to say that hard days, lonely nights will not come. They certainly will. I still have them. More often than I'd want. I don't fight it when they come. I embrace them, I cry it out, and then I remind myself - I'm going to reach that place of indifference where the A is just a distant memory with life lessons about myself, who I'm and who I'm not, and who I want to be. And, I keep moving again.

 

And, that's it for me really - never to forget where I'm going.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Has anyone else, post breakup and NC, felt the urge to bring on some sort of other changes in their lives?

 

For instance... over the past month, I have contemplated getting a cat (though I hate litter boxes), considered getting a puppy (even though I have a dog who already doesn't get enough attention), considered some new furnitire, and now my latest consuming thought of change is selling my house to buy a new one.

 

Yes. I decided to change my diet right after the last time I saw him forever, which was end of November. I gave up the Paleo (since we had that in common) and brought back in pasta, rice and bread. It is now 6 weeks or so later (I don't consider it NC but consider it just finally over so I have not counted days or weeks) and I am about 8 lbs and 2% body fat higher. So I am on a diet, weighing my food, logging it into My Fitness Pal and saying goodbye again to pasta, rice and bread. It is not fun.

 

So the lesson here is to be careful about changes while you are essentially going through a breakup. It's okay to train for a 5K or buy a new lipstick but be wary of big life changes like buying a pet, buying a new house, quitting your job or the worst of them all, having another baby.

[drypuddle]

Thanks for all of the support! It's uplifting to hear how everyone else is managing also.

 

Sooooo... I got a kitten today. I took my son to the humane society and we picked out a little boy kitten, white with black markings. Super cute! He has three big dots in a row on his back so we named him Domino.

 

MB - how's it going using myfitnesspal? That's what I've been using the last couple of weeks and I really like it!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thanks for all of the support! It's uplifting to hear how everyone else is managing also.

 

Sooooo... I got a kitten today. I took my son to the humane society and we picked out a little boy kitten, white with black markings. Super cute! He has three big dots in a row on his back so we named him Domino.

 

MB - how's it going using myfitnesspal? That's what I've been using the last couple of weeks and I really like it!

 

Awe. I did get a puppy when I was separated from my ex. He is going to be 14 now. Pets are good. It's not like buying a house or a baby thank God but it is a big responsibility. Still, pets are very rewarding. It is hard to be sad with a puppy or kitten.

 

I like MFP, I have a Fitbit and it synches the calories to MFP, which is nice. I do get a bit lazy with recording my food, especially if its a cooked meal. I did learn that a glass of box wine has 125 calories and a glass of bottled wine has 85. Go figure. But it helps keep me accountable. (and drink less!)

 

December was difficult for me and I just ate whatever, bowls of pasta, bread, etc. I kind of didn't care. But I'm feeling a spark of hope for the future now.

[whichwayisup]

Has anyone else, post breakup and NC, felt the urge to bring on some sort of other changes in their lives?

 

For instance... over the past month, I have contemplated getting a cat (though I hate litter boxes), considered getting a puppy (even though I have a dog who already doesn't get enough attention), considered some new furnitire, and now my latest consuming thought of change is selling my house to buy a new one.

 

Start by having a spa day with your closest friends. Go shopping, get a new haircut...Start off slow and then buy new furniture. If you're not sure about a pet, don't get one.

[Poppy47]

Do everything you want to do.

 

It will take you mind off other things.

 

Poppy.

[Ahurtgirl]

Do what you need to feel better. If he was at your home and it's feasible to sell, it may be a good way to get him even more out of your mind. Change is good.

 

I still have days I am unable to get out of bed because of the devastation of how my exMM treated me at the end. I hope someday to be able to function again like I was before he came into my life. I was so much happier and successful. I want "me" back.

 

Be strong and know you have those of us who have been down this road of life to offer our support and experiences.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Do what you need to feel better. If he was at your home and it's feasible to sell, it may be a good way to get him even more out of your mind. Change is good.

 

I still have days I am unable to get out of bed because of the devastation of how my exMM treated me at the end. I hope someday to be able to function again like I was before he came into my life. I was so much happier and successful. I want "me" back.

 

Be strong and know you have those of us who have been down this road of life to offer our support and experiences.

 

Before my affair i remember a point in time where i was so happy and content with my life.. I had that feeling again yesterday- for the first time in almost 2 years I had that feeling of happiness and contentment. The feeling almost startled me...

 

Your xMM can only take what you choose to continue and give him. How much more of your life will you allow him to steal? Take back your happiness- find it, seek it, fight for it - this is your fight and i promise you can find it again.

 

During the affair i was so scared I would never find that 'feeling' again and I did and I know I am going to be okay.

[drypuddle]

Before my affair i remember a point in time where i was so happy and content with my life.. I had that feeling again yesterday- for the first time in almost 2 years I had that feeling of happiness and contentment. The feeling almost startled me...

 

I had just purchased kayaks for my son and I right before I became involved with exMM. My friends, in trying to make me realize how unhappy I was, would point out that before he came along, my biggest problem was where I was going to store those kayaks.

 

Finding my way back to that peaceful happy life. I'm happy to hear you are finding your way back too!

[drypuddle]

Awe. I did get a puppy when I was separated from my ex. He is going to be 14 now. Pets are good. It's not like buying a house or a baby thank God but it is a big responsibility. Still, pets are very rewarding. It is hard to be sad with a puppy or kitten.

 

I like MFP, I have a Fitbit and it synches the calories to MFP, which is nice. I do get a bit lazy with recording my food, especially if its a cooked meal. I did learn that a glass of box wine has 125 calories and a glass of bottled wine has 85. Go figure. But it helps keep me accountable. (and drink less!)

 

December was difficult for me and I just ate whatever, bowls of pasta, bread, etc. I kind of didn't care. But I'm feeling a spark of hope for the future now.

It is certainly hard to be sad with a kitten around, especially when he's constantly trying to bite my nose!

 

It made me so sad realizing the other night just how many calories are packed into pasta. At first I thought, okay ... 200 calories in 2 ounces. I can deal with that! And then I weighed out 2 ounces of pasta and was the saddest person ever. Looking back, I should've checked if that was 2 ounces cooked or uncooked.

 

Glad to hear you are feeling that spark again!

[drypuddle]

Ugh. I'm pretty mad at myself today for all of the choices I made that have led me to where I am today: shaking like a leaf at work.

 

Mind you, it's been almost two months since I exposed him to his wife and after a confrontation a couple of days afterwards, we have not been in communication; however, over the last couple of weeks, we have seen each other in the hallways at work and exchanged curt greetings as we pass each other. I always wait for him to say something first.

 

We just passed each other in the hallway and curtly said good morning and both went about our business. A few minutes later, I came into my lab and he's actually working in here today, and now that's why I'm shaking. I don't want him in my space, even legitimately, to do work. Also, he brought a drink in here which is NOT allowed... I wanted to say something (it is "my" lab, so to speak), but I didn't want it to appear that I was looking for an excuse to talk to him.

 

So, yeah, just mad at myself for putting myself in this position. I hate it.

Edited January 26, 2017 by drypuddle