Where to draw the line with boyfriend's messed up friends

[imaginarium]

So my boyfriend and I have been together over a year, and dated for 2 years awhile ago, so over 3 years total. He got divorced last year and we felt he needed space to separate himself from that part of his life, and he got an apartment. This worked out well, as it kept us from rushing. Now, a year later, I have keys to his place and stay there about 5 nights a week, and we are getting serious about getting a place together, engagement, etc.

 

My problem is he has a few friends that are really kind of off. He works in the restaurant industry, and they all drink a lot. They also seem to end up thinking about or doing crazy things, and since my boyfriend is very good in crisis situations and is very level headed, they come to him to "talk them down." The first time it was more of an acquaintance, a guy he works with that lives in his building. Showed up one night unannounced, he and my boyfriend were talking with my boyfriend blocking the door. He comes in, says "I'll be back in a bit," and leaves. Turns out this guy is drunk, wants to kill his live in girlfriend, and asks my bf to convince him not to. So that's what happens. My bf doesn't think he's serious and thinks he's okay after they talk, so doesn't call the cops, and it's been 2 months and the guy seems okay now but I feel real uncomfortable around him and had to explain to bf why I was not okay with him hanging out with or inviting this guy over anymore. That I don't want to be around guys who want to kill their girlfriends.

 

So last night I'm sick, and over his apartment. He had been working on this fancy meal for hours to try to cheer me up cause I'm sick, when I notice he's on the phone and looks really concerned. Turns out his best friend is barricaded in his bedroom at home, threatening to shoot his parents. Now, the guy is 24 and shouldn't live at home anyway. I get when my bf was getting divorced this guy was there for him no matter what, but almost every time we hang out with him he gets super drunk, really angry, and throws tantrums. Once he cornered me in his stairwell and wouldn't let me by, my bf came in then and he moved and I left, haven't hung out with this guy outside of group situations anymore since. Anyway, my bf puts on a bulletproof vest and heads over there, brings the guy back to the apartment, I leave. I'm no longer comfortable at all being around someone who has physically restrained me and then threatened to kill people. Both of these guys own several guns.

 

My bf also doesn't understand why I'm not okay with him being Facebook friends with his ex wife, because he "misses seeing pictures of his dogs." However, she punched herself in the face hard enough to give herself a black eye so she could file domestic violence charges (she forgot there was a security camera when she did it), she drinks a bottle of tequila a night, has access to over 20 guns including full auto assault rifles, and has disliked me for over 15 years. So I'm not okay with her having any access to me at all, and feel like if she has social media access to him then she has it to me as well.

 

So. He does have other, normal friends. And really the best friend is the biggest concern to me, as the others are not close people. But if we live together, im not okay with drunk homicidal people in my home. At the same time, I understand he feels these people pose no threat to him or me and I wouldn't want people telling me who to be friends with.

 

Is it okay to "ban" people from the house for these reasons? Or when we live together should I just leave when people come over I'm not okay with. Again, im not talking I just don't like them, I mean people who have access to weapons and have threatened others with death.

 

PS the cops were called last night, but the guy spent the night at my bf's apartment, so I won't know til later what exactly happened after I left.

[oldshirt]

why does your BF have a bulletproof vest and how does his exwife have a full automatic weapon?

[basil67]

You made a thread a couple of years ago about a guy who you spent a couple of years with. The two of you broke up, he married and when the marriage was breaking down, he got back in contact with you and you started seeing each other again. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/489237-walking-into-lair-sociopath

 

You said that this man you were seeing is a sociopath or psychopath. The timeline of this fits with the guy you're having issues with now. Is this the same guy - or another guy who you've been involved with prior to him being married?

[basil67]

My previous comment aside, I would not associate with a person who owns a bullet proof vest (unless he's police or security)f and has lunatic friends with guns. My self preservation instinct is too strong.

 

Him not calling the police shows that a) this is normal life to him and b) he cares more about the potential perpetrator than the potential victim.

Edited November 29, 2016 by basil67

[Satu]

You concerns are well-founded.

 

What does it say about your boyfriend, that he is connected to people such as these?

 

Nothing good, I think.

[RecentChange]

Ever hear of the term birds of a feather?

 

Why in the world does he associate with people like this? Friends are a great indicator of the kind of person someone is - why why why does he have mentally unstable, violent, armed people in his life?

 

This would be a deal ender for me.

[basil67]

Out of curiousity....these guys who are unstable, own guns and have made death threats....why haven't YOU reported them?

 

Have you thought about how you'd feel when they shoot up a cinema and you know that you did nothing?

[elaine567]

This may be your "norm" but it is not the "norm" for most.

Most would be literally running for the hills or calling the police.

Your bf is talking down his "mad" friend wearing a bullet proof vest in case the friend shoots him and even more worrying his ex wife is a drunk and owns 20 highly dangerous weapons...

 

YOU need to get out of there for your own safety.

[Mr. Lucky]

why does your BF have a bulletproof vest and how does his exwife have a full automatic weapon?

 

Add in death threats to ex-GF's, people barricaded in apartments and stairwell confrontations and it sounds like a bad HBO series.

 

imaginarium, I've been in the restaurant business for 40 years and have never met a single person resembling the characters you describe. That they're apparently a part of your BF's life isn't happenstance and you'll have to decide what your tolerance for drama is.

 

Most folks would be gone...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arieswoman]

imaginarium,

Why in the name of sweet reason would you tolerate all this drama ?!

 

For crying out loud, get out of this situation and don't look back

 

And for goodness sake don't get pregnant, the last thing you want is a baby in this mess.

 

I seriously think you need to get into some therapy to work out why you think any of this is normal, and I say that kindly

 

Please start packing, now.

