Getting over my first love [UPDATE: Spending time with your ex]

[FaithInTheDark]

My ex and I broke up two months ago.

He was my first love , my first serious boyfriend. During the breakup it got really messy but deep down I had always hoped we would.make it work.

I think I've been in denial, but he would keep in contact with me and we would tell each other that we loved each other.

Yesterday, I finally came to grips that it's over forever ... We texted and finally got a clear understanding that he was letting me go.

As painful as it was , I told him to never contact me again. He still has some belonging of mine and I have some of his but, can't face him until I'm ready. He lives 5 mins away from where I now live.

I wake up with a heavy pain inside my chest and as dramatic as it sounds I'm at a loss of knowing how to move on from the only person I ever loved.

I am reaching out for support. And asking if people have any advice of how to heal a broken heart. I'm really longing to be happy again but I'm hurting more than I ever have in my life .

I just don't know how I can possibly get over this man.

[ly399]

I'm so sorry it happened, I was where you are a year and half ago. It's going to be real rough for the first 6 months (depending how long you have been dated), I was constantly missing him, blaming myself. Enjoy the relationship as it is, knowing you are still young and you will find more love in life (probably better). And the pain slowly went away, but it comes back now and then. you just have to be strong, stay with people you love, avoid alcohol or drugs.

 

You need to reflect on yourself, but don't blame yourself, and don't jump into another relationship any time soon. Repeat what I just told you, don't jump into another relationship until you are completely recovered!!!!!!

 

I live to tell you the pain of losing your first love and then get consumed in messy subsequent love relationships, then you don't really give yourself time to heal. Did exactly what people told me not to do.

[BAcK]

My ex and I broke up two months ago.

He was my first love , my first serious boyfriend. During the breakup it got really messy but deep down I had always hoped we would.make it work.

I think I've been in denial, but he would keep in contact with me and we would tell each other that we loved each other.

Yesterday, I finally came to grips that it's over forever ... We texted and finally got a clear understanding that he was letting me go.

As painful as it was , I told him to never contact me again. He still has some belonging of mine and I have some of his but, can't face him until I'm ready. He lives 5 mins away from where I now live.

I wake up with a heavy pain inside my chest and as dramatic as it sounds I'm at a loss of knowing how to move on from the only person I ever loved.

I am reaching out for support. And asking if people have any advice of how to heal a broken heart. I'm really longing to be happy again but I'm hurting more than I ever have in my life .

I just don't know how I can possibly get over this man.

Tbh there is no magical way to escape this pain. The pain of losing your first love is excruciating for sure. What you need to understand is that this pain you are expereincing now will make you stronger. Accept things as they are. You want to cry, cry! But do not dwell on it. One thing i've learned is that first love is not necessarily true love. You will find love again.

Time will heal you but you need to give yourself a reason to move on. Stay single for a while, live for yourself. Self discovery is a form of supreme bliss. Love will find you if you are happy with yourself.

[imbo1993]

Hello there. I'm currently going through a similar thing.

 

My fiancee (who I was with for over 3 years) recently left me out of the blue. You wouldn't believe how close we were. Yes we had our little arguments but always made up the next day. Anyway, things have since turned nasty on her side and I've broken pretty much all contact.

 

Anyway, enough about me! Now this isn't really advice but just more about what I've been going through.

 

The first two weeks after it happened I was crying every day. Being a male, I'm not afraid to admit it. Then the last two weeks lately I've only been crying a couple of times a week. It does get better.

 

The way I started to get better was by spending time with my family and talking about things. Some people will say that you shouldn't keep talking about it but I found it easier talking about my problems, especially to my family. This last week has done me the world of good. I went out one night to a karaoke night with a couple of friends from work. I only had a couple of drinks but had such a fun time talking to everyone, as well as even taking part in karaoke! And you know what, I didn't even think about her once that night! This weekend just gone I spent away at my Dads (which is sadly where the breakup actually happened) and I had such a fantastic time.

 

I think the best thing you can do is just talk to your friends and family and just try to get out to places with them. Maybe even go out for the day to somewhere new.

 

I hope that helps!

[FaithInTheDark]

I am currently healing from a break up from a man that was my first love.

He resisted dating for a really long time and tried to warn me that he experienced sexual abuse from a family member when he was approx 6 years old.

he ended up dating but imminently the sex problems occurred. he didnt want to have sex, less and less. I didnt know how to handle this. Very early on, i got so upset he wasnt interested in sex that i even left his house in the middle of the night. i know how that was not a proper way to deal but i didnt understand.