[imaginarium]

In response, no he isn't the sociopath I posted about here several years ago. That was a fling that ran its course and we don't talk anymore.

 

Also, I understand that my boyfriends life isn't normal. He and his ex were in a home invasion when they were in their early 20s. They were tied up and assaulted pretty badly. So they both went the route of acquiring a lot of guns in case it ever happened again. My boyfriend still has some risidual PTSD from it and it's been over 10 years since it happened. So therefore they are both big gun nuts, a lot of their friends are big gun nuts, just who they are. All the guns are legally obtained. I'll be honest, I would have no issue if all the assault weapons were banned tomorrow, which annoys my bf to no end, but I also don't have an issue that he owns them either. He's responsible about it.

 

As for calling the police, the police did get called on the one guy, and as far as I could tell nothing came of it. I mean he was allowed to leave with my bf (without guns) and they basically said they could do wellness checks. The other guy, if we called the cops and they came out and he said "no they're crazy, I never said that" then it's just one persons word against another and I doubt anything would come of it either. In both cases it was just talk, nothing actually happened, so police involvement would be minimal unless the threatened people wanted to press charges (they didn't.)

 

I have no desire to leave my boyfriend. Again, I know his life isn't normal, but I've never met someone who I've been in love with like him. He texts me that he loves me when he gets to work every single morning, he helps me with my elderly uncle, he cooks for my mom because she lives alone and I'm a terrible cook. He has never yelled at me, swore at me, made me afraid he would hurt me. I trust him, which is something I've struggled with in relationships all my life.

 

He just has some really weird friends that I wish didn't come along with the package.

[imaginarium]

And also, for whoever wondered (im not good at quoting on my phone), I'm on birth control. He has an alarm set and reminds me everyday in case I forget. Neither of us want kids or have any plans to bring any into this world, and we both take responsibility for it. We are aware that we do not live the kind of life that children should be part of.

 

Also, im hoping once we move out of this apartment into a house, a lot of these issues will fall away. Right now he lives very centrally to all these weird friends and they don't drive. But can walk here quickly. When we move further away it won't be as convenient of friendships and i hope that helps remove us from them to an extent.

[lucy_in_disguise]

At some point it's on you to draw boundaries regarding whom you let into your life. Most people would be far from comfortable with the types of people you've described, and would run from the relationship once they realized their SO did not have any intent to address your concerns.

 

You sound pretty hell-bent on defending him, so I don't think there is much we can say to change the situation. But I don't think that moving away is going to solve your problems. Someone who has poor boundaries, a knack for making friends with disturbed people, and an assault weapon collection is not going to stop inviting this kind of drama into his life after moving to a new town.

 

You can make your boundaries clear- for example, no one dealing with a psychological crisis is allowed in your home or his while you're there, and blocking the ex-wife on social media- but at the end of the day, he has to respect your boundaries, and if he doesn't, you need to decide if that's a deal breaker. I hope you realize your "demands" are far from unreasonable, and your self-respect and preservation instincts kick in.

 

I am curious- who assaulted him and his wife? Are u sure it wasn't a former acquaintance?

Good luck.

Edited November 29, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

[GunslingerRoland]

When your life is so messed up you have to own a bullet proof vest, it's time to start again with a brand new social circle. Something bad is going to happen with one of these psycho's sooner or later... you don't want to be involved in this.

[RecentChange]

You should read up a bit about the studies that show that violence spreads like a contagious disease.

 

By merely knowing people, who know people who are armed and violent, your risk of becoming a victim of gun violence goes up exponentially.

 

This is because many studies have been able to prove that violence often spreads like a contagious disease - by associating with those who associate with the infected, you are much more likely to "catch" it than those who do not know any armed violent people.

 

Like so many innocent by Stander's who get caught in the cross fire in violent areas.

[imaginarium]

As far as I'm aware, they were assaulted by friends of one of their other housemates coworkers that were trying to rob the house. They lived with 8 others, college rental housing type situation, and happened to be the only people home. The 2 guys that did it were caught, my boyfriend didn't know them. This was when he was 21. He's 34 now.

 

He's been very respectful of my boundaries so far. The guy that lives in the building, I told him I wasn't comfortable with someone who has rage issues like that being in the apartment or being someone he hangs out with. That was several month ago and he hasn't invited the guy in or gone out with him since, because he said he understood my discomfort. I just feel kind of bad telling him "you can't be friends with this person" or "that person isn't allowed in the house because I don't want them to have access to it," because I've never been that kind of person. I don't like people dictating my friendships and so I try not to dictate others. But I feel I have the right in these cases, especially if we are going to keep getting more serious.

 

And again, I know most of you think I'm crazy, but I personally am not uncomfortable or feel unsafe in my relationship barring these couple of outside people. It not a life most would be okay with, but I've known this man since we were 16. We were each other's first loves. He's always been an adrenaline junkie, a little off the rails, kind of chaotic. So far we've done a good job of balancing each other, and he treats me well and cares for me. I just am trying to find a balance between giving him freedom in his life when he's not with me vs not compromising my personal feeling of safety and well being.

[basil67]

If you aren't prepared to cut all these gun toting crazies out of your life, you'll just have to accept being in an unsafe situation.

[Satu]

snip

I just am trying to find a balance between giving him freedom in his life when he's not with me vs not compromising my personal feeling of safety and well being.

 

You have an absolute right to set your own boundaries.

 

"I do not want (this person) near me at any time."

 

You can set that boundary with as many people as you want.

 

Don't be too reticent about doing so, because these guys sound like an accident waiting to happen.

 

 

Take care.

[RecentChange]

So again, he was a victim of the home invasion due to the people he associated with.

 

And he still associates with very sketchy people, thus you are now at great risk, just like his ex gf was.