As the relationship progressed this problem made me very unhappy. I tried to ask him reasons why he wasnt interested and he would say pressure, anxiety, stress, judgement. i know now those are all feelings that result from sexual abuse. but i thought it was my fault.

 

I would try to be patient, id get really sad, depressed, resentful, and try to talk to him about it all the time to resolve the sex issue.

I started to find out he watched porn every single day, and would look up escorts. he said this was out of curiosity. this really killed me inside.

anway, it will be 3 months we broke up...and finally i did re search to completely understand all of this behavior because of the abuse but some how in my brain i didnt understand why, even though i knew the facts.

the researched lined up perfectly with my ex .... watching porn, not being able to relate loving feelings with sex, associating sex with strangers (escorts), deflecting subjects, shutting down when feeling pressure, experiencing pressure from ex that relates to the pressure he had from his abuser...the list goes on. Hes become the type of person that drinks all the time and stated hes accepting who he is and will never get help because hes not emotionally equipped. it was clear to both of us be had a huge amount of problems but now i understand why.

im now over swept with guilt, i wish i focused my attention on the abuse being the root of the cause instead of making him feel bad constantly for neglecting me sexually.

he said he cant be with me because hes a introvert, and isnt cut out to share his life in a full partnership with another woman.

my lack of understatement is eating away at me... because it is all so clear and i feel like i probably shamed him for all of this.

last week I recorded a song (im a musician) about the subject of our relationship and some dysfunctional aspects of us. i did it as a expression for me.after that, he texted me not to talk to him again.

but last night i apologized in a vauge text saying, i was sorry for not understanding his past better, and was sorry i didnt realize even though i would pressure him.

there is so much more i want to say but am conflicted if i should reach out and state my realization in more depth so he understands ... or should i just leave it and move on.

i am really screwed up with these feelings of regret. any advice?

[Larryville]

He resisted dating for a really long time and tried to warn me that he experienced sexual abuse from a family member when he was approx 6 years old.

 

When people tell you who they are... believe them. Ignore at your own peril.

[anika99]

Move on. You already apologized and there is no more to be said. His past abuse is very sad and it does explain his current behaviour but you can't help or fix him. He needs to find his own path to healing and you need to cut ties and get on with your life.

[TheTraveler]

Move on and get on with your life. Leave this relationship in the past where it belongs

[bachdude]

Also remember he is probably trying to move on as well and you appearing in his life to rehash things may only make matters worse for him.

 

 

You apologized and he is not responsible to help you work through your own emotions left over from the relationship.

 

 

Leave him be.

 

 

I'm a musician too, and I recommend working through the aftermath of your relationship through your music.

[FaithInTheDark]

Also remember he is probably trying to move on as well and you appearing in his life to rehash things may only make matters worse for him.

 

 

You apologized and he is not responsible to help you work through your own emotions left over from the relationship.

 

 

Leave him be.

 

 

I'm a musician too, and I recommend working through the aftermath of your relationship through your music.

Yes, I don't want to rehash any more issues by doing this but it is really eating away at me.

[bachdude]

Yes, I don't want to rehash any more issues by doing this but it is really eating away at me.

 

Is sounds like you gave him a sincere apology. I am sure he appreciated that. Would more apologies help you? My guess is not.

 

 

Is it the guilt that is eating away at you? I think you can cut yourself some slack too. Be kind to yourself. Your reaction was understandable and he needs to realize that his issues got in the way of your relationship. He is an adult and also needs to take responsibility for that. He could also apologize to you.

[dumbass2]

Best to leave him alone at this point. You have to think about how this contact may affect him. Most people contact their ex for selfish reasons, to relieve their guilt.

[FaithInTheDark]

Is sounds like you gave him a sincere apology. I am sure he appreciated that. Would more apologies help you? My guess is not.

 

 

Is it the guilt that is eating away at you? I think you can cut yourself some slack too. Be kind to yourself. Your reaction was understandable and he needs to realize that his issues got in the way of your relationship. He is an adult and also needs to take responsibility for that. He could also apologize to you.

Thank you. Your advice helps

[kendahke]

This is a man who needs a therapist more than he needs a girlfriend. His past isn't something on your list to apologize for.

 

A person who has no interest in getting resolution to past traumas is someone who will not do what it takes to maintain a healthy relationship. It's fine that he wants to think this way: what's not fine is him thinking he's entitled to a relationship with this mindset.

 

You can't fix him and he doesn't want to be fixed, so leave him where he sits.

[FaithInTheDark]

I decided not to reach out again to him. Thank you for your thoughts. This break up is a cycle of highs and lows ... It's killing me.

[bachdude]

I decided not to reach out again to him. Thank you for your thoughts. This break up is a cycle of highs and lows ... It's killing me.

 

 

We wish you the best FaithInTheDark

 

 

May I make a recommendation? In David Richo's book "How to be an Adult in Relationships" he has a chapter called "When Relationships End" and I think in the appendix he has a section on how to go through a grieving process. You might find it helpful. I know it has helped me.

[AllyStrass]

First, I am sorry you are going through this. It is tough! Be encouraged, however, that with any relationship, there is a learning curve with regards to your significant other's past. You couldn't have known all of what you know now when you were first getting to know him. It is hard to understand and it's natural to feel like you are doing something wrong, even if the issue has nothing to do with you. If you feel as though you reacted in a wrong way, it was good of you to apologize. I know that forgiving oneself is always harder, though.

I think it is a great idea to cope through using your talent of music. That can be very therapeutic and help get feelings out in a language you speak naturally (music).

I pray for you and him, that through this time you both will be able to heal and grow.

[FaithInTheDark]

Yes, I just won't understand why I racked my brain why he was so werid about sex even though I knew about his abuse. It's all so clear now.

That was the reason why we broke up, I was so unhappy about our unhealthy sex life..... I think it would be alot different if I was more sensitive about his past.

It's different when your living in the situation though.... Plus, he saw how much it was making me suffer he could of taken initiive to get help and help.me understand better but he's not emotionally equipped for any kind of change or communication....He's shut down completely due to this.

I think I might write a letter to him ...And send it later down the road....Not to rehash issues but, for closure to myself that I now understand this learning curve.

I needel to move on but these stages of grief are a roller.coaster

[Redhead14]

Yes, I just won't understand why I racked my brain why he was so werid about sex even though I knew about his abuse. It's all so clear now.

That was the reason why we broke up, I was so unhappy about our unhealthy sex life..... I think it would be alot different if I was more sensitive about his past.

It's different when your living in the situation though.... Plus, he saw how much it was making me suffer he could of taken initiive to get help and help.me understand better but he's not emotionally equipped for any kind of change or communication....He's shut down completely due to this.

I think I might write a letter to him ...And send it later down the road....Not to rehash issues but, for closure to myself that I now understand this learning curve.

I needel to move on but these stages of grief are a roller.coaster

 

I think it would be alot different if I was more sensitive about his past. -- The only thing that would be different is that you would not be pressuring him and being understanding and more accommodating of his needs . . . while at the same time being sexually and emotionally unfulfilled and not having your needs met adequately . . .

[FaithInTheDark]

My ex and I hung out recently and it was a good time. But after a week going by I started to go in panic mode and called him when I was really upset.

I asked what his intentions were and he said he just wanted to be my friend. I got even more emotional and said I couldn't just be friends.

A couple weeks passed and I said I rather be in his life then not at all.

We went out for dinner on Saturday and it was a pretty good hang out.

Last night I called him to talk and he immediately asked if I wanted to come over for dinner.

I could sense an attraction between us but we both held back on physical touch.

Although through out the night there were times he could hug me, slapped my butt, and held my hand while sitting down for dinner.

When we departed he said I miss you. And I asked if he could kiss me ( I get it is usually the guys job to kiss the girl but I couldn't hold back)

He told me he loved me before we went our separate ways

I know the guy said he just wants to be friends but there is no denying there left oolver attraction and love we still have.

Do people have advice for getting your ex back after a break up , and how to use being friends to an advantage?

I'm understanding that you can't be emotional wreck

Edited January 24, 2017 by FaithInTheDark

[dumbass2]

Have you two had a lot of time away from each other with NC to work on issues from the relationship? Are those issue fixed? You know you can't "just be friends" right?

[FaithInTheDark]

Have you two had a lot of time away from each other with NC to work on issues from the relationship? Are those issue fixed? You know you can't "just be friends" right?

 

We have been apart for a few months and never accomplished NC.

Issues have not been worked out but I see positive changes from him already. I understand if we are officially together we have to seriously work out things .

[benpom]

I just don't know how I can possibly get over this man.

 

Watch some motivational videos (Not the type keeping repeating you can do it, but the videos that actually entails some story, or some idea). Read some biographies. When you look at the bigger picture of life, like the life stories of others, it gives us a new perspective to put our current lives. My favorite motivational book is 'the 7 habits of highly effective people'.

 

Most importantly, remember that whatever you are going through now is necessary. Pain is the first step to healing. Avoiding pain will only delay healing. Just keep doing the things you do if you can find energy, and don't overburden yourself and don't put health at risk. One day, you will suddenly realize that you have not thought about the painful past for a long time.